As you should already know, I was evacuated back to the United States in the middle of March due to the rising pandemic. I’ve had about a month and a half of trying to process. During this time, I received a specific email from a community member at my placement in Hull, England. One part of it stated “it must have been quite devastating for you all to have to leave so suddenly,” which helped direct my emotions enough to make a video on how I’m currently processing this loss.
I hope it’s helpful to someone, as I know there’s quite a lot of loss and grief happening right now.
If you’d like a transcript of the video for any reason, please let me know!
I’m sure you’re wondering why the main focus of this blog post is a 22 second clip from Doctor Who (the episode it comes from is Vincent and the Doctor).That’s because today, I’m going to talk a little bit about some of those bad things that got added to my pile recently.
(Quote from the video: “The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”)
On February 21st, a close friend of my grandma’s passed away. I knew her well, she was close to all of us, and I was always invited to join them for Taco Tuesdays at Mississippi Pub when I was free. I miss her a lot, and I didn’t get to say goodbye to her. If I remember correctly, the last time I saw her was on a low quality video call when everyone was at the aforementioned Taco Tuesday. I certainly don’t remember everything I said, but I know I didn’t speak to her with the idea that I might never see her again, so the conversation was probably more on the superficial side. I can say that I’ve thought of her every day since I got the news. I’m also going to tell you, and I’m sorry for this but, never in my life have I felt more useless or out of place than I have the past 10 days since.
How do you comfort your grieving family when there’s over 4,000 miles and an entire ocean between you? Anything you might try to do will probably help less than a hug would. What makes it so difficult to pick up the phone and call them to let them know you’re there for them? Probably the fact that even having to say those words means you’re very obviously not there for them right now. How do I look my grandma in the eyes when I see her next, knowing what she’s lost and not having said anything to her about it? Not easily, I imagine, but we’ll find out soon enough. Why aren’t I bothering to fly home for the memorial? The little voice in my head says I probably could have afforded it if I used the money I was saving to fly home for the wedding in May. How do I balance my own personal expectations and desires to help my family through this in person with the fact that I’ve dedicated myself to helping here, in the UK, with other things that are also important? I don’t know.
Spoiler alert: there’s not a good answer. I feel awful about it. I feel useless. I feel like a coward. I feel like I’m being too greedy with my time, with my money. I also feel like it’s not right for me to share any of this with someone who’s not a part of it, as they shouldn’t have to suffer too, and I certainly don’t want to further burden my currently grieving family with what I’m feeling. I suppose if you’re reading this now, that means I did find the courage to share my grief, and regret, and overwhelming guilt with someone.
When I got the news, I shared it with exactly two others who live here in the UK. One of them was with me at the time I got the news, and I got one of the best hugs I’ve received since being here. He also offered to listen if I needed to talk. The other person I wasn’t with in person at the time, but I sent her a message and she offered to listen if I needed to talk as well. I didn’t really take them up on it, but I’ve been processing in my own head since. The unconditional support I received from both of them is exactly what I needed, and I love both of them to pieces.
I can also tell you that when I heard of her passing, I was in the middle of a very long day, where I had a lot to do, and the day after that was much the same. I didn’t get the luxury of hearing the news and curling up into a ball to grieve. Earth continues to spin, regardless of if your world has stopped for a minute.
What was the point of this blog post? I guess part of it was to express that just because I’m having an amazing time abroad (and make no mistake, coming here is one of the best and healthiest decisions I’ve made), that doesn’t mean time stops while you’re gone. It doesn’t mean all your bad feelings pause just because you’re not home. Sometimes, you’re just going to have a bad day. That doesn’t erase the good days, of course, but they both happen, and we’re all at the mercy of whatever life has thrown at us that day.
If (and when) those bad days occur, I recommend a quick video call with someone you love. Remind them that you love them. Life’s too short to forget to tell people how much they matter to you.
Exodus 3:1-6 Moses was keeping the flock of his father-in-law Jethro, the priest of Midian; he led his flock beyond the wilderness, and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. 2 There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a flame of fire out of a bush; he looked, and the bush was blazing, yet it was not consumed. 3 Then Moses said, “I must turn aside and look at this great sight, and see why the bush is not burned up.” 4 When the Lord saw that he had turned aside to see, God called to him out of the bush, “Moses, Moses!” And he said, “Here I am.” 5 Then he said, “Come no closer! Remove the sandals from your feet, for the place on which you are standing is holy ground.” 6 He said further, “I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” And Moses hid his face, for he was afraid to look at God.
