I grow up locked in a room most of time w my sister, she was and has been the person i have interacted the most my entire life, my life was that room and her so she was my entire world. my mom never acknowledged my existence unless it was to casually insult me or scream to me to insane levels when she was high (she did talked w my sister for some reason) and my father who only visited me to torment me and hit me, i would literally run trying to escape for then be catched and hit again n again and my mother would watch and laugh
My mother loved making jokes abt it and my sis get mad when i didnt stand up for myself against him, but i was so small and my dad was so big i dont know how i could have i just felt so humiliated and pathetic and weak, just a total worthless failure, i think when i see violent parents in movies or media they tend to be violent against all the family but i was the only one he ever hit, i feel there was something specific with me that it was so defectuous i made everyone upset and angry and sad, i wish i had never be born so everyone would have been happier people
At some point my sis went to live to panama w our grandman and i was put back in the same room with now no human interaction since my sis was gone this time, this made me miss her n feel she was my one and only savior back then.
until today im not sure for how long was i in that room bc there wasnt sun light it was so horrible i lost sense of time it could have been a week or 6 months i have no idea. I developed insomnia and also forgot how my voice sounded like and missed the sensation you get on your throat when you make a sound, so i would talk to myself at times, otherwise i felt i would end up forgetting how to talk. i had a tv and 3 cds and i cant stop thinking about them bc im so grateful for it, i could watch them on replay forever and have something to do and have company. i feel after this any possibility of social skills were now completely taken from me or thats what i love believeing bc i love blaming on
everything for my defects
Later when i was 11 my sis came back n started getting bad and really sad but it got so bad she started threatening about killing herself. If i didnt do everything she wanted
I once tried writting how i was feeling and that i was feeling bad n she found my post hand she was so digusted, she told me no one does that and that it was cringe n that i should delete it, my best friend also got annoyed at me later for being scared all the time and writting so much nonsense, i have had so little amount of friends on my life and almost if not all have leave me for this.
if i looked sad she would get mad if i didnt do everthing she say it will be so bad much worse for me, shed got so upset and would later have freak outs and talk about killing herself
if i dont do what she says she will kill herself and it will be my fault, i had to clean everything for her do all her cleaning part, wash her clothes cook n bring her food, give her all my belongings agree to everything she says, later on life when i started working i must give her all my payments, when she screams or freaks out at me and by no means im allowed to say anything back if i do it will be the end it will be much worse.. on school i cried literally everyday in front of everyone bc i just wanted to die and i didnt wanted to go back home but at the same time i was losing it bc if i wasnt there w her she would kill herself and it woul be my fault, but then bc of crying sm and being so weird i got always got bullied on school
It was like this for the next 4 years then it became less horrible and now isnt so bad shes better and im glad now but i cant help but wonder if its also bc became better at not replying back and behaving, still she’s genuinely so good to me and we can laugh togheter but im so terrified of her
But i i dont know how to be away if i say i want to live alone she will be so sad and ill be questioned, and even so im so psychically n mentally ill. I often go blind, i was in bed sick for 2 years and my medication is already so expensive, i dont feel i can live by myself i dont know how to live without her im an absolutely lost cause a
nd i feel its too late for me and i cant be fixed n i feel even if everything would be promised to me to be better n never hurt again im not sure if i want to even continue bc i no longer have energy left i just want to die