Tiger Mom Knows Best

Chinese mom + American-born Chinese daughter = love, laughter, and wisdom. About me: ABC. Loves travel, food, ice cream, puppies, celebrity gossip, and the Summer Olympics!

[tigermomknowsbest]

Dangerous fruit

Mom: In Lake Tahoe there are a lot of blackberries.

Me: You mean black bears?

Mom: Yeah! One got into someone's kitchen and made a huge mess!

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All grown up

Mom: Don't rinse it out. There's more at the top.

Me: I was just getting a spoon to scrape it out. I'm not dumb. Sometimes I don't think you remember that I'm an adult.

Mom: I'm always going to think you're a baby.

Me: But you should realize that I'm an adult and that I know things. It's frustrating sometimes that WHILE I'm doing something, you tell me to do the very thing I'm about to do. Makes me feel like you don't think I know anything.

Mom: Me treating you like a child should be your good fortune!

Me: But I'm American. I think differently. A mind that adapts is best.

Mom: I'm Chinese. I'm already old. I can't.

Me: That is why you don't have a growth mindset.

Mom: I don't understand. English not good.

Me: Aurgh.

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Ring it up

Mom: I got the groceries free.

Me: Huh? How?

Mom: I was almost done checking out when I said I forgot to get apple cider vinegar. I was going to wait there to pay while an employee got it. They said I should go with them so that I know where it is next time. We looked for a long time but they didn't have any so I went back. When I got back they already checked out my friend who was in line behind me. I said, where's my stuff? The checker said I already paid. I insisted I didn't! They added my stuff to hers and she paid. She bought this chocolate with almonds that looked good so I went to get one, too. I talked to the same checker and he realized he added my stuff to my friend's so he rang it up to see how much I should pay my friend back. He said it was $30 but then he said because I already paid, I should get a refund of $30. I told him again I didn't pay the first time but he just gave me money.

Me: Wait, so not only did you get free groceries but you also MADE MONEY?

Mom: Yeah! I told my friend I would drop by later to pay her $30 but she said she bought 6 bars of chocolate and in all the confusion, she didn't even get charged for it. So not to worry, don't pay her back.

Me: How did they confuse you two? Maybe you look alike...

Mom: We were both wearing hats, sunglasses, and masks! Our faces were all wrapped up. And when we pushed the cart outside, a lady customer asked, "Did you solve your problem?" (I guess she overheard everything) We said we did. She even said she can put the cart away for me. A lot of nice people.

Me: Only you can go buy groceries, get them free, make money, and have a fellow customer help you out.

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All the visits

Mom: Did they lend you the crutches?

Me: No, they bill my insurance.

Mom: Just borrow them!

Me: That's not how it works.

Mom: How long do you need them?

Me: A little over a week.

Mom: Just borrow them! Bring them back next week.

Me: Nah. My insurance just pays for them. I already maxed my deductible and out-of-pocket max. Now my insurance pays 100% of everything.

Mom: Then come back next week. An appointment every week!

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Forget Postmates

My mom has been staying with us occasionally during the pandemic. I've been WFH and I usually close the office door when I'm in meetings. Yesterday, I had the door closed and while I was in a meeting, she came into the office to offer me a single carrot stick. Haha.

Me: Okay, I have an important presentation tomorrow. I'll be speaking to a large group of people. I'm going to close the door so don't come in! And if you do, I'm going to make you get in the video!

Mom: Okay! Then I say, "I'm delivery. I'm beverage delivery bring her water because she speak to all you guys."

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Jedi mind trick

Me: Please don’t use that (paring) knife on that plate. Or, use a regular knife if you want to cut it on a plate.

Mom: What’s wrong?

Me: You’ll dull the blade. You should cut it on a cutting board.

Mom: It’s just a plate. I have 50 plates. You can use any of my plates.

Me: It’s not the plate! This type of knife isn’t meant to be used on a plate. It should be used on a cutting board.

Mom: What’s the big deal? If it gets damaged, just throw it away. I’ll buy you another one.

Me: You mean I would have to buy another one.

Mom: If you want to buy another one then that solves it.

Me: Aurgh.

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Caught her

Mom: Ahahahahahaha!

Me: Mom, we have to go! We're going to be late! Were you watching videos?!

Mom: I was in the bathroom.

Me: Hmmm...

Mom: Watching videos. I had to watch videos to pass the time.

Me: I knew it!

