Fuck Love and Fuck Off

I'm here to write poetry, rant, and be in my feelings. What's up.

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I am so heartbroken all over again that you chose to give up on us.

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I don't want to do this without you.

How can you expect me to?

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I can't even go on social media anymore.

I can't see you.

It just sets me back.

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Heartache. Heartache. Heartache.

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I just honestly can't fucking do it today.

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Gutted.

Abso-fucking-lutely gutted.

You're with someone else.

Openly.

You're taking pictures with her.

Posting pictures with her.

I begged you to post pictures with me.

I begged you to act like you were happy and proud to be with me.

What the fuck did I do wrong for you to treat me like this?

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why did I let you lead me on time after time?

Why did I love you more than you ever loved me?

I'm a fucking idiot.

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Declining mental health.

Declining self-esteem.

Constant state of anxiety.

Living the dream.

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I am so utterly in emotional turmoil.

Jerked around left and right.

Love feels so far away and yet.

You're so close geographically. But so, so far out of my reach.

Where did this distance come from? Why does this chasm continue to grow?

Try. Fail. Try. Fail. Try again. Fail again.

Failure. Not enough. Trigger.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do you keep doing this to me? Why do I keep letting you?

I thought we said forever. Now I look like the fool.

Five months later. No progress. Can't get my shit together. No closer to moving on.

My heart is in my throat.

"It's normal to feel like this. Your first love is always the hardest. You'll get through it. You can do better."

Shut the fuck up.

What good has any of that done me besides send me spiraling because I can't cope?

I still think of you every morning, when I walk down these streets, sitting in the quiet early morning hours. I think of you. It makes me so frustrated to think of you, to feel for you.

I am so frustrated. I am angry. But most of all I am sad.

I am so fucking sad.

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On a day like this when death feels most appropriate, I for some reason continue to breathe.

I see no reason to be thankful, and at the same time, feel ungrateful for being unable to be thankful.

Already well over and done with the holiday season.

Leave me alone. I don't want your help.

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I am not here, no.

I am not real, a figment.

Disassociate.

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Six years have gone by  Much faster than anticipated  So many highs and lows  But now there are only lows

I remember many things; the sound of your laugh, the way you could always make me smile, the sound of your breathing at night, singing anime openings with you on long car rides, birthday trips, driving 11 hours out of our way to see a show, carving pumpkins for Halloween, Valentine’s Day pizzas, avoiding laundry, buying furniture, moving in with you... It feels a lot like that La Dispute song, “Objects in Space”. Everywhere I look, I see reminders and I transcend time back to a memory we once shared. And I think of you.  I remember how even after six years I still felt butterflies every time I would hear your voice. My heart would fill with love when you would walk in a room.  I was so in love with you.  Two months. It’s been two months since all this chaos started. But it seems like you’ve been gone for longer than that. I don’t know how I missed all the signs. Maybe I just never considered that one day you would actually wake up and not want to be with me anymore, that you would find comfort in someone else’s arms, that I wouldn’t be enough for you anymore.  I gave everything, and I lost everything. And yeah. Maybe that is mostly my fault. You can’t give everything to someone and expect them to be careful with it. You can’t make someone treat you how you want to be treated. You can’t make them love you.

For a while now, I’ve felt lost, adrift at sea, and angry. I’ve lacked purpose, motivation, desire, willpower. Nothing felt like it was going right. I hoped that we could work through everything. I hoped that you would see that you had made a monumental mistake, that you would come running back to me. But you haven’t and I know you won’t. That’s not in your nature, not now anyways. 

So here I am, left with all this frustration and anger. What do I do with it?  I want to make you hurt so badly for all the hurt you’ve caused me, but surely that’s not the answer. Is it? I feel in my heart the desire to lash out, to even the score. I’ve made plans to see you. Will I do it or will I finally break free of this cycle? 

Who even knows anymore what the right answer is. 

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I am a candle, My flame flickering as the wind passes me by. My soul burns bright for the time it's allowed, But once snuffed out, my soul never burn as brightly again. Slowly, wax builds up at my base, Illustrating the slow degrade I'm suffering. A candle burns for another's will, And only seeks to light the way for others. What can a candle do But to give its gift away. It is hoped that a candle will be chosen by a kind person, Someone who appreciates and loves them, And they will shine as brightly as possible for that person. Can one candle be both a giver and a martyr, Dying yet giving to their cause? Am I that candle?

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I love the way we kiss, How our faces come together but pause before meeting.  Your lips parting slowly as do mine,  And for a moment we share the same breath and same thought, "Love." The moment passes and our lips connect.  We cease to be two entities and instead become one.  Your hands search my body, and I run my hands through your hair. Our kissing continues from pleasure to fierce desire, and we go from there. 

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Stressful days, I toss and turn all night. I think about everything and everyone But mostly about you.

I wish you were here. I always wish you were here, Or I was there. Wishing and wanting do nothing to dull the ache.   

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Trouble adjusting Can't seem to find the right tune So many endings So much to do Not sure how to tie up my loose ends Not sure if I can I feel lost in a hole right now Can I be sure there's a way out You're there, an ever present force I find comfort in your presence I've got what I need What's wrong with me

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Caught in a tangle. Legs and bodies entwined. Oh please, let this last. Missing you always. Wishing I was where you are. You are in my thoughts. Wanting for your presence; Knowing you're not here. Counting down the moments. Seeing you again. Has it been so long? I fall into your kiss. The dream must end, And you must go. But you'll come back. You always do.

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It all seems like a dream, Me waking up next to you. It hasn't been so long Since the last time we saw each other, Yet it feels as though months have passed. You are different. Never the same person two days in a row, Always someone new to meet, Always someone new to learn. And yet with this stranger, I am content. He is new, Yet he is old. He is different, Yet I feel the same. He is real. I am real. When we are together, I am who I was meant to be. It all seems like a dream, Me waking up next to you.