I am not overly open with my mental illness issues (I deal with the ever fun, ever confusing combo of Anxiety & Depression) with the people in my life, mostly because, I think, of it being trivialized. “Try exercising more!!” “Try yoga!!” “Go outside more!” “Just be happy/calm down!!” etc. However, my friends still know about them, I used to write about it on my public blog that they followed a lot, and they know I was seeing a therapist for a while specifically for Anxiety & Depression.
They’ve always said they’d be supportive when I need space and stuff, and while it’s a great thought and it feels good to hear in the moment, it rarely ever works like that in practice.
Two months ago I was having a really bad depressive episode and was almost unreachable for a full week. I tried my best to respond to texts, but I didn’t hang out with them at all for that week, then the following week I was visiting my boyfriend (LDR) and didn’t see them either. Combine that with the fact that I was unemployed at this point and was trying to avoid going out often and.... The day after I got back from visiting my boyf I got a huge novel of a text from one of my best friends explaining essentially that she and my other main friend felt like I was avoiding them and that I wasn’t “pulling my weight in the friendship” and was “expecting them to do all the work to keep it going.” It hurt, tbqh. When I explained I wasn’t in a good mental space and was also trying to save money (they had been wanting to go out 2+ nights a week), she responded “Yeah, that’s what we figured. You could be honest next time.” And while I honestly don’t think she meant to sound so snippy, it still felt like a slap in the face. I had been honest, I wasn’t trying to hide anything. It wasn’t like I had been making excuses. I WAS too tired to go out. I DID have stuff to catch up on. I DID fall asleep super fucking early one night after not sleeping the night before.
Since then I’ve been walking on egg shells with them. Going to stuff I didn’t really want to go to. Going out when I just wanted to hang in bed. Offering to DD so I could get around buying drinks. Hanging out with them when I really could use alone time. Bending my schedule to make sure I could always hang out with them when they wanted (often in ways that inconvenienced me). Afraid to cancel plans.
Then tonight. We made plans yesterday to go out, but last night I could not sleep, and ended up getting about an hour and a half total sleep. Then it was super busy at work and I ended up working from 8-3 when I was originally only supposed to work 9-12. Couple that with it being my mom’s birthday & the fact I have to get up early tomorrow and I was drained and just wanted to relax, BUT if they ended up just hanging somewhere let me know since I’d be down to chill for a few hours. I told them this around 5, giving them plenty of notice, and all I got was an “Ok.” from one of them, which made me really anxious because I thought they were mad at me. THEN I get snapchats from them they ended up just going to a local bar and then going back to my friend’s boyf’s house who lives not even 5 minutes from me around 10. No word from them besides that or an invite of any kind.
Even though I’m trying to tell myself they were probably pre-gaming and just forgot, I’m really hurt, tbh, like almost crying hurt, and 100% convinced they’re mad at me. Ugh.
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