WALK DON’T RUN
By Rob Bell
Walk, don’t run.
That’s it.
Walk, don’t run.
Slow down, breathe deeply,
and open your eyes because there’s
a whole world right here within this one. The bush doesn’t suddenly catch on fire, it’s been burning the whole time.
Moses is simply moving
slowly enough to see it. And when he does,
he takes off his sandals.
Not because
the ground has suddenly become holy,
but because he’s just now becoming aware that
the ground has been holy the whole time.
Efficiency is not God’s highest goal for your life,
neither is busyness,
or how many things you can get done in one day,
or speed, or even success.
But walking,
which leads to seeing,
now that’s something.
That’s the invitation for every one of us today,
and everyday, in every conversation, interaction,
event, and moment: to walk, not run. And in doing so,
Since moving to Hull, I’ve started taking part in a rotation for leading a meditation. Every time I lead one from now on, I’ll be posting them. Here is the one from February 4th.
February 4th - 4 Types of Love
Dear Loving God,
You made us all in your image, and called it “very good.” Please help us reflect your love in all parts of our lives by showing love to others. Allow our familial relationships to reflect your enduring, steadfast love. Allow our friendships to reflect your powerful, communal love. Allow our romantic relationships to reflect your passionate, intense love. Allow all we touch with love to be guided by your hand in perfect, pure love. In Your Name we pray. Amen.
There’s a common theory, initiated by C.S. Lewis, that there are 4 types of Christian love. Storge, family love; Phileo, friendship love; Eros, romantic love; and Agape, God love. We’ll look at stories from the Bible reflecting each one.
Storge, John 11:1-6, 17-44
Who in this story did you connect with best?
How is Storge reflected through Mary and Martha?
Where can you show Storge more in your life?
Phileo, John 11:33-44
The original word used for love in “see how he loved him” is Phileo.
How is Phileo reflected here?
How can you show Phileo more in your life?
Eros, Song of Songs (Song of Solomon) 1:1-4
What line did you connect to most?
How is Eros reflected in this passage?
Where can you show Eros more in your own life?
Agape, 1 John 4:7-21
What phrase did you connect to most?
How is God’s unconditional love reflected in your life?
Where can you show Agape more in your life?
Song reflection:
I Won’t Let Go - Rascal Flatts
Dear Hate - Maren Morris
Dear Loving God,
You made us all in your image, and called it “very good.” Please help us receive your love in all parts of our lives by acknowledging the love shown to us by others. Allow us to accept from our family your enduring, steadfast love. Allow us to accept from our friendships your powerful, communal love. Allow us to accept from our romantic relationships your passionate, intense love. Allow all that touches us with love to be guided by your hand in perfect, pure love. In Your Name we pray. Amen.
Members of the Yorkshire Synod of the URC Youth (missing: Saskia, Nico)
(image source)
I’m going to apologize in advance for the length of this post, and feel free to skim it as needed.
Last month, I attended the United Reformed Church’s Youth Assembly (URCYA) with the other members of Peter’s House, as a representative of the churches we’re working in. On January 24th we spent the afternoon traveling to Whitemoor Lakes Activity Centre via mini-bus, Going from Hull to Leeds (to pick up more people) to Lichfield took about 4 hours. Arriving at 7:30, we quickly ate dinner and then the weekend began!
We started with some icebreakers to get to know our small “Buzz” group, who we would be discussing the panels with. The main purpose for this weekend, aside from gathering together, was to bring motions to the attention of the Youth, which, if passed, would then move on to change things for the future. The motion we started with was a mock motion, to help us understand how to vote properly and the setup of the different sections (like when to ask questions and when to discuss with your group). After the mock motion we then moved into a worship where we contemplated the things we left behind to attend (For example, I said work). The intentionality behind understanding that we had left some things behind to attend this gathering was very engaging for me, and set a good standard for how the weekend would go. Once worship was finished, we got to go to a campfire (where I broke out the graham crackers and Hershey’s chocolate that I had brought and made a s’more for myself and Ryan (another American YAGM volunteer who was there!)). Bedtime was scheduled for 1am both nights, but I was asleep no later than 11:30pm that first night.
