Eating Disorder Thoughts

Just where I vent about my day, life, and eating disorders. diagnosed with Anorexia.

[toothpickthin]

I think the most motivating thing was 2 years ago when a guy tried insulting me by saying I look anorexic. Wish I could go back to people being worried about me losing weight and being fucking skinny. I hate recovery its stupid and doesnt work. i hate this i hate this

[toothpickthin]

it feels like i am constantly in pain, physically or mentally.

[toothpickthin]

Alone With Ana

I’m alone in a crowded room,

so i seek comfort in ana.

She is always there for me

Waiting so i won’t be alone

She comforts me with words of starvation and skinny

She will always be here

[toothpickthin]

Cloud

i’m crying over calories. i’m crying over my stomach that sticks out. i’m crying over my thighs that squish and jiggle. I’m like a cloud. i’m crying over regretting every single bite. i’m crying over having no control. I fill up with water, tears. i’m crying over the amount of food I have to eat. i’m crying over the feeling of being fat. Until it’s too much and it dumps out. Tears over my body. Tears over not being good enough. Tears because I know I won’t feel okay I’m a cloud. Constantly filling up with tears. Before they dump out.

[toothpickthin]

it’s what my parents want.

so now i have to force myself to eat. to eat past my limits to put a smile on my face and pretend it’s okay. but it’s not. i’m not okay. i’m struggling. everything seems so much harder. i cry myself to sleep at night because of how gross i feel. i punch my stomach just to try and get rid of the full feeling becuase i can’t throw up anymore. i’m losing it. i am done. i’m done just sitting by and forcing myself to eat becuase i don’t want to be a burden. i’m done. i’m not going to recover. i’m a disappointment i know. but i feel like a bigger failure when i eat.

[toothpickthin]

Shadow

“The cup of soup is lower calorie than the burger you crave”

My shadow whispers

“Your friend thinks your fat for eating that much”

“Wow gained 1 lb. that is disgusting”

“We just need to restrict”

She says soothingly.

“If you hadn’t fucking binged we wouldn’t have to purge.”

She yells.

“Look at how huge your thighs are. And don’t get me started on your fat fat stomach”

“We can’t handle feeling full. Get rid of the feeling”

She demands.

“You’re hopeless. No one will care until you are skinny”

She confirms.

“Everyone judges you when you eat.”

“No food or water until you’re going to pass out”

She decided.

“You’re disgusting.”

She ridicules.

“You need to work out and stop being so lazy and fat.”

“Think of how pretty we will be once we are skin and bones.”

She smiles.

“Why would you eat when we didn’t need to.”

She demanded.

“You need to get worse.”

“You can’t even be good at anorexia”

“You. are. a. FAILURE.”

“I HATE US ME YOU ME ITS ME US WE ARE ANOREXIA WE ARE HOPELESS I AM FAT WE NEED TO GET WORSE.”

[chilicheddar]

You know what sucks

Having an eating disorder and failing at having said disorder. Having the same cycle every few weeks. Not losing weight, but still obsessing over eating less and constantly counting calories. Losing a little bit of weight, then realising you can’t do this for the rest of your life because you feel like absolute shit, mentally and physically, and you realise you have a healthy weight. Then deciding to pig out and hate yourself for it. Then eating normal again. Aaaand a few weeks later you start over..

You will never meet your goal, but you can’t let it go. Everyday is a disappointment. Everyday you feel like a failure. Stuck. Endlessly.

[greenteaplzzz-deactivated202304]

THIS

[toothpickthin]

i can’t do it. it’s endless.

[toothpickthin]

i just want to go back to old ways. fall back into the comfort of my eating disorder. to be safe in that space where even if i was doing shit mentally i could control the food. i could fast. i could restrict. i could make myself fucking throw up. but it’s all gone now. and for what? to recover from something that isn’t even bad enough. i just want to go back to my ways. the comfort i seek. the way i would feel is what i crave. the way i wouldn’t be bloated every single night becuase my parents wouldn’t force me to eat. the way i could force myself to throw up without my sister banging on the door telling me to stop. the way i could restrict all day. say no to food. i crave the empty feeling. i crave it so much. i miss it. i need it. i want it. i need it. i’m done. i’m so fucking done. i give up.

[toothpickthin]

i just want someone to care.

[toothpickthin]

my mom took my scale. i can’t handle not knowing. this is terrible. i need to know my weight.

[toothpickthin]

wow. so halloween really just made me feel terrible. now there’s so much chocolate and sweets and i’ve eaten too much today.

[toothpickthin]

So. last night i got to skip dinner cause i told my parents i had dinner at my friends house (we didn’t) but then i made cookies at my house for my dad but i’m guessing total cals could only be 900-1000 becuase it was 590 before cookies and i had 2 cookies and some cookie dough. feeling great after yesterday. also so close to a lw which is amazing.

[anass0friend]

You can't stay safe whilst doing this crap. Personally, for me it's just about fucking myself up, getting the most unhealthy I can get. It is about so much more than just getting thinner to me. Be honest with yourself. If I tell you to stop, will you? If I don't tell you how I starved myself, won't you do it yourself? If I tell you that you can destroy your health with this, will you start eating properly? I bet you don't even know what a proper meal is anymore, because this is an addiction. It is self harm. It is a reason to stay. A reason to keep on living. It is not the right thing to do, but so is alcoholism, cigarettes, too much junk food, too much exercise and basically everything that is done too excessively. It doesn't matter what you do, but as long as you feel like you don't have anybody to hug you, just know that you can always drop your worries in my private messages and at some point I will respond to you. I won't tell you to stop doing what you're doing, because that's not how it works. It's because you know that this is not good for you, that you keep doing it. Everybody has his own reasons and everybody has some things in common. It may not be a lot but please do know that if you need to vent something out, I will always have an open ear for you. I'll try to help you out as best as I possibly can. <3

[toothpickthin]

i’m at a friends house and we had mr noodles (190 calories) then we had a granola bar??? (100 calories) and we had some fish crackers (idk exactly but it’s say around 150) i hate myself and feel so full.

[toothpickthin]

{TW ANA} Dr appointment

Today I had a pediatrician(since i’m under 18) appointment. He was kind but didn’t really understand how long it has been going on for but anyways. They took my blood pressure and heart rate weight and height, and usual stuff when going in for anorexia and bulimia. At the end he said that since I’m not ‘dangerously low” meaning bmi and weight, it’s not concerning and that I’ll come back in a month to have another check up. and i just felt so disgusted in myself that I wasn’t even bad enough yet. I feel really motivated to lose weight before then because i won’t feel valid or bad enough until i’m put inpatient as terrible as that sounds. I’m going to count calories and bring myself down to less then 1000 a day so that by december 3 i will hopefully have at least lost 3kgs (hoping more but will settle for 3kgs). I hate myself so much and i need to lose the weight. It will be hard with my parents knowing about my anorexia and bulimia but I think i’ll be able to do it.  

[toothpickthin]

TW anorexia

i’ve been diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia for about 9 weeks now and for 6 my parents have loosely been making me eat more and I don’t know how to get away with not eating. I need some tips please. I can’t handle eating i need to escape.