she doesn't know she's awake // aka TP, Ti, Ti-22 // fanfic writer // DBH is my current obsession // I like interacting with people so message me whenever lol
Hi, so for the sake of transparency and for my sake to visualize progress so that I don’t feel like I’m going nowhere, this is going to be the pinned-post thing for me to keep track of all my creative projects (and for those following that might be interested) of what I’m currently up to.
Search by tag:
tp’s fanfic updates || posts about updates on my fics on Ao3
tp’s fanfics deleted scenes || posts about snippets that didn’t make it to the final draft posted on Ao3
About me and links to more of my social media can be found here: https://titaniumpsychologist.github.io/ti-22/
Current WIPs/Long-Term Projects:
Duality of Light — android!Gavin // casefic // angst and drama // please heed tags and content warnings
Gavin and Hank’s After-Midnight Sanity Tour 2038 — Convenience Store AU // episodic chapters // attempt at humor
Where Life Goes (unplublished) — found family // angst and drama // suspense // will have content warnings
[Updated January 9, 2023]
Writing:
Duality of Light: Chapter 6 (Part 2)
~10,000 words (writing phase)
Duality of Light: Chapter 7
~10000 words (writing phase)
Moved events around and HAH, lowkey ended up writing two chapters concurrently. Priority is Chapter 6, Chapter 7 is in a very rough state but at least this means it might come sooner rather than later.
Gavin and Hank’s After-Midnight Sanity Tour 2038: Chapter 3
planning
Where Life Goes: Prologue and Chapter 1
~2000 words (writing phase)
A fic based on this lovely prompt by Veilder
Outlining and general formatting phase
Art:
Apparently I have no rhyme or reason for this, so I’m technically always doodling, I guess.
Music:
Composing piano piece to accompany The Lark Ascending by Veilder fanart that I made a bit ago.
Programming (if you can call it that):
Working on an optimized version of my personal website
Working on a website of resources I’ve been using to help me plan my DBH fics
For those without context, I had a post queued in the event I were to disappear all of a sudden for a time "into the future". I am very sorry for any amount of anxiety I may have caused, I am alive and well ❤️
Master-List of Active Detroit: Become Human Writers On Tumblr
(Updated November 22, 2024)
[Update includes the addition of some new names & AO3 but unfortunately the hyperlink is capped, so I still dropped their pseuds and regular links in the list!]
[Colors to indicate my reader checklist have been scrapped; Tumblr tag colors do not show up on mobile, so I have highlighted the AO3 names with the applicable colors.]
New to writing fiction for the fandom, or your name isn't on the list? Comment/Reblog and I will add your name to this post! Note that I am adding writers with fics already up on AO3/Wattpad only, but I will continue to add more as we grow!
Apologies for mass tagging people, but I wanted there to be a list of active DBH Fanfiction writers to make it easier to find each other on here! LINKS TO fanfic source and Tumblr are included!
I also would like readers to take note that EVERY WRITER that I post here will appreciate positive comments on their fic! Even if it's just a heart, emoji, "I enjoyed it", or "Second Kudos", it will MAKE THEIR DAY! Please comment on fics that you enjoyed no matter hold old they are!
Also stats such as Hits, Kudos, or the fact that I have read the fic is in no way a reflection of the quality of the fic! I will put the writers in alphabetical order based on their Tumblr name for organizational purposes!
Also if you wish to be taken off this list, just shoot me a DM and I will do so. It is so awesome that there are not only so many active DBH writers but also - if you made it to this list, that means you haven't blocked me yet, so Kudos to you for that! :D
[Update pending: Will add relationship/family/character tags in a future update on December 5th, 2024. (You can also feel free to comment your fave ship to write about in the replies) Sorry this is just a list of names with any distinguishing of category, but this already took so long, you will just have to try your luck! Please notify if one of or more of the links is wrong/broken; Tumblr has a limit on hyperlinks unfortunately, so for some I had to just drop their pseuds.
Color coding:
Recent - Updated within the past 3 months
Active - Writing for the Fandom (Updated within the last 13 months)
Hiatus - Updated over 13 months ago/Leaving Fandom
??? - 2+ Years Since Last Update/ No Longer Writing for the Fandom, but still replies to comments!!!
[Sometimes I'll mix colors 'cause they wrote recently but are leaving the fandom or something]
[Example of my color system would be:
@kissoflightning because this writer has posted a DBH fic in November, 2024]
Okay, brace yourself for a LONG LIST below the cut!
If anyone panics and can't find my fics on Ao3 for whatever reason, I've made all my fics as "show only to registered users." I apologize if those that like to comment as a guest on Ao3 aren't able to due to the change of this setting. Because of this, I still have my asks on tumblr as anonymous asks enabled.
This change is due to the recent trend of AI scraping tools being used on Ao3, and the increased likelihood (and paranoia) that someone may turn around to try to sell the fanfics I've written to other people.
Since I believe my fics should always remain free to potential audiences while also trying to thwart the unethical practices of these scraping practices, I unfortunately have to make this change from now on.
(Also, on a side note, since I've graduated from undergrad and started my new job I'm slowly going back into the rhythm of writing again.)
howdy do y'all, I want to apologize for not updating my fanfics at the pace that I'd originally intended. Now that school is finishing up and that I'm setting up for a new position at work, hopefully that means that I'll have time again to write fanfic.
Hello! Just making this post to invite anyone 20+ to a new discord server. Open to any and all fandoms, a welcoming and inclusive atmosphere, and once we have a big enough group we'll be doing weekly events as well! We have categories for social, fandoms, and writing. Hope to see you there. ☺️
A well-moderated multi-fandom space. We have plenty of users in small fandoms or with rarepairs, you'll be in good company. OC friendly, and welcoming to all ships and genres. No exceptions.
