Over Again (Nikki Sixx & Fem Character)
Description: You and Nikki met thanks to Tommy and he decides that it's time to settle down with you but your relationship soon becomes 3, you, him and drugs so an unfortunate event makes him open his eyes and take life seriously.
Warning: Mention of abort, substance abuse, violence and other sensitive topics.
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It was around 1986 when Tommy my old friend from school found me at a party by chance, we had years without knowing about each other, at that time he had recently married Heather and the idea of settling down with Tommy was so present that he didn't think of anyone else but Nikki, he had to have a woman by his side, i were the responsible, kind and always in a good mood girl that he had met in class but now turned into a woman.
The day Nikki and i were introduced, he didn't seem to care about my presence, his mind was lost in cocaine and with the lights of the place he could barely notice my blushing cheeks when i said hi, for me it wasn't strange at all, i imagined the environment in which he and Tommy moved with the other guys in the band so i just focused on being the social butterfly i always were and soon i found myself talking to another guy near the pool.
For Nikki this wasn't right, how could someone let Nikki Sixx pass by and focus on a skinny blonde guy who was only in charge of moving the cables behind the stage? But his state made it impossible for him to get close, his mind was fused with heroin and no matter how much jealousy he felt in his heart, his mind only asked for more drugs and that's what he did.
By the end of the night i thanked Tommy for the invitation and although the drummer was disappointed that his friend didn't pay attention to a me, he knew something had happened inside Sixx, he knew that look, not for nothing was it his terror twin.
It was during a rehearsal that while Nikki was drinking her Jack Daniels he approached the drums asking Tommy who was that girl he had introduced him to at the party, he knew it, Nikki had fallen, Tommy was never wrong.
After that Tommy invited me again to one of the many parties that Motley Crue gave and this time Nikki was able to fight a little against his addiction and took some time to approach and start talking, it was a matter of seconds when both felt as if we had been friends forever, both laughed and told anecdotes that we had in common, finally Nikki was able to spend a night alone with beer and cigarettes, away from needles and mirrors with white powder.
Soon, sooner than Tommy had imagined, Nikki and i had formalized our relationship, it was common now to see me between the dressing rooms, talking to Heather or encouraging my boyfriend, the groupies did not receive me good at all, they knew that Nikki was finally tied and no matter how hard they tried he only had eyes for his girl.
Finally in 1987, by all rights, i became Mrs. Sixx. my friends couldn't believe that i had walked down the aisle with one of the sexiest rock stars in history. My parents, for their part, seemed happy but deep down they were afraid that something would happen. For them, Motley Crue's music was nothing more than a loud sound and the boys were extravagant and wild. They couldn't understand how their sweet girl had walked down the aisle in her beautiful white dress with a disheveled boy who wore makeup on stage.
The first few months of marriage were good, not perfect, but at home everything was fine, although from time to time Nikki always reminded me that i shouldn't go into his closet, it was his personal place and i understood it, maybe it was a space where he could relax just as he had dedicated a whole room for my hobbies where i could paint, knit and do other of my favorite things, but it didn't take me long to realize that something was wrong, Nikki often didn't come to sleep in bed even though he was home, when i tried to get close to him to be intimate, he seemed upset and irritating so i just turned around and went back to the room leaving him alone.
When i were lucky and managed to convince him of something, he was the best lover in the world, he left me exhausted and with my legs numb and soon i managed i get pregnant, it was an illusion that i had in mind since i ou began my adult life, to have a marriage with a kind man and create a family like the one my parents had created.
That night i ran downstairs with the pregnancy test in my hand finding Nikki in the kitchen drinking from a small glass what looked like whiskey.
''Nikki'' i yelled as soon as i managed to finish going down the stairs as i ran to the kitchen holding the test in front of me, he seemed lost in his thoughts and barely looked at me with his eyes half closed.
