It will come when you call
Originally posted at: https://blog.chrislegge.com/it-will-come-when-you-call/
I'm a deeply angry person. Not that I have a temper or anything like that, quite the opposite actually.[^1] No, it's more of a deeply ingrained anger at the world. I've come to find out it's described as an "autistic sense of justice". It's deep anger at my core about the way the world works and the injustices around us.
I was also extremely emotionally repressed for a large part of my life. No negative emotions were allowed in my mind. I was "above that". Eventually the negative emotions would build up, as they always do, and find new ways to come out. New health complications. Sure. Get into a fight on the phone with my brother and hurt my hand slamming my fist into the ground or punching a wall I knew I couldn't damage? All the time. Bite my nails and pick my cuticles until they bleed? Absolutely.
I hated that I couldn't control it. I would think “I should be better than that” and repressed harder. I followed this cycle of internal abuse until a few things happened. First I started seeing my now spouse who accepted me for who I was, not who I "should" be. Second, I first read what is now my favorite book, Night Watch by Terry Pratchett.
You do the job that's in front of you.
How did a fantasy book help me? Well, first you need to understand something about the book and the author.
Night Watch is the 29th book in the Discworld series, but it's also part of a sub series about the City Watch of the Disc's largest city. It was instantly my favorite sub-series. The arc of its main character, Sam Vimes, is one of the best I've ever read. He goes from being an alcoholic police sergeant to a man who reforms the profession for his city and, eventually, much of the wider world as well. Vimes would be the first person to say ACAB and that there’s a better way to do good than just "being a copper". He spends the length of the series moving the world to be better around him out of sheer force of will. One step at a time.
Then there's Terry Pratchett, who himself had a very righteous indignation and anger at the injustices of the world. I can't speak to whether he was neurodivergent or not, but I felt a real connection with this restrained, directed anger. I wanted that level of control that he seemed to have and that he wrote into his character.
It’s a real soldiers’ song: sentimental, with dirty bits.
The Glorious 25th of May is an extremely important day in the book. It's the date of a failed revolution that Vimes and several characters were a part of and they all hold a day of remembrance for it every year, wearing lilacs as symbol of their shared experience.
The story follows Vimes getting sent back in time and taking on the role of the sergeant who taught his younger self how to be a better person and not give in to what he called "The Beast" (the unrestrained anger that he knew would destroy everything if he let it). This builds up to the Glorious 25th and the formation of the People's Republic of Treacle Mine Road.
There’s a lot of humor and absurdity in the course of the story, but there’s so much heart and sentimentality as well. There are parts I still cry over even though I’ve read it dozens of times. There are passages I think about when things are dark and seem like they will never get better. When I feel like I'm going to lose myself in the anger, I think of two parts in particular.
"When we break down, it all breaks down. That’s just how it works. You can bend it, and if you make it hot enough you can bend it in a circle, but you can’t break it. When you break it, it all breaks down until there’s nothing unbroken."
That stays with me, but it didn't rewire part of my brain the way another did.
Hold it back! Tame it! Don't waste it!
There is a scene that resonates with me in a way that it has basically become a core belief of mine. Vimes is stopping his younger self from giving into the anger he feels at a jailer who committed unspeakable acts. Before The Beast wins, he steps in at the last minute and says, in my opinion, one the best lines of all time:
“No! That’s not the way! This is not the time! Hold it back! Tame it! Don’t waste it! Send it back! It’ll come when you call!”
I read that when I was discovering more about my anger and it all clicked. The anger I felt could be put to better use than just being locked away and forgotten about until it came out in uncontrollable ways. I could use it, direct it, not be a slave to it like I had seen in others so many times before.
This sentiment is continued in the next book in the series, Thud. In it there is a mental representation of this idea, called The Guarding Dark. It's how Vimes keeps himself in check when it would be easier to just let everything go and let The Beast take control. It results in a scar on his arm after he resisted being overtaken by the Summoning Dark (a spirit of vengeance).
All of this felt like a way forward when I read it. I found myself trying to overcome the anger not by repressing it and pretending it wasn’t there, but instead acknowledging it and trying to find a use for it. Let it fuel my art. Turn it into kindness for others. Give it a purpose. Drive me to be better than I was before.
They were remembering who they were not singing it with.
Terry Pratchett fans have been using the 25th of May as a kind of day of memorial since his passing in 2015. People wear lilacs and talk about how much both the book and Pratchett's other work means to them. I was already in the habit of rereading Night Watch in May, but I make sure I do it every year since then. It's cathartic and feels important that I do it.
Now, every year on the 25th of May, my partner and I wear lilacs. What's more, for the last couple of years I've been wearing the lilac everyday. You see, when I got my first tattoo I wanted to be something important, something that keeps me, me. So, there was only really one choice: I have a lilac sprig and a representation of the Guarding Dark on my arm. It's there to make sure I never forget who I am and why I'm here.
With everything going on in the world, this country, and my life in general, I'll admit my tolerance window has been very small. The emotions are always close to bubbling over lately. So, when I'm close to letting them take control, I have taken to tapping my arm where the tattoo is. It reminds me who is in control and the overwhelming feeling recedes.
Tame it. Don't waste it. It will come when you call.
¹ It's actually very difficult for my anger to rise to the surface. So much so that a friend I used to work with made it his mission to make me mad so he could see it. At one point he walked into my office, saw papers on my desk, and slid them off with the back of his hand like a cat knocking something off a counter. He stood there in defiance for a second and I went back to work. Exasperated, he picked up and organized the paper (it was just a random jumble when I had them on my desk before). He said a few swears and left the room. Poor guy still hasn't seen me get mad to this day.