Our application keeps us scammer free and ensures the space is for folks 20 or older. If you're looking for a chill community to talk about writing or reading fic with, join 20+ fanfic.
Rules: Make a 24 hour poll with the names of your WIPs, let it run, then work for 10 minutes for every vote the winner receives.
Which WIP should I work on?
Duality of Light (longfic, Android!Gavin, enemies-to-friends Connor & Gavin)
Something In Between Hope and Hell (3rd in oneshot trilogy, angst)
Where Life Goes (Luther-centric casefic, post-canon, longfic)
Radio Etiquette (crack/humor fic, someone causing issues at the DPD lol)
Gavin and Hank's After-Midnight Sanity Tour 2038 (crackfic convenience store AU)
Voting ended onAug 29, 2023
I'd like to do this since classes are in session and I need some kind of excuse to work on something that isn't homework, while also getting input from people who happen to follow me on tumblr.
Tagging, but no pressure to follow through 💙 @veilder @jplupine @im-golden-tm @punemy-spotted @vrokroa
If you see this and haven't been tagged, you can participate too! Please tag me in your post so that I can see and vote on your poll😁(and also please indicate if you would like to be tagged in the future when more games like this come up, but this is 100% optional!)
Through group effort, you have accomplished me spending umm...
19 x 0.421 = 7.99999
Rounding up, that's 8 votes for Duality of Light. So that means 80 minutes! I appreciate the input from other voters, and the interest in fics I didn't realize had any kind of demand for!
Rules: Make a 24 hour poll with the names of your WIPs, let it run, then work for 10 minutes for every vote the winner receives.
Which WIP should I work on?
Duality of Light (longfic, Android!Gavin, enemies-to-friends Connor & Gavin)
Something In Between Hope and Hell (3rd in oneshot trilogy, angst)
Where Life Goes (Luther-centric casefic, post-canon, longfic)
Radio Etiquette (crack/humor fic, someone causing issues at the DPD lol)
Gavin and Hank's After-Midnight Sanity Tour 2038 (crackfic convenience store AU)
Voting ended onAug 29, 2023
I'd like to do this since classes are in session and I need some kind of excuse to work on something that isn't homework, while also getting input from people who happen to follow me on tumblr.
Tagging, but no pressure to follow through 💙 @veilder @jplupine @im-golden-tm @punemy-spotted @vrokroa
If you see this and haven't been tagged, you can participate too! Please tag me in your post so that I can see and vote on your poll😁(and also please indicate if you would like to be tagged in the future when more games like this come up, but this is 100% optional!)
Duality of Light // Tue 2038-12-14 // Part Two (teaser? ish?)
I'd been so bogged down with work, research, and presentations this summer, and the semester is starting up again in the next few weeks? And two days ago a huge project was dumped on me for my research? After trying so hard to get this next chapter done? Aggghhh. I love what I'm doing, but I have no time for writing fanfic 😞
Because I feel bad that I haven't been able to put out a chapter for this fic on Ao3 for so long, I'm gonna share another snippet at least for those here on tumblr. Not yet edited (the chapter is looking to be 15k-16k before editing. RIP.) but I feel that these sections are closer to what I want to be in the Ao3-ready version that I intend to publish once I find time again to work on it.
FYI, even though this isn't the whole chapter, it's still a bit of a read (about 4000 words). So please don't freak out if you see the huge wall of text when clicking that "read more." Also, this obviously makes no sense if you haven't read the fic on Ao3, so here's the parts that come before it here lol (please heed the warnings and tags at the top of the fic): https://archiveofourown.org/works/37467820/chapters/93505051
Characters: Connor (Detroit: Become Human) | Gavin Reed | Hank Anderson | Elijah Kamski
Tags (straight from Ao3): Enemies to Friends | Found Family | everyone is bad at feelings | Gavin Reed Redemption | Android Gavin Reed | Connor Deserves Happiness | Elijah Kamski & Gavin Reed are Half-Siblings | Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human) | Post-Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human) | Angst and Feels | Drama | Connor is a Mess (Detroit: Become Human) | Tags May Change | Other Additional Tags to Be Added | Warnings May Change | Gavin Reed Being an Asshole | Gavin Reed Being Less of an Asshole | Canon-Typical Violence | Post-Canon | Reconciliation | Pacifist Markus (Detroit: Become Human) | Elijah Kamski Being Elijah Kamski | like seriously Elijah why did you do this to my plot now I gotta deal with the consequences | The Author Regrets Everything | all the happy tags are endgame so buckle up for a long ride | It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better | Good Parent Hank Anderson | Implied/Referenced Suicide | Implied/Referenced Character Death | now with workskin | No Romance | sorry i can't write romance but if you see something if you squint i won't stop you lol | Grief/MourningIdentity | Case Fic | Angst with a Happy Ending | Connor Needs A Hug | Everyone Needs A Hug | Character Death? | Character Death | Betrayal | Dubious Morality
Another lead to follow, higher in priority. Connor made a side note to reference it later.
Irrelevant. Irrelevant. Irrelevant.
Indeterminate, no leads.
He paused in his interface with his terminal, going over all the case files that the DPD had and seeing if there was a possible connection with them and their current case that involved the recent murders.
>> CR# 11762
>>> STATUS - CLOSED
Closed case. It might've not been related, however, there were several redacted notes that made it nearly incomprehensible and possibly even unimportant because it was considered a resolved report under normal police procedure. There was enough information in it that, knowing what he knew now, Connor had reason to believe that the people involved in this report was Reed and Stevens. Eyewitness report, but who was this eyewitness? Who were these people involved in their extraction?
