Based off the zombie!Leon artwork by @quackysprouts
Notes: He is just so cute in it omg so wanted to write a little something 🙈 no real thoughts, just sweet rookie zombie Leon wanting to protect and be with reader🥲
Mentions of blood, slight gore but not really
Zombie! Leon x f!reader, but I don’t think any pronouns mentioned （╹◡╹）
part 2 part 3
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“Eugh, ew… ohmygod- ew ew ew,” you whisper screamed to yourself as you trudged through the sewers below Raccoon City, gagging when you saw some mysterious pile of, you didn’t even want to know what, sitting on a ledge. God couldn’t zombie outbreaks be, I don’t know, a little more hygienic than this shit? Literally?
You did everything in your power to keep your breathing to a minimum, refusing to let in an inhale through your nose, that would no doubt singe every single one of your nose hairs. You were positive that you were going to hurl.
“Jesus Christ..” you muttered, one step in front of the other, gun raised ready to point at any threat. “Leon? Leon!” You were whisper screaming, as if that would do anything at all. “Ugh,” you groaned in frustration. How did he run off so quickly?
You turned down another passage in the sewer, body staying tight against the wall, preparing for the worst. “Leon?? Where are you buddy?” You cried out in a hushed tone. “Leon?” Your voice silently bounced off the walls. Nothing. You wanted to stomp your foot but held back, skin crawling at the thought of the back splash of the water staining your clothes. Not that it mattered now. You huffed.
“Seriously? Fuck,” you cursed as you approached another dead end, your hand with the gun falling down to your side in a moment of weakness while the other raised to rest on your hip. You could fight off zombies, but for the life of you, could not figure out this supposedly endless maze of the underground sewers. Ugh, why did you have to be so directionally challenged? Had you been here before or was this a new dead end?
Staring forward, you glared at the grease, oil, and ew -what ever else that was- stained concrete wall, cursing and hurling insults at it as if it would magically open or disappear and lead the way. It didn’t. “Oh yeah, well fuck you too th-” your thoughts were quickly cut off, a massive shove from your back propelling you forward, face slamming into that damned concrete wall coated in who knows what. A yelp escaped you at the contact of your cheek smashing against it, hands coming up to brace the wall too late.
A choked noise broke out of your throat as you attempted to maneuver around, but whatever zombie was behind you, held the back of your neck with impressive force, hindering your ability to twist your neck. You heard its gargled groans, hot breath against your neck as it leaned in to begin its feast on you. You let out a muffled growl, struggling to get an elbow back fast enough and hard enough to create some distance. Your hand holding the gun was awkwardly shoved against the wall, preventing you from being able to point and shoot. “Get the fuck-.. off, ugh me!” You cried out, tone laced with mainly disgust, annoyance, and partially panic. This is how you were going to die? All because of this stupid, stupid fucking wall-
Your thoughts were interrupted when the pressure was relieved from your neck and back. Gasping, you turned around to see the zombie behind you get thrown back into the sewer water by the collar of its destroyed shirt, another zombie shoving its hands and fingers in its face. It shoved the zombie down, biting and ripping the contents of its neck out, deep dark blood seeping down its chin. The other creature let out a distressed screech as it died…yuck. I guess they can feel pain too, you thought as you raised an eyebrow, tucking your gun into its holster.
Chest heaving, you snapped out of it. “Leon!” You ran forward, water splashing up, but you could ignore it now for him. “Leon, it’s okay, it’s dead, enough!” You rushed, hands going to wrap around his arm to tug him up to you. He groaned, stumbling as he stood up, slightly unsteady on his feet. You pulled him into you, keeping him at an arms length to check for injuries.
Your hand brushed his hair back, cupping his cheek, careful to avoid the blood that dribbled down his chin. His eyes were a barely there light blue, white clouding and fogging his irises. He looked at you, or well in your direction. It never seemed as if he was looking directly at you, but more so, through you.
“Are you okay, baby? Did you get hurt?” You cooed, raising his arm to try and inspect his torso. You slowly turned him around. His head lolled to the side a bit, a murmur grumbling out of his lips. You let out an exhale upon seeing him injury free. “Thank God,” you sighed, looking up at him. He groaned, and slowly but steadily, raised his hand to your face, wiping something off your forehead. He stared at the residual that laid on his fingers. Your blood.
He wiped it against his vest, hand falling back down to rest against his side. A small smile formed on your face as you gazed at him, hands tightening around his forearms. He let you, his own gaze looking through you. You couldn’t help yourself, you studied his eyes, his face. You don’t know how or why, he didn’t eat you, or why he protected you. It didn’t make any sense, truly, but god were you thankful for it.
Your moment of admiring him ended quickly as you remembered what got you here in the first place. Your big eyes that were open wide staring at him, squinted in a dramatic anger. “Leon, baby,” you huffed out, a finger coming to point at him. He tilted his head. “You cannot. CanNOT- run off like that, okay?? You have to stay with me, okay?” You emphasized. He grunted, eyes dropping to the water that covered his ankles. “Or else, zombies hurt me, zombies hurt you, okay??”
You could hear a frustrated huff of air leave his nostrils. You almost laughed at his reaction at being scolded, but were certain he’d only get brattier. Such a cute brat. You knew he understood you. “Okay, now let me, ugh ew-so gross, wipe this blood off you…” you trailed off, grabbing a thick rag you had kept in your pocket for this purpose. Unfortunately, it was not his first time mauling other zombies, and you had learned very quickly that, when in doubt, he was going to try, even if you could shoot them. Did it make sense? Yes. Did you still try and prevent it? Absolutely.
He moved his head slowly, side to side, as he attempted to avoid the rag. “Leon..” you mumbled, “stay still.” He moved his head faster now, looking anywhere but at you. This was him trying to be, humorous. A small but playful scoff left your lips. “You think this is funny, huh?” You tried.
He didn’t look at you. You hummed and let out a long exaggerated sigh. “Welllll,” you turned around, beginning to slowly walk away, each step long and almost theatrical. “Since you have so much fun running away from me, I guess we should just split up right? You have fun, I’ll just- go my own way,” you melodramatically spoke over your shoulder, emphasizing and drawing out certain syllables. You sighed loud again, feigning sadness.
You heard him grumble, and it most definitely sounded confused. You heard the slow but loud splashes of water make their way towards you as you kept up your act, walking away. His hand grabbed your arm and he huffed. You couldn’t hide the smile on your face as he turned you back to face him, you were quite literally beaming. He was so easy to tease. Too easy, that you had to remind yourself not to take it too far.
He laced his fingers through yours, the action making your heart melt. You wanted to cry out at the sweetness, you couldn’t handle it. You didn’t know what he could and couldn’t still feel romantically. Was this just an instinctive gesture, did he just want to feel close to you? Either way, you happily accepted it.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry- I’m teasing, honey.” You lightly laughed. “Can I clean your face now?” You were most definitely pushing your luck, but knew he would let you. He stared at you, eye contact so intense you could feel the blush rise to your cheeks. Not through you this time, but at you. You could see his eyes switch from one to the other, putting you under surveillance this time. You said nothing, trying not to squirm under his intense gaze. He wanted to look at you, was purposefully trying to figure something out, learn you again.
With a slow movement, as if you were worried you were going to spook off a scared animal, you brought the rag to his face. He didn’t move. “Thank you for saving me,” you whispered, scared that speaking any louder would ruin the moment, interrupt whatever thoughts he was having or trying to form. You could practically see the gears turning in his head. He opened his mouth as if to say something, and then closed it. Your heart was beating out of your chest.
Without much thought, you leaned up, nose making contact with his, rubbing the tip of yours against it, giving him a nose kiss. You blushed, and quickly pulled away, eyes looking anywhere but his. You had acted without thinking, a small affectionate gesture just felt -right and he was just so cute you couldn’t help yourself. “S-sorry, let’s- let’s-” you stuttered out embarrassed, but were quickly cut off when Leon leaned down to you, rubbing his nose against yours to copy your gesture. Your jaw dropped in surprise, eyes widening.
He pulled away, tilting his head as he stared down at you. You swallowed, trying to gather your thoughts and pull yourself together. His hand was still laced with yours. Could he feel your palms start to sweat?
“Let’s keep moving, okay?” You breathed, tightening your fingers around his hand. He hummed, and you turned hand in hand, leading the way down the sewer tunnel, determined not to end up at another stupid dead end.
Too scared that he'll hurt you in his sleep, Leon refuses to ever stay the night. Until finally, he does.
re4!leon x f!reader
warnings: not really proofread idc, light angst not really, fluff and taking care of leon, mentions of nightmares, just sweet reader taking care of her baby
divider by @uzmacchiato
sweet dreams was not a phrase you spoke often to Leon anymore, the term more so representing a mockery and feat that was unattainable. Unfortunately.
Of course, at times the words would slip from your lips and you’d grimace, back pedaling to find something else to say or reluctantly sigh and apologize. It was never a big deal to him. A small smile usually forming and eyes crinkling softly in the corners, maybe a small huff of laughter and a muted, “you know I’ll try,” promised with never any success.
Admittedly it bothered you far more than it bothered him.
For the first few months of your relationship, you were confused, mind running through reasons as to why he would never stay to spend the night, why you could never stay the night. It didn’t quite make sense and your insecurities flooded your mind, but the contradictions of his actions only served to put them at ease. Which was frustrating and only made more questions arise. He’d see you early before sunrise if you wanted, he’d stay with you late into the early ams, spend all his free time with you, was intimate and worshipped you like you deserved it.
So why would he never stay? Why could you never stay?
You were constantly met with the same excuses. Work started too early, he didn’t want to disturb your beauty sleep. You needed it more than him (a lie). His tactical gear and work items were too much to bring to yours. He didn’t want to bring violence into your apartment, didn’t want you to be in an environment that would expose you anymore to his world. He slept better in his bed and moved too much, would only kick you in his sleep.
Every excuse had a perfect rebuttal, but as soon as he smiled softly and apologetically, placing kisses on your forehead and pushing the hair behind your ears, a gentle but firm no leaving his pink soft lips, you’d give up.
Not wanting to push, guilt filling you for trying to persuade him to do something he didn’t want. It made you feel icky, in a sense, heat burning your cheeks, and sheepishly, you’d apologize.
It took a few more months for him to confess his nightmares to you. Particularly after an intimate night far into the early hours of the morning when your legs were intertwined and your head rested on his chest, eyes closed listening to the rhythmic pounding of his heart beat. Fingers threaded through your hair, soft thumbs caressed your skin. And when he kissed your head, your sign that the night was over and he’d leave you once more, tears welled in your eyes.
You felt insolent, whiney, frustrated. Like a child who never got what they wanted and could only cry in response. It was stupid, but so simple.
Why wouldn’t he spend the night? How could he spend all this time with you, sacrifice sleep to stay late or come early, but never sleep and stay with you? The questions ate away at you, chipping away at your composure and while you tried to ignore it, tried swallowing the discomfort and shove it deep down, it only seemed to bother you more over time.
He could sense the shift in your behavior, of course he could. Trained to notice the smallest changes, the most discrete and hidden movements that could reveal any information. Of course he’d notice the curl of your hand, the barely audible hitch of your breath. His heart ached because he knew.
“Whats wrong?” He whispered into the crown of your head, hands not pausing their movements but only holding you tighter to his body.
The faintest of sniffles, the slight scratch of your nails against his skin.
“Is there.. is there somebody else?” The words were hesitant, embarrassed to be asked and you knew the answer was no. Could always feel the love he poured into you.
But you had to ask, had to confirm- because for the life of you, you couldn’t understand why he refused to stay the night.
His hands froze, his turn for his breath to hitch, and something along the lines of panic and frenzy rushed into him. What had he done for you to think this? Why would you think that?
He shifted at once, gently maneuvering your head in his calloused palms to make you face him, hands covering the expanse of your cheeks. Your eyes distracted and unfocused in the soft dim of the lamp glow, rimmed with tears as you looked anywhere but at him, scared, confused, beautiful. So beautiful and full of want, to be wanted by him, to be bare and vulnerable and seen.
“What? Somebody- somebody else? What?”
Your lips parted, but no words came out.
“Hey, cmon. look at me pretty.”
His eyebrows were furrowed, baby blue eyes squinted and burning into yours as if he could see the gears turning in your head. Utter confusion laced in his voice and it was so evident that he had been completely caught off guard.
Your cheeks burned, regretting the question and wishing you could’ve been content in what you had. But it had always sat with you, always lingered in the corner of your mind and thoughts and there was nothing more you wanted than to fall asleep and wake up in his arms, to see his sleepy grin and raspy morning voice and god you wanted it so bad.
“I’m sorry, I-i know that, I just..” the words died down in your throat, itching to pull away but his palms were firm in keeping you there, forcing you to keep eye contact and you hated how well he maintained it when all it did was make you squirm and blush.
“Talk to me baby,” he softly pleaded.
You sighed, briefly closing your eyes for a moment before sitting up, holding the sheets to your naked chest and placing a brief kiss to his plush lips, noticing the way he leaned forward to chase them when you pulled back. His hands fell from your face.
“Why won’t you ever sleep here? Or let me sleep at yours? You- you stay so late, o-or wait for me to fall asleep but you never stay. Please, Leon. At least- at least tell me why?”
You watched an emotion you couldn’t name flash in his eyes, a small but noticeable wince decorating his features like he knew it was coming. He felt horrible, his inability to be honest and instead keep you in the dark on his trauma backfired and he knew better. Knew that it was only a temporary solution that absolutely wasn't viable long term. And he should have known it would only hurt you, the exact thing he was trying to prevent.
How could someone so competent be so dense?
He looked uncomfortable as he looked away, a crack in his composure that was unusual and made guilt pool deep in your stomach. You were the cause, pushing him to reveal something he wasn’t ready to discuss with you yet. You wondered if he didn’t trust you, but you eliminated the thought as soon as it formed. You wouldn’t guilt trip him by asking.
Your fingers twitched, teeth digging into your bottom lip as you hesitantly lifted your hands to place them on his muscular chest.
“I’m-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. You’ll say when you’re ready,” you softly spoke, praying it was enough from him to forgive you and move on, not wanting the night to end like this.
He shook his head, clearing his throat.
“Please don’t apologize. I’m the one that should be sorry and I am, I’m so sorry, baby, making you think that. I,” he sighed, lifting one of your hands to press a kiss to your palm. “I’m so in love with you. And I’ve kept you in the dark for so long, and I’ve been nothing but unfair to you.”
You tilted your head, listening and furrowing your eyebrows as you waited for him to continue speaking.
It was difficult for him to make eye contact now, his fair skin blushing a soft pink as if he, Leon Kennedy, was embarrassed. Your gaze burned into him.
“My job. I,” he exhaled slowly, trying to find the right words to say. “There’s things. That keep me up at night. And when- if- I fall asleep, I get bad dreams. And sometimes when I wake up, I’m yelling. Sometimes I relive… things, and I’m scared,” he swallowed, the words thick and so unlike him. “Scared that I’ll hurt you in my sleep. That I’ll get violent.”
A silence hung in the air.
You knew what his job was like, or well, could imagine. Knew the needed to know information and surface level description, but also knew that only time could reveal his trauma to you. That a majority of his past for the time being would remain unknown and you understood, knew that it would take time for his walls to drop, knew that the people and ghosts that haunted him could only come out when he was ready.
Guilt and sadness chewed at you, your mouth slightly parted as you intently listened to his words, watched the way his jaw clenched and if he hadn’t spoken with such pain, he would have looked completely numb, no emotion to be revealed.
You wanted to cry, wanted to hold and baby him and pamper him. Wanted him to know just how much he meant to you and deserved nothing but the best. Why did the worst things have to happen to the best people? To someone like him?
“L…” you were speechless, unsure of what to say. Leon Kennedy, so fearful of his nightmares and what he might do to you that he refused to fully relax, to fully let himself be at ease with you, for you. Scared of himself.
You couldn’t even imagine what it was like, to constantly be on guard, to never be able to be at peace, not even with the one you loved.
“I should’ve told you from the start. I love you, and it hurts me that I made you think that I would ever be disloyal to you.” He finally turned to make eye contact with you once more. “You’re the only one I want.”
“I never should’ve pushed, Leon, I’m sorry- I was being selfish, a-and i just wanted-“
But he was already shaking his head, already sitting up to pull you in his lap, the skin on skin contact sending jolts of electricity throughout your body and an uncontrollable pool of warmth and desire that came whenever he had you like this.
“No, stop saying sorry. I promise you, there is nothing I want more than for us to sleep,” he smirked for a moment, usual humor poking through even at the worst of times, “well- actually sleep, you know since-“
Your palm playfully smacked his chest, looking away to hide the warmth that creeped up your face. He chuckled in amusement, nipping at the skin of your neck before continuing.
“But I can’t risk it, pretty. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever hurt you. I’d never forgive myself.”
He shifted you on his lap, your legs straddling his bare torso and muscular thighs, ignoring the hardness that was growing again. Fingers ran through his dirty blonde hair, tugging and massaging before one landed in the middle of his forehead.
“There are things in here, Leon kennedy, that I want to learn. And one day, when you’re ready, I’ll be here. Patient and waiting. But you can’t deny yourself this forever. I know you won’t hurt me. I can help you when you have nightmares, my love. Please let me be there for you,” you whispered, kissing his forehead, feeling his hands move to your waist to rub at the skin there.
“What did I do to deserve you?” the question directed at himself.
You scoffed, leaning down to kiss him, heart pounding and throbbing with the physical feeling of pure love pulsing through it. His arms moved to wrap around you, craning his neck to deepen the kiss, groaning when you pulled away.
“Soon, I’ll get you to stay. Sooner than you think,” you spoke determined and confident, gently tracing his lips and attempting to ignore the burn of his perfect eyes and the way they danced over your features, looking at you like you were his everything. And you believed it, because he was yours.
Unable to find the words of what you meant to him, of what you did to him and his heart, he tugged your face down to his, resuming the kiss, spare hand on your waist gripping you to grind against him.
It took months again for there to be a sign of progress. For Leon to stay later and later, but never the entire night. You’d find him nodding off, minutes of true rest before he would jerk up, insisting on leaving.
Each time, while you ached for him to stay, you always agreed. Wanted him to feel comfortable enough to stay on his own terms, to feel safe enough. You’d never force him.
Then one day, a particularly bad one, Leon had come to you after work, far too late, far too exhausted. Every sign of fatigue and burnout and pain visible on his face but denied on his tongue.
Usual bright blue eyes undeniably dulled and fizzed out, purple bags a deep bruise that frustrated you because how could someone still be so perfect and beautiful? And the worst of it all, a body full of aches and pains from the physical trauma he would continue to endure until he showed himself a sliver of mercy.
It pained you beyond belief.
“Baby,” you exhaled as soon as your eyes landed on his battered form, jaw dropping and hands reaching out so gently and softly to push the fallen hair away from his face to reveal bruises littered on his perfect skin.
He cockily grinned to hide the discomfort of it all. “Hi pretty girl.”
You pursed your lips, narrowed your eyes, hand finding his to tug him inside as apologies fell from you at the faintest wince of pain.
“When did you get back? Did you eat? Shower or bath?” you didn't have it in you to feel bad for bombarding him with questions, worry filling you and urging you to act fast.
He huffed a laugh, trailing behind you through your apartment, fingers still intertwined.
“Just now, no, and shower.”
“Just now?? But Leon.. it's after 1??”
He grimaced. “Late mission.”
You paused, turning to face him, to eye up and down his body and take note of marks that decorated his skin, the slight limp he attempted to hide. Your lips curled.
“Hey, I'm okay. You should see the other guy.”
You rolled your eyes, breaking your trance to lead him to your shower.
“C’mon, I'll help you and then, you're eating.”
“Im not hun-”
“Youre eating, Leon”
He bit back a grin, tilting his head as he stared at the back of yours. Gaze admiring you, watching your movements as you turned on the water, so determined and caring all he could do was wonder how he got so lucky and deserving.
It was horrifying. And suddenly he felt serious, not cocky or funny, but so fucking scared and vulnerable. His mind blurred and numbed as your soft hands gently pried his clothing off, untied his laces, only able to nod or shake his head at your questions as you checked in on him.