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Skips a generation

Me: (to my son) I take care of you, baby. I hope when I'm old maybe you'll take care of me.

Mom: He won't take care of you. But he'll take care of me!

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Tiger Mom and Alexa

Me: Alexa, turn off the rice cooker.

Alexa: Sorry, rice cooker isn't responding.

Mom: Is something wrong? Can you check?

Me: Mom, Alexa isn't smart enough to know... I have to fix it.

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Fast food music

Mom: I'm going to tell you something but you can't laugh at me! I tell you think and you'll think I'm dumb!

Me: Okay...

Mom: This was about 20 years ago. When I first heard Canon in D it was on the radio. Classical radio station. They said the composer and I thought they said it was by Taco Bell. I had my suspicions. It didn't sound right but who could I ask?

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Give me some credit

My mom needed a new SIM card so I took her to a T-Mobile at the mall near our house. It's an indoor mall and I didn't want to walk around inside looking for the store so I Googled it ahead of time to find out which street it was near. I parked near the mall entrance and we walked right into the store. My mom was surprised to see that it was right in front of us. Later, we talked to my brother about getting her new SIM card.

Me: I think it's funny that Mom thought we just stumbled upon the T-Mobile. You know, I Googled where the store was ahead of time and figured out which parking lot to park in. It wasn't a coincidence. I actually figured it out. If it was you, she would've chalked it up to your abilities but for me she thought it was by chance. You gotta give me more credit! Anyway, I just thought it was funny.

Mom: Okay, then go funny.

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Not all the time

My kids split a cupcake and then my mom and I split another one. My mom gave some of hers to my son.

Me: You spoil him too much.

Mom: Not at night. Only during the day.

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Take it or I take it

Mom: I brought you some markers.

Daughter: Oh yay!

Me: Those are highlighters. That's fine, she can just color with them.

Mom: You can use it on your whiteboard for school.

Me: Mom, those are not dry erase markers. You shouldn't use them on the white board.

Mom: I'll just try it to see if it works.

Me: Please don't.

Mom: See?! You can use it on the whiteboard. It wipes right off.

Me: What if you leave it on there? She doesn't wipe it off right away.

Mom: So just tell her to wipe it off right away.

Me: She's 5. She's not going to remember... We should just use dry erase markers on the whiteboard.

Mom: Fine, you don't want them? I'll just take them with me.

Daughter: NOOOOOO!!

Me: Sigh.

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Just say no to avocado

I placed a restaurant order and went with my mom to pick it up. I ordered a tuna and avocado roll and avocado roll for my 2 kids. She went inside to pick up the order.

Mom: I said I don't want the avocado.

Me: Huh? I ordered an avocado roll. I want it for the kids.

Mom: Come inside and see.

I noticed that they printed out a new receipt that didn't include the avocado roll.

Me: Mom, they made the order correctly. I wanted that. It looks like they took it off.

Restaurant worker: Yeah, we took it off the bill. But you can just have it (the roll).

Me: I'm sorry about that. Thank you.

After we get into the car...

Me: They made the order right. The bill was right but I guess you argued with them and they took it off.

Mom: We have 2 avocados at home. Why would I want to pay for an avocado?

Me: It's not just an avocado. It's an avocado roll. There's seaweed and sushi rice! Do you think I would order just an avocado?

Mom: How was I supposed to know? I thought it was just sliced avocado!

Me: [I pull out the original receipt] You can see the line on the bill that says "Tuna avocado" - do you think they just gave us a piece of tuna and an avocado? It's a tuna and avocado roll. It just doesn't say the word "roll" on the bill. Same with the avocado.

Mom: It didn't make sense to me. Why would I want avocado slices when I have 2 avocados at home?

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Fruits and vegetables

Our 2-year-old son didn't want to eat his vegetables, including spinach.

Mom: Even papaya eats this vegetable!

Me: You mean Popeye?

We all laugh.

Son: Funny!

Me: I have to write this down.

Mom: Mommy is so annoying!

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Kinda right

My mom is kind of in the ballpark of things. After a while you understand what she's trying to say.

Mom: You should sing that song from Freeze. "Go Away"

Me: You mean the song from Frozen, "Let it Go."

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Tomato tomato

Mom: What are you making?

Me: Scones. One batch with chocolate chips and one with blueberries.

Mom: Oh, that’s what they’re called. I kept thinking “skunk” but I knew that wasn’t right. Scones.

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