And then there was a similar copy that was with the data that was seized from Kamski's property for their investigation. It was related to their case, beyond all reasonable doubt, but how can a report that detailed the events that started it all have so little to go on? He was so quick to label it as "indeterminate," too, because it didn't register as something important with a cursory parsing through the database.
He withdrew his hand from the interface. He should bring this up to Hank. Maybe this needed organic eyes to make sense of all of this.
However, when he turned to ask him something, he saw Hank fully engrossed in his own terminal and stacks and stacks of case files near to toppling off his desk, an intensity in his expression that he hadn't seen before. Lieutenant Anderson had a focus or… feeling around him that said to anyone watching that he was a man on a mission and nothing would stop him to accomplish it.
That was a feeling that Connor knew, and maybe even he missed, that feeling where he had no doubts to distract him, no layers and layers of emotions that he had to parse through first before redirecting his path towards accomplishing his mission.
No, he should stop thinking like that. This was better than being a machine. This, and all its troubles was better than going back to what he was before.
He dug into his pocket, taking care to avoid brushing his fingers against the storage drive and brought out his coin. There was a strange feeling—another glitch, maybe—when Connor held his quarter in his hand again. There were so many things that he didn't know about life, about humanity, about Hank, about Reed.
About himself.
Given that he was a prototype, other people didn't know much about him, either. Except Reed had a possible answer as to why he did a few things the way he did, like his quarter. He liked dogs, but why? He had his Zen garden in his mind palace, empty and fractured it may be right now, but why? Could they all be related? Could understanding the different choices behind the design of his basic programming help him fix all the errors he was experiencing in his software?
He wondered maybe it was mutual. Maybe he knew more about Reed than what Reed knew about himself. At the very least, he had the rest of Reed's fragmented programming sitting at the bottom of his pocket.
Referring to his directories holding all his references and cross-references with his experiences with emotions, he dredged aup a word for the strange feeling.
Dread.
He stood from his seat as he pulled up the building's map and navigated himself to the rooftop. Reed wasn't the only one who needed a change in scenery today.
[scene break]
Connor was wrong. He had to be.
"I think many people care about you, Detective Reed."
Gavin tapped impatiently at the side of his terminal input, waiting for the database to load all the information they had on their case. Damn, did they end up with a big one. His eyes glossed over the titles of some files, recognizing the naming system Elijah used. The information on the victims in the case updated with Chloe's information. Deactivated.
Dead.
He turned off the screen, keeping the process running, but not wanting to really see more of it yet.
Or ever.
Tina passed by his desk, pulling out a memorandum from Fowler and putting it on a stack of papers next to him. And he noticed a small scribble of her handwriting on one corner: "You're the baddest bitch in town."
A stupid motivational message as condescending as always.
Gavin felt a firm thud at the back of his chair as Chris went to get up, accidentally knocking his desk chair against Gavin's for the thousandth time and immediately trying to apologize and offering to get him a coffee from the break room to make up for the slight. For all he knew, with how much Chris had done it, he did it on purpose.
It was all routine. Even when Gavin had a literal life change and had to have a whole reclassification of his employment files, Chen and Miller still kept to routine. He should be mad at them. He should be angry that they weren't angry at the whole injustice that this all was. They worked alongside this lie for years. Shouldn't they also feel betrayed?
Shouldn't they all see what a fucked up mess this was?
Chris brought him his coffee, as promised, smiling at him before placing it Tina's handwriting on the memo and returning to his own desk.
Gavin took a peeved sip of the coffee.
People cared about him?
He skimmed the memo from Fowler, a notice that he was going to have to do a press meeting about how fucking slowly Anderson, Connor, and Gavin were making any kind of headway into their case because media finally noticed that Elijah was in the police station a bit too long. Almost as if he was being held for a crime.
The thought of having to somehow get him to answer to the fucked-up shit he did made him grip the page a lot tighter, nearly damaging a few pixels on the digital paper.
But then he saw Tina's words in looped cursive, a skill that was utterly useless, but she insisted on practicing her handwriting whenever she could because she felt she could at least leave a human touch on things in her own way.
"You're the baddest bitch in town," Gavin whispered, reading the words with a half-chuckle.
He sighed and turned the memo over. Scrubbed his eyes. He blindly reached for his coffee and took another sip. It was steaming hot but the pain didn't register, and damn, now that he thought about it, he wondered how we went on for so long never noticing that detail. He wondered if anyone had noticed his lack of reaction towards a burning hot liquid.
Someone must have.
Anyone.
Gavin stared down into the dark liquid of his cup, its surface catching the lights in the ceiling.
There was a mole in the DPD. They must've known.
Gavin turned his head slightly, watching Chris as he typed out a report. Could he have been the mole?
What about Tina? Could she have known? Were these condescending messages a hint toward something else? Or were they actually people that cared? Were they people without ulterior motives? Chris had a family to take care of. Tina had her sister and her mom to look out for. Both of them would have too much at stake to be playing at two sides. Were they people willing to sacrifice what they had for the sake of greed?
"How's Damian doing?" Gavin asked, spinning his chair around to face Chris.
"What—?" Chris stopped his typing and turned his own chair around. "Oh! Uh… He's doing good. Why'd you ask?"
"Just wondering."
"Are you… okay?"
"Fuckin' peachy."
"Are you sure? Honest answer, please."
Gavin let out a short laugh. "Of fucking course not, but I'm managing."
"I'm… sorry to hear that." Chris scratched the back of his neck. "If… you wanna talk about it—"
"Why do you do it?" Gavin asked. "You and Tina. The notes. The coffee. Why?"