Couldn't respond or say anything to reassure you when you hissed at the mottled bruises on his torso. Only could think of how you were it for him. How you were so perfect and everything he never deserved.
And then you were helping him over the ledge into the shower, removing your own clothing to join him, nervousnessness and embarrassment nowhere to be found. Only the overwhelming feeling to take care and protect the one you loved. His heart hurt, watching the way your eyes trailed over him.
The two of you stood under the stream, hot water pelting the both of you and steam fogging the bathroom.
As always, your palms found his cheeks, thumbs brushing the deep purple under his blue eyes. “Are you okay, my love?” you whispered, pain and sadness contorted into your pretty features that should have never known the feeling.
He stared at you, wet hair plastered to his face and you brushed it to the side, understanding. You stood on your tippy toes, placing a feather light kiss to his forehead.
Love enveloped the both of you, a tug behind your navels like an invisible string that only wanted to pull you together. Love in every sense of the word.
It was silent and comfortable as you gently washed him, sorrys repeatedly falling from you every time he quietly groaned from a too sore spot. He sighed in relief when you finished, not objecting when your hands massaged shampoo and conditioner into his scalp, head falling forward in bliss. The motion so tender and compassionate, he wanted to whine when it was over.
“Dinner time Leon,” you softly broke the silence, voice barely above a whisper, shutting the water off and wrapping the fluffiest of towels around him before attending to yourself. You helped him dress in his clean spare clothes that lived at yours, ruffled his hair with a towel and giggled when it stuck up in the craziest directions, maneuvered him to sit comfortably in your bed.
“Okay one second, I'll be right back.”
And when you returned with a bowl of food, fully prepared to feed him each bite, only then did he break the silence, voice gravelly and low and laced with a warmth that could only ever be shown to you.
“I love you. So much. Thank you.”
You sat on the edge of the bed, cheeks warming as they always did when he looked at you like that. His full attention on you could be… alot.
“I love you so much. There's nothing you need to thank me for, you would do the same. Now open and stop stalling,” you playfully rolled your eyes, grinning and motioning towards the spoon.
He chuckled, “I can feed myself, yknow?”
“Oh shush, let me take care of you.”
Minutes passed by of slow easy conversation, hushed giggles shared in the space like a secret that could only be heard by the two of you. As usual, he insisted on not wanting to talk about it, instead listening to your day activities and lighthearted teasing. By the time he was done eating, exhaustion well settled into his bones with the undeniable pull to shut his eyes, he slammed them open, immediately shifting up to signal his departure.
You kept your protests to yourself, quickly wracking your brain for an excuse that might get him to stay just a moment longer, ultimately pleading for a few minutes to cuddle. Leon hesitated, knowing it would be difficult to stay awake, but he never stood a chance when it came to your puppy dog eyes that struck something so weak in his chest.
He sighed dramatically as if he was doing something so tortuous against his will before opening his arms wide as an invitation, despite being incredibly sore all over. He didn't care, just wanted you in his arms.
Instead of crawling forward, Leon furrowed his eyebrows as you settled close beside him, laying down and opening your arm in return, motioning towards your chest. He stared in confusion, an eyebrow quirked.
You huffed a laugh at his expression, genuinely confused. “Just let me hold you.”
His expression stayed the same. “You? Hold me?”
You deadpanned, amusement dropping as you lightly and gently tugged his uninjured shoulder towards you, hyperaware of the pain that shot through him with each shift. “Leon. I'm not laying on your ribs. Just come here, let me hold you. Please.”
He grumbled reluctantly, something about his dignity and what type of man he was to lay in his girlfriend's arms, but as soon as he repositioned, head nestled deep into your neck and a relief of pressure lifted off his wounds, every protest abandoned his mind, completely melting into your embrace.
The feeling was embarrassingly enough, almost orgasmic. The way your floral lotion scent flooded his senses, the warmth that enveloped him, and god, he swore he almost started purring when a hand began to run through his hair and the other tickled up and down his back.
He softly groaned, the movement so intimate and pleasurable as your cheek rested on top of his head, his eyes automatically fluttering shut, his mind and body pushed past a newfound limit he had forced again.
“Are you okay, my love?” you whispered so softly, so quietly as your fingers danced and lightly traced over him, coddling him to your chest as if he were something so fragile and deserving of your love and kindness. His throat burned, his own fingers finding purchase in your shirt.
“So okay,” he breathed, tickling the skin of your neck.
A kiss on his head, a gentle touch to his cheek, his bottom lip, the tip of his nose. This was heaven.
“I should go.” But the words were too quiet, merely a meaningless statement that held no weight and practically meant nothing. You hummed in reply, agreeing but knowing. Leon would not be leaving tonight.
He knew he didn't stand a chance with the persuasive lure to finally give in. His body was already there, a forced relaxation taking hold at the exhaustion he had endured as if his body was at last taking over, a faint tingling sensation crawling up every limb, his mind too numb to argue or think.
Sleep. He just wanted to sleep so badly.
Another kiss to his head, a scratch of your nails against his skull.
“Just…f’r t’night..” the words slurred.
You smiled, continuing your movements, holding him against you like someone's favorite stuffed animal.
“Sweet dreams, baby.” But he was already asleep, softly breathing and chest slowly rising up and down, hand still clutched into your shirt.
When he would wake, he’d find the two of you in the exact same position, shock and amazement coursing through him at the success of a sleep filled night that once seemed impossible.
The cure? You.
And he doesn't think he can go a night without you ever again.
Notes: had this in drafts for months and I've hated it but figured id still post. finally oops. badly proofread so probs lots of errors:/ around 6.8k words sorry
Warnings: reader and leon get a little freaky but it backfires! vomit, mentions of gore and death, concussion, panic and some hurt/comfort
divider by @/kodaswrld
Irritation and disappointment surged through your veins, desperately but failing horribly at trying to keep your anger beneath the surface. You felt like a balloon ready to pop.
If you were paying attention, you would’ve felt bad for brushing off Leon, ignoring the way he touched you—hands roaming over your arms, your fingers, the line of your back— helplessly trying to get you to return the gesture. The quiet grumbles and whines that fell from his lips went in one ear and out the other, too focused on the multitude of things happening in front of you.
You’d already rolled your eyes at Jack's expression when he saw how freely you let Leon touch you, a look that screamed of ‘you’re really letting him touch you like that?’ mixed with some sort of envy. You couldn’t find the energy to care anymore, lazily answering with a murmured, “body heat thing.”
The tension between you and Jack grew as the clock ticked. Whatever energy that had shifted, solely on his part, had been spurring him to make quick one off handed comments here and there. You just about had it with the way he talked about Leon, almost regretting your decision to pair up. Not having any idea why this random stranger felt so entitled to you, you rapidly shut down any weird advances he made, reinforced by Leon’s deep rumbling.
In addition to his snarky comments, the universe was showing just how much it truly loved you. Standing in the middle of the largest lab you’d ever seen, dead zombie guts splayed on the floor, chairs strewn and knocked over, Leon’s hands still obsessively touching you, and now Jack's grating voice in your ear, you wanted to scream. There was no cure.
Well, if there was- it wasn’t here. You’d managed to log onto the computer, the password conveniently being written on a sticky note that was stuck to the top frame. If it was right, the cure- or the basis for the cure- should’ve been in the small metal fridge. It wasn’t.
You shined the flashlight everywhere, eyes scanning through all the notes, searching the lab for any other documents, hints, ideas, throwing book after book at the ground when you found nothing. Your heart was pounding, ears ringing, jaw clenched. You felt like for the first time since everything, you were actually losing it.
“What’s your issue? It wouldn’t have fixed your dog,” Jack spat, almost as if he was amused watching you hastily search through documents and fail, while he stood there uselessly. Your eye twitched, a small sarcastic smile forming on your face.
You exhaled, carefully choosing the words you wanted to sourly spit back. “Do you think I’m fucking dumb, Jack?” At the aggressive edge of your tone, Leon’s hands finally stilled, settling on keeping one splayed on the curve of your waist. He wasn’t growling, but his head had turned directly towards Jack, white gaze pointedly staring. Observing. Waiting. Like if you decided to say the word, Leon wouldn’t hesitate. Like a good guard dog.
The faux pleasing tone came next. “I think you’d agree that a cure would be in your best interest too, right, Jack? Or do you want to live the rest of your life with zombies? I don’t think you’d have much time left, honestly, walking around with a fucking pipe,” you bitterly replied, unclenching your hands that had subconsciously formed into fists.
Jack scoffed, arms crossing over his chest before he smirked, ignoring Leon’s burning look. “What’s got you so stressed, baby? Puppy can’t please you?”
Leon’s fingers curled into your waist, but instead of wincing away, you grounded yourself in the feeling letting it anchor you. Focus on his touch, focus on his touch.
He didn’t growl, didn’t make a noise, just stared directly at Jack. Leon was always freezing cold to the touch. Now it felt like there was a heat radiating off of him, like a burning anger that was flaring up inside, hand hot on your skin. You could feel the pounding of your pulse throb in your head, the silence thick in the room as you let his words hang.
Jack’s smugness slowly drained from him, awkwardness replacing his prior bold composure as he became clearly uncomfortable by your lack of response. His fingers rhythmically tapped against his arm, eyes now looking around the room instead of just at you.
Usually you weren’t so rash, so petty, but the combination of a random man who clearly wanted something from you mixed with no fucking hope of a cure mixed with this entire zombie apocalypse had you at your wits end. Plus, the fact that the man you were in love with- or falling in love with— was now a loving zombie. Fuck. Everything felt hopeless.
You had been so kind, wanting the best for the three of you, wanting- no hoping- that Jack successfully found what he was looking for so you could feel some semblance of optimism. So that you could feel like maybe good things could come out of something horrible. You thought of Leon.
With a quiet but long breath, you ultimately chose to ignore Jack's attempt at riling you up, instead opting to turn yourself around in Leon’s arms, hand still planted firmly on your waist. Leon had never seen you like this, only having been exposed to your sweet, concerned behavior, but he could tell by the look on your face, the edge to your tone, that something was wrong.
And it was all because of Jack. That he knew.
Slithering your hands around Leon’s toned waist, you planted your chin on his chest looking directly up at him, eyes wide and lips jutted in the smallest of pouts.
Finally, Leon tore his gaze from Jack, white irises now focused solely on you. Your movement was bold, for you at least, but you tried to fight back the blush that warmed your face, tried to keep your behavior confident.
Jack's comment bothered you more than you revealed, baffled at the idea that Jack almost thought Leon was some sort of competition. There was never a competition, and there would never be one.
Leon, zombie or not, would win time and time again. He could’ve been an actual zombie that ripped away at you, and you still would’ve picked him over that.
But the fact still remained. Jack himself, had the audacity to believe he was in some sort of contest that he had made up in his own head, against Leon. You wanted to scoff at the thought.
Leon’s free hand raised to cup your cheek, fingers delicately dancing across your skin that had recently been decorated with scratches and dust. He looked at you like you were everything. Your hands rubbed at his back, feeling the hardness beneath his uniform.
He leaned down, gifting you a slight nose kiss that made your eyes automatically crinkle and lips curve upward, before moving on towards your neck. Truthfully you had been almost mortified the first time he licked you, blushing profusely like a school girl getting her first kiss, thinking of how you’d explain that to Jack if he saw. Now, you wanted him to see. Wanted to get it through his thick skull that there was no place for him here.
You felt prideful that Leon seemed to be able to read your mind, knew exactly what you meant. Or maybe if he didn’t, that on his own volition he too wanted to show Jack where his place was. You didn’t have to say or ask for anything, and it made your heart skip a beat. He was quiet, silent in his victory. Jack already knew where he stood and hated it.
At the first contact of his tongue against your neck, you couldn’t hold back the sigh that released from you. Your eyes fluttered shut letting Leon do as he pleased, hand still cupping your cheek as you leaned into his warmth. Unlike last time, which felt rushed and eager, Leon took his time, tongue gently lapping at your pulse.
Your breathing picked up, still quiet yet heavier, too focused on his breath hot on your neck. He wasn’t planting kisses, but you could feel his lips touch the spots he licked, tenderly mouthing along the side of your neck. He moved lower, trailing his tongue further, tonguing your flushed skin. The hand that cupped your cheek dropped as he switched hands, gently tugging at your hair to expose the untouched side of your neck.
Little pants escaped you, eyes glazed over and set on Leon. He leaned back in, but harsher this time. You could hear the wetness of his tongue, the saliva that dripped from his mouth as he made a mess, the vulgar noise sending heat to your face.
Your eyes snapped open remembering that there was an unwanted guest in the room. You hadn’t thought that the both of you would’ve gotten so… intense. Leon quietly whined as you gently pushed him back just enough so that you could turn around to face Jack again.
He stood, eyes wide and mouth open like a trout. Frozen in place, eyes locked in on the both of you like a car accident he couldn’t look away from. You didn’t tell Leon to stop when you felt his lips continue their work on your neck from behind, fingers finding their rightful place on your waist.
A small fake laugh escaped from your lips, eyes jokingly rolling and smile decorating your face as you did your best to put on a put together friendly voice. You gently shook your head. “Body heat thing, ammirite?”
It was comical in a sense how rattled Jack looked, absolutely blind sided from the act you just pulled. You had to bite your lip to keep yourself from laughing right in his face.
Leon pulled back, a string of saliva following and stretching from his slightly parted jaw to the side of your neck. He didn’t pay attention to Jack, eyes narrowed in on the little wet patches that decorated your skin. Jack remained silent, but the look on his face screamed everything.
“So, there’s no cure or anything I guess. I’m not sure what you’re planning but I think we’re ready to get out of here and split,” you spoke, breaking the silence first. It was funny how fast your anger seemed to disappear after the little stunt.
But clearly, it only heightened jacks. He stood, silent. Watching. Movements small but not unnoticed by you.
His grip on the pipe tightened and for a split second you thought he might swing. He knew you were out of bullets now. You tensed, trying to calculate just how fast you might be able to dodge him, trying to plan what you could do to take him down.
You quietly sighed in relief when you heard him huff in fake amusement, figuring he’d take the verbal way out. Leon wouldn’t let you get hurt, but there was no doubt that Jack would be able to get a handful of hits in, and you’d be damned if Leon was the only one to receive them.
A small ‘tch’ noise sounded from the man, and you could hear the heaviness of his breath growing louder and louder. Your intention was to make it clear that Jack didn’t even come as a second thought to you, motive fueled by what you thought was some twisted idea of ownership that he had developed for you in the span of your short time together. It still seemed beyond incomprehensible that a random stranger could feel angry at your display of affection, even if it was for the purpose of eliciting a reaction.
A reaction he had no reason to rightfully feel.
“You know,” and he scoffed your name like he was hurling an insult at you. “I saved your life. Your little zombie boyfriend was nowhere to be found when you had your little freak out in that morgue room back there. I could’ve stood there, watched them eat away at you- let you die.”
You slightly tilted your head, eyebrows furrowing as you tried to understand the point of what he was saying. Leon had wandered off, he hadn't led you into that room that you got yourself into and ditched you. There was no blame to hold over him.
“I think you’d find it wise to show me some respect. Next time I just might let you get bit- if your boyfriend doesn’t do it first.” He took a large step forward.
A low growl rumbled from right behind you, Leon’s fingers curling into you.
With your patience wearing thin all over again, your jaw slightly gaped open as you internally cursed at how dramatic the man was. A fucking zombie apocalypse and there’s drama about this? You rolled your eyes, trying to gather yourself before you lost it and said something stupid.
You’re out of bullets.
Leon’s possessive and defensive growls were background noise, your hand coming to rub at your forehead and pinch the bridge of your nose as you processed a response. This was all so absurd.
“Alright Jack, I think we’ve done enough together now. There’s no cure for anything here, so there’s no point for me to keep exploring this shit hole. Thanks for your help, good luck now,” you deadpanned, exhaling and prying Leon’s fingers from your waist to move on.
The lab was huge, but you were positive you’d torn through every shred of paper, any file you could get your hands on. The computer was a lost cause in and of itself. You needed to get the fuck out of here. There was no time for this petty bullshit and you’d already entertained it enough, already participated.
“Seriously?? You’re going to just walk off with him again? There’s no cure- just leave him!” Jack sneered, tone sharp and full of anger. He threw his free hand up, gesturing to Leon like he was some sort of freak show. Well.
“Okay Jack, we’re just gonna go now, alright?” You spoke slow and calmly now, voice almost sweet but entirely apprehensive. As each second passed his behavior grew more and more aggressive. This was not someone you wanted to argue with anymore.
Slowly you stepped back, light and gentle as if you didn’t want him to notice. You didn’t. Your hand closed around Leon’s taking him with you. He silently growled, but let you move him.
The man threw his head back and laughed, a big belly hearty noise that echoed off the labs walls and surrounded you. You froze, heart racing not from anger and frustration this time, but from a newfound fear. You thought zombies would be your biggest issue, but you weren’t sure if that was true anymore.
Your grip on Leon tightened, unsure of what to do as you frantically tried to think of how to get out of this. Jack was a coordinated living man who could react, who could gauge things, not a zombie that only wanted to eat your guts. He’d be harder to dodge, especially if he started swinging.
Leon stared at Jack, his feet planted in place right next to you. You didn’t know what he was thinking this time, mind too panicked on how you’d possibly get out of this. Neither of you could do much if you got smashed in the head.
You didn’t say anything, chest rising and falling, palms starting to become damp. You thought your hands were begging to shake. You waited for what felt like forever, for jack to show his cards first.
He rested a hand on his stomach, dramatically sighing as if he was recovering from a hard laugh with an old friend. “God, this is just perfect for you isn’t it? I fell for your trap right? Make me jealous, lead me on… and then you pull that stunt?”
You had to hide the look on your face, had to stop your jaw from hitting the floor. Your breath hitched, eyes widening and for once, you felt relieved that there was no electricity to reveal just how taken aback you were. This had to be some sort of sick joke. You didn’t dare move, silently begging Leon to do the same.
There was no movement, no shift of your hand, no squeeze in Leons. you didn’t dare move an inch, horrified that Jack would be set off. You were unable to wrap your mind around his words.
“Hm? Nothing to say? Because you know I’m right?” He pushed, taking another step forward, the pipe that hung in his hand begged for your attention but you didn’t dare risk moving your eyes from him.
The room was sizable, Jack needing to cross at least 20 feet before being in proximity of the both of you and still, he felt too close.
You didn’t blink, didn’t breathe, body frozen and eyes unwavering as you stared at him, words so caught up in your throat you couldn’t find it in you to respond. Maybe it was because you were too naive, too hopeful, but you hadn’t been prepared for Jack to become a threat.
“Jack,” you tried, voice breathless and unsteady. The air in the lab had grown too thick, too sticky almost, and the way it prickled at your skin made your stomach sick, beads of sweat forming at the nape of your neck and sides of your brow. You became hyper aware of the energy in the room, the faint buzzing of the static in the too still air, Jack's heavy breaths, Leon’s complete stillness that if you weren’t holding his hand, you wouldn’t have even known he was there.
He didn’t respond, muscles flickering in his jaw from where he was visibly clenching his molars, mouth set in an ugly snarl as if you’d truly done something so offensive and vile.
“Jack. We should go,” you spoke and it took everything in you to keep your words calm and firm, putting on a facade that maybe- if you ignored how crazy he was acting, he might relax and listen. A small huff of air left him as he kissed his teeth, an exaggerated smile growing on his face. He nodded his head to himself and your grip on Leon tightened, nails more likely than not digging into his calloused palms as you prepared to yank him back with you.
“Come here,” and your name rolled of his tongue low and gravelly, his eyes glued to yours. You would’ve scoffed if it weren’t for how dire the situation was, the thought of him thinking he had the ability to call you over towards him like a dog was extremely laughable. Just not now.
You stayed put, feet glued to the floor and hand still clutching Leon’s. He hadn’t moved either, didn’t even go as far as tilt his head at Jack or flex his fingers in yours. No growling, no grumbling, just silence.