The next morning after breakfast the first of three scheduled Panel discussions followed by a workshop started. This one focused on Politics, and a lot of the discussion circled around what is the role of religion in politics, especially given how intertwined the Church of England and the government are in the UK. Coming into this discussion as an American, I felt that I learned a lot in regards to that specific cultural difference, given that church and state are tried to keep as separate as possible (and, to be honest, my preferred method to run a country, but I’m biased). The discussion then moved over to whether we should be voting in the interest of Christian values, and how we classify what values are Christian. Following the panel discussion, the workshop I had the privilege to attend was titled “Where Would Jesus Sit Politically?” and centred around the types of policies Jesus would back or be involved in today. Some of the ideas that came up were protections for vulnerable people, advocacy for minorities, and better accessibility laws.
After that came the first business session, where the motions started. The first motion presented was to help integrate the use of an app that students can use to help find a local church while away from home, which was passed. Another motion instructed the URC to create a designated “Green Apostle” position to help with the current climate emergency and reduce the overall amount of waste and environmental footprint the URC creates. This motion also passed. After these motions, we got to have lunch within our Synod groups (that meant sitting with the Yorkshire Synod, for me), and got to get to know some of the more local URC Youth a little better.
After lunch and a brief break, we reconvened for the second panel discussion and workshop. This second discussion was on “Sex, Faith, and Relationships,” and to be honest, I was a little disappointed coming out of that panel. The main focus seemed to be on whether sex outside of marriage is fulfilling, and how everyone obviously desires to have a close, physical relationship with someone else. To me, that was exclusionary and at odds with the overall “Common Ground” theme of the assembly. There are people in the world who don’t want a physical relationship with someone else, and there’s others who won’t ever want to get married. I also think the mindset of “sex before marriage is necessarily worse than sex within marriage” is very old fashioned. The workshop I attended after that discussed Gaslighting (and if you’d like to learn more about that, please go here: https://www.vox.com/first-person/2018/12/19/18140830/gaslighting-relationships-politics-explained).
A short break later, and we reconvened to discuss more business. Some of these motions included the formation of a task group to look at celebrating the URC’s 50 anniversary (motion passed) and a letter written to the CTE in regards to their decision to sideline a chosen President Hannah Brock Womack due to her same-sex marriage (this motion also passed, and the letter can be found here: https://urc.org.uk/latest-news/3331-urc-youth-assembly-unanimously-condemns-cte-decision.html). After business was completed, we had dinner and then attended a sensory form of worship; we isolated our different senses to connect ourselves closer to our memories and discover different ways to engage our senses with our faith.
Once this was completed, we came back together to conduct elections (the results of which can be found in the link above). We then got to participate in a Ceilidh, which, to directly quote Google, is “a social event with Scottish or Irish folk music and singing, traditional dancing, and storytelling”. It’s fairly similar to a barn dance, and it was lots of fun. It takes a lot of effort, and I was exhausted afterwards, but getting to participate in the part of the culture here was amazing. The energy in the room the whole time was buzzing, and we ended the Ceilidh by dancing to and singing Auld Lang Syne, which is a celebration of the times we’ve enjoyed together (loosely translated from Scottish, it means [for] the sake of old times). We then proceeded to a late night communion service, which was a deep reflection and very personal. After communion, I think I stayed up almost until 2 in the morning, and most of that time was spent talking to others.
