[thyhonesteheorte]

personal vent blog i use when i don't wanna use my main

tw: suicidal ideation, ambiguous weight talk

recent breakdowns cuz i tend to lose track of time

day b4 chem board exam

random night i suddenly blocked most of my closest moots

[al1voidz]

extremely.

[thyhonesteheorte]

how do u even hang urself....

[shamesonlydaughterrr]

I know I’m not fat but like I am but really I’m not but like no I definitely am oh my god

[thyhonesteheorte]

i cant say that i genuinely made a detailed plan to kms b4 chem board exam so since i knew i was gonna die i just gave up on studying the days b4. but i gained hope after.. my results wont show that tho

[thyhonesteheorte]

im actually underweight now...

[thyhonesteheorte]

1kg less and id actually be considered underweight by this calculator.. and im aware i shouldnt actually want that. but still

[zd27]

do i really look like that

[bloody-----snow]

my fuckass thighs bro </33

[thyhonesteheorte]

idek if im backtracking cuz im weak n sensitive or this is a good thing

[thyhonesteheorte]

"Miss those days when we used to have late night conversations"

what do i even say?? yea i miss u too, i've already come to conclude that i regret it. if u hadn't noticed i'd have undone it a few days later. and hypothetically i could give it a shot n reach out first n apologize n fix it now. or at least give u a parting msg for closure. but i won't.. because i'm a coward. still undone it but ball's in ur court if u wanna reach out (contrary to the defensive shit i thought b4, i wouldn't blame u for not doing shit since i did technically abandon u. it was actually just about me & abandoning my own life but how would u know that if i never said it)

[thyhonesteheorte]

i don't like my ankles

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

i wish it could've been temporary

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

i regret it. this is what u wanted so i'll say it. i regret it.

[thyhonesteheorte]

i might have fucked up.. i didn't realize it would even affect anyone like this. i mean we're online, i thought what's done is done and they'd be confused but be like oh ok. i didn't think ppl would care.. idk what to do with this. it's one thing when ppl react bitterly then let it go, so my mind decides it's fine n they'll be fine. another thing when they do understand.

but worst part is idk exactly why i did it. i mean it wasn't just these few ppl, i wanted to deactivate everything, delete all accounts, block the only 2 ppl i can call friends irl too. this was only what i did. idk why. i really liked interacting with them (and to one particularly, ik i seemed unenthusiastic but i did genuinely admire u too n i wasn't lying at the time either about wanting to be friends. i just evidently have no idea how to)

even though i did it, i wanted to take it back by the next day. but it felt too late. feels like everyone already hates me for it (and at the end of it all they're completely valid for it)

[madfoxalive]

i want to get better but i also want to get worse

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

and bc i dont wanna fall into fuckass ed territory i should just aim to have my weight stay the same or get higher and absolutely not lower since my bmi is 17.3 (50kg-5'7/170cm) (ik bmi isnt always reliable but idk what else to consider). just try to eat semi-regularly (at least a better schedule than what ive got going on rn) + pls start exercising. according to the lil research i did, if i do the exercises i wanna do ill prolly end up gaining not losing weight (cuz of muscle mass), as long as i eat enough too. so yeah, something to work on from the end of this week..