With a long and loud sigh like he was being forced to do something against his will, something he didn’t want to do, he bolted.
“Jack, no!” You screamed, eyes wide and full of panic as you realized he was genuinely about to take everything way too far. You should’ve known better than to doubt a psycho.
In the blink of an eye, Jack was rapidly crossing the room, veins bulging in his neck and forehead as his hands that were latched around the metal pipe raised it high, clear with one intent.
Your heart pounded, brain not fully processing and hitting on all cylinders as you watched his movement, the anger on his face, the whiteness of his knuckles. Everything was moving too fast now, a complete 180 from the stillness that suffocated the air just a minute ago, but now it felt as if you could feel everything, every heightened emotion, every thought, every synapse that fired off in your brain, but as his pipe raised higher in the air, it felt like it was too late for you to act.
“Oomph!”
Your body flew to the side, grunting on impact as you hit the ground, or well, as you landed in a set of arms, right at the exact moment as a loud thwip of the air sounded from above you. Right where you had been standing.
Leon, who had thrown himself into you just as Jack took a swing, hit the floor with barely a grunt, taking the fall as his thick forearms wrapped tightly around your torso, a hand protectively cupping the back of your head.
As quick as Leon was there to shield you, he was just as quick to help you stand, gentle yet hurried as he silently urged you behind him, hands rapidly running over your cheeks and arms before he turned to face Jack.
Leon was silent, white irises unshakable as they stuck to Jack, an arm behind him to make sure you were actually behind him. Everything was moving too fast now. Your chest heaved. Leon stood tall, but guarded.
Jack snickered, almost pleased as if Leon reacted exactly as he was supposed to, but you could see the anger seep under his skin, frustration revealing itself whether he expected his movements or not. It wasn’t what he wanted.
You stayed put behind Leon.
“Dumb zombie,” he spat, and took his time to lift the pipe, thinking Leon would wait for the swing to react. As soon as he raised the pipe, Leon launched himself from where he stood, arm wrapping around jacks torso and the other hand going for his wrist that held the pipe.
Gasping you ran forward, unsure of what to do but not wanting to intervene and make matters worse or harder for Leon.
Jack wasn’t particularly tall or strong or good looking, just your plain and average joe, and even if he was, you didn’t think he would hold up much fight against Leon.
It was the strangest thing, honestly, the way Leon could be so lethargic, so easy to lead or pull and just overall a little puppy, but you had seen it before in him, seen it in other zombies.
The unexplainable drive and hunger that absolutely consumes and takes over them. How once they finally dig their hands into what they want, nothing can stop them. Pure power and strength.
And while the thought usually flustered you, you were finally seeing Leon's strength come into play against a human, the horrifying fact that sent a chill down your spine. You wouldn't stand a chance against Leon. Not in the slightest.
It was the way other zombies got when they were about to dig into their next meal, and it was the way Leon got when a threat revealed itself to you. He didn’t bare his teeth at Jack, didn’t growl. Just pinned him down as if it was a mere chore.
Jack let out several grunts as he struggled and squirmed beneath Leon, hands pushing at his chest and trying to get out from under him. Leon fought back almost coolly, like Jack had been his easiest opponent yet. One hand pinned his wrist that held the pipe, fingers digging into it so harshly that he dropped it with a loud clang. His other hand maneuvered to wrap around his neck.
He didn’t try to kill him. Yet. He waited for you to say the word.
“Tell him to get the fuck off me, you bitch!” Jack spat and you would’ve laughed at how pathetic he sounded, how red in the face he got from Leon’s increasingly tighter grip.
You sped forward, kicking the pipe away from his reach.
“Are you gonna be a good puppy Jack? Or does Leon need to rip your throat out to teach you a lesson?” You seethed, anger finally seeping into you.
“Fuck- fuck you!” He choked out and you reveled in the sight as he let out noises of panic as Leon began to lean in, mouth inching closer towards his neck. “Wait- wait, stop!”
Leon’s gaze fluttered to yours for just a moment to seek your approval, but you shook your head. Leon paused.
Gaze narrowing on the sight of him squirming and panicking, you forced yourself to exhale to slow the thrumming of your pulse and the pounding in your head, to try and still the moment and make a rational decision. You didn’t want to kill him, didn’t want to hurt anybody at all. All you wanted was to get out of this place, take Leon home with you and crawl under the covers and mourn what used to be, grieve the life you might’ve had with Leon if he was still human.
The feeling of sharp stinging prickled at your eyes and a burning sensation ran up and down your throat, adrenaline a fleeting impression as Leon held Jack down, forcing everyone to still while you processed what he had just done. You held back your tears, not because some stranger betrayed you, but because you were so beyond fed up with every single thing, so beyond defeated that there was no give in anything you tried to do, and the one chance at finding someone who might have, or could have, had the same goals as you, turned on you for not showing him any affection? Want? Lust?
Leons fingers curled into jacks flesh, a bruising and unrelenting grip that was meant to hurt, meant to dig and make him value that pain over the other choice of getting the contents of his neck mauled out. Leon waited patiently, white irises now flickering between Jacks and yours, but you could see the way they lingered on you, the first sign of anger he showed as he gave the smallest of snarls. He was almost calculative, observing the signs of panic and distress in your body like he knew exactly what you were thinking and feeling. You thought he might make the decision himself.
“You were trying to hurt me, Jack.” you hated the way your voice cracked at the end, hurt and realization tasting bitter on your tongue as you let reality sink into once more. A fucking zombie apocalypse and then this? He would’ve killed you had he hit you hard enough. Would he have made sure you were dead?
He sputtered babbling words and sentences that didn’t quite make sense, hissing as Leon’s fingers pressed harder and a small rumbling began, trying to find anything that would suffice as an excuse to justify hitting you with a metal pipe that would leave you begging for death if hit hard enough in the wrong spot.
“I won’t, I-I I’m sorry, I wouldn’t- just get him off, p-please!”
Clenching your jaw, you ran your tongue over the back of your teeth as you contemplated your decision. You knew you weren’t going to have Leon gut him, so it left only one option. You sighed reluctantly, nodding your head, unable to find the words to grant his satisfaction.
Leon looked disappointed, frustrated almost at letting such a threat walk free, and more importantly, free around you. The deep grumbling in his chest revealed his unhappiness in the choice, not that he tried to hide it.
Jack exhaled in relief, throwing his head back against the dirtied rotten floor, wincing and moving to rub at the spots where Leon had gripped, splotches of dark red already beginning to form.
Leon stood, more stable and steady than ever as he stared Jack down, predicting his next movements. Head tilted and eyes sharp, he only seemed to look more murderous and threatening, and god were you glad he was on your side.
With heavy breaths, Jack finally made the attempt to stand, shakily taking a few steps back from Leon and unintentionally closer towards you, sneakers squeaking.
But he didn’t look apologetic, just angry that his plan fell through.
His nose crinkled and his breaths picked up, each heavier than the last like he was forcing each huff of air through his nostrils to come out like a bull ready to charge. He stared at Leon just as fiercely, and without a word he spun, quickly catapulting himself directly at you.
Gasping, your eyes widened and you rapidly brought your arms up to shove him back, but the force was too strong, hitting you like a defensive lineman and you had the ball. The hit sent the both of you flying, and with no one to intercept your fall and take the hit, you slammed fast and hard on the tiled floor, pain shooting through your back, and brain rattling in your skull.
You groaned, vision swarming with double and inklings of black dancing in your sight as your hands twitched. Too slow, you were too slow to move, to process, to defend yourself.
You couldn’t even react other than the little pathetic movements of your jaw that opened and shut, not even reacting when the body above you was immediately thrown off and away with far more impact than you had been hit with.
You weren’t sure how long you laid there, seconds feeling like minutes feeling like hours, no concept of time as muted growls and yells blurred into background noise, vision unclear as you zoned out. Wetness pooled at the nape of your neck.
Focus, you’re fine, you’re okay.
But the dull ache that stemmed from the back of your head slowly began to wrap around your entire skull. There were choked noises, gurgled screams and the sound of flesh tearing, of flesh being forcibly ripped apart, clashing of teeth and bone and guttural seething. None of it registered.
A pit formed in your stomach, then the room spun, and you were turning, no, you were rolling your body over as fast as you could force it, painfully puking up your guts. Tears blurred your sight from the intensity, fingers attempting to find purchase in the broken tiles.
Then there were hands on you- but the confusion and panic and pain had all blurred into one. You were too unfocused on what it was, who it was. All you could think about was the thrumming of your own pulse pounding right behind your eyes. You hurled again, lack of food causing you to spit up whatever liquid your body could muster- ah fuck, and the granola bar Leon had found you.
Definitely concussed.
You groaned, slowly and unsteadily trying to force your body onto all fours.
Move move move. You’re not safe here, not safe.
But the hands again, shaky but more firm. They traced down your spine, fingers dancing lightly against your sides, small silent breaths and whimpers panting near you. The figure moved closer and around you to directly position itself in front of you, kneeling.
You lost the strength to keep your head up, a string of saliva connecting from your mouth to the puddle of your bile on the floor and you prayed your limbs didn’t give out so that you wouldn’t have to fall face first in your own vomit.
“F-fuck,” you mumbled, slightly slurred as your lips tingled, struggling to fully move and take shape. You blinked, then blinked again harder to try and rid all stars of your vision, to make the doubling of the entire room fade.
Warm wet hands found your cheeks, touch so light you weren’t sure if they were actually on you until your chin was being gently lifted up. A sigh of relief escaped you, pressure of having to support it yourself, not even, of having it dangle, being lifted off of you.
Leon. You’re Leon in all of his horrifying glory.
He was covered, drenched, in blood. It stuck in his hair, coated the bottom half of his face, his uniform, his hands. The sheer amount dripped from his chin, and if your eyes could focus, you would have noticed the tiny chunks that decorated him too. You lazily grinned, not at the sight of blood, but at him.
“L-Leon…” you were weakened beyond belief, an injury and struggle that couldn't just be walked off this time.
The position on all fours was unhelpful, an entire pain radiating throughout your entire back with each labored breath and suddenly the floor was much much closer than before, arms losing their ability to hold you up right.
Leon whimpered, white irises scanning your face, frantically darting from your head to your lips to your body to him.
He couldn’t speak and your thoughts were so jumbled up you weren’t even quite sure what happened, but still, part of you knew, could feel the panic and worry that Leon was radiating. His hands danced around your face and your elbows were bending more and more, legs were slipping from their position and Leon closed in on you, nose rubbing yours, eye lashes tickling your skin as if it might help you, as if it might cure you.
He pulled away, exhaling in frustration and groaning loudly as he shook his head side to side. You collapsed, cheek not finding cold tile but instead muscular thighs. Black Splotches danced all around the air, blinking only to find more adorning your vision, but fuck were you so tired. a tempting drag that wanted to lull you to sleep and it felt so good to give in, to instead of blink and force them open to just give in.
A whine sounded above you, hands raked through your hair. A part of you felt bad causing Leon to worry, but his hands just felt so good, so comforting. You’d rest your eyes just for a moment. Recoup your thoughts. Just for a minute.
When you woke, you were in a different room. The wall in front of you spun and you groaned, raising your blood splattered hands to dig your palms into your eye sockets. Your head was killing you.
A noise sounded behind you, a pathetic little whine mixed with a groan and growl all in one that had you shifting and realizing the position you were in. Leon laid behind you propped against a wall, your body tucked and nestled gently in between his legs, your back comfortably resting against his chest. One strong arm was wrapped around your torso, hand splayed wide to keep you close while the other gently patted and played with strands of your hair, head perfectly positioned under his chin.
“Leon,” the words were less than a whisper, throat far too dry it felt like sandpaper, but it was enough. Enough for Leon to hear and whimper again, for him to clutch you tighter towards him and press his cheek to the top of your head as if you were a precious stuffed animal.
“I’m okay baby, I’m okay.” The statement was somewhat a lie, but the concussion wasn’t deadly, more so an added annoyance to the hell you were going through, but at this rate it seemed the universe was strongly against you. Leon groaned again, his tone sounding every bit of argumentative and final, not needing words to absolutely tell you that no you were not okay.
He nuzzled into you, arms constricting tighter and tighter but not painful. You let yourself be squished, the feeling of being held so desperately a foreign experience. But then his hand left you, momentarily, but too long for your liking.
The two of you needed to move, but for the first time, you wanted to indulge yourself in a longer period of rest trapped in the embrace of something that made your heart flutter inside of its ribcage.
You slowly turned, and like the usual surprise that would course through you when Leon would surprise you over and over again, you relished in it now more than ever, grin automatically growing on your features and eyes welling with tears.
Another granola bar and a sealed bottle of water. How the fuck did Leon find that??
You sniffled, overwhelmed with the admiration you held for Leon, shifting and turning in his hold so that your cheek rested against his chest, arms snaking around his small waist to cling to him. You let the tears fall, hiding your face into his chest, completely exhausted and completely smitten.
“T-thank you, Leon,” you cried and his fingers curled, grasping the fabric of your clothes tightly.
Minutes passed until Leon released a hand, being the ever so responsible zombie to motion towards the water and granola bar- the latter less appetizing given your earlier sickness. you sat up, chugging the liquid an almost one entire go.
Your gaze focused on Leon, face and clothes smeared with blood, but you could tell he tried- tried so hard to wipe at the gore that had stained his face and neck. the gore from jack.
If Leon could blush like a puppy being scolded, he would have, features contorting into what could only be described as shame and disappointment. his white eyes fluttered, turning his head to stare at the ground to shield how monstrous he looked. He was exactly that. A monster, a zombie. He killed someone and he didn't care. enjoyed it if anything, and if he had the ability to do so, he would have done it earlier.
A faint rumbling vibrated in his chest. He failed to protect you once. It wasn't supposed to happen again.
instead it was worse.
watching your body be pummeled by a man twice your size, your frail body slamming into the tiled floor with such force that it had your body locking up as if it was momentarily glitching, unable to process the devastating hit.
he was ashamed, fearful. He waited for you to show it. to scold him and panic and run to leave him. maybe you'd try to kill him. realize he was no different from any other zombie at all and needed to be put down.
you winced, positioning yourself to sit back on your thighs in between his broad legs as your eyes scanned his face, read the look in his eyes that caused a mixture of gratefulness and guilt to pool in the bottom of your stomach. He had saved you. saved you again.
"Leon, sweetheart," you cooed, slowly resting your palms against his now chilled cheeks, fingers brushing away the bloody strands of hair that laid against his forehead. "you saved me. again."
and like clockwork, like every time you tried to praise your devoted zombie boy, he mumbled in protest. in disagreement. you never should have been hit in the first place, never been hurt.
you wondered if he had felt scared, but thought was dismissed as soon as it formed. a stupid question. you had seen it in his eyes, in his actions, the way his hands had hovered and ran over your body in some sort of attempt to soothe both you and him. with no real solution, with nothing he could actually do, Leon was helpless.
with the way he held you while you were unconscious, you knew he wouldn't have left you alone. would have held you while you died. would he have bit you? turned you? you prayed if he did, you'd become like him. succumbing to an eternity of death with him by your side didn't seem so bad.
Shaky thumbs swiped against his cheek, under his lash line, and gently you gripped his chin to face you. You leaned in, lips pressing a soft kiss to a bloodless spot on his forehead.
"you saved me, Leon. I'm sorry for making you do that." and suddenly his hands were mirroring yours, cupping your cheeks and frantically shifting to rub his nose against yours again.
it was twisted, basking in this moment after what had happened, but you hadn't decided for things to go this way. jack did.
a small grin, your cheeks warmed. hands found his wrists to lightly back him away. you scanned the hallway you were in, eyes widening and jaw going completely slack when it clicked. Leon had found the exit, had dragged or carried you all this way.
"Holy shit leon. You did it- you found it!" you were standing before you could think, standing far too fast for the trauma your body had just been forced through and you winced, hands gripping your head and squeezing your eyes shut.
but Leon was there. Leon was always there. Already up, hands gripping your waist to steady you. You didn't know what he could feel, what he could remember. but Leon looked at you like you were everything. you didn't need words to know that.
With a shaky exhale, your hands found his, interlocking your fingers and smiling like he had hung the moon. the two of you would escape. go back to your apartment and wait whatever the fuck the two of you needed to wait out. you would figure it out.
ok i have a theory but don’t wanna sound dumb…..where’d you get the idea to name ur fic “hanging out to dry”? it’s lovely btw!
omg u could never sound dumb! But hehe your theory is probs right— I got it from the song hanging out to dry by Florence road!!
I kept seeing it to TikTok edits from euphoria when I think Nate And maddie or Cassie (I’ve only seen edits of euphoria🙈) make eye contact at a party and then the chorus or bridge drops and I was like omg I need a scene where reader makes eye contact w gojo and she’s trying like not to fall in love with him or something.
But then was also obsessed with the bet trope so I needed him to break her heart💔💔
i LOVE reading angst and it being so good i'm like experiencing it and shedding some tears. well girl i SOBBED at your frat gojo fic omgggggg it hit very close to home as someone with severe self esteem issues but it's like so therapeutic to be able to cry about it in like a fictional scenario.....i'm releasing real life emotions and tensions but in a comfortable fictional setting.....does that make sense? anyway i don't know what a private therapist asks as hourly rate but i should send you double because you're a GENIUSSSSSS IT WAS SO GOODDDDDDD i can't wait for part 2 but surely it must be kinda heavy to write so take your time!!! sending so much love!!!!!!!
OH EM GEEEEE STOPPPP😭😭😭 I love that it made you cry I like can’t even believe that my writing can do that😭 but yes girl that totally makes sense I feel you so much and I loveeee being a therapist so here whenever🥹🙂↕️
Thank you sooooo much for reading and hopefully part 2 was decent enough 🙂↕️🤭
notes: WOW WOW WOW! I've been out of town so im sooo sorry for taking so long to update and leaving u guys hanging! i was not expecting that much engagement AT ALL SO THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH! but im also super duper nervous bc im not crazy about this one :') so a little nervous it might not meet expectations</3. Also might have lied about a different ending- we shall see but i took so long with this i didn't want to make u guys wait any longer so sorry if it wasnt what you wanted! also hope you guys don't think reader is too big of a cry baby, she's just sad and in love:(
warnings: angst and heartbreak, comfort, happy ending (eye roll jkjk), reader and gojo not taking care of them selves, self neglect for sure, cursing, mentions of throw up and alcohol, um um, reader and gojo basically just existing and hating life
Credit to @uzmacchiato for the divider!!
For weeks, the old but familiar cycle repeated. The dreaded feeling that you would never be able to shake off seemed to follow you wherever you went, no matter what path you followed in life, no matter who you met.
You stayed cooped up in your apartment, finding a temporary solace in the four walls. They wouldn't speak, wouldn't judge you for wallowing in your emotions and crying yourself sick.
The ache in your heart never seemed to subside. It was persistent, constantly reminding you of everything you tried so hard to forget.
You so badly wanted to prove to yourself that you were stronger than this, wanted to walk into class the following week with your head held high and pretend that you were just fine- even if it was just pretend.
But you couldn't.
Everything felt so incredibly difficult and brutal. Time taunted you, moving in slow motion yet simultaneously in the blink of an eye, sunrises transitioning into sunsets while you spent your days in bed drained of energy and dreaming of cerulean blue eyes.
Body, mind and soul feeling as if they were weighed down with cinder blocks and you were drowning.
Your heart had been completely shattered, broken into a million fragments and the idea of healing felt akin to finding a needle in a hay sack. Hopeless. Futile. Impossible. A puzzle with too many missing pieces.
Your mind was the worst, the temporary comfort exactly that. No where felt safe, the four walls turning into nothing but a tool to only make you feel more suffocated.
You could go anywhere to escape gojo, but you could never escape yourself.
Never escape the way you replayed the words he spoke to his friends, the way he looked at you, the way he cried, or the way he told you that he was in love with you.
Everytime you shut your eyes, his would find you.
You started skipping your classes after that, started skipping everything actually. Daily little walks to clear your mind, little coffee pick me ups, meals- it all ended. You were a shell of a person now, unable to put back together your own pieces.
