Alright! Welcome to the book, so glad you could make it! Tonight's show is entitled The Tested Love of Lorena and Bartholomew, or something less ridiculous. I'm sure we'll figure it out in the second draft. So! Without any further ado, let's get this show on the road!
The sun shines on a quaint little hamlet. See the thatched roofs and the ox-drawn cart? Adorable.
We zoom in on the little town, closer and closer. Focus on a simple wooden barn, down through a hole in the ceiling and onto a young, bare-footed man. He gazes up at the lazily moving clouds through the slits in the ceiling. This is Bartholomew, one of the titular characters of this piece and I assure a remarkable performer.
"Ay me! How cruel are the gods to torment me thus! For what sin am I facing such fierce vengeance? My truest love, betrothed against her will, and in mere hours she will be wed to that barbarous dog, Earl Rochester!"
I'm sorry, that was… just awful. Alright, alright, don't stop reading yet! Let me think for a sec., we can fix this.
The sun begins to set on the castle of Earl Worcestershire, an invincible fortress of solid stone surrounded by a moat. Completely inaccessible except by taking the heavily guarded drawbridge across.
We zoom down to a lone figure crossing the drawbridge and approaching the guards; a young, armor-clad man, with a sword and the kind of walk that means business. This is Bartholomew, you remember him.
The guards rush out to meet him, but he makes short work of them. He thanks the gods for his lady love and his strong right arm.
I'm pretty sure I read that book already. Don't close the book! Come on, buddy, have a little faith will ya? We're gonna make this work, alright? Maybe we should change the focus a bit. Let's take it from the top!
The sun shines on a castle of stone and pretension. Surrounded by a moat to overcompensate. This is the castle of Earl Rottweiler.
Interior of the castle. Looking wistfully out the window is a pretty, young woman wearing a pretty, pink dress. This is Lorena, a titular character, Bartholomew's ‘truest love,' and a remarkable actress.
Okay. Let's try this again. Earl Rockefeller's castle, interior. Lorena leans against a wall, wearing a red dress. She calls for help. Okay? Okay.
The door opens and a guard enters. Lorena hits him on the back of the head, knocking him out, and takes his sword. Yeah! Get ‘em! She ties back her long, dark hair, gives the sword a practice swing and heads out into the hall. Look out, more guards! Oh… Looks like they're no match for the great Lorena! The finest sword-
Oh, that's gross. It seems she isn't really okay with the whole ‘forced betrothal' thing. Look, I know that I'm supposed to tell you what's going on, but trust me, some things just aren't meant to be seen. Here's what you need to know: Swords are dangerous. Lorena is a master with a sword. Lorena is very dangerous, and she is pissed. Violently so. The earl's once richly decorated halls are now a nightmare that I will never be able to forget.
Lorena runs through the castle, cutting down anyone even close to being in her way. Out the front doors and there's young Barty. Walking slowly across the drawbridge in armor too heavy for him, and holding a sword he can barely keep from dragging on the ground. Most warriors, and even many regular folks, would have laughed in his face, maybe even knocked him over on his back. Watch him turtle a little bit. But love is a funny thing. Covered in gore from her single-handed escape and massacre of the earl's guards, Lorena just smiled, and all the rage in her heart melted away.
Before she can speak, she hears footsteps behind her and the sound of crossbow bolts locking in place. She rushes forward, knocks Bartholomew to the ground, and tries to deflect the incoming bolts with her sword, but one slips past and into her stomach.
There is Earl Rockefeller, flanked by four crossbowmen. He smiles at Lorena, "What's wrong, baby, cold feet?"
What was that? That wasn't cool. Look, Earl, your betrothed just tried to run away on your wedding day, just before the wedding, killing dozens of your guards in the process, completely destroying your house, by the way. Trust me, you'll never get the place clean again, and you come out with a stupid line? Put some emotion into it! Really feel it! Alright, where were we?
There is Earl Rhododendron flanked by four crossbowmen. He looks at his bride to be and says, "Ay me! H-"`
You're messing with me, right? You know what doesn't matter. The title doesn't mention an Earl or a villain of any kind. So you're cut! You're finished! You'll never work in this book again! Not while I'm writing it JACK!!
