THEY WERE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE. that was not some big revelation, something they hadn’t both known for quite some time now. it was cemented by arkytior’s active participation in the time war. it wasn’t as if the war had necessarily taken away or changed arkytior’s core vales – ones that had been developed by her time with the doctor, even before they left gallifrey – but it did certainly change how she was willing to express them. compassion was a driving force in both of them. it was what led the doctor to go around helping the war’s victims, and what led arkytior to often ruin their lives in an attempt at stopping the suffering from spreading. she couldn’t care about one person when there was the whole to think about, and that was where they splintered. their perspectives created a rift between them; even if they were thinking the same thing, there was no way that they were thinking about it the same way.
so, no. while she might know that he’s tired of surviving, she does not truly understand it, how it feels for him. because she’s tired too, but she doesn’t let herself feel it . not anymore. physically, sure, she’s worn out, but she’s adopted her soldier identity full-force, distracts herself from feeling anything by no longer being susan foreman. it’s hard to be tired of surviving when not much of you actually has survived the death and agony and despair that she saw everyday. sometimes it felt like she wasn’t even in control, like she was just a spectator who was watching her life unfold, and she didn’t mind that. she didn’t feel the weight of the world bearing down on her, and that was a good thing, wasn’t it? there was no obligation to survive. the time lords didn’t expect her to, and every time she did it just meant she could risk her life another time.
when she first joined in the war, she would cry and mourn when they would lose people. it hurt her that she survived when others didn’t. so wasn’t this way better? to be apathetic to survival? people were going to die – she was going to die. she knew that – so why let herself be brought down by it?
and why did it matter so much that the doctor survive?
SHE DIDN’T WANT A PROMISE. didn’t need one. because promises were just a set-up for disappointment; she knew that better than anyone. she just wanted to know that he would try because even though it was not a guarantee, she knew he wouldn’t lie to her. not right now. not about this. there was so much the doctor lied about, but saving lives – including his own – was not something he messed around with.
“ she needs someone to take her place. ” matter-of-fact, like some sort of mission briefing. and it was a mission briefing, except instead of a bunch of soldiers she had one doctor, which was at least equal. “ the trap is pressure and biology sensitive, so we can’t just place down a decoy. ” her hands itched for some sort of visual representative of what she was talking about; she enjoyed those hologram tables on the war tardises that would show all their different routes of attack. still, despite there not being anything like that, she did not look up at the doctor but rather fixed her gaze at the wall, concentrating hard as she pictured the scenario. “ and she’ll be killed without a replacement. ” she looked up, concentration nearly turning to a frown when she saw the doctor, like she had been expecting somebody else because she was. commander veklin was always by her side for these sorts of things. right about now she’d probably be questioning why they were even wasting their time on this – somebody was going to die, and the girl was already in the trap. and arkytior might even have agreed. hopefully she would have felt wrong about it, but she could easily be convinced that something wasn’t worth the effort nowadays. there were more pressing matters at hand; save a life only for someone else to die, it didn’t feel as satisfying as before. “ we could try to dismantle the trap, but we’d have to go through the ogrons first. ” robogrons as yeorgi had put it. they were already dead, used by the daleks as puppets. “ i have an extra blaster- ” said almost like a question.
it was a time sensitive sort of situation , it didn’t leave much of an opportunity to think about what-if’s. he may not have been willing to promise susan that he’d find a way to fix the situation , but he had very much promised to himself that he wouldn’t allow another pointless death if there was something he could do about it . even if that did mean taking her place . at least , then , the guilt would stop eating him alive . that was it , really , the guilt . it’s why it was all so selfish . it wasn’t always the pain of a loss that drove him , he didn’t always make sacrifices out of the kindness of his hearts , it was simply because he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he didn’t .
although he is quite used to living with himself anyway . it hurts , but he always moves on . that’s what made it easier . back before the war he could just turn away from the pain and find something nicer to look at , but here ------- deep in a war that spanned from the beginning until the end of time itself ------- there was nowhere else to look . the pain was everywhere . he’d so much rather close his eyes and do nothing at all than involve himself in a battle that would never end . the time lords would tell him he’s making life harder for himself than it needs to be , and susan would probably agree . they’d tell him he was betraying them ------------------- not fighting with them was the same as fighting for the daleks , or some other broken rhetoric to make him feel terrible for not picking up a weapon . but if they only had the sense to open their eyes they’d know both sides were destined to lose ; one would erase the other , and then they would go back in time and alter that circumstance , and so on and so on until the entire universe was shredded and there wasn’t a moment in the continuum that was left whole .
obviously , there was no way they would admit defeat , either . because the daleks would not take peace , only surrender . and who’s fault is it , at the end of the day , that all of this is even happening ? he’d had his opportunity to end it all before it began and he’d wasted it over his moral qualms . were he given the opportunity again , he does wonder if this time he’d take advantage of it . it wouldn’t be the first time he’s threatened to wipe the daleks off the face of the universe since this war started .
❝ i don’t need it . ❞ he answers , waving off the half-offer of the blaster . he wasn’t going to get his hands dirty -- not if he could help it . he already had a plan to get past the ogrons anyway , he’d had one since he’d first thought of taking the girl’s place . ❝ i'm going to make them an offer they can’t refuse , it’s sure to draw their attention . enough that you should be able to sneak around them ; that way you can get to the trap and dismantle it ---- ❞ he closes his mouth rather sharpish , just to avoid saying anything else . she probably wouldn’t be a fan of the plan , she might have preferred to go about it her own way . the sort of way that involved blasting their way through the crowds , it would be quicker -- if only in exchange for the blood spilt . but these are all things he thinks , and things he’d rather not verbalise . he doesn’t want to get into an argument right now .
❝ if you want to . ❞ he adds , but it’s less like an afterthought and more like a threat . he’s not too sure why it sounds like that . it’s not the sort of phrase that normally sounds like a threat . he makes a start towards the doorway till he’s clutching at the doorhandle . ❝ either way , i’m going to get her out . ❞
titsay
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