Dead in the alone of the night

[toiivoton]

si me mato voy a confirmar todo, voy a hacer valido el esfuerzo y la preocupacion de todos la que cualquiera haya alguna vez tenido por mi, voy a validar y a hacer real todo eso, va a hacer que toda su energia no haya sido una perdida porque habra sido por algo real, algo que de verdad estaba pasando y no una invención de una idiota con delirios de llamar la atencion, habra sido verdad! no se habran preocupado por alguien que solo estaba actuando sino que si habra sido buen tiempo invertido

para que nadie jamas sienta que perdio el tiempo o dude de mi lo hare, para que todos esten orgullosos. yo tengo el poder de hacer hechos reales de hacer realidad, de confirmar yo y solo yo, nadie mas sabe lo que paso o si paso nadie puede saber si realmente es cierto cualquier cosa que yo sienta, la unica manera de saber si es cierto es matandome, asi ya todo estara bien ya no habra mas confusion o dudas, solo hechos y acciones y todo por fin estara bien y todos por fin me habra creido por fin por fin habran confiado en mis palabras, porque al fin y al cabo lo unico que realmente cuenta son las acciones las palabras no tienen absolutamente ningun peso ya todo estara bien por fin

[toiivoton]

snt that bad things has happened to me, is just that i was born overly sensitive and too weak for life, i feel i wasnt made for living and thats no ones fault or responsability, just bc im weak doesnt mean people or the world is bad or evil

my mind often feels so childlike i feel deeply disturbed and afflicted to the core for no reason im so scared the entire time for no reason, i feel so ashamed and hopeless im devastated and terrified for no reason and i cant understand what is so wrong with me

im beyond weak and too stupid to get help myself so all i do is cry. Im convinced i cant be repaired anyways. i cant see a realistic positive future for me

[toiivoton]

I found my old diary and i talk so much and i wrote so many horrible and scary things about my family, so many text post talking about my mother and father and one specifically very horrible refering to my parents as "the devil himself" saying that for when i kill myself i wantrd to let them know it was their fault. Theres so many horrible things written on these diaries its painful to read. The worse is that i cant even remember what lead me to writte all those things, the more i try to remember the less i remember, i dont even have memories of seeing my dad that year i dont remember a single thing i was scared of forgetting things and it turned out be true theres more things i cant remenber no matter how nuch i try, now im even forgetting things from past months its getting worse and im scared i cant believe im the same person who wrote all those bad things i cant believe i wrote that i was a bad person but if i cant remember what lead me to wrote all that on first place

I cant with this, the person who wrote that.. It all started in 2020 but it has gotten worse these months i cant deal with, i cant be the same person who wrote alll that. I feel as if i was just put on this body a year ago or some months ago i feel i was put on this body with no memories just with feelings of fear distress and confusion but i dont have the memories so i dont know from where does the feelings come, why was i put in this body i never asked for this why of all people it had to be this person.. They seemed so full of anger ans scary and i have take her place i dont know what to do im so scared and confused what am i supossed to do what i should do how do i deal with this someone please help me i dont know im scared im so scared i cant move i cant breath i cant exist i cant do this help help help i dont know what to do i dont know what to do

[novaiiko]

life have been so horrible, i have feeling things that cant be cured, feelingss that no longer can be erased or forgotten, my toughts will never come back as they were, everything have been so painful i no longer want to keep living, i feel i have had enough, even if someone confirm me life will be better i feel i no longer have energy or streght to keep going, i feel all i want now is rest, is to quit, if its bad if its good i dont care i just want to leave, please i just want to end this suffering

[willow]

im so sensitive i wasn’t made for earth

[bakwaaas]

I feel like I’m delusional and hyper self-aware at the same time

[dissociate-d]

i go from feeling fine to planning my suicide in a matter of seconds

[toiivoton]

When i dont cut i starve myself n eventually become unable to cosume food bc my body disaccustom to it, i simply cant stop this behavior im a lost cause

[toiivoton]