No. Gojo had really taken a toll on you, really pushed you past a limit you didn't know existed.
And the worst part of it all was that you were still in love with him, still missed him and the way he'd distract you in class or grab your hand just to drag you somewhere while you playfully put up a fight. The way his stupid blue eyes seemed to light up at you just the way yours did at him. The way he made you feel.
And it was brutal, unnecessarily ruthless the way your mind plagued you when you thought of his lips and the night he kissed you. So cool, yet boyish and slightly clumsy as if gojo too was nervous, as if he truly didn't want to mess it up.
But each time your mind cursed you with a perfect little memory, it was shut down with the images from that night.
You had stumbled home after, purely driven by your grief induced rage, vision blurred from the tears that were constantly filling your eyes and painting your cheeks.
But arriving home to your lonely apartment was no better. Throwing up alone snotty, sweaty, and gross was absolutely horrible- and ignoring the messages and phone calls that bombarded your phone was nearly impossible.
The alcohol settled further into your bones and your drunkenness multiplied but you didn't have the guts to block him just yet- torturing yourself further when you began to listen to the voicemails he left while you desperately clung to the sides of your toilet sobbing and hurling.
You ignored them of course, sloppily brushing your teeth and crawling on top of your sheets, drunkenly throwing off your clothes but not caring to wash the make up off your face or the gravel fully out of your palms.
Then you proceeded to sob so hard you had to throw up again until finally you cried yourself to sleep. And when you woke up with swollen eyes, a scratchy throat and a pounding headache, praying with all your might that it was a nightmare, you realized it wasn't, your sober self having to go through the entire cycle again of processing what had happened, the heart break, the humiliation- everything.
You were slow to block his number, tormenting yourself the few days after that night as you religiously watched his texts flood in, spamming you with apologies and this and that and the ways he would change and loved you and wanted you and it was masochistic and everything you never hoped for and why couldn't you tear your eyes away? Why did knowing what he had done to you make it no less harder to think about him?
Being vulnerable and desperate with a visceral want to be loved angered you far more than he ever could.
And still, you let yourself think of him lovingly and kindly, and there, because god you would be a liar if you said you didn't miss him and everything he was, and the way he smelled and smiled and existed.
And still, losing Satoru felt like the only light in your life had been snuffed out, and you didn't care if it was pathetic because it was so undeniably painful and true and ignoring that fact would be a lie through gritting teeth.
You wanted to hate him. You knew you couldn't.
And amongst your tears of self loathing and hatred, you cursed the way you loved so loudly and deeply. The most twisted thing of it all.
With him blocked, your phone was dead silent. The quiet was loud.
You weren't sure how long you stayed in bed after that. Always exhausted as soon as you woke up feeling void of life that the white haired boy had given you. merely reduced to an organism that could only breathe.
But with timing and the world so happily on your side, you were gifted with finals and exams during your period of heartbreak, the ultimate stake in your heart. Your grades had already plummeted from your lack of attendance and half assed assignments and despite spending the last few weeks wallowing in your self pity instead of studying, you knew the least you could do was at least show up to the final exams- even if he would be there.
Rubbing your eyes with a sniffle, you forced your body to move, willing every deteriorated muscle to act. to put on clothes that weren't pajamas and to try and behave like a normal functioning being.
There was no motivation, but a small determination to take a step out of your apartment for the first time in who knows when.
You'd walk to the library, distract yourself with studying- spend the remainder of the week drowning yourself in work to pass your finals just enough so that you'd still pass all your classes and when that was over, you’d let yourself suffocate in the thought of him all over again, but for now- you had to do this.
Throwing on a hoodie that was not his- why would he have given you so many t-shirts and hoodies if you were just a bet, was he just expecting to ask for them back after he pranked you?- you begrudgingly readied yourself to the bare minimum, yanking the door open to begin your dreaded walk.
Eyebrows furrowing in confusion, your eyes landed on a handful of envelopes that laid on your doormat- slightly dirtied and weathered and you wondered just how long they'd been sitting there.
You shakily exhaled, nerves bubbling in your throat as trembling fingers picked up a total of at least five envelopes, all bare save for your name simply written in the middle of each, all in different handwriting. You looked around, retreating back into your apartment to hastily rip them open, curiosity getting the better of you as you were unsure of what person (multiple people?) you knew who were writing you letters and leaving them at your door step.
You pulled out the first letter, concentration written on your face as you scanned it over, not reading the content yet but just staring in pure confusion and then-
Your jaw felt slightly slack, eyes widening. You opened the next, and the next and the next, words unread but eyes falling on all the separate letters from Gojo and his friends and frat brothers. All written lengthy apologies from Gojo, Geto, Sukuna, Fushiguro, a couple other names you didn't know but must have been involved with the bet.
Your fingers clutched the papers, catching certain paragraphs and biting your lip to once again hold tears back.
-didn't even know who you were and we did that to you. Guess thats why we felt like we could do it, as fucked up as that sounds. Gojo’s making us all write these apology letters to you and I hate saying sorry, but I am- we are all sorry. We’re just a bunch of assholes who thought it would be fun to fuck around with him and I guess you too, so yeah. Im sorry for being a part of it and hurting you, even if ive never talked to you. And wow that sounds really bad. Also, Gojo was telling the truth even though he lied at the party, another brother really did grab your gifts from him to throw it away, but tbh those cookies looked really good so I was gonna grab the container after anyways but asshole gojo got to it first. What type of cookies were those? Do you think-
You rolled your eyes automatically, hurriedly glancing away from sukuna’s letter to skim fushiguros.
-frat pres is so fucking annoying and gojos up there too. Sorry for hurting your feelings, we really did just want to fuck around and did think it was funny but damn I actually feel bad. So I'm sorry for that. It wasn't as funny as we thought. Think you could forgive his annoying ass and make some more cookies? Fucker grabbed the container before-
Then geto’s.
-Y/n I'm sorry that I was kind to your face and then let this happen behind your back. And not just let it happen but participated. You have always been a very nice girl and we took advantage of who you were for a laugh, and I swear to you that no one is laughing. You didn't deserve any of that and we don't deserve any of your kindness or forgiveness. I know I have no right to say, but Ive never seen Satoru like this and ive known him for years. I promise you that the bet was not his idea, that he shouldn't have gone along with it of course but none of us were thinking, we didn't know that you would be you-
You angrily huffed, tossing the letters onto your counter and refusing to read the rest of them and certainly not Gojos. Why did it matter if it wasn't his idea? Okay so what if he didn't throw your things out and was planning on getting them after, he still- you slammed your eyes shut, throat beginning to burn as tears welled up in your eyes.
He still did it, still said all that shit in front of everybody. Still lied to your face even when he was supposedly in love with you.
“Fuck you gojo,” you whispered to yourself, annoyingly wiping away the wetness in your eyes with the back of your palm. His letter remained unopened on the counter practically begging for you to read it and like every action did now, it took everything in you to leave it and walk out the door
The trek to the library was uneventful, slow and quiet as you pushed forward with anger in your veins. Your face was concealed by your overly large hood and headphones, staring at the cracks in the sidewalk.
“Y/n.”
You froze on instinct, ice shooting through your veins as your body betrayed you, the entrance of the library laid just up ahead taunting and laughing.
Prickles of heat stabbed alongside your neck and the saliva in your mouth grew sticky and gelatinous, hard to swallow as you attempted to focus on breathing in through your nose, out through your mouth.
“y/n,” the familiar tone that you had once loved, spoke the syllables of your name so softly, so light you hoped you had imagined it. So much emotion laced through and over and around the word that you never wanted to hear it again.
But that would be too easy on you, a too great display of mercy casted onto you by the universe.
You braced yourself, slowly turning and unintentionally, your mouth gaped, gaze landing on a very disheveled sick looking gojo who looked every bit like a heartbroken boy. You clearly weren't the only one skipping meals.
The words landed in an instant without thought, claws out, nails sharp.
“Leave me alone,” you spat, making your break for the library but his hand caught your wrist in a gentle but firm hold, electricity shooting up your arm and you screamed to yourself to ignore it, that it wasn't what you thought.
“Please, please y/n, I know i don't deserve it but just give me a minute-”
“For what? Think you can get in my pants that quick and win your stupid bet? I don't want anything to do with you.” The words burned as you spewed the hate and spat venom, so unlike you and it only served to anger you more. You didn't feel any better being mean to him, didn't feel good or victorious watching the features on his pretty and now sunken in face contort into hurt.
Fuck, it only hurt you more. Only made you want to take it back. Teeth tore into your bottom lip, eyes diverting anywhere but at him. But you didn't move. Let him grip you and hold your wrist, and you hated the familiarity and comfort that came with the touch. You were pitiful.
“How did you even know I'd be here?” the question flew from your lips before you could properly think about it, eyes focusing on the bob of his throat as he swallowed.
“I.. I didn't. You haven't been in lecture a-and I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable by showing up at y-yours.. I’ve just been,” Gojo glanced away for a brief second, pale skin flushing a pretty pink. “I’ve been waiting outside the library everyday in case… in case you'd come.”
Your mouth opened, then shut, unable to find the words to respond to his unexpected statement you only thought could be a bluff. Another lie just to get you to forgive him. “For what, three weeks?”
He nodded, hesitant and shy, as if the fact might annoy you, looking anything but like the notorious campus fratboy and instead so childish. “Im so sorry y/n. Please, can we talk? Do you want coffee? I'm so sorry, I miss- I miss you so much, I feel like i c-cant function with out you and I meant it, I'm so in love with you-”
“Gojo.” You stopped him, fingers curling in on themselves to painfully dig into your palms, to try and ground yourself with anything but what could only be deceitful words.
His voice was breaking, hoarse and gravely as if he'd been crying too, rambling the words out like he knew you were about to leave him and he only had a few seconds to say what he needed to but he couldn't- there wasn't enough time to for him to tell you how sorry he was, not enough hours in this lifetime for him to prove how guilty he felt, or how desperately he begged to take it all back. He was a mess, and anybody could see. He knew it wasnt about him and his feelings, knew and deserved the pain he felt after what he did to you, but fuck he couldn't eat. Couldn't do much more than you.
He kept spamming your number with texts, hoping the green would turn to blue, kept ringing your number. Kept going to lecture in case there was a chance he might see you. But fuck if he didn't look and feel like shit.
“Don't. say. that-”
“But it's true y/n, i love you, i cant stop thinking about you, I wish i could take it all back, It wasn't a bet anymore it was real- it was all real,” Gojo spoke voice shaking and adamant, the first sign of his old spark making a display.
If there was anything he was unyielding about, it was his attempt at making it known to you that his love for you was real. “Y-you don't need to love me back thats-thats okay, just know I love you. I love you-”
“Stop saying that!” You seethed, eyes watering as he kept repeating the phrase that made you feel physically ill, like you might just vomit if he spoke the lie again. It didn't matter. None of it mattered if he loved you and you loved him, it didn't matter anymore. You shook off his grip that you had forgotten was on you, abruptly turning to make your way inside as you kept your head down, praying your tears wouldn't fall just yet.
“Did you get the letters?” He called out from behind you.
You paused, refusing to turn, grinding your molars, feeling like shit and thinking of a final blow that could hurt him. You wanted him to hurt. You didn't want to hurt him. You wanted him to hurt. You didn't want to hurt him. Who was this person you were becoming?
“Fuck your letters. It's basic empathy that you all feel bad. You'll never come close to understanding how I feel,” and in the reflection of the building's glass windows, you watched the way his shoulders slumped, the way his head dropped to his chest in defeat, ruffled white hair strewn all over the place.
For once, the bright boy looked exceptionally dull, clad in a now too big black hoodie and sweats, radiant blue eyes fizzed out into a soft blue, pale undereyes now decorated with large purple bags.
You bit your tongue wanting nothing more than to tell him you didn't mean it, that you did- but not quite like that. Wanted to run your fingers through his hair and undercut, over his sharp and perfect features and accept his apology, get some food in him and make sure he got a proper night's rest.
Your chin wobbled, lips trembling, mind deceiving you and urging you to just turn back and look at him. There was nothing you wanted more than to give in, every synapse firing telling you to just do it.
you sped forward before your body could betray you once more, beelining it to the women's restroom where you could freely sob, heart breaking all over again as you hurt the boy you loved back. Knowing he deserved it did nothing to soothe you. You loved him too much.
Gojo respected your distance. For the time being at the library.
When you walked out hours later, sun long gone and campus streetlights projecting soft yellow glows as the quiet hum of the outdoors enveloped you, you felt somewhat successful. At least you had tried.
You would have sped walked home, if not for the familiar head of hair that poked out from under a black hood. Gojo, on the bench, outside the library.
You scoffed lightly to yourself, preparing to book it past him before he noticed it was you, but what didn't go unnoticed by him? He was always oddly infuriatingly attentive to everything, which would have been great if.. Well.
“W-wait, y/n! Are you- are you hungry, did you eat? You were in there for hours and-”
His voice was a catalyst to your anger. You spun to face him, ready to chew him out, patience long gone. Gojo, bothersome and persistent and maddening and beautiful, already walking towards you, already there.
“Really Gojo? Haven't you done enough? Was lying to my face not enough that you have to keep following me around and messing with me? I don't- I don't care okay? I just want you to leave me alone, please. What don't you get? Your game is over, so please, stop doing this, the prize cannot be that good,” Your edge was sharp and frustrated, emotions bubbling over like a perfectly planned volcanic eruption as the words stumbled out of you.
“Yes,” the words tore from him just as frustrated, just as hopeless, hands running through his white strands in an attempt to ground himself, to gather his thoughts. “Yes, the bet- the game whatever- it's all over- been over, and yes,” he pleaded, hands reaching out towards you but you quickly stepped back avoiding his touch, ignoring the hurt that flashed across his face. “Yes, I've done enough- but I can't, I won't stop telling you i love you, please believe me-”
Rage fizzed up inside of you, bringing your palms up to shove at his chest, just as you had done that night. It was infuriating, it was aggravating, being taunted by something- someone you wanted so bad yet couldn't have, by someone who was so close yet needed to be kept at arms length.
“Ugh! You don't love me Gojo!” You spoke over him, ignoring the persistent nod of his head as the words I do Im so in love you I do tumbled from his clearly overbitten red lips. “You don't- don't do what you did to someone you like, let alone love!” your voice broke, staring at him incredulously. “I liked you so much. Don't you get that?” The end of the sentence wasn't hastily spewed anymore, it was slow but urgent, a plea for him to understand the severity at which he hurt you.
“Y-you guys purposefully picked me, because- because you knew that i was a loner and had no friends o-or whatever, and still, you dragged me along, made me- made me fall in lo-” a choked noise cut you off and you whipped your head to the side to break eye contact, not wanting him to see the pain you were in, not wanting to be weak before him. It felt like a humiliation ritual all over again.
You inhaled a deep breath, swallowing to ease the tightness of your throat, to blink back the wetness in your eyes. “Each day you saw me, you went back to your friends and knew what you were doing, while the entire time, I thought- I thought I was just lucky, that finally- maybe I deserved something good, t-that maybe I did deserve someone as good as you.”
Gojo stayed silent absorbing your words, street lights reflecting in the glossiness of his eyes. His chest rose and fell rapidly, jaw muscle twitching every second. For once, he didn't interrupt you, just listened to the damage he knew he had done.
“And then I was so excited to see you- I didn't care if it was a party or if your friends were there I just- I just wanted to see you,” you sighed, briefly shutting your eyes to work up the courage to say what made you feel so sick, so unwanted. “And then there you were in front of everybody, b-because, again, you're someone! Everyone wants to be near you! And you just-” your breath hitched as you relived the scene, could physically feel your heart plummet all over again and the shudder that racked through your body as you pictured him standing there.
Your shoulders dropped as you loudly exhaled, unable to say the words aloud that replayed in your head and kept you up at night. “Everybody wants to be around you, or talk to you, o-or be friends with you Gojo. You don't know what it's like to have never had that, and then to hear the guy you lo- the guy you like- speak so…” you groaned, hands momentarily covering your eyes and throwing your head back in embarrassment. “Like I'm just- just this thing, like I don't have actual feelings, I just,” you paused before finally meeting his eyes again, all wide and starry, glassy and beautiful with tears. “I just can't get it out of my head.”
Silence hung around the both of you as the two of you stood mere feet away, imperfect yet perfect reflections of the other. Both completely hurt and devastated, both torn and beaten down for the same reasons yet not at all. It would be easy to forgive and forget, so easy. Especially when he stood with all his glory looking so unwell and defeated but of course, so frustratingly perfect even at the worst times. Even when he was wrong and felt so right..
Your tongue ran along the back of your teeth, poking the inside of your cheek as you waited, unsure for what.
“I am so sorry, y/n,” he whispered, a tear breaking tension and dropping down his cheek.
You sniffled, nodded, staring.
“I know,” you whispered, and walked by him, stifling the sobs that threatened to burst out of you
When you woke the next morning, you were once again faced with the fact that you would not be spared from the clutches of gojo who was seemingly intent on making it very clear that getting over him would be the most difficult task. ever.
There were dozens of flowers outside your door, a sign of gojo's unfortunate persistence and dedication. You cursed him, convincing yourself that you were bringing them inside for just a moment before you'd shove them in the trash.
But they were spider lilys, your favorite and so hard to find.
You racked your brain for how he knew, chalking it up to a lucky guess. but then your memory, ever so cruel, reminded you. Flashed you the thought of how you had once told him in an off handed random conversation months ago…
and he had just… remembered?
You rolled your eyes, willing the thought away, willing him out of your head and somewhere far far away, but your hands were already moving, already filling a vase- several vases with water. He didn't have to know you kept them. They were just flowers. Just your favorites.
It didn't mean anything, and it certainly didn't mean you were any closer to forgiving him.
Gojo didn't show at the library for the remainder of the week. Not that you noticed. Not that you cared.
More goodies had mysteriously shown up on your doorstep, ranging from coffee with the words “I love you,” written in sharpie on the plastic or breakfast from your favorite diner (more apologies written on the bag that you refused to read) to the matcha dragon jellycat with a pink bow on the head, that you had absolutely no idea how he knew you'd been wanting- or how he was able to get his hands on it considering it'd been sold out for months.
You kept it of course, not wanting to punish the stuffed animal for his actions, but your forgiveness would not be bought. You were surprised he at least had the composure and maturity to not bang on your door.
It was the last night before finals, and it was just your luck that it was pouring furiously as you stepped out of the library at two in the morning. You worriedly stood under the awning in almost pitch black darkness, the campus streetlights doing little to nothing to illuminate what would be a horrible walk back as you watched every single tree bend over backwards from the sheer amount of wind force.
You groaned, nervously chewing on your thumb nail as you racked your brain on what you could possibly do, so past exhausted and wanting nothing more than to call it quits and climb into your bed.
“Hey.”
You gasped, eyebrows shooting up your forehead and whipping around to see what potential threat might be facing you, surprisingly visibly relaxing when your eyes landed on none other than gojo. Of course.
A hand raised to clutch the fabric over your heart, exhaling in relief when you realized you weren't about to get kidnapped.
“Holy shit you scared me,” you breathed, moreso to yourself than him, fear catching you off guard for a moment that you didn't immediately curse at him. You didn't say more, letting the thunder and pitter patter of the rain fill the heavy silence, didn't ask what he was doing there.
Gojo stood awkward, almost out of place. Hand in his pocket and other lightly gripping around the handle of an umbrella that went clearly unused by him. Damp strands of snow white hair stuck to his forehead and wet clothes clung to his body. He looked so pretty just standing under the awnings flickering lights, eyes somewhat unfocused but glued on you, and you had to force yourself to look away, could practically feel the blush creeping up your neck at how pretty he looked.
It seemed as if your body would continue to betray you.
“Can I take you home?” He asked softly, cerulean eyes filled with a glimmer of hope shining at you.