Sunday morning, after breakfast, we started in on our third (and final) panel discussion, on War and Peace. The discussion started off with a quote from a book called The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse: “One of our greatest freedoms is how we react to things”. This is something that I think most of us take for granted. People stuck in situations like dictatorship often lose that freedom first. Another discussed topic included whether it is ever justifiable to go to war, and what the line there is. Is it ethical to keep out of war for the sake of peace, when staying out of the war could mean the deaths of millions? If you look at it from a purely utilitarian standpoint, war would only be justifiable if participating means the loss of fewer lives than not participating. Someone pointed out that God is always on the side of the oppressed, in which case people should get involved on behalf of the oppressed. One other point discussed was whether we believe world peace is achievable, and it was pointed out that world peace has to be achievable, or at least believed achievable, otherwise nobody would try to work towards it. The workshop I attended Sunday was on Israel and the Occupied Palestinian Territories. The workshop was lead by someone who has attended a URC lead trip where the goal was to learn more about the Palestinian perspective in order to enable a better understanding of how to help. I have a lot of thoughts on this workshop (that could probably fill another blog post, so we’ll see), but I want to say just two things: 1) the tour company they used stated that less than 1% of tourists that had used them visited the Holy Land to learn more about the Palestinian perspective. Less than one percent! 2) The person leading the workshop comes from South Africa, and he was very vocal on how similar the situation looks compared to Apartheid in South Africa.
The final part of the assembly was some final business which involved inducting the new URC Youth Executive! After this, the Assembly came to a close and everyone departed for home (although us PEter’s House members and the other TIme for God volunteers stayed at the activity centre because the Time for God BIG Conference started the next day at the same location. Finally, a big shoutout to Ryan (previously mentioned) and Aaron (one of the URCYA Yorkshire Synod attendees) for letting me bother them quite extensively so I could understand everything that was happening that weekend.
If you’ve stuck around this far, thanks for reading! That was quite a lot to write, and if you have any questions please shoot them my way.
"Maybe you had to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was." -Jodi Picoult
I don't remember where, but I read somewhere once something to the effect of "homesickness isn't about the place or things you're missing, but about the people," and to be honest, my post today is a slight challenge to that. I mean obviously I miss the people; my family, my friends, my pets too. But I think it can definitely be about the place and experiences as well. This past week was Christmas, and while I deeply missed seeing my family, I also missed the things we do together. Baking and decorating cookies, the caramels my grandma makes, things like that.
This past week at home (I'm from Minnesota, in case anyone reading this was unaware), for example, the weather wasn't too bad overall. Almost always above freezing, not really much new snow. Yesterday, however, they got a huge batch of freezing rain, and it was just cold enough to coat basically the entirety of the roads and sidewalks with a thick layer of ice thick enough to -and I swear to God this is the honest truth- ice skate on it. It was so slippery there were over 350 crashes (luckily, almost none of them had any serious injuries or fatalities) in 5 hours in Minnesota alone. People were ice skating to the store, playing hockey on the street, literally helping push cars while they wore skates.
Watching this all happen across social media caused a pretty big pang of homesickness to crop up. England doesn't really freeze much, and the city I'm in hasn't seen snow in years. I actually thought I wouldn't miss it (or the headache driving in that kind of weather it causes) but I do! Winter has such an ingrained cultural difference at home and it's something I deeply miss.
Pretty much everything snow related is making me long for sledding, for skiing, for snowball fights. For just throwing yourself down into the freshly fallen snow and making a perfect snow angel -and then ruining it immediately because it's impossible to stand up out of that without a hand, an elbow, or a stray foot messing up the outline.
Another thing that caused some unexpected homesickness the other day was when my housemates and I went to a Greek restaurant. For those who know me, I'm not the most adventurous of eaters, and I typically stick to what I know. My family, on the other hand, loooooves Greek and Mediterranean foods, hummus (or houmous) especially. I've never really seem the hype for it, but again, not very adventurous. Either way, when we got to the restaurant, I actually insisted the houmous be one of the things we ordered, and ate quite a lot of it just because it reminded me of home. (We also got a LOT of other food and it was all delicious, so catch me trying new things more often maybe!) I think this restaurant was a blessing to settle me, and remind me that even 4,000 miles away, there will always be a place you can find a piece of home.
"No matter where I go, I’ll never forget home. I can feel its heartbeat a thousand miles away. Home is the place where I grew my wings." -Brenda Sutton Rose
Hey everyone! It has been actual months (and actually, probably half a year by now, geez) since my last post. I've had a few changes outlined by my newsletters, and everyone should be aware by now that I've moved and am working in the Hull area United Reformed Churches in Hull, Yorkshire, England.
