3/5/25 ~ 10:15 am
“The tension in my shoulders is palpable. They have felt that way for days, so it was no surprise to wake up that way. I have to keep reminding myself to relax my muscles; to stop clenching my jaw and furrowing my brow, to lower my shoulders. It’s bizarre that I could go on for so long that way without noticing. The tension is so familiar to me that it has become my natural way of being. I wish I knew why relaxation is so hard to accomplish, It’s my day off for christ sakes. Regardless, I have inherited the societal norm; I must assign myself to something of substance in order to deserve the space I take up in this world.
I’m aware of the idiocy of it all; that really nothing I do matters all that much in the grand scheme of things, that the only thing that should matter is that whatever I do, it brings me joy, peace, or a sense of fulfillment.
Maybe the word ‘fulfillment’ is the problem. It’s too broad. What does that look like for me? What do I need? What do I want? Why can’t taking the time to heal and renew ones-self be considered fulfilling? Must we all run ourselves ragged in order for this life to feel worthwhile? How do we undo the imbedded stigmas in ourselves, and learn to love the moment instead of the inevitable destination?
I want feeling the suns rays on my face to be fulfilling enough without the inevitable nag I feel in between my shoulder blades. I need the notion of time to surrender to birdsong.”