“Nope. It's fine, I can wait. I'm sure it'll be done soon.” blunt and final. Gojo's heart raced at the lack of venom as if it was a sign. Sure you were uninterested, but you didn't immediately tell him to leave you alone. It meant absolutely nothing, yet to him it meant everything- meant light at the end of a tunnel, a stray getting a taste of food after having been starved. His heart raced in his chest, words catching in his throat. He could play it cool, not beg, not repeat himself over and over again like he'd been doing, just try to do enough yet not too much to just get you with him for a few minutes one more time.
“It's after 2 y/n, we've got our final tomorrow and it's pouring. I know you're tired, just let me take you home. Please.”
You rolled your eyes to yourself, exhaling and contemplating his words in your head, cursing every upper power for their unwillingness to toss you a bone.
Do you suffer for the ten minute car ride and get home and go to sleep, or wait here for lord knows how long to just sprint home, maybe get caught in the rain anyways with all your papers and laptop in your bag in the pitch black- you groaned quietly. It was a no brainer.
“This means nothing. I'm serious, Gojo.”
The smallest of smiles creeped on his features, the corner of his lips turning up ever so slightly, and along with one of the prettiest grins you've ever seen came the embarrassingly increasing pounding of your broken heart. You regretted it as soon as he stepped closer, hating the way he made you fluster even after shattering your heart.
“Come on, I'm parked this way,” and right away his free hand reached for the strap of your bag, tugging it down your arm and slinging it over his shoulder, opening the umbrella and positioning it directly over your head before guiding you out into the rain. You opened your mouth in protest, but he was too fast, ultimately deciding to just keep your mouth shut to get it all over with.
The two of you sped walked in the rain, dodging puddles to the best of your abilities and your heart ached painfully at what could have been. The moment was mocking, undeniably sweet.
An unintentional squeal shot out of your mouth when a particular violent gush of wind suddenly sent the umbrella inside out, both of you getting momentarily soaked- or well, mainly just you. Gojo didn't fit under, choosing to just hold it over you and was already looking like he had jumped in a pool.
You couldn't hold back the bubble of laughter that rolled out of you watching gojo curse and spew apologies at you getting wet as he frantically tried to fix the umbrella. His curses turned into chuckles and as soon as it was fixed, the laughter died down into awkward silence, your cheeks burning and a new wave of sadness crashing as the two of you walked side by side. You knew this was a bad idea.
He opened the passenger side of his far too fancy car, a small murmured “thank you,” reluctantly falling past your lips as you watched him run to his side, blasting the heater once situated. For a beat, you both said nothing, sitting in the idling car while a tsunami stormed around you.
He cleared his throat. “Are you warm enough?”
“Yes.”
“Good, good, that's good.” He spoke too fast, sounded too eager. The car stayed parked, Gojo flexing his fingers in his lap, adams apple bobbing as he nervously swallowed. Fuck was he neverous? He didn't want to fuck this up- okay well he was already so past that, he didn't want to fuck things up more, which surely by now would just be impossible. He's just missed you so, so much, still pathetically texting your number everyday incase he wasnt blocked anymore, racking his brain for any other way to show you he's sorry and means it, that he-
“Gojo.”
“Yes?” He's immediately swiveling his head towards you, thoughts interrupted, eyes wide and mouth gaped at what you might say. The yes sounds more like a plea than anything, a beg for you to talk. You spoke to him and it didn't sound like you were going to curse him, what is it what is it what is it??
“Take me home.”
His shoulders deflated, embarrassment creeping up his neck and hope now a mere fleeting thought. What was he thinking?
“Right! Um- yes sorry, of course, my bad,” He mentally cursed at how awkward he was acting and fuck if it didn't sting, but it was everything and more that he deserved.
No music, no talking, just the white noise of the rain and occasional clap of thunder, mixed in with the heat blasting from the vents. He parked outside your apartment building, mustering the courage to try and speak before you could escape. He had ten minutes to think, to scrounge up anything and suddenly his mind was entirely blank except for just you. Just you looking far too pretty exhausted and wet at two am, sitting in his car, right in front of him. Was this real? Was he imagining you?
You spoke first, already unbuckling your seatbelt, eyes staring straight through the windshield. “No more flowers. No more gifts. No more anything. This-” you motioned between yourself and gojo. “Whatever this is- was- no more. Done. Thank you for driving me home, but no more.”
The words burned as you forced them out, every thought in your mind telling you nononono.
“T-theyre from uh, they're not just from me, from the guys too, I'm telling you y/n, I’m sorry- we are all really sorry,” Gojo whispered, entire body turned towards you in case he'd be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of your eyes. You were so close, yet so far away, and he had no one to blame but himself.
“I don't care who they're from, that's-thats not the point, okay?” Your voice raised, tone laced with frustration and annoyance. How could you possibly get over him if he was just so damn persistent? Why did he have to try so fucking hard? “Just leave me alone-”
“I cant y/n, I cant. I- I tried, I've tried to respect your words and give you distance but I can't okay?” He knew he was being pathetic, but he just didn't have it in him to care anymore.
“I physically fucking hurt, and I know, It will never compare to how you feel- to what I did to you but fuck-” his features were contorted into a pained look that you had never seen before, never wanted to see in the first place.
You faced him, regret taking hold of every action and thought as you could practically feel the want to give in increase more and more. The look of distraught, the anguish, everything that should have never touched him completely coated him and you had to dig your fingers into your pants to keep from reaching out. You internally begged for him to stop, to just stop fucking speaking, to stop making you think and think and think. But when has Gojo ever stopped??
“I can't stop thinking about you, you're my first thought in the morning and last thought at n-night- I.. I cant function without you and I miss you so so much, just please- please you're all I think about and I mean it when i say it was real, it was all real- Fuck, it never and i mean it never felt like a joke or some bet, I knew I was fucked as soon as I started talking to you- I liked you and and I fucking love you- like theres, theres this physical constricting in my chest when I think about you, when I think about how much I love you and- and,” Gojos head dropped to his chest, voice cracking and fingers curling into the fabric near his chest as if he was experiencing that ache, spewing the words so hastily he could only pray he was making sense.
He inhaled a deep breath, some lousy attempt at collecting his thoughts, raising his head to find your eyes on him, wide and glossy, nostrils flaring from the intensity of your breathing.
You were so beyond overwhelmed, unsure of what to do, what to say, if you should zone him out or listen, but it hurt and it hurt so much that you knew no amount of lying to yourself or to him would numb the agonizing ache in your chest.
“You don't have to love me. You don't have to forgive me, but please, just let me try. Ill spend the rest of my life making it up to you, but fuck Y/N, i have never felt this before. W-When I look at you- m-my brain just does this, this weird numbing thing like its just a buzz, l-like i cant think at all, I just- i just see you and,” he frustratingly ran his fingers through his wet strands, fingers pulling and tugging on the edge as anxiety and exasperation coursed through him.
“Fuck im just so in love you,” his voice broke, pitch uneven and scratchy.
A tear streaked down his pale skin, and you sharply inhaled to hide your own. You could try to be strong, try to deny what you felt for him and pretend like you didn't need him, but you weren't exempt from the ache in your heart at his admission, couldn't just let his words roll off you like they didn't mean anything, when they meant everything, couldn't ignore the way he loved you when you loved him.
The entire situation was so fucked, such a dumb fucking cliche.
“I-I know my letter wasn't enough, that an explanation or guilt won't fix anything, that gifts don't mean anything” you stayed silent, didn't tell him you hadn't actually read his letter yet, that you couldn't. “but-but I just- I just need you- need to try to fix what I fucked up. You're so, so perfect,” he whispered the last sentence to himself, gaze dropping.
He was the one who did all of this, but you wouldn't be the only one to suffer.
You shakily breathed, praying your voice didn't come out as broken and fragile as you were, that he wouldn't be able to see your tell. So many things you wanted to say, wanted to ask. You couldn't open that door, desperately wishing you could find closure in disclosure.
“Thanks for the ride, gojo.” a faint whisper, the only response you gifted him. You slammed open the door, grabbing your bag and running out into the rain towards your apartment building, thankful that it was so loud it hid your cries and wails. You didn't turn around, knowing you'd only go back at the sight of him falling apart, knowing the exact feeling of something that was so in reach completely and helplessly fall through your hands. It was torturous watching what used to be your ray of sunshine completely lose its spark and turn into something so hurt and defeated. Two sides of the same coin. What perfect reflections of each other.
The class was quiet when you arrived bright and early the next morning, murmurs and whispers of questions floating around students silently panicking as they anticipated the material on the exam. Sleep was futile, mind filled with endless thoughts of gojo, and when you finally drifted off into the lull between consciousness and sleep, your dreams taunted you of him. Showed you small glimpses of a hand held in yours, messy white hair splayed on your lap, a pretty smile that made your mind go dumb. You didn't need to see his face to know it was him.
When you woke, eyes wet and sadness heavy in your chest, you couldn't have cared less about your exam, only wanting it to be over so you could resume rotting in your heartbreak.
But of course, Gojo being Gojo through and through, you found a coffee placed at your usual spot in lecture, “good luck, you're going to ace this!” and a heart once again written sloppily in his handwriting. Huffing, you discreetly scanned the room, finding his ruffled locks on the opposite side alone, looking equally as shitty and unwell. You rolled your eyes to yourself, blocking him out and eager to get the exam over with.
You half expected Gojo to storm after you once the exam was over, dismissing the small part of you that almost wished he had. No you didn't.
Slamming open your apartment door and throwing off your bag, the action happened before you could even second guess, fingers whipping out your phone to quickly unblock his contact telling yourself it was just to look, just to get a small peak.
You'll just block it after again, just one quick look wouldn't hurt right?
Your jaw dropped, hundreds of texts flooding your phone as you watched every single one pop up one after another after another- approximately over four weeks worth and Jesus, he was really not lying when he told you still texted your number, still spammed it.
Texts from that night, good morning texts, ‘i love you’s,’ ‘im sorry’s,’ a photo of your digimon keychain on his back pack and then of a digimon shirt and poster in his room with the caption “I love digimon so much I love your keychain”, your sticky note on his wall mirror, a photo of the empty cookies “so fucking good, let the guys have only one except for the fuck face that tossed em”, a photo of the exact frat member that tossed them with evident bruising on his face, “I didn't do it fushiguro and kuna did swear- they loved the cookies btw”, photos of flowers that reminded him of you, just more and more texts spilling his guts, telling you he loved you.
Holy shit.
You gritted your teeth. You should have never unblocked him, mind filled with so many thoughts and nothing at once you weren't sure if you were processing anything. You definitely weren't breathing.
Fuck it.
Phone carelessly tossed somewhere, you moved to tear open his letter, harshly biting your lip in anticipation, eyes widening at the multiple pages he had written and two smaller pieces of rectangular paper falling out that you paid no mind to yet.
You scanned the letter first, eyes rapidly going through each line only managing to digest certain sentences.
-so embarrassingly insecure that i never had any real friends, people that only used me for my family's status or wealth or just to get something out of me ever since i was kid. I didn't think anybody would actually want anything to do with me unless i had something to give-
-got to college and it was the same. Felt like no liked me for me. Always felt like i was left out of a joke or just didn't understand, thought i was weird and just had really bad social cues or something like that. Joined the frat for some brotherly “love” and it only got worse from there. I hated it, but i had something along the lines of friends for once and i had never had that before and wow this is really embarrassing-
-they were all assholes and at first i was just playing along. It was fun to feel like I fit in. it was never anything bad, never hurt anyone until you, never made any sorts of bets about anything, i swear. I'm only mentioning this because I know you'd never want anyone to go through this. You're so selfless, so kind-
-frat president came up with the idea of the bet and i gave in and i don't say that placing the blame on him or on anyone else. It's 100% all my fault and I never should have accepted it. When he brought it up, almost the entire frat was in the room and they all looked at me like if i didn't agree id be the loser i used to be. There's nothing I wouldn't give to take this back. To be looked at like a loser or nobody again if it meant I could have you back. I didn't think, didn't know who you were yet, which is not an excuse at all. It just made it easier to say yes when i didn't know-
-kuna and fushiguro didn't give a fuck. Are they assholes? Absolutely. But at least they are to everybody. Geto was against it all but we didn't care enough clearly to stop, we just kept playing along with the pres just because we could. Just because he could. Honestly don't even know what the prize was, I just accepted it that day. I didn't think about it.-
-he wanted to see if i could get you in bed with me, being the campus fuckboy and all. I know there's no reason for you to believe me at all, no reason to take my word for it. But I never would have gone that far. You think I'm lying and you have every right to, but I never. Never would have done that to you. Im a disgusting idiot, but not that evil-
-started to like you. Started to fall in love with you. Frat president was weirdly on our asses about it (yeah weird, fushiguros, kuna, and geto too?? Me i get, but i think he knew i was insecure and wanted to fit in, knew i had actually started to get along with those few guys and wanted to fuck me over even more having us all wrapped up in it, and dumbly enough i played along- we all did) and everytime i looked a little too happy or giddy or genuine after being with you he’d remind me of the bet. Remind me it wasn't real. I know, I am the biggest pussy ever. What kind of guy takes shit from someone like that? Who even cares?-
-dates were real. You were real. To me. I could nerd out with you and you'd laugh, join in with me even on the dumb things I liked that you didn't know existed. Just listen to me and watch me like I deserved your attention, like I deserved you and how good you were. And then I'd go back to the house and I was furious. Too pussy to officially end the bet to his face but knew I'd only keep going back to you. I never would've stopped once it was technically over because you werent some fuck ass bet to me, you were everything. I'd be so mad and accidentally end up taking it out on you, being rude and indifferent so that maybe you would get fed up with me and end whatever we had going on. That you realized I was never worth your time or good enough for you, but you never did. You kept looking at me like I meant something, kept giving me more chances than I ever deserved. And I took advantage of all of it. I wanted you so bad.-
-realized i turned into one of those assholes i always hated. Had no one to humble or put me in my place anymore and I hated what I saw in the mirror. Used to shit on people like me then i turned into one of the most vile people ever-
-but fuck i couldn't stay away from you. Told myself I'd end things with you just so that in some twisted way I could protect you from me, from the people I hung around. Anything but actually change huh?-
-they felt pretty shitty too so made them all write apology letters to you. I promised I wouldn't read them so if they're ass then I am really sorry about that. Told them to use their big boy brains and that maybe I'd let them try one of your cookies. I really did get them back-
-worst thing I've ever done in my life. Watching you look at me like that in the hall way gutted me and i stood there like some fucking cocky asshole but all i could think about was how were too good for me. Too kind, too genuine. Literally the personification of sunshine. I felt sick, thought it i was cold enough you might tell me to fuck off but you didn't. You never did and i hate myself-
-a brother threw them in the trash when i got back from class, i swear, all the guys saw, i swear. Said i was looking a little too happy, a little too old to be excited over the coolest fucking digimon keychain ive ever seen in my life. I was gonna grab them as soon as he left but then prep for the party started and this and that and i was gonna wait until after the party. I didn't care if there was junk all over it, I was gonna grab the keychain and the cookies (still in the container okay so it was fine, I'm not that gross and they looked amazing) and end the bet with him.-
-didn't even realize how much time had gone by. Every moment was so real and genuine with you all i wanted was you-
-that fucking night. I invited you of course I did and naturally, was shitting bricks. Prettiest girl I'd ever laid my eyes on was coming to our party and I was so excited. Didn't think of the bet, just wanted you there, wanted to see you. Frat pres kept handing me drinks, passing me blunts, and i didn't say no. just kept drinking and smoking and was so fucked up. Got in front of them and he started riling me up, started shit talking the gifts you got me and how funny the idea was. Everybody looked at me and like the desperate loser I am, started spewing shit, started spewing hate. Just wanted to make everybody laugh just to feel fucking better about myself for a split second. Just to feel like i fit right in with them-
-saw you. Saw how beautiful and out of this world you looked even while you cried. I am a coward. I'm pathetic. I knew i was fucking it up, but the moment i saw you. Fuck. I would do anything to take it back. To tell him to fuck off that i didn't care. To be a man and tell him i loved you, fuck his bet or whatever. That all of this was real. I know it doesn't matter. I know I deserve to feel this when I know it's nothing in comparison to what I did to you. I know i will never understand-
-want nothing to do with me. I completely get it. I'm not saying this so you take pity on me, believe me, but I know how cowardly I am. Know how I'm anything but a man. That i did something disgusting and horrible to the girl I love, the girl I was falling in love with. I hate that this is what it took for me to snap out of it. Came in after you left and absolutely trashed the place, kicked everyone out (may or may not be getting kicked out the frat next sem but i don't care), grabbed your gifts from the trash. Made the guys write those letters a couple days later after I went off on my friends (they went off on me too, don't you worry), and then the pres stilllll had some shit to say. Guys felt so bad they uh gave him some love taps-
-don't expect you to ever forgive me. Don't expect you to ever fall in love with me back. Just need you to know how perfect you are. How your kindness kept me going on the darkest of days, how you were literally a breath of fresh air that made me think that maybe things would be okay. You never hesitated to be there and every morning I woke up happy knowing I'd get to see you. I will be sorry for the rest of my life. Every day I wish I could take it back. None of it was worth it. I only want you. I only love you-
-had the best thing that's ever happened to me right in front of me. It felt like I had it all when I was with you. The prettiest girl I'd ever seen with a heart of gold liked me. Didn't want anything from me. And in return I betrayed your trust. Lied to your face. Not only royally fucked myself over but ruined the best part of me. Hate that i will be the reason for all your insecurities-
-mentioned the aquarium night event that had been sold out for a few months that you said would be a dream to go to. I got you two tickets (not for me don't worry) for the end of the month once finals are over since you said you'd be here over winter break. When you go, if, check out the biggest tank in the back with the whale shark. I know you'll look beautiful. Are beautiful. I love you.
The letter was tightly clutched in between your fingers, knuckles white from the grip, tear drops splattered over the sloppy pencil marks, smudges all over from where gojo had continuously erased and rewritten, erased and rewritten. tiny hiccups fell from your mouth.
You hated him you hated him you hated him.
You loved him you loved him you loved him.
Your breath hitched, momentarily discarding the letter to inspect the two fallen tickets. A special one night event gala with inclusive drinks and food, behind the scenes tour where guests could even pet certain animals. Not only had the tickets been sold out for months, but they were way beyond out of your budget.
With trembling lips and shaky hands, you sobbed.
Gojo quite literally spat out his drink when three days later a notification popped up. From you. In the midst of scrambling to properly hold his phone, he somehow managed to fling it, frantically tripping over his own feet, knocking over his drink and sending his desk chair tumbling.
Hi. Can we talk
He wasn't blocked anymore?? You texted him? You wanted to talk??
He tried to focus, tried to think of a response that wasn't so desperate or needy. He failed to do both.
Hi yes of course. im free now. Or whenever you are free of course, just let me know!
Your bubble popped up, his heart spasmed in his chest, breath heavy as he awaited your response.
It went away and his shoulders dropped. Then it popped up and he sat up. Gone.
He groaned, tossing the device and covering his face with his palms. He fucked up again.
An hour later, there was a knock on the door down stairs, then voices mingling. Then-
“Gojo! Your girl is here!” It was Kuna’s voice.
gojo furrowed his eyebrows. His.. girl?
He stumbled up, sprinting down the stairs so fast he jumped down the last four, heart lodged in his throat as he eagerly popped up next to sukuna, eyes widening once they landed on you.
You.
In all your glory clad and comfy and so fucking cute in a swetashirt that was far too big - fuck was that his?- hair slightly messy but purposeful, lip caught in between your teeth. He froze, jaw dropped, eyes stuck on you like he'd never seen a woman in his life. Like a Victorian man seeing an ankle for the first time. His breath caught.
“Hi,” you spoke softly, cheeks warm and fingers fiddling with the hem of your- his hoodie.
He rubbed his eyes, unsure if he was dreaming or not. He thought of you so much that the idea that he was hallucinating you at this point was very plausible, that maybe you were a figment of his imagination-
Sukuna elbowed him, a grunt leaving gojos lips, murmuring “weirdo” before turning away.
“H-Hi,” his voice cracked, clearing his throat before trying again. “I mean, Hey.”
You rolled your eyes, playfully. Playfully.