Does anyone have a problem with the way that just went down? No? Good. Let's see here, shouldn't be too difficult to replace that guy. Ah, yes, perfect. Let me just back up a bit.
Lorena just smiled, and all the rage in her heart melted away. Before she could say anything, she heard the sound of crumbling stone and the unfurling of great wings. She ran forward to put herself in front of her love and turned to face her betrothed. Earl Rockback, a giant fire-breathing dragon.
That's right, the king was crazy enough to make this literal monster an earl. AND it wants to get married. Which I think is admirable, I mean love has tamed many a fire breathing dragon. I don't agree with forcing said love onto someone who isn't into it, however. That's not okay.
So here we are, the moment we all wanted to see, as soon as I said the word ‘dragon' 71 words ago. The showdown. In this corner we have Lorena, a fierce warrior, master swordswoman, and reunited with his true love; who is NONE of those things, except the reunited with true love part. And 50 or 60 feet above this corner is Earl Rockback, a ferocious, fearsome, fire-breathing dragon who is just gonna destroy all of that. No question.
Fire erupts from Rockback's maw, but Lorena throws Bartholomew and herself off the bridge and into the moat. That bridge is incinerated! Lorena resurfaces and sees the Earl circling his castle as ash and bits of flaming wood rain down on her. Bartholomew is still at the bottom of the moat, drowning. Man, he's useless.
To be fair, he's trying not to drown, but that armor is just too heavy! Fortunately, Lorena sees this and hurries down to save him. She pulls him to the surface and the edge of the moat. He's unconscious and the Earl is on a full-blown rampage! The dragon flies behind the castle and she quickly pushes him onto the ground. To her surprise she is helped by a woman from the village. By the time they both are out on dry land the earl is tearing towards them. He opens his jaw, another blast of flame in his lungs, but he freezes as he hears,
"What are ye doin!? People live here, ye can't just burn everything down! You’re the Earl fer cryin' out loud!" It's the woman who helped the lovers out of the water, her red hair flowing in the breeze. When the Earl's red eyes met hers, his heart grew th-
What are you doing here!? Give me that! You got a lot of nerve, you know that? Very well. It seems our old friend the Earl is friends with my publisher who is demanding he gets put back into the story. So, my dear friend, let me show you how to compromise.
Lorena pulls Bartholomew onto dry land and lifts herself out of the water in time to see Earl Rumplestiltskin soaring overhead and, for reasons no one can explain, turns into a human and falls sixty feet onto a cart of hay, which is not even close to soft enough to cushion a fall from that height.
A woman with red hair hurries over to help him. She drags him out of the cart, which isn't a good idea. You shouldn't move someone with a back injury unless it's an emergency. You also should pay close attention to your surroundings when you go from dragon to human, so overall this is the Earl's fault.
I'm glad he'll never walk again, but love is a funny thing. Despite his body being shattered and weaker than ever, when he looked into that woman's eyes, his heart seemed stronger than ever. At dawn, one week later, there was a double wedding. Which is more than a little tacky, in my opinion, but you know how budgets are. One moment you have all the money you need, then you hire a dragon and you're stuck with a tacky double-wedding.
And they all lived happily ever after. The great hero, Lorena and her doting husband Bartholomew settled down in a cottage by the sea. Earl Rumplestiltskin (who lived decidedly less happily ever after) married the redheaded mystery woman, named Vidalia. She was more than happy to take care of her paralyzed husband and living in a castle. She wished she had a nicer wedding, but them's the brakes.
And so the sun sets on a quaint little hamlet with thatched roofs and ox-drawn carts set in the shadow of a castle that may or may not have been slightly used by a dragon.
The camera zooms out farther and farther until the hamlet is swallowed up by the surrounding forest.
Oh boy. We're all gonna get fired. Oh! Wait, you can save my job. Look, there'll be a sequel! Eh? How does that sound? It's going to be incredibly exciting, filled with action and the forces of good overcoming evil with true love's kiss! It's going to be epic, and the special effects will blow you away! I guarantee it!!
So, if you want to see that, and save our jobs, you just gotta buy several copies of this book and tell your friends about it. Make them buy more copies than you did.