It's Christmas Eve here, and this is my first Christmas away from home! This is both a wildly scary and exciting thing, and I just came here to talk a little bit about the differences in the way Christmas is celebrated here as opposed to at home.
First of all, Christmas celebrations start in late November (November!!) in the region I'm in. There's Christmas markets, people have already started decorating their houses, and Christmas services at the churches start in early December. There's everything from Carol services to services of remembrance.
I think the funniest thing to me is that mulled wine and mince pies (the latter of which don't actually contain any meat, they're like mini candied fruit pies!) are two of the most essential Christmas things. Every single church service I've attended, every Christmas party, has had one or the other, if not both, and I don't blame them because they are delicious.
(Brief interruption here to preface my next topic and to state that if someone says dinner here, they're typically referring to lunch, unless they're not, and the evening meal is typically called tea, unless it's not, in which case it's called dinner. It's exactly as confusing as it sounds, and I have yet to figure out when dinner means lunch or dinner. Either way, dinner, in the context of Christmas, refers to lunch! That's the big meal for everyone typically.)
We had a Christmas dinner this past Sunday at one of the churches where we got to eat a typical Christmas meal, pictured below. On the plate is turkey, mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, carrots, peas, brussel sprouts, red cabbage, a ball of stuffing, and pigs in blankets (the last of which are tiny sausages wrapped in "streaky" aka normal American bacon, which is not the same as pigs in blankets in the US). It was delicious!
Another tradition are Christmas Crackers, which you pull apart with someone and inside contain a paper crown, a joke, and usually a small gift/toy. Mine contained a little plastic golf tee! You can see the crackers and my crown below.
Another thing that's quite different from home is the fact that I'll be attending church (actually, I and the other three volunteers I live with will be running the service) on Christmas day, where traditionally my home church (Augustana Lutheran Church in WSP, MN) holds services on Christmas Eve. I'll talk a littleore about differences between a typical Christmas service here (sneak peek: Away in a Manger has a different melody here!!) versus at home.
In total, my heart is full with the changing of the seasons and the love of the community I'm in now. I do want to add, though, that for all that I'm grateful for where God has placed me on this path, I sorely miss my loved ones back home, and I hope anyone overwhelmed by a feeling of loss or confusion during this holiday season can do their best to acknowledge that feeling, understand the reason it exists, and then fully lean into whatever comes next. I will leave you all with this poem:
I've officially discovered where I've been placed in the UK!
I'll be serving onboard the lightvessel Trinity at FACT (Fellowship Afloat Charitable Trust) Centre in Tollesbury, England. I'll be helping spread the Word while sharing team building and sailing lessons as groups come and visit. I'm beyond excited!
I've also been sort of binge reading Jan Richardson recently, and stumbled upon this blessings, which sort of fits perfectly with the journey we're about to undertake:
For Those Who Have Far to Travel
If you could see
the journey whole,
you might never
undertake it,
might never dare
the first step
that propels you
from the place
you have known
toward the place
you know not.
Call it
one of the mercies
of the road:
that we see it
only by stages
as it opens
before us,
as it comes into
our keeping,
step by
single step.
There is nothing
for it
but to go,
and by our going
take the vows
the pilgrim takes:
to be faithful to
the next step;
to rely on more
than the map;
to heed the signposts
of intuition and dream;
to follow the star
that only you
will recognize;
to keep an open eye
for the wonders that
attend the path;
to press on
beyond distractions,
beyond fatigue,
beyond what would
tempt you
from the way.
There are vows
that only you
will know:
the secret promises
for your particular path
and the new ones
you will need to make
when the road
is revealed
by turns
you could not
have foreseen.
Keep them, break them,
make them again;
each promise becomes
part of the path,
each choice creates
the road
that will take you
to the place
where at last
you will kneel
to offer the gift
most needed—
the gift that only you
can give—
before turning to go
home by
another way.
—Jan Richardson
from Circle of Grace
Blessings on everyone as I and the other YAGM take this step into the unknown.
It has officially been a little more than a week since I've gotten back from the "DIP" Event that placed me in the United Kingdom. Now that I've gotten some time to process and break down everything that happened, I feel more capable of voicing how that event changed my life, at least for the next year.