I grow up locked in a room most of time w my sister, she was and has been the person i have interacted the most my entire life, my life was that room and her so she was my entire world. my mom never acknowledged my existence unless it was to casually insult me or scream to me to insane levels when she was high (she did talked w my sister for some reason) and my father who only visited me to torment me and hit me, i would literally run trying to escape for then be catched and hit again n again and my mother would watch and laugh

My mother loved making jokes abt it and my sis get mad when i didnt stand up for myself against him, but i was so small and my dad was so big i dont know how i could have i just felt so humiliated and pathetic and weak, just a total worthless failure, i think when i see violent parents in movies or media they tend to be violent against all the family but i was the only one he ever hit, i feel there was something specific with me that it was so defectuous i made everyone upset and angry and sad, i wish i had never be born so everyone would have been happier people

At some point my sis went to live to panama w our grandman and i was put back in the same room with now no human interaction since my sis was gone this time, this made me miss her n feel she was my one and only savior back then.

until today im not sure for how long was i in that room bc there wasnt sun light it was so horrible i lost sense of time it could have been a week or 6 months i have no idea. I developed insomnia and also forgot how my voice sounded like and missed the sensation you get on your throat when you make a sound, so i would talk to myself at times, otherwise i felt i would end up forgetting how to talk. i had a tv and 3 cds and i cant stop thinking about them bc im so grateful for it, i could watch them on replay forever and have something to do and have company. i feel after this any possibility of social skills were now completely taken from me or thats what i love believeing bc i love blaming on

everything for my defects

Later when i was 11 my sis came back n started getting bad and really sad but it got so bad she started threatening about killing herself. If i didnt do everything she wanted I once tried writting how i was feeling and that i was feeling bad n she found my post hand she was so digusted, she told me no one does that and that it was cringe n that i should delete it, my best friend also got annoyed at me later for being scared all the time and writting so much nonsense, i have had so little amount of friends on my life and almost if not all have leave me for this.

if i looked sad she would get mad if i didnt do everthing she say it will be so bad much worse for me, shed got so upset and would later have freak outs and talk about killing herself

if i dont do what she says she will kill herself and it will be my fault, i had to clean everything for her do all her cleaning part, wash her clothes cook n bring her food, give her all my belongings agree to everything she says, later on life when i started working i must give her all my payments, when she screams or freaks out at me and by no means im allowed to say anything back if i do it will be the end it will be much worse.. on school i cried literally everyday in front of everyone bc i just wanted to die and i didnt wanted to go back home but at the same time i was losing it bc if i wasnt there w her she would kill herself and it woul be my fault, but then bc of crying sm and being so weird i got always got bullied on school

It was like this for the next 4 years then it became less horrible and now isnt so bad shes better and im glad now but i cant help but wonder if its also bc became better at not replying back and behaving, still she’s genuinely so good to me and we can laugh togheter but im so terrified of her

But i i dont know how to be away if i say i want to live alone she will be so sad and ill be questioned, and even so im so psychically n mentally ill. I often go blind, i was in bed sick for 2 years and my medication is already so expensive, i dont feel i can live by myself i dont know how to live without her im an absolutely lost cause a

nd i feel its too late for me and i cant be fixed n i feel even if everything would be promised to me to be better n never hurt again im not sure if i want to even continue bc i no longer have energy left i just want to die

[toiivoton]

some months ago i had a fight with my sister, she told me i was playing the victim and that my mother who abused me my entire life have it much worse. even if it sounds crazy and or made up that made me get back horrible memories i had completely forget, they had leave my mind for a long time, i remembered many horrible things related to my family, i was convinced they were my saviors this whole time and didnt understand why i feel uneasy around them

not even now i know if everything i describe as "horrible memories" are even bad, im convinced im only an overly sensitive person or that im desperate for attention by making a big fuss of it, i dont know how are families so i think what happens to me is normal and everyone have experienced it just that as i say, im really sensitive and an attention seeker and i absolutely despise myself for it.