''What's wrong babe?'' He took a sip of his drink almost falling off the chair when i hugged him tightly by the neck, his hand resting on my back as a smile spread across his face, it didn't matter if he was high or not, we always found our safe place in our arms.
''Look'' i smiled excitedly, almost jumping holding the test with both hands in front of his face making him blink a few times trying to focus on the small device that i moved uncontrollably with my trembling hands ''can you see it baby? Do you see it?''
''Wait…honey stop jumping I can't…I can't see what it is'' he laughed leaving the glass on the kitchen island, taking my hand in his focusing his eyes on the two thin lines ''Th…what is this?''
''Honey I'm pregnant, we're going to be parents'' His eyes opened wide between the strands of his dark hair, he felt his heart beating too hard, harder than normal, even harder than when he injects the dose of heroin into his left arm, he couldn't understand how he had created life, was he ready for this? What if he was a failure like his father was, he couldn't allow something like that to happen ''Honey? are you okay?''
''Yeah, it's just that..'' he kept looking at the floor, he seemed to be thinking too many things at the same time and none of them were good ''It's just that… wow… we're going to be parents''
''Yeah… you don't like the idea?'' my hands slowly lowered while he looked at me quickly shaking his head realizing that his reaction had make me feel insecure
''No, it's not that honey it's just that… I didn't expect this to happen so fast, it's like it was a dream you know..'' his hand slowly arranged a lock of hair behind my ear with his other hand hugging me slowly while i wrapped my arms around his neck ''I love you baby, you know that right?''
''Yeah I know'' i murmured into his neck, closing my eyes breathing in the scent of his hair and his perfume ''what do you think it is? "A boy or a girl?" my excitement make me explode again, letting go of the hug while my hands rested on his biceps, but after a gesture of pain and seeing how he quickly moved away from me, i looked at him scared. "Honey, are you okay? Did I hurt you?"
"It's not… it's just that my arm hurts a little." His voice sounded nervous as she adjusted the long sleeves of her shirt. "Maybe it's because of the bass, don't worry, babe."
After that, there were few days where happiness roamed around the house, since i had married Nikki i had convinced him that i didn't need help to clean the house, i could do it, after all i were there almost all day and when he was on tour i were practically alone with nothing to do.
It was one of those days when i were cleaning the nightstands, throwing away old tickets and dusting the night lamps when i thought about cleaning the closet that Nikki took such good care of, after all it wouldn't hurt to dust it, so without thinking twice i approached the wooden doors and opened them without hesitation looking around, i could notice his stage outfits, the striped one, his leather pants, his boots.
I walked slowly, contemplating everything until i heard something crunch under my shoe. My eyes quickly looked at the floor, noticing that i had stepped on a needle, clearly used and dirty with blood. My eyes then adjusted to reality. On the floor there were dozens of used needles, strips of plastic, and a revolver on the carpet. I weren't stupid. I knew what i was seeing and what Nikki was doing in his "space."
The smell of weed and the blood stains made my stomach turn and i quickly ran to the bathroom, vomiting the lunch while holding my 2-month pregnant belly. After that, i felt totally exhausted. I didn't stop crying all day and i could barely take off your shoes to lie down on the bed.
It was almost 10 pm when Nikki came back from the studio and it seemed strange to him to call my name and not hear my voice anywhere, he looked towards the stairs expecting to see me running down to jump into his arms but nothing, it seemed like the house was empty, he went up to the room taking off his jacket when he noticed me lying down feeling a breath in his throat but soon he felt his breath cut off again when he looked at the open doors of his closet, he knew that his secret was no longer a secret.