I woke up absurdly early on Thursday, April 11th, so I could get to the airport an appropriate amount of time early. That day was a pretty snowy day, especially for April, and flights were already being delayed. I had to wait a few hours to discover that my original flight that had been scheduled to arrive in plenty of time to catch the bus we'd be taking to the retreat center was delayed by several hours. Instead of arriving in Chicago by 12:30pm, we touched down around 5pm. Obviously we had missed the bus already, since they had left by 2:30pm, which meant taking an hour long Uber drive.
When we arrived, some of the icebreakers had already started. Because we were late, we were told to throw our luggage in our rooms and immediately head down to the conference room, with no down time. That actually set the pace for the whole weekend, it seemed like. I think I only called home once that entire time, which is really weird for me. The first day was full of introductions and telling us what to expect for the weekend, and it was... A lot to absorb. We closed Friday night with a welcoming worship, which I think helped me settle into the weekend a little more comfortably- even 400 miles from home, on my own, ELCA services all ring the same.
The next morning started pretty early, but we got an hour for breakfast which helped us be awake by the time we sat for devotions. We got a little more information on how the "YAGM" (Young Adults in Global Mission) program works, and then it was time to be thrown in to our country presentations.
I'm going to make a paragraph break here, in bold, just to say that I think this is when it started to get emotionally overwhelming.
My first presentation was the United Kingdom. A little disclaimer, I definitely headed into this weekend favoring the UK, but not for the right reasons. Coming out of this presentation, I was beyond sure that this is where I belonged. Every question I could've asked, they had already thought of and answered. I still wasn't consciously aware that I was leaning this way because of my own brain, and not God's will.
They gave us a break for lunch, and this is when the LGBT+ lunch took place. People who had already been through the program got to talk about what it was like being in their placement while not straight, and how they had to either stay in the closet or got to be out. They talked about the toll it can take on mental health, and we were told to carefully consider what we could handle in that way, because some of the countries you could not be out in. I've italicized this part for anyone reading in the future, trying to consider whether to apply, or what country placement they might prefer. The ELCA takes this into account and, again with the italics but with bold as well, will not place you anywhere that you are not safe. You will be safe where you are placed.
After lunch we got thrown into our second country placement's presentation. My other country was Jerusalem/West Bank, and going into it I wasn't sure what to expect. From high school debate I had learned a lot about the conflicts there, but that's all I knew. I didn't know how much this presentation would affect my decision. When I left that presentation, I couldn't make a decision between the UK and JWB.
Oh yeah! They had given us little note cards Thursday night, to be due on Saturday evening, where, aside from our name and two country placements, we were told we could write anything on one side that we thought was important to help them make a decision. That was anything from medical concerns, LGBT+ information, or even just a country preference.
Friday continued with a panel from YAGM Alum, who were back from country either recently or within a few years, to answer questions. They answered everything they could with the amount of time they had, and it was really helpful.
After the panel, interviews started. These were one on one interviews with the country coordinators of the 2 countries we'd been given, and were, to be honest, nerve wracking. Luckily for me, my first one was scheduled after dinner, so I had a bit of a break here. I got to try to start making a pro/con list for both placements. Spoiler alert: I spent way too much time on this, and it didn't help. At all. After that wasted time, I went to dinner with one of the UK coordinators that I wouldn't be interviewing with. We got to ask him some questions, learn a little more about England (where he's from!) and joke around a little. It was really relaxed.
After dinner was my first interview: Jerusalem/West Bank. My impression of myself that whole time? I spoke too loudly, moved my hands around way too much, and could not think of answers to the questions fast enough. I was stressed and nervous, and I don't think I interviewed too well. I was still at the point of not being able to make a decision, and I definitely thought I screwed that interview up.
After getting that interview out of the way, it was time for the evening service. This was a deeply reflective time, and I can't put into words how much it cut into the core of who I was. We placed candles around altars designed to be prayers for different things; countries, the environment, the church, ourselves. After that, I was emotionally exhausted. I went to my room and stressed about my morning interview for a few hours before falling asleep.
