I think I’ve finally come to the last stage of grief and accepted the status quo, even if things are slightly changing with undercurrents moving in directions that I am blissfully ignorant to.
This space has been terribly neglected and I’m tired of code-speak or talking in layers that sometimes when I read back on my posts, my failing memory cannot seem to fathom whatever that I have been typing or my state of mind during post creation.
So, I’m going back to the basics- in many ways, this has been what 2018 has been about.
To search for, deal with, and stick to my truth.
I’m done with my basic degree, had the convocation done exactly ten days ago (12/10/2018).
Still struggling with so many impending datelines, or rather deadlines, at hand. Age or whatever pull factors seem to chip away at my productivity and I always fall into the deep abyss of sleep and procrastination. So much so that I’d kinda sabotaged my modules and semester GPA by two grades. What folly. Gotta buck up if I’m serious about that second class honours.
Into my 6th year of full-fledged teaching, did the necessary to be happy and stop staying at a place where my precious childhood memories are so terribly tainted and I almost always feel a certain emptiness and questioned my life choices everyday. If it weren’t for the select few good people I’m blessed to be around with, I think I would have left the service immediately after my bond.
Looking into options for other career prospects. Sometimes I wish that I weren’t so conscious of my responsibilities as the only child and the numerous factors involved in every step I take. Then again, I can’t begin to describe the pain I feel each time I look at my elderly dad getting out the house so early with his bad knee. Or my mom who takes extremely good care of the household and my ailing grandmother without complaints and dismissing help because she insists that no one does a better job than her and it is so very true. Then I start berating my selfish thoughts.
Family: Still close to my nuclear family, occasionally spending more time with granny such as cooking for her and reliving my mother of caretaker duties temporarily. A little sad and ironic that we don’t have dinners together anymore since Mummy turned full Vegetarian in 2013 but I hold those rare few reunions around the dining table close to my heart. A family that eats together, stays together, after all.
Friendships: Made and break a few, as usual, but glad that the ones that stay are the genuine ones who truly care about connecting. Tired of all the insincere. Also the small talks and baseless conversations. Trash talk exclusive for inner circle and I am thankful for this. However, to force topics just to have a semblance of connection irate me to no point.
Relationships: Not in an active search for romantic connections because of a 50K mistake from last year (no I wasn’t scammed, but yeah, hmmm codespeak to myself: Ren/ telegram) and most of the virtual connections prove to be too disappointing and immature. Way past the age of mind games and trying to sustain interest or attention. My time is also too precious to be wasted on such frivolity. Also, I’m not exactly in the best shape, physically or psychologically, to be able to give the optimum of myself if I expect the same. Working on the core relationship with myself first.
Back to marking, and clearing some stuff before I meet my Capstone Project supervisor in 18 hours’ time.
I cannot wait for December to come.
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