''What is my closet doing open?'' He stopped in front of the bed looking at me with my red cheeks and my wet and irritated eyes without caring about how i was ''I'm talking to you… why is it''
''Since when do you do this?'' i could barely mention with my irritated throat feeling a lump forming again in my chest
''What does that matter, I asked you not to come in, I have never broken any promise, I have done everything you want and ask, I only asked you not to go in there'' his voice was getting louder with each word he said, his hands tangled in his hair and then ran down his face in frustration
''I don't give a damn if you broke anything or not of what you promised me Nikki, why are you doing it? why?'' i could barely sit up in bed sitting on the edge while i watched him as he walked back and forth
''That's not your problem…''
''It's my fucking problem since I agreed to marry you Nikki, I don't care what fucking promises you've broken or not, I'd rather find you with a whore in bed than this, at least I'd have the security that she wouldn't try to kill you, but this? Nikki you're ending your life'' my eyes could barely stay open, the tears came out one after another without me realizing it and my voice broke making my throat hurt even more
''You think I haven't tried? I can't stop I'm a fucking addict that's what you want to know? You married a drug addict'' His screams make me jump a little, i had never heard Nikki in that tone of voice
''I wouldn't have cared if you were a drug addict when I met you or after, if you had told me we would have sought help, why didn't you trust me Nikki?…why?''
''It's okay, love calm down'' He took a deep breath approaching me, kneeling between my legs taking myface carefully feeling his hands wet from the tears ''Honey, look at me, calm down think about our baby okay?…I'll seek help, I promise I just don't know how''
''Please stop, what am I going to do if you hurt yourself, what do I do if you die?..I can't do it alone Nikki'' This time i knew that the hormones weren't to blame for my reaction, i were really afraid of losing him, afraid of being alone, of not being part of all the plans we had made together
''I promise love, please excuse me'' his arms surrounded my waist while his face hid between my crotch and my small bulging belly '' I will do this for us, for our baby please trust me''
No, he didn't, just two months later i came home from shopping, it took me just 5 minutes to leave the bags in the kitchen and go up to the bedroom to change the shoes that made my feet swell when i found the room in a mess, the bed was unmade, the bedside lamps broken and there were clothes everywhere, i could walk slowly between the objects when i noticed the closet doors open.
I could barely run without tripping when suddenly i opened them completely and found him on the floor pulling a rubber band with his mouth that tied his left arm while with his other hand he injected a substance directly into his vein
"Nikki…no…no" i ran as fast as i could and barely managed to hold him in my arms when his dilated eyes seemed to have lost the light and he vanished into my legs.
Finally my worst fear came true, Nikki was dead.
My heart was skipping a beat, i felt my stomach turning and my head spinning, my hands held his face, no longer reacting and without hurting him i got up taking the cordless phone to go back to his side while i called 911 and held it calling his name
''Nikki please…please baby wake up'' my voice began to sound desperate while my eyes filled with tears ''Nikki please…Nik..hello?''
''911 what is your emergency?'' the lady on the other end of the line sounded tired, used to receiving calls all the time while my world was falling apart
''My husband is not responding, please send an ambulance please…Nikki wake up'' my hand slowly slap his cheek and then wiped the tears from my face and returned it to press his chest a couple of times
''Your husband is not responding? Is he hurt? What happened?'' There were too many questions for my limited ability to think at that moment
''I don't know, I went shopping and when I came back he was injecting himself with something in his arm and he passed out, please send help please I don't want him to die'' i could barely draw breath, i felt everything inside me collapsing and crumbling little by little
''I understand, please stay by his side, an ambulance is heading to the address on this phone, please stay with him''
Of course I would stay with him, I stayed while they put him in the ambulance and took him to the hospital, I stayed when they gave him CPR and two syringes went through his heart making him wake up, my heart stopped at that moment, there he was, looking at me disoriented without knowing what had happened, as if for him it had been just a bad dream, but for me it was hell on earth, I saw him die and I saw him come back to life.
I stayed with him in the hospital for two days, holding his hand as he slept, signing papers, barely eating, listening to the nurses speak pitifully about me. “Poor thing, she’s pregnant, she must be feeling awful,” they said over and over again every time a new nurse came into the room. Most of them did nothing, they just wanted to see if it was true that Nikki Sixx himself was there.