She rolled her eyes at me playfully this time. She just-- she-
His mind was short circuiting.
“This Friday is the aquarium night event. Pick me up at 8.”
And just like that you turned on your heel. Didn't wait for a response, an emotion, nothing. But he understood perfectly fine. This was his last shot.
He spun on his feet, unsure of whether or not he should run after you or if he just made you up. He yelled out to sukuna who only smirked.
“Was she real??”
Those three days passed agonizingly slowly, yet all too fast. Gojo anxiously stood outside your door, palms sweaty and hands tugging at the neck of his collar to breathe. The biggest bouquet of flowers at the store clutched in his grip with an unintentional deadly vice, his best tux ironed to obsessive perfection (admittedly the first time he's ever ironed, he didn't even own one, asking every guy in the frat until one of his brothers mom offered to lend him one).
He spoke out loud quietly to himself, hand hovering over the door in a closed fist working up the courage to knock. “You got this, don't fuck this up, don't fuck this up even more, don't-”
Right under his fist the door swung open, both yours and gojos eyes widening equally in surprise. His cheeks flushed, opening his mouth to speak but the words died down in his throat as his eyes scanned you over. Like a moth to a flame he couldn't stop looking, eyes leaving a wake of goosebumps on your flesh everywhere they traced. Your cheeks burned.
He wasnt breathing, wasnt blinking, wasnt thinking- mind doing that brrrr numbing noise when he would see you but fuck.
You were stunning. The prettiest fucking thing that had ever blessed his eyes. Standing before him, just as shy, just as taken aback. The floor length gown you opted a blessing and a curse, hugging you so perfectly that gojo concluded that it quite literally had to be made for you. You were taller in your heels, hair done perfectly, makeup gracing your features and only accentuating your natural beauty. Oh he was so royally, completely, entirely, fucked.
He was embarrassingly nervous to be standing before you, to stand by your side when you looked like that. Fuck you were so out of his league.
You cleared your throat and for the first time, he blinked, shaking his head to clear his thoughts- or more so lack of.
“You look… you look stunning,” he finally spoke, watching as your gaze dropped to the floor, the tiniest of smiles making his heart thump.
“Thank you. You look very nice too.”
He beamed, exhaling, reminding himself to breathe. He must've died. Must've died and he was at the gates of heaven and fuck he didn't care if he was about to get turned away, at least he got to see you standing right in front of him and hed be damned if he didn't treat it like the best gift he had ever gotten.
He snapped back into reality, far too enthusiastically thrusting out his arm holding the flowers.
“I-I got you flowers.” say something else you idiot. “The, the prettiest ones in the store f-for the prettiest girl.” oh my god not that.
Gojo wanted to cringe, physically recoil at how fucking dumb he sounded.
You let out a small breathy laugh- he missed that sound so much- gently taking them from his grasp to put them in another vase, not paying attention to the way your fingers accidentally brushed against his, sending a jolt of electricity up his arms and through his body like a machine getting a much needed reboot. He was pathetic, so so pathetic and it was his greatest honor.
You came back, the pink red blush softly painted on your cheeks made him want to bite his fist and he wasnt sure if it was cuteness aggression or the fact you just looked so fucking edible.
“Ready.”
The two of you slowly strolled through the aquarium, arm laced through his while you admired the animals and he admired you. It was laughable how obvious he was, eyes unable to stray. Hundreds of couples flowed and ebbed around you, an overwhelming amount of waiters offering food and more food and champagne every thirty seconds. The tension was painful, you and gojo downing two flutes each as soon as entering the event.
Small talk at first was difficult, Gojo rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment when he asked if he mentioned how beautiful you looked for the umpteenth time that night. You smiled, blushed, but the tiny inklings of doubt and fear circulated in your head, questioning if he really meant it this time.
You both lingered around tanks, drinking more and more flutes of champagne, becoming more and more relaxed as the night continued. Jokes started flowing easier, hearts forming in gojos eyes when you threw your head back to laugh when he accidentally knocked over an entire serving platter from a waiter's hand.
This was the iconic fratboy?? Making a fool of himself?
He would've cringed, scowled at himself if it weren't for the way you looked, finally allowing your guard to loosen and the champagne to take hold, poking fun at him and asking if this was his first time out in public. He stupidly grinned, teeth and all, cheeks burning pink.
The night only got better from there. Gojo gleamed as a worker introduced you to penguins, whipping out his phone to take photos of you smiling and laughing. Then you were petting a sting ray- a photo of you quietly squeaking when you touched the slimy creature. Later on a photo of you gasping as you pet a dolphin, stars in your eyes and amazement unmasked. You with a sea otter “awwing,” you backing away from gators, you pointing at the big bellied sea lions, you-
“Thank you Gojo. For the tickets, I- I really don't know how you got them, and the price, I don't know what to say.”
The tank was cold beneath your touch, finger feathers lightly tracing the glass that housed colorful jelly fish. The room was dark, save for the glow of the bright sea creatures that reflected in your eyes. You couldn't look away from them. Gojo couldn't look away from you.
The response was immediate, without a doubt. “Don't say thank you. I-..” he swallowed. He didn't know what else to say, knowing sorry would never be enough.
“Sukuna said he was sorry when I went by. Said what he did was pussy shit. When I agreed and said I didn't forgive him, he smirked and said good.” You stayed facing the tank, voice tight and blunt, but not unkind. Purely factual.
Gojo slumped, hands shoving into his pockets, preparing himself for you to end everything for once and for all. His saliva was thick, relaxed state leaving him and anxiousness creeping in. He stupidly hoped for something more, knowing he didn't deserve it from the start. But knowing never made handling the truth any easier.
Silence hung heavy in the air.
Gojo cleared his throat, quiet and nervous. He chewed on his bottom lip, fingers playing with a loose thread in his pocket. “I know you're sick of me saying it. But i am so sorry y/n. I wish I could take it back, but I know I can't." He itched for another glass of champagne. “Im just,” gojo huffed an airy laugh that was more so a sigh of disbelief. “Just so thankful, that you- that you let me come with you tonight. A-and see you.”
A faint hum was your only response.
“C-can i show you something?” he whispered.
You turned, hair framing your face perfectly from where your hands had run through it throughout the night, eyes shiny but bright, and gojo could feel his heart stop, or maybe it was just beating so fast that there was no separation of a beat. “Okay.”
Before he could overthink it and more than ready to accept the sting of rejection, he quickly but hesitantly brought his hand towards yours, lacing his large one in yours. Tears almost welled in his eyes when you didn't pull away. “Come on.”
“Holy shit,” the words came out unintentionally, eyes wide in awe and jaw slack once your eyes landed on the aquarium's new massive whale shark as it freely swam inside the gigantic tank, other fishes and creatures accompanying it in its rounds.
Gojos palm was embarrassingly sweaty in yours and he felt unsteady on his legs as if he was standing on unsolid ground. Maybe this was stupid, so stupid and you'd hate it. He was starting to regret it.
A worker near the tank spoke into a mic, excited and grinning big. “-Our newest edition! Everybody meet y/n the whale shark!”
You gasped in equal joy and shock, a genuine smile appearing on your face for what felt like, no it quite literally was, the first time in over a month. You spoke aloud, maybe to yourself, maybe to gojo.
“Hah! That is so funny that they named it that- what are the odds??”
As soon as the words left your mouth, your eyebrows were already furrowing, body already turning to gojo who looked ghastly and sick on his feet, hand rubbing the back of his neck and skin flushed the brightest you'd ever seen it. He had mentioned wanting you to check it out in the letter, wanted to show you now, looked so nervous… why would he be so..?
“Gojo?”
He didn't look at you, mouth straight and eyes forward. He hummed, but the pitch was too high, too anxious as if he was awaiting some sort of reaction. How would that even work…?
“Gojo…” His eyes scanned the room, fluttered left and right awkwardly, anywhere but you. Your heart stopped, hairs standing on the back of your neck, of your arms, mouth suddenly dry as if you hadn't been drinking the entire night.
“Gojo you didn't…” and he was facing you suddenly, eyes wild, tugging you closer and grabbing both of your hands to hold in his, thumbs swiping back and forth not to soothe you but an anxious tick to soothe himself.
“Fuck, I know it was dumb wasnt it? God- I knew it was stupid, b-but I wasn't thinking, or I was, and I just thought, just thought-” You cut him off, pieces fully falling into place and jaw dropping in unadulterated shock.
“You named a whale shark after me???”
He let go of your hands to pace, fingers curling into tight fists. “Fuck I know, why would I do that? I thought maybe a star named after you would be cool? But-but I just- you know, y-you love the aquarium and I had been researching and saw they were rescuing a whale shark that didn't have a name yet- so i emailed and called and came in and donated, and- and, okay basically maybe begged, but hey, at least I get a plaque now right? Well you get a plaque, I put the donation in your name-”
Your jaw was on the floor, watching the most nonchalant notorious cool fratboy who was known for just that be anything but, frantically pace and throw his hands all over the place as he rambled on and on and on about how he named an entire whale shark after you.
You blinked hard, again and again, wondering when you'd wake up, wondering when gojo would snap his fingers in front of your face and tell you you were just day dreaming. You couldn't believe what you were hearing.
“You named a whale shark after me…”
At once he stopped, turning to you completely exasperated and arms finally falling by his side in defeat as if you'd hate the idea and chew him out for it, as if you could ever hate the idea. He named a fucking whale shark after you.
“Yes.”
Immediately, like all things gojo seemed to be best at making you do, your eyes filled to the brim with tears. His hands found your cheeks, thumbs moving to swipe under your waterline as he panicked. “No, no, no, wait- don't cry, that bad huh? Fuck, it was supposed to make you happy-”
Your fingers tightly gripped his wrists, biting your lip to stifle and quiet your cries thankful the worker and surrounding couples had moved along. “I… I am, that does make me happy.”
Like a weight that had been lifted from his chest for the first time in weeks, Gojo physically relaxed, shoulders slumping in relief. He gently pulled the two of you closer to the tank, eyes solely interested in you as if there wasn't a gigantic whale shark swimming right next to him, as if you were the only thing worth watching, as if he didn't want to blink in case he might miss something.
You sniffled, small laugh hiccuping out of you. “That is s-so silly..” he was nodding along with your words, palms resuming their once rightful place on your cheeks and now the only thing running through his mind was that if he was ever so lucky to be gifted another chance that he would never take it for granted ever again in his life, never take you for granted.
“I am so in love with you Y/n, you have no idea.”
His mouth frowned at the slightest flash of sadness in your eyes, corners crinkling as more tears silently streamed down your cheeks. “Ill keep showing you I'm sorry for as long as you let me and god im fucking sorry. You are the best thing thats happened to me and i know none of its enough, none of it compares to how i hurt and destroyed your trust in me, b-but fuck I love you,” he spoke softly, yet urgent and severe and he hated the inkling of hope that sprinkled in his chest, the fear and pain that came along with thinking he might not be so hopeless after all. It only made it worse.
“I..” his heart seized in his chest as he waited for you to finish. “I don't forgive you gojo.” and he felt his heart crack, felt everything in him completely ache and throb and the tightness of his throat burned so painfully he wasn't sure if he'd be able to hold back the sob that threatened to leave him. He licked his lips, nodding his head to your response and dropping his hands, tears readying to leave his own. The worst of it all was understanding, was agreeing with your decision.
“Y-yeah, yeah-” It’s all he could whisper, all he could muster. But then a hand reached out for his own, fingers lacing through his once more. He wanted to yank it out, not out of spite, not to be rude, but he was on the cusp of shattering. Didn't want you to see him wail like a toddler in the aquarium, figured you weren't vengeful enough to want to watch it though you had every right to be.
‘B-but... that doesnt mean that one day I wont…I just- I need time, but I think, maybe… I'd be willing to try…” you breathed, gaze flickering back to him, to the floor, to the whale shark he fucking named after you, back to bright blue eyes that looked at you as if you were the air he breathed, the oxygen in his lungs.
A tear dropped down his cheek and he felt his body restart. Felt every function in his body like a car being hot wired and suddenly he was working all over again, electricity shooting through every single muscle, tendon, organ.
A squeal left your lips, strong arms suddenly wrapped fully around your middle as you were snatched up and spun around, hands braced against his shoulder as broken fits of laughter flew out of you.
He was in disbelief, he was in awe, he was dreaming, he was everything you weren't and you were everything he wasn't and he was excited, so hopeful, peppering your cheeks and face with kisses as if he just won the lottery- no, no this was better, this was so much better.
“Satoru, stop!” but you were giggling, you were giggling and gently pushing him back, but at the first syllable of his name that you hadn't said in so long, he just couldn't find it in himself to physically peel himself away. You were everything and more and satoru gojo was the greediest man alive.
You could hear the smile on his face. The intensity at which he spoke, the genuineness in his words and actions.
“Fuck- I love you I love you I love you, you wont regret this, youre gonna be my wife and ill make it up to you every single day from now on, thank you thank you-” the words slightly muffled as he continued planting delicate kisses over your face.
You wouldn't kiss him just yet, despite wanting nothing more than to feel his soft ones against yours.
Baby steps.
You laughed, shy but not fearful, eyebrows shooting up your forehead at his admission and eagerness. “Lets start with one day at a time, yeah?”
Gojo finally pulled back, palms finding their now rightful place on your warmed cheeks, tucking the fallen hair behind your ears. He bit his lip, grinning so wide his face hurt.
Heartbroken and destroyed, you’re set on never seeing that stupid white haired boy ever again. Gojo makes that impossible.
fratboy!gojo x f!reader
notes: WOW WOW WOW! I've been out of town so im sooo sorry for taking so long to update and leaving u guys hanging! i was not expecting that much engagement AT ALL SO THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH! but im also super duper nervous bc im not crazy about this one :') so a little nervous it might not meet expectations</3. Also might have lied about a different ending- we shall see but i took so long with this i didn't want to make u guys wait any longer so sorry if it wasnt what you wanted! also hope you guys don't think reader is too big of a cry baby, she's just sad and in love:(
warnings: angst and heartbreak, comfort, happy ending (eye roll jkjk), reader and gojo not taking care of them selves, self neglect for sure, cursing, mentions of throw up and alcohol, um um, reader and gojo basically just existing and hating life
Part 1 here
Credit to @uzmacchiato for the divider!!
For weeks, the old but familiar cycle repeated. The dreaded feeling that you would never be able to shake off seemed to follow you wherever you went, no matter what path you followed in life, no matter who you met.
You stayed cooped up in your apartment, finding a temporary solace in the four walls. They wouldn't speak, wouldn't judge you for wallowing in your emotions and crying yourself sick.
The ache in your heart never seemed to subside. It was persistent, constantly reminding you of everything you tried so hard to forget.
You so badly wanted to prove to yourself that you were stronger than this, wanted to walk into class the following week with your head held high and pretend that you were just fine- even if it was just pretend.
But you couldn't.
Everything felt so incredibly difficult and brutal. Time taunted you, moving in slow motion yet simultaneously in the blink of an eye, sunrises transitioning into sunsets while you spent your days in bed drained of energy and dreaming of cerulean blue eyes.
Body, mind and soul feeling as if they were weighed down with cinder blocks and you were drowning.
Your heart had been completely shattered, broken into a million fragments and the idea of healing felt akin to finding a needle in a hay sack. Hopeless. Futile. Impossible. A puzzle with too many missing pieces.
Your mind was the worst, the temporary comfort exactly that. No where felt safe, the four walls turning into nothing but a tool to only make you feel more suffocated.
You could go anywhere to escape gojo, but you could never escape yourself.
Never escape the way you replayed the words he spoke to his friends, the way he looked at you, the way he cried, or the way he told you that he was in love with you.
Everytime you shut your eyes, his would find you.
You started skipping your classes after that, started skipping everything actually. Daily little walks to clear your mind, little coffee pick me ups, meals- it all ended. You were a shell of a person now, unable to put back together your own pieces.
No. Gojo had really taken a toll on you, really pushed you past a limit you didn't know existed.
And the worst part of it all was that you were still in love with him, still missed him and the way he'd distract you in class or grab your hand just to drag you somewhere while you playfully put up a fight. The way his stupid blue eyes seemed to light up at you just the way yours did at him. The way he made you feel.
And it was brutal, unnecessarily ruthless the way your mind plagued you when you thought of his lips and the night he kissed you. So cool, yet boyish and slightly clumsy as if gojo too was nervous, as if he truly didn't want to mess it up.
But each time your mind cursed you with a perfect little memory, it was shut down with the images from that night.
You had stumbled home after, purely driven by your grief induced rage, vision blurred from the tears that were constantly filling your eyes and painting your cheeks.
But arriving home to your lonely apartment was no better. Throwing up alone snotty, sweaty, and gross was absolutely horrible- and ignoring the messages and phone calls that bombarded your phone was nearly impossible.
The alcohol settled further into your bones and your drunkenness multiplied but you didn't have the guts to block him just yet- torturing yourself further when you began to listen to the voicemails he left while you desperately clung to the sides of your toilet sobbing and hurling.
You ignored them of course, sloppily brushing your teeth and crawling on top of your sheets, drunkenly throwing off your clothes but not caring to wash the make up off your face or the gravel fully out of your palms.
Then you proceeded to sob so hard you had to throw up again until finally you cried yourself to sleep. And when you woke up with swollen eyes, a scratchy throat and a pounding headache, praying with all your might that it was a nightmare, you realized it wasn't, your sober self having to go through the entire cycle again of processing what had happened, the heart break, the humiliation- everything.
You were slow to block his number, tormenting yourself the few days after that night as you religiously watched his texts flood in, spamming you with apologies and this and that and the ways he would change and loved you and wanted you and it was masochistic and everything you never hoped for and why couldn't you tear your eyes away? Why did knowing what he had done to you make it no less harder to think about him?
Being vulnerable and desperate with a visceral want to be loved angered you far more than he ever could.
And still, you let yourself think of him lovingly and kindly, and there, because god you would be a liar if you said you didn't miss him and everything he was, and the way he smelled and smiled and existed.
And still, losing Satoru felt like the only light in your life had been snuffed out, and you didn't care if it was pathetic because it was so undeniably painful and true and ignoring that fact would be a lie through gritting teeth.
You wanted to hate him. You knew you couldn't.
And amongst your tears of self loathing and hatred, you cursed the way you loved so loudly and deeply. The most twisted thing of it all.
With him blocked, your phone was dead silent. The quiet was loud.
You weren't sure how long you stayed in bed after that. Always exhausted as soon as you woke up feeling void of life that the white haired boy had given you. merely reduced to an organism that could only breathe.
But with timing and the world so happily on your side, you were gifted with finals and exams during your period of heartbreak, the ultimate stake in your heart. Your grades had already plummeted from your lack of attendance and half assed assignments and despite spending the last few weeks wallowing in your self pity instead of studying, you knew the least you could do was at least show up to the final exams- even if he would be there.
Rubbing your eyes with a sniffle, you forced your body to move, willing every deteriorated muscle to act. to put on clothes that weren't pajamas and to try and behave like a normal functioning being.
There was no motivation, but a small determination to take a step out of your apartment for the first time in who knows when.
You'd walk to the library, distract yourself with studying- spend the remainder of the week drowning yourself in work to pass your finals just enough so that you'd still pass all your classes and when that was over, you’d let yourself suffocate in the thought of him all over again, but for now- you had to do this.
Throwing on a hoodie that was not his- why would he have given you so many t-shirts and hoodies if you were just a bet, was he just expecting to ask for them back after he pranked you?- you begrudgingly readied yourself to the bare minimum, yanking the door open to begin your dreaded walk.
Eyebrows furrowing in confusion, your eyes landed on a handful of envelopes that laid on your doormat- slightly dirtied and weathered and you wondered just how long they'd been sitting there.
You shakily exhaled, nerves bubbling in your throat as trembling fingers picked up a total of at least five envelopes, all bare save for your name simply written in the middle of each, all in different handwriting. You looked around, retreating back into your apartment to hastily rip them open, curiosity getting the better of you as you were unsure of what person (multiple people?) you knew who were writing you letters and leaving them at your door step.
