Hiya, Doe here, back again. have you looked into genderfluid people's experiences? because if you were happy as one thing for a while, and happy as another thing for another while, it just sounds a lot like genderlfuid, and genderfluid people's genders can change over years + the questioning of which gender they "really are" because in the moment they dont feel like any gender other than the one they feel as, seems to be a common experience.
Other than that, im here to offer my experience as a multigender person a little bit more, but to be honest, i think the issue you're having is not just gender confusion. you dont seem to allow yourself to be whatever you want to be, like, all of the self criticism over how you feel and estabilishing what you are based on it even if you have clearly documented lots of different feelings through this blog alone. the whole fear over being/not being trans. i think that if you want to live without stressing yourself this much, you might wanna look into how you treat yourself on a daily basis on everything, not just gender stuff. and im quite sure that if that improves, you'll also feel more free to explore your gender with less fear.
im here to say, be confusing. call yourself a trans boy when you feel like a cis girl. be tranfem and transmasc at the same time, call yourself one thing one day and another the next, use whatever pronouns you wish regardless of gender. words are just words. they dont have to match how you feel unless you want them to. a girl can feel like a girl and call herself a boy. why not? you can use he/him pronouns and be a girl, many people do it after all, so why cant you also call yourself a boy? "oh but it's lying" no it's not. it's queer and maybe weird to others but it's whatever you want it to be. it's not faking or pretending. it's not a lie if you're a girl who likes to call himself a boy. it's just how you want to be.
"i need to estabilish how i truly feel beyond all the confusion" sometimes feeling is less important than wanting. i wanted to be a girl and to not be a girl at the same time. bam, that's what i am. is it what i *truly* feel like? well no one can know myself better than me and that kind of "feeling" can so fuzzy and confusing as to may be even straight up nonexistent as to make it impossible for you to know. but that's not the important part. there isnt a secret complete you waiting for you to put together all the right words and labels and unlock its existance. labels and words arent a passcode, the one true combination will allow you to be happy and content with yourself for all existance and finally you will never feel like you're pretending or faking and will never doubt yourself ever again.
if that is your mindset, if you think you can find the perfect label to fix all your feelings, then your gender isnt the problem, it's this mindset. everyone doubts who they are, cis people, trans people, non binary people, even after they call themselves a guy or a girl or non binary for fifty years they can still doubt who they are. they can medically transition and still feel like they're faking it, they can be happy with themselves every day but one that makes all of their perception of themselves be doubted again.
labels change meanings over time too, and even from person to person. some people call themselves transfem talking about presentation, other refer to gender identity. there are transfem girls who were cis girls their whole lives and transmasc boys who were cis boys. your gender and how you call yourself isnt just this "true unchangable feeling hidden in your soul from when you were born", sometimes it's a combination of experiences and realisations and changes and just what makes you happy.
maybe you dont know what makes you happy yet. that's okay. but happiness should be the goal. not perfection. and sure as hell not self torture, because if happiness is not the goal, then im afraid that's all that's left.
for me, im multigender. that means whatever i want it to mean. im a girl and a boy and neither and both and a third thing and a combination of everything. am i all of this all at once or does it change? hell if i know. am i actually just a cis girl trying to be special? am i not happy enough as a cis girl? couldnt i just live my life as not trans? lots of questions, and they all miss the point. gender is made up, trans and cis are made up, the point of gender isnt to dictate what you truly are and categorise you as such. it's to do whatever you want forever.
im a girl and also not a girl and a boy and also not a boy and a boy in a girl way and a girl in a boy way and a third thing that is neither, and a third thing that is a little like a boy and a little like a girl, and a third thing that is a boygirl. why? is it because ive found the true feeling within my soul and these are all the perfect words that match it exactly? no. bc that feeling doesnt exist. my description of my gender is nothing more than what i want it to be. im not lying because there's no "real" truth to conceal. and after all of this, im still gonna get doubts. im still gonna feel like im pretending. im still gonna think "but what if im trying to be special?". and none of that takes away the fact that i am whatever i want to be.
im going here by Doe. Is that a lie? that my name is Doe? not really, because that implies there is one true name. Is my birthname the one true name? why would it be? it's just a name others have used for me a whole lot. does it make it more true or more real than Doe? and I dont even go by Doe with trans friends. I go by another name that is not my birthname. Is that name a lie? and before that name, I had yet another name that was derived from my birthname that people online knew me as. is *that* one a lie? the answer is none of them are lies. they're just names. there isnt a combination of letters carved inside my heart that is the true name w everything else being a lie.
i hope that explains what i tried to get across about gender. this is a long ramble so feel free to ask for clarification or reply w a long ramble of your own.
this is so incredibly real thank you so much, like i genuinely feel like a weight’s been lifted off my chest a lil. that third paragraph especially just… made me feel so much better. thank you
i’ve honestly been self reflecting and i’m like. yeah i think you’re right. like. i feel like a girl but also i definitely feel like a boy, not all the time at the same level but like that inner feeling of boy definitely is there. at the same time sometimes. and like !! yk what i CAN be weird and confusing like. i like girls in a queer way mostly and boys in a queer way and that’s. okay. i have looked into genderfluid and i’m. not sure if it’s the label i wanna use but i do see it. yeah. i dunno i just don’t know if it feels right, even if it kinda fits. i might just call myself whatever i feel at the moment and go with that. idk where im gonna go from here but for now im just gonna keep doing what makes me feel comfortable
yeah i do need to work on how strict i am with myself, i’m also gonna be going to a psychologist or smth for audhd diagnosis and discussing this stuff (also ive been told i should PROBABLY ask abt ocd too since.. definitely a possibility so. yeah) so im probably gonna look into therapy too to get better at dealing with stuff
thank you so much for this, it feels a lot better to know i’m definitely not alone in feeling weird and confusing and that it’s. okay to feel like an imposter as long as im doing what makes me most comfortable? i guess? yeagh thank you