As soon as we got home, we slept for a whole day. He was exhausted and I was feeling much worse. I felt like my world had been taken away from me like a cruel joke and it had been returned to me after seeing me destroyed. I was afraid of waking up and not having him near me.
I couldn’t just stay in bed. As soon as he lay down next to me, my body joined his like magnets. My arm surrounded his body tightly, afraid that someone was going to take him away from me once again. My head rested on his right arm while his hand combed my hair until we both fell asleep.
But no, life was not easy. A couple of days later, while I was taking a bath, I felt a pain in my stomach, like cramps even worse than I had ever felt in my entire life. Then a hot liquid ran down my legs. I could see the white floor of the shower turning red. The blood did not stop, it ran and ran down the drain.
''Babe…Nikki'' I could barely hold on to the wall, turning off the water and grabbing a towel that I barely wrapped around my body, it turned red
''Love?..what happened?'' His face still looked tired, with dark circles under his eyes
''Help me…our baby'' I looked at him again feeling that sensation inside me, everything would be wrong again
It was in seconds when with his little strength he picked me up and took me to the car without caring about the towel or that he was without shoes, he just ran to the car and drove as fast as he could returning to the same hospital that we had just left.
Doctors, nurses all ran while placing an oxygen mask on my face, no one explained anything, I only heard Nikki's voice while holding my hand.
''Ok, honey you're bleeding and we need to stop it'' the older doctor looked at me placing a mask on his face while a nurse helped him fastening a white apron over his blue robe ''I'm sorry to tell you that we can't proceed with your baby and it's very likely that he no longer has vital signs, we need to save your life first ok?''
I didn't know how to feel at that moment, it was as if God had punished me, he gave me back Nikki but took my baby, why? Why was he doing this to me?…
''But…no'' my eyes searched through the bright lights of the room for Nikki's face, I could feel his hand and hear his voice but the big white spotlight wouldn't let me see him ''My baby…Nikki tell them no…no''
''Honey it's for your own good, our baby is in heaven now I only care about you ok? They must stop your bleeding and everything will be fine, you will be with me and I will be with you and more babies will come, calm down please baby''
I never imagined that I would give birth to my stillborn baby, it was like being in shock and forgetting everything that had happened and suddenly I found myself in a white room, similar to where Nikki had been, Tommy and Heather were with me and Nikki but they were not much help, when i could barely calm down Tommy would come crying making me feel bad again so Heather would take him to the hallway to calm him down.
When we returned home we both felt exhausted, no one had told us that we would live through all this in such a short time, why us?
I spent the days lying down, my mother visited us helping us make food and keeping us company, it was very helpful to listen to her while I lay on her legs as she combed my hair like when I was a child while she told me how she also lost a baby and after that painful loss my brother came into the world.
I also remember how she took advantage of the time I was sleeping to talk to Nikki who never left my side, she scolded him for being so irresponsible but at the same time she advised him. It was very comforting to see Nikki come down to the kitchen one day and hug my mother while kissing her cheek. “Thanks for breakfast, Mom.”
I knew what his childhood had cost him and seeing him smiling and spending time with my mother made me feel happy, as if his wounds were beginning to heal.
I had started painting again a month after our little angel left for heaven. I liked to sit in front of the window and draw flowers or the sky, It made me feel calm.
“Hello...” a light knock on the door made me turn to look at Nikki standing with her hands in her pockets. “Can I come in, baby?”
“Sure, you don’t have to ask,” I smiled, returning my gaze to the window, trying to imitate the color of the sunset.
“What are you doing, sugar?” I felt his arms go around my neck as he rested his chin on my shoulder '' is it the sky?''
''Yeah, but I can't find the color between the blue and orange of the sunset… it's so difficult and beautiful''
''I know… do you mind if I interrupt you a little?'' he looked at me like a little kid as he sat next to me on the floor
''Sure love, what happened?'' I looked at him a little returning my attention to the color palette in my hand
''Well… I want to be honest with you, from now on I won't keep any secrets from you okay?..''