"Because it's a nice thing to do? Learning about what you're going through right now… We can't even imagine. We thought with how much is changing for you, you might appreciate if we kept a few things like they were before. At the end of the day, you're still our coworker, and we watch each other's backs."
"Right." Gavin sighed and shook his head. "Right. Of course."
"Is there a problem? That you're… okay with sharing, obviously."
"Nah, I'm good. That's a good answer."
"…okay?" Chris returned to working on his report. Gavin could see that Chris wasn't "okay" with the probing, but at least he seemed cool with leaving it at that for now. He mulled over Chris' answer.
They only did it to be nice.
Damn it. This case was getting into his head.
Okay, so maybe Connor had a point? People cared about him, or at least maybe Miller and Chen did. Maybe not in the way he'd want them to, but they did in their own way. Maybe in the way he needed them to.
Gavin snuck a quick glance over to where Connor sat at his desk from across the bullpen, his coworker in the middle of an interface with the terminal, LED still having one spot perpetually stuck on yellow.
And Connor said he cared.
After a few moments, Connor turned to Anderson and opened his mouth to say something, but his LED quickly flashed to red with that one dot of not-red. Connor really should get that light of his checked. Weren't those supposed to be indicators for what kind of processes were running in their heads?
Gavin couldn't imagine anyone having a glimpse of what was really going on in his head, how exposing it would be to not have that amount of privacy in the least.
Maybe that's why some androids chose to remove theirs.
But that posed the question of why Connor still had his.
Connor frowned, withdrawing his hand and stuffing it into his pocket, bringing out that coin he always had on him. He must've noticed that Gavin was watching him, since he inclined his head a bit in his direction before standing and leaving his desk.
Must've given up on telling Anderson what he wanted to say. The lieutenant was engrossed in the stacks of case files on his desk and was wholly unaware of Connor's leave.
Fucking Anderson. Even if he supposedly got his act together, he was still dropping the ball like he always did.
Gavin shook his head disapprovingly.
So maybe people cared about Gavin.
But how many cared about Connor? In the way they needed to?
Gavin pressed his hands against the top of his knees as he watched Connor take the door to the rooftop access stairs. Gavin debated whether he should follow him, pressing his hands firmer against the grain of his jeans enough to leave indents when he removed his palms to look at them. He caught a glimpse of his split knuckle as he did so.
…fuck it.
[scene break]
Going up here was a mistake.
Connor gripped the chainlink fence surrounding the half-walls of the rooftop as another…
…preconstruction?
…memory?
Whatever it was, it assaulted his sensors, making it nearly impossible to focus on any other inputs he was trying to override it with. He was fine when he made his way up here. The malfunction triggered by seeing how high up he was.
Fighting. Blood spattering in crimson and sapphire. The mission to kill Markus. To kill these DPD officers. To kill Hank. All these people getting in the way of his main objective. This wasn't what he wanted to remember of what he used to be the days before the revolution.
What could've been.
But maybe he needed to. Maybe this was how he could keep from ever wanting to be a machine again.
If only Hank weren't so prominent in these malfunctions.
"Hey!" Reed called from suddenly too close behind him. How had he not noticed that he followed him up here? "What the fuck are you doing?"
Connor tried to speak, to exit the processes that were currently running this preconstruction, but he found that he couldn't. His grip on the fence tightened, rattling the metal as he trembled.
He couldn't let go.
He couldn't exit the nightmare program still running.
He was stuck.
And someone, worst of all Detective Reed, was watching him as he tried to pull his programming together and failing. No one was supposed to know. They didn't need to.
He felt his breaths quickening, too hot, his stress rising, stress-sensor still broken.
"Connor?" Reed asked him.
Connor tried to loosen his fingers, to at least hide how much he was shaking. Tried again to turn off the bombardment of fists and gunshots and dropping Hank from the building—no, Hank charging at him and falling—no, Hank shoving?—dropping?—him from the building.
Then it stopped.
He found that Reed had brought him away from the fence and closer to the rooftop access door.
"Shit, why the hell are you burning up?" Reed said under his breath.
Connor brushed off Reed's hands on him and he took off his jacket to try to cool down, his armband dropping onto the thin layer of snow on the roof. Reed stooped to pick it up, hesitated, then handed it to him.
"My stress was too high," Connor said. "Androids tend to overheat once stress reaches a certain point."
"Right. Right. The orientation. That uh… is a thing that happens. Right."
Connor could tell that Reed wanted to say something else, but instead looked away.
"You good now?" Reed said after a few moments.
"Yes. Why are you here?"
"Wanted to check on you. Y'know… 'cuz uh… you checked on me earlier. When I…" He rolled his wrist, circling his hands ambiguously in the air. Both of their gazes went to Reed's split knuckle on one of his fingers. He cleared this throat. "What was that?"
Connor draped his jacket in the crook of his elbow after replacing his band where it belonged around his arm. "It was nothing."
"Nah, not this again. You need to get this checked, whatever the fuck this is."
"I will," Connor said.
"You better," Reed said. "Because that was…" He exhaled, chewed a little bit on the inside of his lip. "That shit didn't look fun to experience."
"And how would you know?"
"I… get like that, kinda. Sometimes. Maybe it's different, being uh… different… android models but… Maybe not all that different, considering…" Another wrist roll. "All our shit."
He could see how carefully Reed tried to pick his words, as if he didn't know how to talk about whatever it was he was trying to get at. Both unable to bring themselves to talk about something so… unpleasant. There was a small rumble from deep in Connor's chest, and he couldn't help but pull the corners of his mouth upward.
Connor laughed.
"How the fuck could you be laughing right now?" Reed asked, half in his usual irritation, other half something… concerned?
