thru my lens

a place for my thoughts ✨💌

[thrumyylens]

I ordered chicken biryani today

I’m a vegetarian.

I took a clean plate, poured the steaming hot rice and placed the chicken beside it. Oddly, reminded me of how on a hot summer day you would kick off the blankets in agitation but pull me to you.

I pulled the chair and sat down to dine.

I took a small portion of the rice and blew air to cool it down. Oddly, it reminded me of how you’d sit me down and wrap your arms around me when I howled with an ache in my art.

‘It’s okay,’ you said ‘You’ll be okay’

I slowly bit into the rice, yet before I could feel the flavour in my mouth I gulped I down.

My throat felt choked; I tried gulping again.

Oddly, it reminded me of when I’d lie beside you asking ChatGPT if what I was feeling was right

If I should break up with you, if I am just overreacting; And it would reply ‘If something hurts, it's better to leave.'‘

Maybe years later, today, I’ve still not learned my lesson.

Maybe the thought of something burning me from the inside still gives me a satisfaction I am unaware of.

I almost threw up looking at the chicken.

It must have hurt.

I thought. You didn’t.

[thrumyylens]

“Would you love me if I was a worm?”

I see the trend all over Instagram and I know it's stupid but when the answers remain yes, it doesn't fail to make me smile. It's stupid how a small yes to a question like this can make our hearts full and it's even more stupid how seriously the question is asked. But then again, haven't human beings always been stupid?

We are stupid with how we look for love in peeling oranges, buying flowers, taking pictures of the moon. We are stupid with how we love and how we want to be loved.

But maybe that's why we are human. Because we are not afraid to be stupid. To find love in the most silly questions and mundane things.

So we don't hesitate in finding love in, "Would you love me if I was a worm?"

[thrumyylens]

To Be Or Not to Be Is the Question Of The Hour

But what shall I pretend to be today, a girl dying under a pile of work, a student getting her degree or just happy

to be or not to be, is the question of the hour.

©💌 chaiandchitthi

[thrumyylens]

i remember the first time we kissed and how your lips touched mine. i remember your fingers against my skin and our heavy breathing.

i know we laughed about it months later, on how we couldn't keep our hands off each other, how we were mere puppets of our attraction.

Truth is I didn't agree, truth is I still remember how it felt when your lips touched mine, a little too vividly.

You see, I was 17 when I first fell in love or at least a version of love. So when I first allowed a man to touch me I was so sure I knew what love is. But when all he knew was the carcass of my body and not the overbearing thought of life in my mind at 2am, I vowed to know hearts first.

Alas, I broke the vow. I did it again, twice I believe before there was nothing left for me to offer apart from my body, before the very heart I took pride in felt hollow and my dreams seemed to be too large, large enough to explode.

Then I met you.

On a random day of a week with life still looming over my head I met you. No it wasn't love at first sight, no it wasn't even attraction and no, it definitely wasn't anything. It was just a random day.

On another random day we started talking– it all seems like so long back and yet so close by, you know – on another, we had chai, on another we laughed on a meme, on another we walked down a silent road with even more silence between us; oddly comforting. On another random day I told you my dreams and you didn't laugh, on another I was upset with you and you didn't walk away.

On another you spoke about your dreams with so much life in your eyes it brought an unconscious smile on my face; on another you were angry but you didn't walk away.

On another random day, I think I gave you my heart.

I don't know when I started hoping to get yours too.

So the truth is, I didn't agree because before your hands touched my body, they touched my heart.

© 💌 chaiandchitthi

[thrumyylens]

I learn more about love with my best friend. In how she greets me with the warmest smile that makes my day. In how she whispers 'I missed you' when we hang out after days, weeks, months.

I learn more about love with my best friend. In how she'll settle the crease on my clothing randomly or hook arms with me to drag me everywhere. In how all we need is each other's company and a place to sit.

I learn more about love with my best friend. In how she'll take random pictures of us that are far from being 'insta worthy' or how she'll suggest we get tea even when she prefers coffee.

I learn more about love with my best friend. In how she cheers me on when I try something new or walks slower just so we can get ten minutes more to talk.

I learn more about love with my best friend because while we both might love in different ways; we know how to love each other through it all.

[thrumyylens]

i prefer sunflowers over roses

it feels more "oh you are bright and lovely like the sun."

than "thy love is leaving me fretting"

roses are just dramatic.

–by rose.

[thrumyylens]

I learn more about love with my best friend. In how she greets me with the warmest smile that makes my day. In how she whispers 'I missed you' when we hang out after days, weeks, months.

I learn more about love with my best friend. In how she'll settle the crease on my clothing randomly or hook arms with me to drag me everywhere. In how all we need is each other's company and a place to sit.

I learn more about love with my best friend. In how she'll take random pictures of us that are far from being 'insta worthy' or how she'll suggest we get tea even when she prefers coffee.

I learn more about love with my best friend. In how she cheers me on when I try something new or walks slower just so we can get ten minutes more to talk.

I learn more about love with my best friend because while we both might love in different ways; we know how to love each other through it all.

[thrumyylens]

"What's the time?"

I was scanning through the items in the old trunk kept under maa's bed.

Among the other rusted items,

an old watch peeked at me.

The hands tarnished,

the glass covering overcasted

Lathered in dust

it lay there in silence.

I picked it up, wiped off the remains of previous belonging and lay it against my skin. Almost miraculously, the hands on the clock started moving. The watch reads 6:30.

"Maa, what's the time?"

"9:15, why?"

"Nothing."

I set the time and wait for the watch to get used to the idea of a new possessor. I don't take it off for the rest of the day as I wonder how it felt in that trunk.

I wonder how it would rest on the coffee table until my grandfather would rush to office and grab it on his way out.

"Ei, what's the time?"

"9:15"

I wonder how my father would gobble his breakfast on a Sunday morning, his mother scolding him from the kitchen one last time, warning him to eat slowly as she poured her love along with the eggs onto the pan. He would pick up the watch and push his feet into the sport shoes his baba got him last spring.

"Maa, what's the time?"

"9:15, be home by 12!"

I wonder how the watch ended up locked inside the trunk. Was it at dawn when the whole world was sleeping when baba decided it was old and closed it inside a metal case or was it one evening when the house was being cleaned and maa decided this wasn't of use anymore. But didn't it tell the time still? Maybe it needed a little more patience and a lot more care, but didn't it serve the same purpose as it once had?

The watch told the time just fine yet it was not of much use.

[thrumyylens]

i take a deep breath

and stare at the blank document

I hear the tapping of my feet

my fingertip hitting against the mouse key

and the disappointment somewhere in the pit of my stomach

I type words agressively and press delete

back,

back,

esc.

words no more slip between the fingers

neither hang at the tip of my tongue

the stories of dragons, chocolate houses and fairies

seem to come undone

the thought piles of worlds that once seemed so real

now left barren,

a smog of uncertainty swirling around it.

I tap my feet,

press the mouse key

and type words

words that reignite the world

render it alive

words that slip between the fingers

and hang at the tip of my tongue

i stare at the document overflowing with thoughts

and take a deep breath.

© 💌chaiandchitthi