You pulled out the first letter, concentration written on your face as you scanned it over, not reading the content yet but just staring in pure confusion and then-
Your jaw felt slightly slack, eyes widening. You opened the next, and the next and the next, words unread but eyes falling on all the separate letters from Gojo and his friends and frat brothers. All written lengthy apologies from Gojo, Geto, Sukuna, Fushiguro, a couple other names you didn't know but must have been involved with the bet.
Your fingers clutched the papers, catching certain paragraphs and biting your lip to once again hold tears back.
-didn't even know who you were and we did that to you. Guess thats why we felt like we could do it, as fucked up as that sounds. Gojo’s making us all write these apology letters to you and I hate saying sorry, but I am- we are all sorry. We’re just a bunch of assholes who thought it would be fun to fuck around with him and I guess you too, so yeah. Im sorry for being a part of it and hurting you, even if ive never talked to you. And wow that sounds really bad. Also, Gojo was telling the truth even though he lied at the party, another brother really did grab your gifts from him to throw it away, but tbh those cookies looked really good so I was gonna grab the container after anyways but asshole gojo got to it first. What type of cookies were those? Do you think-
You rolled your eyes automatically, hurriedly glancing away from sukuna’s letter to skim fushiguros.
-frat pres is so fucking annoying and gojos up there too. Sorry for hurting your feelings, we really did just want to fuck around and did think it was funny but damn I actually feel bad. So I'm sorry for that. It wasn't as funny as we thought. Think you could forgive his annoying ass and make some more cookies? Fucker grabbed the container before-
Then geto’s.
-Y/n I'm sorry that I was kind to your face and then let this happen behind your back. And not just let it happen but participated. You have always been a very nice girl and we took advantage of who you were for a laugh, and I swear to you that no one is laughing. You didn't deserve any of that and we don't deserve any of your kindness or forgiveness. I know I have no right to say, but Ive never seen Satoru like this and ive known him for years. I promise you that the bet was not his idea, that he shouldn't have gone along with it of course but none of us were thinking, we didn't know that you would be you-
You angrily huffed, tossing the letters onto your counter and refusing to read the rest of them and certainly not Gojos. Why did it matter if it wasn't his idea? Okay so what if he didn't throw your things out and was planning on getting them after, he still- you slammed your eyes shut, throat beginning to burn as tears welled up in your eyes.
He still did it, still said all that shit in front of everybody. Still lied to your face even when he was supposedly in love with you.
“Fuck you gojo,” you whispered to yourself, annoyingly wiping away the wetness in your eyes with the back of your palm. His letter remained unopened on the counter practically begging for you to read it and like every action did now, it took everything in you to leave it and walk out the door
The trek to the library was uneventful, slow and quiet as you pushed forward with anger in your veins. Your face was concealed by your overly large hood and headphones, staring at the cracks in the sidewalk.
“Y/n.”
You froze on instinct, ice shooting through your veins as your body betrayed you, the entrance of the library laid just up ahead taunting and laughing.
Prickles of heat stabbed alongside your neck and the saliva in your mouth grew sticky and gelatinous, hard to swallow as you attempted to focus on breathing in through your nose, out through your mouth.
“y/n,” the familiar tone that you had once loved, spoke the syllables of your name so softly, so light you hoped you had imagined it. So much emotion laced through and over and around the word that you never wanted to hear it again.
But that would be too easy on you, a too great display of mercy casted onto you by the universe.
You braced yourself, slowly turning and unintentionally, your mouth gaped, gaze landing on a very disheveled sick looking gojo who looked every bit like a heartbroken boy. You clearly weren't the only one skipping meals.
The words landed in an instant without thought, claws out, nails sharp.
“Leave me alone,” you spat, making your break for the library but his hand caught your wrist in a gentle but firm hold, electricity shooting up your arm and you screamed to yourself to ignore it, that it wasn't what you thought.
“Please, please y/n, I know i don't deserve it but just give me a minute-”
“For what? Think you can get in my pants that quick and win your stupid bet? I don't want anything to do with you.” The words burned as you spewed the hate and spat venom, so unlike you and it only served to anger you more. You didn't feel any better being mean to him, didn't feel good or victorious watching the features on his pretty and now sunken in face contort into hurt.
Fuck, it only hurt you more. Only made you want to take it back. Teeth tore into your bottom lip, eyes diverting anywhere but at him. But you didn't move. Let him grip you and hold your wrist, and you hated the familiarity and comfort that came with the touch. You were pitiful.
“How did you even know I'd be here?” the question flew from your lips before you could properly think about it, eyes focusing on the bob of his throat as he swallowed.
“I.. I didn't. You haven't been in lecture a-and I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable by showing up at y-yours.. I’ve just been,” Gojo glanced away for a brief second, pale skin flushing a pretty pink. “I’ve been waiting outside the library everyday in case… in case you'd come.”
Your mouth opened, then shut, unable to find the words to respond to his unexpected statement you only thought could be a bluff. Another lie just to get you to forgive him. “For what, three weeks?”
He nodded, hesitant and shy, as if the fact might annoy you, looking anything but like the notorious campus fratboy and instead so childish. “Im so sorry y/n. Please, can we talk? Do you want coffee? I'm so sorry, I miss- I miss you so much, I feel like i c-cant function with out you and I meant it, I'm so in love with you-”
“Gojo.” You stopped him, fingers curling in on themselves to painfully dig into your palms, to try and ground yourself with anything but what could only be deceitful words.
His voice was breaking, hoarse and gravely as if he'd been crying too, rambling the words out like he knew you were about to leave him and he only had a few seconds to say what he needed to but he couldn't- there wasn't enough time to for him to tell you how sorry he was, not enough hours in this lifetime for him to prove how guilty he felt, or how desperately he begged to take it all back. He was a mess, and anybody could see. He knew it wasnt about him and his feelings, knew and deserved the pain he felt after what he did to you, but fuck he couldn't eat. Couldn't do much more than you.
He kept spamming your number with texts, hoping the green would turn to blue, kept ringing your number. Kept going to lecture in case there was a chance he might see you. But fuck if he didn't look and feel like shit.
“Don't. say. that-”
“But it's true y/n, i love you, i cant stop thinking about you, I wish i could take it all back, It wasn't a bet anymore it was real- it was all real,” Gojo spoke voice shaking and adamant, the first sign of his old spark making a display.
If there was anything he was unyielding about, it was his attempt at making it known to you that his love for you was real. “Y-you don't need to love me back thats-thats okay, just know I love you. I love you-”
“Stop saying that!” You seethed, eyes watering as he kept repeating the phrase that made you feel physically ill, like you might just vomit if he spoke the lie again. It didn't matter. None of it mattered if he loved you and you loved him, it didn't matter anymore. You shook off his grip that you had forgotten was on you, abruptly turning to make your way inside as you kept your head down, praying your tears wouldn't fall just yet.
“Did you get the letters?” He called out from behind you.
You paused, refusing to turn, grinding your molars, feeling like shit and thinking of a final blow that could hurt him. You wanted him to hurt. You didn't want to hurt him. You wanted him to hurt. You didn't want to hurt him. Who was this person you were becoming?
“Fuck your letters. It's basic empathy that you all feel bad. You'll never come close to understanding how I feel,” and in the reflection of the building's glass windows, you watched the way his shoulders slumped, the way his head dropped to his chest in defeat, ruffled white hair strewn all over the place.
For once, the bright boy looked exceptionally dull, clad in a now too big black hoodie and sweats, radiant blue eyes fizzed out into a soft blue, pale undereyes now decorated with large purple bags.
You bit your tongue wanting nothing more than to tell him you didn't mean it, that you did- but not quite like that. Wanted to run your fingers through his hair and undercut, over his sharp and perfect features and accept his apology, get some food in him and make sure he got a proper night's rest.
Your chin wobbled, lips trembling, mind deceiving you and urging you to just turn back and look at him. There was nothing you wanted more than to give in, every synapse firing telling you to just do it.
you sped forward before your body could betray you once more, beelining it to the women's restroom where you could freely sob, heart breaking all over again as you hurt the boy you loved back. Knowing he deserved it did nothing to soothe you. You loved him too much.
Gojo respected your distance. For the time being at the library.
When you walked out hours later, sun long gone and campus streetlights projecting soft yellow glows as the quiet hum of the outdoors enveloped you, you felt somewhat successful. At least you had tried.
You would have sped walked home, if not for the familiar head of hair that poked out from under a black hood. Gojo, on the bench, outside the library.
You scoffed lightly to yourself, preparing to book it past him before he noticed it was you, but what didn't go unnoticed by him? He was always oddly infuriatingly attentive to everything, which would have been great if.. Well.
“W-wait, y/n! Are you- are you hungry, did you eat? You were in there for hours and-”
His voice was a catalyst to your anger. You spun to face him, ready to chew him out, patience long gone. Gojo, bothersome and persistent and maddening and beautiful, already walking towards you, already there.
“Really Gojo? Haven't you done enough? Was lying to my face not enough that you have to keep following me around and messing with me? I don't- I don't care okay? I just want you to leave me alone, please. What don't you get? Your game is over, so please, stop doing this, the prize cannot be that good,” Your edge was sharp and frustrated, emotions bubbling over like a perfectly planned volcanic eruption as the words stumbled out of you.
“Yes,” the words tore from him just as frustrated, just as hopeless, hands running through his white strands in an attempt to ground himself, to gather his thoughts. “Yes, the bet- the game whatever- it's all over- been over, and yes,” he pleaded, hands reaching out towards you but you quickly stepped back avoiding his touch, ignoring the hurt that flashed across his face. “Yes, I've done enough- but I can't, I won't stop telling you i love you, please believe me-”
Rage fizzed up inside of you, bringing your palms up to shove at his chest, just as you had done that night. It was infuriating, it was aggravating, being taunted by something- someone you wanted so bad yet couldn't have, by someone who was so close yet needed to be kept at arms length.
“Ugh! You don't love me Gojo!” You spoke over him, ignoring the persistent nod of his head as the words I do Im so in love you I do tumbled from his clearly overbitten red lips. “You don't- don't do what you did to someone you like, let alone love!” your voice broke, staring at him incredulously. “I liked you so much. Don't you get that?” The end of the sentence wasn't hastily spewed anymore, it was slow but urgent, a plea for him to understand the severity at which he hurt you.
“Y-you guys purposefully picked me, because- because you knew that i was a loner and had no friends o-or whatever, and still, you dragged me along, made me- made me fall in lo-” a choked noise cut you off and you whipped your head to the side to break eye contact, not wanting him to see the pain you were in, not wanting to be weak before him. It felt like a humiliation ritual all over again.
You inhaled a deep breath, swallowing to ease the tightness of your throat, to blink back the wetness in your eyes. “Each day you saw me, you went back to your friends and knew what you were doing, while the entire time, I thought- I thought I was just lucky, that finally- maybe I deserved something good, t-that maybe I did deserve someone as good as you.”
Gojo stayed silent absorbing your words, street lights reflecting in the glossiness of his eyes. His chest rose and fell rapidly, jaw muscle twitching every second. For once, he didn't interrupt you, just listened to the damage he knew he had done.
“And then I was so excited to see you- I didn't care if it was a party or if your friends were there I just- I just wanted to see you,” you sighed, briefly shutting your eyes to work up the courage to say what made you feel so sick, so unwanted. “And then there you were in front of everybody, b-because, again, you're someone! Everyone wants to be near you! And you just-” your breath hitched as you relived the scene, could physically feel your heart plummet all over again and the shudder that racked through your body as you pictured him standing there.
Your shoulders dropped as you loudly exhaled, unable to say the words aloud that replayed in your head and kept you up at night. “Everybody wants to be around you, or talk to you, o-or be friends with you Gojo. You don't know what it's like to have never had that, and then to hear the guy you lo- the guy you like- speak so…” you groaned, hands momentarily covering your eyes and throwing your head back in embarrassment. “Like I'm just- just this thing, like I don't have actual feelings, I just,” you paused before finally meeting his eyes again, all wide and starry, glassy and beautiful with tears. “I just can't get it out of my head.”
Silence hung around the both of you as the two of you stood mere feet away, imperfect yet perfect reflections of the other. Both completely hurt and devastated, both torn and beaten down for the same reasons yet not at all. It would be easy to forgive and forget, so easy. Especially when he stood with all his glory looking so unwell and defeated but of course, so frustratingly perfect even at the worst times. Even when he was wrong and felt so right..
Your tongue ran along the back of your teeth, poking the inside of your cheek as you waited, unsure for what.
“I am so sorry, y/n,” he whispered, a tear breaking tension and dropping down his cheek.
You sniffled, nodded, staring.
“I know,” you whispered, and walked by him, stifling the sobs that threatened to burst out of you
When you woke the next morning, you were once again faced with the fact that you would not be spared from the clutches of gojo who was seemingly intent on making it very clear that getting over him would be the most difficult task. ever.
There were dozens of flowers outside your door, a sign of gojo's unfortunate persistence and dedication. You cursed him, convincing yourself that you were bringing them inside for just a moment before you'd shove them in the trash.
But they were spider lilys, your favorite and so hard to find.
You racked your brain for how he knew, chalking it up to a lucky guess. but then your memory, ever so cruel, reminded you. Flashed you the thought of how you had once told him in an off handed random conversation months ago…
and he had just… remembered?
You rolled your eyes, willing the thought away, willing him out of your head and somewhere far far away, but your hands were already moving, already filling a vase- several vases with water. He didn't have to know you kept them. They were just flowers. Just your favorites.
It didn't mean anything, and it certainly didn't mean you were any closer to forgiving him.
Gojo didn't show at the library for the remainder of the week. Not that you noticed. Not that you cared.
More goodies had mysteriously shown up on your doorstep, ranging from coffee with the words “I love you,” written in sharpie on the plastic or breakfast from your favorite diner (more apologies written on the bag that you refused to read) to the matcha dragon jellycat with a pink bow on the head, that you had absolutely no idea how he knew you'd been wanting- or how he was able to get his hands on it considering it'd been sold out for months.
You kept it of course, not wanting to punish the stuffed animal for his actions, but your forgiveness would not be bought. You were surprised he at least had the composure and maturity to not bang on your door.
It was the last night before finals, and it was just your luck that it was pouring furiously as you stepped out of the library at two in the morning. You worriedly stood under the awning in almost pitch black darkness, the campus streetlights doing little to nothing to illuminate what would be a horrible walk back as you watched every single tree bend over backwards from the sheer amount of wind force.
You groaned, nervously chewing on your thumb nail as you racked your brain on what you could possibly do, so past exhausted and wanting nothing more than to call it quits and climb into your bed.
“Hey.”
You gasped, eyebrows shooting up your forehead and whipping around to see what potential threat might be facing you, surprisingly visibly relaxing when your eyes landed on none other than gojo. Of course.
A hand raised to clutch the fabric over your heart, exhaling in relief when you realized you weren't about to get kidnapped.
“Holy shit you scared me,” you breathed, moreso to yourself than him, fear catching you off guard for a moment that you didn't immediately curse at him. You didn't say more, letting the thunder and pitter patter of the rain fill the heavy silence, didn't ask what he was doing there.
Gojo stood awkward, almost out of place. Hand in his pocket and other lightly gripping around the handle of an umbrella that went clearly unused by him. Damp strands of snow white hair stuck to his forehead and wet clothes clung to his body. He looked so pretty just standing under the awnings flickering lights, eyes somewhat unfocused but glued on you, and you had to force yourself to look away, could practically feel the blush creeping up your neck at how pretty he looked.
It seemed as if your body would continue to betray you.
“Can I take you home?” He asked softly, cerulean eyes filled with a glimmer of hope shining at you.
“Nope. It's fine, I can wait. I'm sure it'll be done soon.” blunt and final. Gojo's heart raced at the lack of venom as if it was a sign. Sure you were uninterested, but you didn't immediately tell him to leave you alone. It meant absolutely nothing, yet to him it meant everything- meant light at the end of a tunnel, a stray getting a taste of food after having been starved. His heart raced in his chest, words catching in his throat. He could play it cool, not beg, not repeat himself over and over again like he'd been doing, just try to do enough yet not too much to just get you with him for a few minutes one more time.
“It's after 2 y/n, we've got our final tomorrow and it's pouring. I know you're tired, just let me take you home. Please.”
You rolled your eyes to yourself, exhaling and contemplating his words in your head, cursing every upper power for their unwillingness to toss you a bone.
Do you suffer for the ten minute car ride and get home and go to sleep, or wait here for lord knows how long to just sprint home, maybe get caught in the rain anyways with all your papers and laptop in your bag in the pitch black- you groaned quietly. It was a no brainer.
“This means nothing. I'm serious, Gojo.”
The smallest of smiles creeped on his features, the corner of his lips turning up ever so slightly, and along with one of the prettiest grins you've ever seen came the embarrassingly increasing pounding of your broken heart. You regretted it as soon as he stepped closer, hating the way he made you fluster even after shattering your heart.
“Come on, I'm parked this way,” and right away his free hand reached for the strap of your bag, tugging it down your arm and slinging it over his shoulder, opening the umbrella and positioning it directly over your head before guiding you out into the rain. You opened your mouth in protest, but he was too fast, ultimately deciding to just keep your mouth shut to get it all over with.
The two of you sped walked in the rain, dodging puddles to the best of your abilities and your heart ached painfully at what could have been. The moment was mocking, undeniably sweet.
An unintentional squeal shot out of your mouth when a particular violent gush of wind suddenly sent the umbrella inside out, both of you getting momentarily soaked- or well, mainly just you. Gojo didn't fit under, choosing to just hold it over you and was already looking like he had jumped in a pool.
You couldn't hold back the bubble of laughter that rolled out of you watching gojo curse and spew apologies at you getting wet as he frantically tried to fix the umbrella. His curses turned into chuckles and as soon as it was fixed, the laughter died down into awkward silence, your cheeks burning and a new wave of sadness crashing as the two of you walked side by side. You knew this was a bad idea.
He opened the passenger side of his far too fancy car, a small murmured “thank you,” reluctantly falling past your lips as you watched him run to his side, blasting the heater once situated. For a beat, you both said nothing, sitting in the idling car while a tsunami stormed around you.
He cleared his throat. “Are you warm enough?”
“Yes.”
“Good, good, that's good.” He spoke too fast, sounded too eager. The car stayed parked, Gojo flexing his fingers in his lap, adams apple bobbing as he nervously swallowed. Fuck was he neverous? He didn't want to fuck this up- okay well he was already so past that, he didn't want to fuck things up more, which surely by now would just be impossible. He's just missed you so, so much, still pathetically texting your number everyday incase he wasnt blocked anymore, racking his brain for any other way to show you he's sorry and means it, that he-
“Gojo.”
“Yes?” He's immediately swiveling his head towards you, thoughts interrupted, eyes wide and mouth gaped at what you might say. The yes sounds more like a plea than anything, a beg for you to talk. You spoke to him and it didn't sound like you were going to curse him, what is it what is it what is it??
“Take me home.”
His shoulders deflated, embarrassment creeping up his neck and hope now a mere fleeting thought. What was he thinking?
“Right! Um- yes sorry, of course, my bad,” He mentally cursed at how awkward he was acting and fuck if it didn't sting, but it was everything and more that he deserved.
No music, no talking, just the white noise of the rain and occasional clap of thunder, mixed in with the heat blasting from the vents. He parked outside your apartment building, mustering the courage to try and speak before you could escape. He had ten minutes to think, to scrounge up anything and suddenly his mind was entirely blank except for just you. Just you looking far too pretty exhausted and wet at two am, sitting in his car, right in front of him. Was this real? Was he imagining you?
You spoke first, already unbuckling your seatbelt, eyes staring straight through the windshield. “No more flowers. No more gifts. No more anything. This-” you motioned between yourself and gojo. “Whatever this is- was- no more. Done. Thank you for driving me home, but no more.”
The words burned as you forced them out, every thought in your mind telling you nononono.
“T-theyre from uh, they're not just from me, from the guys too, I'm telling you y/n, I’m sorry- we are all really sorry,” Gojo whispered, entire body turned towards you in case he'd be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of your eyes. You were so close, yet so far away, and he had no one to blame but himself.