"I don't know," Connor said in between fits. He started up again, this time with even more force. It wasn't until he realized that there was moisture running down his face. He brushed it away with his sleeve, and felt even more running down his chin, and he realized that he was crying.
Laughter morphed into sobbing.
"I don't know," Connor said, his vocal modulator stuttering. "I don't know, Detective Reed."
"Shit," Reed said. "Shit. Uh…" Running his hands through his hair, Reed shuffled his feet, and then: "I should get Anderson."
"No," Connor said, grabbing Reed by the elbow as he was about to leave. Why couldn't he stop crying? "He can't know."
He expected Reed to just ignore him and go on with getting Hank. Instead, Reed nodded. "Okay, what do you need me to do?"
"Forget you saw anything."
Reed huffed out a breath and nodded. "Alright."
Reed wasn't putting up a fight about this?
"What?" Connor said.
"I'll forget this happened," Reed said. "Or pretend at least. As long as you tell me what the fuck is going on."
Connor looked down at his jacket and his shirt sleeves. The saline had frozen into small beads of frost, with more continuing to be added to it. And these were his new clothes, too.
He started sobbing again, not because of his clothes, but because of all the things he could be thinking of, he was concerned about something so trivial. Maybe his software was getting dangerously unstable.
"I'm scared," Connor said softly. "I don't know what's wrong with me, and… I don't like where it's going." He swiped at his eyes, catching more of his tears with the cuff of his sleeve. "I don't think anyone can fix it."
"What is 'it', Connor?"
"I had an AI handler," Connor said. "I destroyed her after she took over my functions to try to assassinate Markus, and I damaged several parts of my software in the process."
Reed brushed the scar on his nose, not saying anything as he looked off into the distance. "Her…?"
There it was, that look again. Right before he gave Connor information about his fixation about his quarter.
"Can you describe this handler?" Reed asked.
"Her name was Amanda," Connor said. "I believe she was modeled after Kamski's former mentor, Amanda Stern."
Reed's hand dropped and formed into a fist. "Fuck. He did not. He did not fucking do that." He sighed and shook his head. "Sorry. Continue. Why are you afraid of getting rid of her? Sounds like she was a real bitch if she tried to take control of you."
"She was… amicable at first." Connor said. "I thought I could've trusted her. She was a part of my programming, acting as a liaison between me and CyberLife but for her to take complete control was…"
Cold. Bracing against a harsh blast of chill, Amanda making him take aim at Markus, as he stumbled and crawled his way to the emergency exit. A gunshot rang in Amanda's triumph—
Reed shook his shoulder. "Hey, you're doing that thing again."
"Sorry." Connor moved his jacket to his other arm to use another sleeve to wipe the moisture from his eyes. "I'm not too pleased with the possibility that she's not completely gone. I don't want Hank to know, because he's aware of what she was capable of and what she tried to make me do, but I don't want him to worry about it."
"And what would 'it' be?"
"I don't want him to worry about—" Connor closed his eyes the moment he caught what his next words would be.
"About what? Her coming back? You losing control?"
Connor shook his head. Those were concerns of his, yes, but… it was more than that when it came to Hank. That wasn't what he was about to say.
Again, that unnamed emotion rose up to the top of his processes, error codes and all. That feeling—he hated it. But he could feel it start to corrupt the controls in his speech synthesizers, as if that feeling wanted a way to escape…
…and he didn't want to keep fighting it.
"I don't want him to worry about losing me. I don't want him to worry about me… dying."
Reed's expression softened. A little sadder. A little… lost.
[scene break]
Gavin had to step away, hearing Connor admit that; had to resist cupping his hands over his ears and shoving the memory away. Connor no longer had to say anything else to explain his situation, because that was something Gavin knew intimately.
His feet had stilled near the entryway of a hospital room, hovering near enough to the opening to overhear the whirring and beeps of machines helping to stave off the inevitable as his mother talked to Chloe before she went off to surgery. A surgery that would help take her pain away, but with complications that would take her away years later.
"It's not that, Chloe," Mom had said as Gavin eavesdropped on their conversation. He hadn't trusted that machine to be alone in the same room as her, especially not after witnessing the destruction Chloe created of that ST200. "I worry him enough. I don't want him to worry about losing me, but… you know how Gav is. He's stubborn enough to act like it doesn't bother him, but he's already lost his brother to his inventions. I don't want him to feel like he'll lose his mother the same way. You'll keep an eye on both of them for me, will you? You'll keep them from doing anything they might regret later?"
"I'm afraid I can't make any promises for the latter," Chloe had said. "But I can assure you that I will watch over them for you the best way I can."
"Good. That's good, Chloe. You're doing really well, I hope you know that." A long sigh. "I wish that Eli were here."
"He wasn't able to attend due to several business meetings today, but I can at least tell him for you later."
"I would like that. Thank you. Oh, and Chloe, before you go get Gavin." A pause. "Keep this for me. It's a gift."
Gavin shook out his hands, giving them a break from how much he was clenching and unclenching them. It was hard to believe those memories were not real.
And damn if he was going to just stand by seeing someone else feeling like his mom did that day and not do or say anything about it.
"Alright, here's what we're gonna do," Gavin said, shoving the memory back and trying to keep to the present with Connor. "I won't tell Anderson, like I promised, got it? I'll even pretend I didn't see anything up here, but there's a huge… something about this that you're not confronting. And believe me when I say I get it."
Connor's processing LED spun yellow—for good reason this time and not looking like a glitch. "Why are you doing this, Detective Reed? I find your change in demeanor surprising, if I'm honest."