''Ok?.. you're scaring me'' I looked at him lowering my color palette looking at him curiously
''Well… love I… I couldn't contain myself and… after well… you know our loss happened… I injected myself again… I felt really bad and I didn't think about it I just did it..'' his voice lowered little by little until it was silent as his hands played with the
''But Nikki…''
''Wait… I know I promised you and I'm sorry love I really am sorry it's just that… I know that losing our baby was our fault, I made you go through too much stress and I caused… all that to happen''
''No Nikki look at me, it's not your fault love'' my hands took his face slowly arranging his hair out of his face ''these are things that had to happen to grow and take this life more seriously don't blame yourself''
''It's just that… I don't want to make you go through so much anymore, I don't want to be a useless drug addict, you don't deserve it..'' his eyes showed so much regret, it was impossible for his words not to hurt ''I… I talked to the boys'' he looked at me taking a pamphlet out of his jacket giving it to me like a little boy ''we decided to seek help and join together to end all the addictions that made us complete idiots, it's a hospital and I want to go to so they can help me"
"I'm so proud of you…" I smiled at him feeling my eyes wet as I hugged him tightly and he returned the gesture by sitting me on his lap "You're going to make it, like everything you've achieved on your own, I'm going to support you in every step you take, I promise"
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It's been a year since Nikki and the boys sought help, they had their problems as a band after that but Nikki always reminded me ''It's band problems love, don't worry'' he had become such a calm and positive man that sometimes it was strange to miss the troubled Nikki Sixx.
It was 8am when I came out of a shower, a completely calm shower with no interruptions, I still managed to put some lotion on my body and some clean pajamas to go downstairs to make breakfast when I froze in front of the bed.
There was Nikki, holding our little Faith, it was so adorable and funny to watch them together, she almost disappeared in her daddy's wide arms as he held his finger and with her other little hand she held her head while sleeping, that pose she had inherited from me.
I carefully placed a blanket over both of them, it was early November and the cold air was coming in through the only open window that Nikki refused to close, but it was impossible not to feel my heart melt and I carefully laid down behind him hugging him caressing the small chubby cheek of our little girl
''Don't wake her up..'' Nikki murmured making me smile ''I barely managed to get her to sleep''
''I'm sorry baby..I'm going to make breakfast'' I caressed his hair kissing his shoulder getting up slowly from the bed
I felt like our life was perfect after everything we had suffered, watching Nikki being the most loving and caring father with our Faith made me feel complete, when daddy was home there wasn't a second that he didn't have his little girl in his arms, it didn't matter if he was in his study or with the boys, he was the proudest father and he didn't lose sight of her even when Uncle Tommy carried her and played with her making her laugh.
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It's been 3 years since Faith came into our lives, now Vince has returned to the band and the boys are on a new tour around the country, Nikki barely had the schedule of dates and asked me to pack bags for me and Faith because he wanted us to be with him at all time.
''Look, honey, who's there?'' Faith was a little version of Nikki, her dark hair had been inherited from me but her beautiful eyes and features were totally from her daddy
''It's daddy'' she smiled clapping as she listened to the notes the boys played ''mommy, daddy is so cool''
''I know, daddy is the best'' she kept moving her little head with her pink headphones protecting her ears while I held her on my waist looking at the band.
Nikki kept looking at us, I could see how from time to time his attention focused on us on the side of the stage, blowing kisses towards us but I encouraged Faith to respond to those kisses telling her that they were all for her, she is totally a daddy's girl.
''Mommy, when are we going to tell daddy?'' Her green eyes looked at me as she innocently fluttered her eyelashes
''We'll tell him tonight but for now it's our secret okay?'' I smiled at her giving her a kisses attack on her little face making her laugh
No one said it would be easy being Mrs. Sixx and now it would be a little less easy with another Sixx growing inside me.
