Stumbling into Sobriety

I'm blogging about getting sober. Sober since 12/9/2014. As this is my personal recovery blog, I would appreciate if NSFW blogs did not interact with me. Thanks

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5 Years or 60 Months

Yesterday was my 5 year soberversary. I've been sober for 5 years! That's a long time. Every so often I feel tempted or I feel left out of social situations and events because I don't drink, but I just keep moving forward. I'm not saying it's easy but I feel like the longer you're sober, the less the urges or cravings have power over you. I feel more confident in giving the middle finger to my "I need a drink" thoughts.

[Quick side note for my non-addict peeps out there: if someone tells you they don't drink or they don't do drugs, stop telling them "oh you're missing out!" I know you don't mean any harm by saying that but it's definitely rude and could be detrimental to recovering addicts.]

Anyway....I'VE BEEN SOBER FOR FIVE YEARS!!! WOOOOO!!!

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I hope you all made it through the holidays okay. Don’t beat yourself up for anything that might have happened. The end of the year is always hard and growth takes time. Addiction doesn’t disappear overnight. It’s ugly with claws and sharp teeth. I know we all have different life circumstances but we share being addicts/recovering addicts and I’m here without judgment. <3

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Happy 4 Years!

I'm 4 years sober as of today 12/9/18! Wow wow wow wow! These past few months have been hard with the toxic work environment (which I left), not having enough money for Christmas presents, and barely having enough money for student loan payments. BUT! I stayed sober this whole time. I just keep reminding myself how much my health was affected by my drinking and how much withdrawals fucking sucked to encourage me to stay sober. Seriously, withdrawals are fucking awful.

An interesting breakdown of my sobriety.

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I wish we could quit the self blaming language around mental illness. I’m constantly seeing “positivity” posts saying “don’t let your mental illness stop you”, “don’t let your mental illness consume you”, “don’t let your mental illness limit you”, etc, and I hate it because it places blame on the mentally ill person for being affected by their mental illness. Truth is, if your mental illness is currently stopping you, consuming you and limiting you that’s not on you. You’re doing your best and that’s okay no matter what your best currently looks like. You’re not a failure if your mental illness is affecting your life/ability to function - that’s actually one of the requirements for being diagnosed with a mental illness. It’s not your fault. It’s not on you. I promise.

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Life Update

• I quit that terrible job and I'm trying to find another one before I run out of my savings and can't keep up with my student loan payments.

• I'm sad and dealing with flashbacks and I want to drink, but that's unhealthy so I won't.

• How I feel lately:

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Work has been very hard lately. I'm dealing with a hostile work environment kind of situation. But I come home each day and I don't drink. I'm hanging in there.

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I just listened to Demi Lovato's new song, Sober. Wow a punch right in the feels. There's a small part of me that is afraid of relapsing and how I would cope with that. I don't know. But I will say this to Demi and every recovering addict out there: relapsing doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you don't deserve sobriety. Relapses do happen and forcing yourself to stay in the guilt cycle will only make you feel worse. Don't punish yourself for relapsing.

[lateronbooze]

24.24.24.

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[Image description: photo with black text saying,"Don't think about what can happen in a month. Don't think about what can happen in a year. Just focus on the 24 hours in front of you and do what you can to get closer to where you want to be." Quote attributed to Eric Thomas.]

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When you actually have to deal with your problems instead of getting blackout drunk. 🙄

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It sucks that it's seen as normal for socializing to revolve around alcohol. I try to go out and meet new people and find friends but like all of the meet ups take place at bars. I'm not trying to deal with all that. Can we normalize hanging out without alcohol being present?

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Recover on your terms. Find out what recovery means to you in your life and in your circumstances. I can't and shouldn't tell you how to recover because it's different for all of us. Just know that this blog will always be a safe space and I won't shame you for your choices/how you define recovery/your healing.

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I'm Back

I've been gone for a while. I needed a break after dealing with some personal issues. The holidays were okay. Not the best or worst. Just okay. I did cry on Christmas though. Still sober and working on self-reflecting more.

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December 9, 2017

It's a big day for me. Today makes 3 years sober. Wow. Looking back, I never thought I would make it this far. I felt like I was on my own and didn't know how I would stay sober. I also battled with the thoughts that I wasn't really an addict and I must be making this all up. Like making a mountain out of a mole hill. Those thoughts weren't helping me because they were setting me back.

I had to spend some introspective time examining my actions to truly understand that yes, I am an addict. I'm a recovering alcoholic. It's okay to be honest and being an addict doesn't mean I'm weak or a bad person. It simply means my brain is wired differently. Addiction isn't a moral failing. Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me through these 3 years. Cheers to many more sober years!

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Hey :) I just scrolled through your blog and even though I don't know you, it made me rlly happy to see how far you've come! I stuck deep in a heroin addiction and I know how hard being sober is. I hope you will keep going, you're so strong!

I'm really happy you messaged me. Thank you! It's not quite the 9th yet where I live, but the 9th will be my 3 year sober anniversary. It's been quite a trip but getting sober was the best thing I've done for myself. I don't know how long you've been sober for, but I'm proud of you too. ❤

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Selfies of 2017

I was tagged by @the-sobriety-sloth and I think this is a neat idea. I've come a long way this year and I started going to therapy again back in July, I think. That's helped me so much on this journey. I was really unhappy with myself at the beginning of this year. My identity was up in the air and I felt so lost. I'm much happier with who I am now.

Anyone is free to do this challenge after seeing this post. :)

[thesadghostclub]

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Control

Sometimes I still underestimate how much of a struggle it can be to remain sober even after all this time. You have a few good days or whatever and you start to think “this is easy” or “this isn’t so bad” and maybe at the time, those thoughts are true. 

And it doesn’t even have to be a dramatic moment to knock you on your ass. It can be as simple as going out to eat and seeing a good drink on the menu and remembering no, you can’t order that. It can be the smell of alcohol or of course, it can be that dramatic moment. 

For me, it’s hardest in the moments where I recognize that I have no control. I can’t control my worsening disability and I can’t control the ultimate system of medical care in the U.S. that invalidates me at every step of the way and couldn’t give a shit if I died. 

But I can control my sobriety. I can control my reactions and my emotions. And I guess at the end of the day, that has to be good enough.