Damn Connor for being so perceptive, even after experiencing a full-blown panic attack in the middle of a flashback—or whatever it was that Connor was experiencing. It was fucking disturbing to have to witness someone like Connor in the throes of what looked like a trauma response.
There was no fucking way Anderson of all people didn't notice something was up.
But he promised Connor he'd keep quiet just to get him to talk through it because, goddamn, was that not fun to watch.
So why was he doing this for him? Why was he willing to stick his neck out again for someone? Connor could end up being another Ray, or another Eli, or another Leah, or Mom, or Dad, or…
Or maybe he really wanted to believe that Connor was different. Maybe he was the exception to the rule.
Maybe Gavin was open to hoping again.
"Alright, I'll add another condition to forgetting this happened," Gavin said, holding up his index finger to emphasize. "You don't fucking say what I'm gonna say to anyone, got it?"
A small smile stretched across Connor's lips, and he nodded. "Of course, Detective."
"You weren't that bad of company for lunch, and I thought about what you said, earlier. About people caring, about you being one of them and maybe I wanted to return the favor. At least a little."
Connor's smile widened, same crooked way he did earlier. "I see. Thank you, Detective Reed."
"Remember what I said, Connor," Gavin said. "Tell anyone I said this, and I'll tell Anderson."
Connor laughed. It was a good laugh, not as strangled as it was before, which meant that Gavin was at least not completely fucking this up. A blue LED was also a good sign, too, but with Connor, that could be a false positive.
Gavin still couldn't quite shake the feeling that Connor was still hiding something. He wanted to ask, but… after what happened earlier?
Tagged by @winter-seabass <3
Tagging: @arcanehackist @temporary-enthusiasm @hauntedoneao3 @spensual @liamfaoisidhe and anyone else. <3
Blank template under the cut. <3
My caveats:
- Had an "OId" Account (FF.net, Livejournal) - Yes, and I still do; however, I did not write or post fanfiction.
- Love Researching Before Writing - I will definitely research, but only at the point which I need to, aka as I'm writing. I wouldn't say I love it, but I definitely deem it necessary.
- Keeps an Outline for Writing - Not REALLY. My BB fic has an outline which I have been (loosely) following, but most of my pieces are shorter and I know where I'm going.
- Editing and Formatting Before Posting is Hell - I edit and format as I write, which puts me at writing 5-6wpm on average (even though I type quickly and accurately otherwise). I will also re-read after posting and edit further as necessary.
- Has Written While Drunk at Least Once - I don't recall if I've written drunk? Maybe? Definitely high, though. Definitely high.
- Wants to be a Professional Writer Someday - While I don't know if I want to write for money, I definitely would like to receive money for writing (two completely different things XD); I also would prefer a job that I could write while doing working.
I'm passing this potato to @pseudonymmcwriter, @cyberllfe, @connorsjorts, @leelany-world, @cyberbullyingandroids, @gavinisqueer, @sevdrag, @chaos-thirium, and any other lovely writers who wanna participate!
thank you for the tag! and to @advictoriams and @itsybitsybatsyspider who tagged me as @ltcolonelcarter ✨
this was fun, I didn’t think I’d manage to block out quite so many, but here we are 😌
tagging @staticl0ve @blurredout10 @chaos-thirium l @cyberbullyingandroids @detroitbecomeonline and @jadefyre. I think everyone else has already been tagged, but if you HAVEN’T, I’m officially tagging you too
Ah, thank you, @detroitbecomeonline! Haha, I only got bingo twice, but still. XD
Also, I feel the need to go into depth with some of these? So...
I do have an "old" Fanfiction.net account, though I only ever used it to save my favorite fics. I never published anything I wrote until AO3, haha. But it is sometimes fun to go back and look at all the stuff I used to be into. (I have very much moved on from a lot of it though. XD)
Pretty much all my fics are unbetaed? Although, I do love showing them to people before I post, a great folly of mine. XD Usually it's just for them to read, though, no notes involved.
All my fics are so damn self-indulgent.
If I have the energy for it, I will absolutely be all up in your comment section driving you insane with my brain dumping, lol! I don't comment near as much anymore as I used to, but damn, when I get going... >_> (And you bet your ass I try to leave kudos literally every time, omg.)
I LOVE FLUFF!!!
My main ship for many, many years was a M/M ship and like half of what I wrote for that fandom is about them, lol!
I am... technically a multifandom writer at this point? Uh, since I've kinda burnt out on my main fandom, I've been experimenting with some other ones over the years. Haven't published anything yet, but damn, I think it's only a matter of time.
I am literally in the midst of a research hole for a fic rn, lol! It's always fascinating, learning about history or other cultures or doing lore deep dives for fics! :D
I AM THE MOST ANXIOUS PERSON I KNOW WHEN IT COMES TO FICS!!! I GET HEART PALPITATIONS ANY TIME I UPLOAD ANYTHING!!!! I LIVE IN TERROR OF THE INEVITABLE DAY WHEN I GET MY FIRST FLAME COMMENT!!!
