I just wanted to write something but I wasn't really sure what to say. I feel so alone. Not alone in the physical sense. People are around. I see people every day. With 4 children, I'm never really alone. It's more a sense of disconnection from the world.
I have always felt this disconnect to varying degrees, but it seems to be much more so as I've gotten older, and much more so since my mother passed. I'm okay with it, I guess, as I've grown accustomed to it. And I don't know how to change it.
Some might call it self centeredness, or social apathy even, but it's not that I don't care about people. I care very much. Probably too much. It comes to a point that concern for others can be mentally, physically, and/or financially exhausting for me.
People will say I just need to set boundaries, and that's true, but the exhaustion comes with trying to feel a connection that I never do feel. Just anxious from trying.
And I don't know if it's me, or if it's irrecipriocity because I am such a hard person to get to know. I am aware of my severely lacking social skills, and that adds to my anxiety and frustration with trying to form and maintain relationships. I at times find myself physically unable to speak. No matter how much I want to say something, no words come. My therapists used to get so frustrated with me.
I don't even know why I'm writing this, other than I have no one I'd call close. There's plenty that I could just message for no reason, but no one that really knows me. I don't know what to say to people. Do people even care what I have to say?
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