a while ago i had to go to ER for selfharm and after telling the psychiatrist how scared i was of my family they forced me to call them anyways telling me i needed help and that my family was going to help. i just have no reason to believe my own feelings or judgment on anything

im so physically ill i cant run away from them bc theres times i cant do regular things like going outside to buy food, i feel i owe them my life but i dont even want to live on first place

[toiivoton]

No puedo encontrar una razon para continuar viviendo

[toiivoton]

the impact of being forced to tell my family what happened is finally occouring. theyre mad at me for not getting better, theyre mad and they will be sad and its my fault its the end

[toiivoton]

a while ago i had to go to emergencies for self harm, i told the ER therapist i was like that because i was scared of my family and still, i was forced to call a family member at the end, or they would keep me there for at least 4 days wich would lead to my family finding out so both resuslts were the same. i have been asking to my family for help with a call to the terapist since 6 months ago, according to my memories. The last time i fell to the floor crying and i begged for help to my sister, wich only leaded to getting told that my mother who has tormented me all my life have it much worse, she said "believe me i ensure you our mother has it much worse than you, you need to stop playing the victim" this was the start of a downhill back in jaunary but my point is that, in ER after i had to call a family member my sister came and told me she was worried of this happening and that if i was this bad i should have ask for help, she said she would have gladly help me and call for an appointment, she was very nice, but because im aware i lose memories and i know i tend to be really emotional i dont know if im overracting and i dont know if i did really asked for help before, she said she would have helped me, she said so so maybe i never asked for help on first place, now im afraid im just imagining everything bc i want someone to blame or have gone completely insane or im really just playing the victim after all, now i dont even know if she even said that on first place, im probably not even making sense

when i asked the therapist if they couldnt just let me go she said it was the protocol in these cases, that i needed help and that my family would help me, even after everything i told her. no matter what i do or where i go no one has taken serious or believe a word of what i say, i was already that bad exactly bc of doubting my persception on things, and after that i have no reason to believe my own feelings or judgment on nothing anymore

i feel so unable and like a stupid little kid that cant do anything by themselves

im so mortified im so scared i dont know why i had to be born if i was going to have to face all this, im in a permanent state of distress and disasociation because i cant deal with reality, i cant believe this is happening to me, ever since last year when i move to a better place everything has been worse, the more my life progress for the good and becomes better the worse i am, i dont know what is wrong with me. i just keep losing time instead of making friends and create fun times, im ruinning my own life, im pushing everyone away i cant deal with this, i have lose so much time and im so damaged i feel the only possible way out is being born again bc im already a lost case

im really sorry if this so weird, i know i probably sound crazy, and isnt like you can know the answer to this and just with this little information,

[toiivoton]

i literally fell in the floor crying and i begged for help, i always end up like this around her, and she told me i was playing the victim and my mother (who has traumatized me my entire life) had it much worse.

i needed help with a call to the doctor to get a therapy appointment i could swear i begged for at least 5 months before that, but then when the therapist from emergency room forced me calling a familiar, even after

some weeks ago i went to emergencies for self harm but then they force me to call a family member otherwise they would keep me there for at least 4 days.. wich would end up on my family finding out anyways. even after i told the ER therapist that i was like that on first place because of my family she didnt really cared about what happen to me and forced me to tell my family, she said my family would help me, even after everything i told her. no matter what i do or where i go no one ever believes a word of what i say, i have no reason to believe my own feelings or judgment on things

i can only believe i have really lost my sanity or im so desperated for attention im playing the victim

but i dont know how to stop playing the victim if its a game if im acting everything i should be able to stop it and everything should be good

almost a week ago i had made my mind and i went to end everything, but in the way i came across someone i know and i was so numb i couldnt tell them to go away, and i didnt got the chance to continue alone that night, i dont know if i should be grateful or just feel despair i didnt do it once again

[sa-dnesss]

“people like me don’t get happy endings”

—

[wishing-for-deathx]

Ever trigger yourself with some other painful situation or chapter in your life because you can’t deal with the one happening right now

[suicideisthesolution]

I'm slowly bleeding to death from open wounds that have never healed.

-V. J.