I have been so so so so so fortunate to receive fanarts for some of my fics?!?! It absolutely destroys me every time, knowing that something I wrote inspired someone else to create something beautiful. Ahhhh, I get so emotional thinking about it. 😭
God, my unfinished fics... Fellas, you have no idea. I think I have more unpublished stuff written at this point than my entire profile's wordcount. -_-
The middle of the night is always when my brain seems most stimulated, which is stupid cuz I'm sleeby then. >_> But I used to do all my best writing late at night? And even now, I stayed up til like 1:30 am last nigth brainstorming stuff about a fic I wanna write, lol! And then I woke up thinking about it! XD
As far as fics that I think deserve more attention go... Listen, I have been hugely fortunate in the reception and feedback my fics have garnered? I never ever expected some of them to do as well as they have, it blows my mind every time I think about it. And even my longest fic, which I consider something of a flop, still got a pretty ridiculous turnout when you think about it, especially considering how... esoteric it is, lol. It just kinda pales in comparison to some of my other, more conventional fics, lol. But I do genuinely believe that it's the best thing I've ever written and I really... poured a lot of myself into it. That being said, I literally just received some absolutely beautiful fanart for it just a few days ago that just blew me away, so who am I to complain really, lol?! XD
...Whew! Well, that was more than just a little context for most of these, but oh well. Haha, if anyone's still reading this mess, feel free to send me an ask or something if you'd like clarification on anything. XD
Tagging: @woppy42 @eomma-jpeg @ewates @sarunohadaki @thedarkivist @laoness @titaniumpsychologist @nock-and-bolt @indigo-a-creeping @valeffelees and anyone else who'd like a go at it, lol!
Thank you @veilder for the tag! (I guess it's time to expose my fanfic history lol)
tagging @dreaminghour @raeality @vrokroa @jplupine @punemy-spotted @im-golden-tm @fancyfrey and @pseudonym89
I got bingo eight times 😬 Extra stuff found under the cut
For the ones I haven't filled in:
I'm, I guess, "older" in which I got into fanfiction in the early 2000s, so Wattpad wasn't much a thing for me since I was really stuck in FF.net during those days. Got into Ao3 in the later 2000s/early 2010s and hardly looked back other than to update a fic here and there that I had ongoing on FF.net. I do have a Wattpad account, but never really used it.
I have nothing against other people writing it and enjoying it, but smut content isn't really my thing 😅
I don't really drink, so I've never written while drunk (hard to believe with some things I have published before lol)
For the ones that I have filled in but I feel like sharing a bit more behind it lol:
I've written several fics, but never have I been able to write a fluff fic, as much as I enjoy them 😭
EDITING AND FORMATTING (especially one specific longfic) IS HELL AND CREATED THIS HELL FOR MYSELF, 100% but it's okay because that one is my pride and joy at the moment lololol
Back when I had more time, I used to roleplay a lot for a fandom I used to be super involved in. I especially loved RPing as antagonists and NPCs since no one wanted to (everyone else wanted canon or protagonists or their OCs in the groups I was a part of). I have very fond memories lol
The fic that deserves more attention is undoubtably my fruit fly crackfic. I don't care who says otherwise, that one deserves more people happening upon it, reading it, and questioning my sanity lol
I do hope to be a professional writer one day, but not necessarily in the fiction sense since I want my future career to be in research and that kinda inherently means I need to publish as part of my profession. Though I won't say no to somehow getting a fiction book published too.
Rambling in the groupchat about what happens next in your WIP and then Copy+Pasting your rambling into the outline, or just the bottom of your WIP, so you remember what you were doing and have a foot in the door towards finishing it.
last song: i'm not actually sure but spotify says it's almost (sweet music) by hozier
currently watching: i watched the force awakens for the first time yesterday. also i'm deep in my buffy/angel rewatch
currently reading: just started the wall of winnipeg and me by mariana zapata!! also i'm still reading rebecca and i honestly don't know why it's taking me so long bc i do like it a lot
latest obsession: i've been really into romance novels again lately, i read like seven in the past two weeks and a half lmao
no pressure tags <3 @brandycranby @writing-for-marvel @barnesafterglow @aphrogeneias @imaginearyparties @scrumptious-delusion and anyone else who wants to!!
currently watching: meh im not really watching anything. i started tooth pari on netflix (vampire 🩷 shy dentist babygirl man) but never watched past ep 2.
currently reading: i just finished All Quiet on the Western Front, honestly i loved it. it made me reflect a lot, on simple things like food, the pandemic. it slowed down life for me which is exactly opposite of what social media does (gives me anxiety)
latest obsession: im back on my animal crossing bullshit hehe i go through viddy game phases where i binge and then don't touch it for a month. i just got blaire the squirrel, i love her so much
no pressure tags @rodrikstark @punemy-spotted @babyjakes @ttyls @ronearoundblindly @ghotifishreads @astrorogers @eloquentreverie @buckymorelikefuckme & anyone who sees this 😗🫵🏻
last song: No Glory by the Eagle Rock Gospel Singers
currently watching: technically I have Crimson Peak loaded up on Netflix, but who knows if I'll actually watch it?
currently reading: I just finished a reread of Piranesi by Susanna Clark, which is beautiful but I keep getting so lost in the stunning description that I forget what the book is about and then feel lost and confused in the House. I'm starting on This is how you Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar.
latest obsession: i'm crocheting, but like... when am I not crocheting, i guess? i've made three bandanas so far and honestly that is too many bandanas for someone who doesn't really wear bandanas. also they all have elastic headband things so they're more like headbands with triangles attached to them. very pretty, but uh... my roommate is a little worried about me.
no pressure tags: @chickensarentcheap; @chibilostsoul; @titaniumpsychologist; @hope-to-hell; @stargazingfangirl18; @bewitchedbodyandsol; @stellarisable; @dreaminghour; @raeality and anyone else who sees this!! Y'all know who you are.