Saturday morning! This meant individual photos (I can't tell you how I really do not want to see what these photos look like) that will represent us for the next year around congregations and synods as our stories get told, and breakfast. My photo was right at 8am, and my interview wasn't for another hour. I got to spend that hour filling out a preference sheet for the UK (which we used to express our experience and desires for the different types of placements the UK has). I went into my UK interview feeling a little confident, having been through one interview and sorting my thoughts with their preference sheet. My impressions of myself this interview: excessively honest, still way too loud, and hands that just couldn't stop moving. Still nervous. I exited that interview feeling marginally better about it than last night's.
Now it was time for a couple more presentations, this time about what we'd be doing for the 4 months leading up to August (when we leave!) and how to fundraise. After that it was dinner, where I (and the people I sat with) stressed about what to put on our cards which were due in a few hours!!! What to do, what to do. After dinner I had more break time, (code for more time to stress about my card) where I continued to try to pro/con the countries. Still didn't work. Don't try this at home, kids. While I was stressing, I spilled my (English Breakfast) tea all over my folder (and the table) which really summed up my state of mind and should've been a hint as to where I'd end up. After cleaning it all up, I had only a few minutes to get to the next presentation, which blew my mind away and made me chill out so much about my card.
The presenter spoke about accompaniment and mission, and what exactly we should be doing with our minds. He spoke about how "God is the essence of relationships," and how we shouldn't be going out into our mission with a mind to convert, but to "help make others better people."
The biggest thing I took away from this weekend was someone this presenter quoted. He told us about Kaj Munk, who said:
"What is, therefore, our task today? Shall I answer: “Faith, hope, and love”? That sounds beautiful. But I would say–courage. No, even that is not challenging enough to be the whole truth. Our task today is recklessness. For what we Christians lack is not psychology or literature…we lack a holy rage–the recklessness which comes from the knowledge of God and humanity. The ability to rage when justice lies prostrate on the streets, and when the lie rages across the face of the earth…a holy anger about the things that are wrong in the world. To rage against the ravaging of God’s earth, and the destruction of God’s world. To rage when little children must die of hunger, when the tables of the rich are sagging with food. To rage at the senseless killing of so many, and against the madness of militaries. To rage at the lie that calls the threat of death and the strategy of destruction peace. To rage against complacency. To restlessly seek that recklessness that will challenge and seek to change human history until it conforms to the norms of the Kingdom of God. And remember the signs of the Christian Church have been the Lion, the Lamb, the Dove, and the Fish…but never the chameleon."
We went to a service after this presentation, but those words rang in my ears. I knew I'd be sent somewhere that I could help others, and to be honest? I thought for sure that was going to end up JWB. I didn't have a preference, and after all that stress, I never actually ended up adding anything to my card after the required information. My thoughts were too jumbled, and I knew I would be sent where I was needed. I put that card into the basket mostly blank, but a weight felt lifted off of me.
Sunday morning was worship (which I overslept.. I know. I know. But I wasn't the only one!!) and packing. After we had packed and check out, we gathered in the chapel to hear our placements. It was alphabetical, which means most names had been called out before mine, but I didn't absorb anyone else. I was focused on waiting for my name, and after I heard "Nichole Schloesser-Becht... United Kingdom," I zoned out again. We were told we couldn't outwardly react until it was done, to respect everyone, but I don't think I could have reacted in that moment if I wanted to. I didn't feel relieved that it wasn't Jerusalem, I didn't feel disappointed that it was the UK, I didn't really know what I was feeling.
Right after this we were sent to meet with everyone else in that placement, and it was only then that I started feeling truly excited. I could see myself in the UK, walking with a community for a year, creating a home in a different land.
After our meetings we headed out to the airport. It was snowing, because of course it was, so our flights got delayed, because of course they did. I'd be ending my journey how I began it -waiting for hours in an airport- but this time I had the approximately 7 other people who were making the journey back to Minnesota with me. It was a lot less lonely, and we all got to know each other pretty well by the time our flight took off (15 hours later than originally scheduled).
Landing in Minnesota and getting back home felt a little weird. I had spent all weekend emotionally engaged, and so I holed up for a day decompressing and catching up on the sleep I missed out on from the flight delay.
In summary, I'm thrilled to be making the journey to the United Kingdom in August, and I'm excited to learn exactly where I'll be placed come May/June. Stay tuned if you'd like for more information, and this is where I'll be updating when I'm in the UK!