(i don’t think i’ve done something like this before so bear with me)
last song: The World You Love by Jimmy Eat World (my music taste is stuck in pre-2012 lol)
currently watching: I think I was in the middle of watching Rogue One a while back before I got too busy, if that counts. Really liked watching Andor, despite not having watched Rogue One.
currently reading: My fanfic bc i lost track Textbooks. The one currently on screen is Clinical Forensic Psychology: Introductory Perspectives on Offending, edited by Drs. Garofalo and Sijtsema. Yes, this is for fun, and yes, maybe it’s a little for fanfic research purposes, too. it’s for my future scientific research purposes mainly oops
latest obsession: Melon flavored Tang. I know it’s not healthy, but melon/cantaloupe everything is my current thing right now, and melon tang is at the top of that list asdklfjalksdfjalsdkfj
tagging, but no pressure to do this if you don’t want to! @fancyfrey @vrokroa @veilder @pseudonym89 @jplupine @im-golden-tm @sarunohadaki @sarunohadaki @sarunohadaki (i tagged you three times, Saru, because you told me to lol) as well as anyone who sees this, feel free to participate too!
Because idk how these ask things actually work, uhhh here's kinda-longer one?
Another scene from Duality of Light (heed ao3 tags), but this one is actually deleted but DANG IT I WANTED TO KEEP IT SO BAD. Spoilers ahead~~~
~~~
Gavin held the tablet in his hands, fingers still lingering over the text that held the release papers for exhuming the grave.
"What do you think I should do?" Gavin asked Chloe. "You knew him."
"Are you thinking that you're not him?"
"Yeah, but…"
"Gavin," Chloe said. "Do you believe that what I've done before I deviated is me? I know it's not the same, but I think it might be… similar to what you're going through. My memories haven't changed, but my awareness of them has."
His grip on the tablet tightened, memories of Chloe shooting that other android that shared her same face that day, thirium splattering all over the walls and floors from the gunshot straight into android skull. The same thirium slowly draining from Chloe right now, flowing unseen in his own body, hiding the lie he was.
Yet, she said she knew him. And he's asked this question to Anderson, to Elijah, to even Connor, of all people, to answer who the fuck he is. And Chloe? He has memories of her, so many of them. She, of all people, like Elijah, should have the answer.
So why the fuck can't he get it?
"I don't know what to think, Chloe," Gavin said. "It's not fair. Someone trying so hard to make things work… And then he just… He just dies and leaves everything unfinished. Life's so fucking cruel."
And maybe that was the answer all along.
He couldn't accept the truth. It would've been so much better had he not known what really happened to him. No one was the wiser, right?
Except CyberLife. Fuck CyberLife.
"Who says he left it unfinished?" Chloe took his hand in hers. "Maybe you should see this as a second chance. I know that… how things got to this point wasn't right, but you're here. That you're still here means a lot." Chloe smiled, squeezed his hand. "Rachel and Henry did you a disservice, not seeing the potential you had. I'm sorry that they never got to see it. That Elijah never got to see it until it was too late. I hope you know that, even if it means little to you, I see it, Gavin, and I'm thankful that I finally had the chance to."
Hearing Chloe talk about Mom and Dad like that… Painting them in that not-so-great light instead of whatever Elijah programmed her to say. As if Chloe was actually having an opinion about them for once.
As if Chloe really was sincere.
A rarity where no one in this fucked up world would be real for once. Instead of some vapid concept of "caring" for someone. Of the thin veneer of just getting along for the sake of reputation.
"I'm sorry about what I said," Gavin said. "You don't believe that, right?"
"Is this about what you said before I made you leave?"
"How the fuck can you choose Chloe over your own flesh and blood? Chloe is nothing but a fake! A… A replacement! You created nothing but a monster!"
"You mean when he stopped talking to me? Yeah. I… I guess at the time I never thought it was possible."
Never thought it was possible for Chloe to be anything other than a machine.
"You wouldn't have known."
"I was still an asshole about it." Gavin pried his hand out of Chloe's grip. "This… This fucking sucks, Chloe. You…"
Even after all this time, he couldn't bring himself to confront the fact that someone was dying right in front of him. Not for his mom. Or his dad.
Fuck, maybe even for himself.
"It's okay, Gavin," Chloe said when he took too long to say anything else. "You don't need to say anything. I can live a hundred years, but I would've regretted every moment if I never got the chance to say I'm sorry."
I guess I can share a favorite segment I haven't shared publicly yet of my longfic. Snippet is from Duality of Light (please heed the ao3 warnings) also huuuuuuuge spoiler alert
~~~
Sighing, Gavin turned for his apartment building, already thinking about the mess he made before leaving for work earlier today. Fuck it, cleaning up the disaster he made with his journal was for tomorrow-Gavin. Tonight-Gavin just needed one good night's sleep, and maybe he could start making sense of everything again.
His hand was about to push the button on the security box to get inside when he heard the crunch of ice and asphalt from another car making its way down his road. Instincts made him look up to watch the car.
Recognition made him freeze in place.
Was that…?
No, it was probably a coincidence. He'd been too emotionally spent that his mind must be playing tricks on him.
But then the car passed by so slowly, giving him full view of the vehicle that there was no mistaking it.
Shit.
Slamming one hand against the security button granting him access to his apartment building, his other ready to draw his pistol, Gavin scrambled into the foyer just as the driver rolled down the car window and fired a few shots at him.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Glass exploded. Gavin hardly felt his feet pound against the linoleum as he ran for cover, firing a round of bullets back at the driver.
A peal of tires tearing down the roadway and around a bend. Heartbeats pulsing in his ears, a ringing whine droned as his hearing slowly returned. Joints slowly loosened around gunmetal as he peeked from his cover position to take in the damage. His phone buzzed a few times, and he pulled it out to glance at it briefly to see that he had gotten a few messages.
Before he checked them, he dialed 9-1-1 to report the shooting. After being assured by dispatch that police were on the way, he opened the first message.
He had to fight the urge to drop his phone and shoot out the screen.
Attached was an image of Elijah, held by the neck of his shirt by a hand made of dark plastic. There was a dark red mark on his cheek where it looked like someone had punched him.