“I don't care who they're from, that's-thats not the point, okay?” Your voice raised, tone laced with frustration and annoyance. How could you possibly get over him if he was just so damn persistent? Why did he have to try so fucking hard? “Just leave me alone-”
“I cant y/n, I cant. I- I tried, I've tried to respect your words and give you distance but I can't okay?” He knew he was being pathetic, but he just didn't have it in him to care anymore.
“I physically fucking hurt, and I know, It will never compare to how you feel- to what I did to you but fuck-” his features were contorted into a pained look that you had never seen before, never wanted to see in the first place.
You faced him, regret taking hold of every action and thought as you could practically feel the want to give in increase more and more. The look of distraught, the anguish, everything that should have never touched him completely coated him and you had to dig your fingers into your pants to keep from reaching out. You internally begged for him to stop, to just stop fucking speaking, to stop making you think and think and think. But when has Gojo ever stopped??
“I can't stop thinking about you, you're my first thought in the morning and last thought at n-night- I.. I cant function without you and I miss you so so much, just please- please you're all I think about and I mean it when i say it was real, it was all real- Fuck, it never and i mean it never felt like a joke or some bet, I knew I was fucked as soon as I started talking to you- I liked you and and I fucking love you- like theres, theres this physical constricting in my chest when I think about you, when I think about how much I love you and- and,” Gojos head dropped to his chest, voice cracking and fingers curling into the fabric near his chest as if he was experiencing that ache, spewing the words so hastily he could only pray he was making sense.
He inhaled a deep breath, some lousy attempt at collecting his thoughts, raising his head to find your eyes on him, wide and glossy, nostrils flaring from the intensity of your breathing.
You were so beyond overwhelmed, unsure of what to do, what to say, if you should zone him out or listen, but it hurt and it hurt so much that you knew no amount of lying to yourself or to him would numb the agonizing ache in your chest.
“You don't have to love me. You don't have to forgive me, but please, just let me try. Ill spend the rest of my life making it up to you, but fuck Y/N, i have never felt this before. W-When I look at you- m-my brain just does this, this weird numbing thing like its just a buzz, l-like i cant think at all, I just- i just see you and,” he frustratingly ran his fingers through his wet strands, fingers pulling and tugging on the edge as anxiety and exasperation coursed through him.
“Fuck im just so in love with you,” his voice broke, pitch uneven and scratchy.
A tear streaked down his pale skin, and you sharply inhaled to hide your own. You could try to be strong, try to deny what you felt for him and pretend like you didn't need him, but you weren't exempt from the ache in your heart at his admission, couldn't just let his words roll off you like they didn't mean anything, when they meant everything, couldn't ignore the way he loved you when you loved him.
The entire situation was so fucked, such a dumb fucking cliche.
“I-I know my letter wasn't enough, that an explanation or guilt won't fix anything, that gifts don't mean anything” you stayed silent, didn't tell him you hadn't actually read his letter yet, that you couldn't. “but-but I just- I just need you- need to try to fix what I fucked up. You're so, so perfect,” he whispered the last sentence to himself, gaze dropping.
He was the one who did all of this, but you wouldn't be the only one to suffer.
You shakily breathed, praying your voice didn't come out as broken and fragile as you were, that he wouldn't be able to see your tell. So many things you wanted to say, wanted to ask. You couldn't open that door, desperately wishing you could find closure in disclosure.
“Thanks for the ride, gojo.” a faint whisper, the only response you gifted him. You slammed open the door, grabbing your bag and running out into the rain towards your apartment building, thankful that it was so loud it hid your cries and wails. You didn't turn around, knowing you'd only go back at the sight of him falling apart, knowing the exact feeling of something that was so in reach completely and helplessly fall through your hands. It was torturous watching what used to be your ray of sunshine completely lose its spark and turn into something so hurt and defeated. Two sides of the same coin. What perfect reflections of each other.
The class was quiet when you arrived bright and early the next morning, murmurs and whispers of questions floating around students silently panicking as they anticipated the material on the exam. Sleep was futile, mind filled with endless thoughts of gojo, and when you finally drifted off into the lull between consciousness and sleep, your dreams taunted you of him. Showed you small glimpses of a hand held in yours, messy white hair splayed on your lap, a pretty smile that made your mind go dumb. You didn't need to see his face to know it was him.
When you woke, eyes wet and sadness heavy in your chest, you couldn't have cared less about your exam, only wanting it to be over so you could resume rotting in your heartbreak.
But of course, Gojo being Gojo through and through, you found a coffee placed at your usual spot in lecture, “good luck, you're going to ace this!” and a heart once again written sloppily in his handwriting. Huffing, you discreetly scanned the room, finding his ruffled locks on the opposite side alone, looking equally as shitty and unwell. You rolled your eyes to yourself, blocking him out and eager to get the exam over with.
You half expected Gojo to storm after you once the exam was over, dismissing the small part of you that almost wished he had. No you didn't.
Slamming open your apartment door and throwing off your bag, the action happened before you could even second guess, fingers whipping out your phone to quickly unblock his contact telling yourself it was just to look, just to get a small peak.
You'll just block it after again, just one quick look wouldn't hurt right?
Your jaw dropped, hundreds of texts flooding your phone as you watched every single one pop up one after another after another- approximately over four weeks worth and Jesus, he was really not lying when he told you still texted your number, still spammed it.
Texts from that night, good morning texts, ‘i love you’s,’ ‘im sorry’s,’ a photo of your digimon keychain on his back pack and then of a digimon shirt and poster in his room with the caption “I love digimon so much I love your keychain”, your sticky note on his wall mirror, a photo of the empty cookies “so fucking good, let the guys have only one except for the fuck face that tossed em”, a photo of the exact frat member that tossed them with evident bruising on his face, “I didn't do it fushiguro and kuna did swear- they loved the cookies btw”, photos of flowers that reminded him of you, just more and more texts spilling his guts, telling you he loved you.
Holy shit.
You gritted your teeth. You should have never unblocked him, mind filled with so many thoughts and nothing at once you weren't sure if you were processing anything. You definitely weren't breathing.
Fuck it.
Phone carelessly tossed somewhere, you moved to tear open his letter, harshly biting your lip in anticipation, eyes widening at the multiple pages he had written and two smaller pieces of rectangular paper falling out that you paid no mind to yet.
You scanned the letter first, eyes rapidly going through each line only managing to digest certain sentences.
-so embarrassingly insecure that i never had any real friends, people that only used me for my family's status or wealth or just to get something out of me ever since i was kid. I didn't think anybody would actually want anything to do with me unless i had something to give-
-got to college and it was the same. Felt like no liked me for me. Always felt like i was left out of a joke or just didn't understand, thought i was weird and just had really bad social cues or something like that. Joined the frat for some brotherly “love” and it only got worse from there. I hated it, but i had something along the lines of friends for once and i had never had that before and wow this is really embarrassing-
-they were all assholes and at first i was just playing along. It was fun to feel like I fit in. it was never anything bad, never hurt anyone until you, never made any sorts of bets about anything, i swear. I'm only mentioning this because I know you'd never want anyone to go through this. You're so selfless, so kind-
-frat president came up with the idea of the bet and i gave in and i don't say that placing the blame on him or on anyone else. It's 100% all my fault and I never should have accepted it. When he brought it up, almost the entire frat was in the room and they all looked at me like if i didn't agree id be the loser i used to be. There's nothing I wouldn't give to take this back. To be looked at like a loser or nobody again if it meant I could have you back. I didn't think, didn't know who you were yet, which is not an excuse at all. It just made it easier to say yes when i didn't know-
-kuna and fushiguro didn't give a fuck. Are they assholes? Absolutely. But at least they are to everybody. Geto was against it all but we didn't care enough clearly to stop, we just kept playing along with the pres just because we could. Just because he could. Honestly don't even know what the prize was, I just accepted it that day. I didn't think about it.-
-he wanted to see if i could get you in bed with me, being the campus fuckboy and all. I know there's no reason for you to believe me at all, no reason to take my word for it. But I never would have gone that far. You think I'm lying and you have every right to, but I never. Never would have done that to you. Im a disgusting idiot, but not that evil-
-started to like you. Started to fall in love with you. Frat president was weirdly on our asses about it (yeah weird, fushiguros, kuna, and geto too?? Me i get, but i think he knew i was insecure and wanted to fit in, knew i had actually started to get along with those few guys and wanted to fuck me over even more having us all wrapped up in it, and dumbly enough i played along- we all did) and everytime i looked a little too happy or giddy or genuine after being with you he’d remind me of the bet. Remind me it wasn't real. I know, I am the biggest pussy ever. What kind of guy takes shit from someone like that? Who even cares?-
-dates were real. You were real. To me. I could nerd out with you and you'd laugh, join in with me even on the dumb things I liked that you didn't know existed. Just listen to me and watch me like I deserved your attention, like I deserved you and how good you were. And then I'd go back to the house and I was furious. Too pussy to officially end the bet to his face but knew I'd only keep going back to you. I never would've stopped once it was technically over because you werent some fuck ass bet to me, you were everything. I'd be so mad and accidentally end up taking it out on you, being rude and indifferent so that maybe you would get fed up with me and end whatever we had going on. That you realized I was never worth your time or good enough for you, but you never did. You kept looking at me like I meant something, kept giving me more chances than I ever deserved. And I took advantage of all of it. I wanted you so bad.-
-realized i turned into one of those assholes i always hated. Had no one to humble or put me in my place anymore and I hated what I saw in the mirror. Used to shit on people like me then i turned into one of the most vile people ever-
-but fuck i couldn't stay away from you. Told myself I'd end things with you just so that in some twisted way I could protect you from me, from the people I hung around. Anything but actually change huh?-
-they felt pretty shitty too so made them all write apology letters to you. I promised I wouldn't read them so if they're ass then I am really sorry about that. Told them to use their big boy brains and that maybe I'd let them try one of your cookies. I really did get them back-
-worst thing I've ever done in my life. Watching you look at me like that in the hall way gutted me and i stood there like some fucking cocky asshole but all i could think about was how were too good for me. Too kind, too genuine. Literally the personification of sunshine. I felt sick, thought it i was cold enough you might tell me to fuck off but you didn't. You never did and i hate myself-
-a brother threw them in the trash when i got back from class, i swear, all the guys saw, i swear. Said i was looking a little too happy, a little too old to be excited over the coolest fucking digimon keychain ive ever seen in my life. I was gonna grab them as soon as he left but then prep for the party started and this and that and i was gonna wait until after the party. I didn't care if there was junk all over it, I was gonna grab the keychain and the cookies (still in the container okay so it was fine, I'm not that gross and they looked amazing) and end the bet with him.-
-didn't even realize how much time had gone by. Every moment was so real and genuine with you all i wanted was you-
-that fucking night. I invited you of course I did and naturally, was shitting bricks. Prettiest girl I'd ever laid my eyes on was coming to our party and I was so excited. Didn't think of the bet, just wanted you there, wanted to see you. Frat pres kept handing me drinks, passing me blunts, and i didn't say no. just kept drinking and smoking and was so fucked up. Got in front of them and he started riling me up, started shit talking the gifts you got me and how funny the idea was. Everybody looked at me and like the desperate loser I am, started spewing shit, started spewing hate. Just wanted to make everybody laugh just to feel fucking better about myself for a split second. Just to feel like i fit right in with them-
-saw you. Saw how beautiful and out of this world you looked even while you cried. I am a coward. I'm pathetic. I knew i was fucking it up, but the moment i saw you. Fuck. I would do anything to take it back. To tell him to fuck off that i didn't care. To be a man and tell him i loved you, fuck his bet or whatever. That all of this was real. I know it doesn't matter. I know I deserve to feel this when I know it's nothing in comparison to what I did to you. I know i will never understand-
-want nothing to do with me. I completely get it. I'm not saying this so you take pity on me, believe me, but I know how cowardly I am. Know how I'm anything but a man. That i did something disgusting and horrible to the girl I love, the girl I was falling in love with. I hate that this is what it took for me to snap out of it. Came in after you left and absolutely trashed the place, kicked everyone out (may or may not be getting kicked out the frat next sem but i don't care), grabbed your gifts from the trash. Made the guys write those letters a couple days later after I went off on my friends (they went off on me too, don't you worry), and then the pres stilllll had some shit to say. Guys felt so bad they uh gave him some love taps-
-don't expect you to ever forgive me. Don't expect you to ever fall in love with me back. Just need you to know how perfect you are. How your kindness kept me going on the darkest of days, how you were literally a breath of fresh air that made me think that maybe things would be okay. You never hesitated to be there and every morning I woke up happy knowing I'd get to see you. I will be sorry for the rest of my life. Every day I wish I could take it back. None of it was worth it. I only want you. I only love you-
-had the best thing that's ever happened to me right in front of me. It felt like I had it all when I was with you. The prettiest girl I'd ever seen with a heart of gold liked me. Didn't want anything from me. And in return I betrayed your trust. Lied to your face. Not only royally fucked myself over but ruined the best part of me. Hate that i will be the reason for all your insecurities-
-mentioned the aquarium night event that had been sold out for a few months that you said would be a dream to go to. I got you two tickets (not for me don't worry) for the end of the month once finals are over since you said you'd be here over winter break. When you go, if, check out the biggest tank in the back with the whale shark. I know you'll look beautiful. Are beautiful. I love you.
The letter was tightly clutched in between your fingers, knuckles white from the grip, tear drops splattered over the sloppy pencil marks, smudges all over from where gojo had continuously erased and rewritten, erased and rewritten. tiny hiccups fell from your mouth.
You hated him you hated him you hated him.
You loved him you loved him you loved him.
Your breath hitched, momentarily discarding the letter to inspect the two fallen tickets. A special one night event gala with inclusive drinks and food, behind the scenes tour where guests could even pet certain animals. Not only had the tickets been sold out for months, but they were way beyond out of your budget.
With trembling lips and shaky hands, you sobbed.
Gojo quite literally spat out his drink when three days later a notification popped up. From you. In the midst of scrambling to properly hold his phone, he somehow managed to fling it, frantically tripping over his own feet, knocking over his drink and sending his desk chair tumbling.
Hi. Can we talk
He wasn't blocked anymore?? You texted him? You wanted to talk??
He tried to focus, tried to think of a response that wasn't so desperate or needy. He failed to do both.
Hi yes of course. im free now. Or whenever you are free of course, just let me know!
Your bubble popped up, his heart spasmed in his chest, breath heavy as he awaited your response.
It went away and his shoulders dropped. Then it popped up and he sat up. Gone.
He groaned, tossing the device and covering his face with his palms. He fucked up again.
An hour later, there was a knock on the door down stairs, then voices mingling. Then-
“Gojo! Your girl is here!” It was Kuna’s voice.
gojo furrowed his eyebrows. His.. girl?
He stumbled up, sprinting down the stairs so fast he jumped down the last four, heart lodged in his throat as he eagerly popped up next to sukuna, eyes widening once they landed on you.
You.
In all your glory clad and comfy and so fucking cute in a swetashirt that was far too big - fuck was that his?- hair slightly messy but purposeful, lip caught in between your teeth. He froze, jaw dropped, eyes stuck on you like he'd never seen a woman in his life. Like a Victorian man seeing an ankle for the first time. His breath caught.
“Hi,” you spoke softly, cheeks warm and fingers fiddling with the hem of your- his hoodie.
He rubbed his eyes, unsure if he was dreaming or not. He thought of you so much that the idea that he was hallucinating you at this point was very plausible, that maybe you were a figment of his imagination-
Sukuna elbowed him, a grunt leaving gojos lips, murmuring “weirdo” before turning away.
“H-Hi,” his voice cracked, clearing his throat before trying again. “I mean, Hey.”
You rolled your eyes, playfully. Playfully.
She rolled her eyes at me playfully this time. She just-- she-
His mind was short circuiting.
“This Friday is the aquarium night event. Pick me up at 8.”
And just like that you turned on your heel. Didn't wait for a response, an emotion, nothing. But he understood perfectly fine. This was his last shot.
He spun on his feet, unsure of whether or not he should run after you or if he just made you up. He yelled out to sukuna who only smirked.
“Was she real??”
Those three days passed agonizingly slowly, yet all too fast. Gojo anxiously stood outside your door, palms sweaty and hands tugging at the neck of his collar to breathe. The biggest bouquet of flowers at the store clutched in his grip with an unintentional deadly vice, his best tux ironed to obsessive perfection (admittedly the first time he's ever ironed, he didn't even own one, asking every guy in the frat until one of his brothers mom offered to lend him one).
He spoke out loud quietly to himself, hand hovering over the door in a closed fist working up the courage to knock. “You got this, don't fuck this up, don't fuck this up even more, don't-”
Right under his fist the door swung open, both yours and gojos eyes widening equally in surprise. His cheeks flushed, opening his mouth to speak but the words died down in his throat as his eyes scanned you over. Like a moth to a flame he couldn't stop looking, eyes leaving a wake of goosebumps on your flesh everywhere they traced. Your cheeks burned.
He wasnt breathing, wasnt blinking, wasnt thinking- mind doing that brrrr numbing noise when he would see you but fuck.
You were stunning. The prettiest fucking thing that had ever blessed his eyes. Standing before him, just as shy, just as taken aback. The floor length gown you opted a blessing and a curse, hugging you so perfectly that gojo concluded that it quite literally had to be made for you. You were taller in your heels, hair done perfectly, makeup gracing your features and only accentuating your natural beauty. Oh he was so royally, completely, entirely, fucked.
He was embarrassingly nervous to be standing before you, to stand by your side when you looked like that. Fuck you were so out of his league.
You cleared your throat and for the first time, he blinked, shaking his head to clear his thoughts- or more so lack of.
“You look… you look stunning,” he finally spoke, watching as your gaze dropped to the floor, the tiniest of smiles making his heart thump.
“Thank you. You look very nice too.”
He beamed, exhaling, reminding himself to breathe. He must've died. Must've died and he was at the gates of heaven and fuck he didn't care if he was about to get turned away, at least he got to see you standing right in front of him and hed be damned if he didn't treat it like the best gift he had ever gotten.
He snapped back into reality, far too enthusiastically thrusting out his arm holding the flowers.
“I-I got you flowers.” say something else you idiot. “The, the prettiest ones in the store f-for the prettiest girl.” oh my god not that.
Gojo wanted to cringe, physically recoil at how fucking dumb he sounded.
You let out a small breathy laugh- he missed that sound so much- gently taking them from his grasp to put them in another vase, not paying attention to the way your fingers accidentally brushed against his, sending a jolt of electricity up his arms and through his body like a machine getting a much needed reboot. He was pathetic, so so pathetic and it was his greatest honor.
You came back, the pink red blush softly painted on your cheeks made him want to bite his fist and he wasnt sure if it was cuteness aggression or the fact you just looked so fucking edible.
“Ready.”
The two of you slowly strolled through the aquarium, arm laced through his while you admired the animals and he admired you. It was laughable how obvious he was, eyes unable to stray. Hundreds of couples flowed and ebbed around you, an overwhelming amount of waiters offering food and more food and champagne every thirty seconds. The tension was painful, you and gojo downing two flutes each as soon as entering the event.
Small talk at first was difficult, Gojo rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment when he asked if he mentioned how beautiful you looked for the umpteenth time that night. You smiled, blushed, but the tiny inklings of doubt and fear circulated in your head, questioning if he really meant it this time.
You both lingered around tanks, drinking more and more flutes of champagne, becoming more and more relaxed as the night continued. Jokes started flowing easier, hearts forming in gojos eyes when you threw your head back to laugh when he accidentally knocked over an entire serving platter from a waiter's hand.
This was the iconic fratboy?? Making a fool of himself?
He would've cringed, scowled at himself if it weren't for the way you looked, finally allowing your guard to loosen and the champagne to take hold, poking fun at him and asking if this was his first time out in public. He stupidly grinned, teeth and all, cheeks burning pink.
The night only got better from there. Gojo gleamed as a worker introduced you to penguins, whipping out his phone to take photos of you smiling and laughing. Then you were petting a sting ray- a photo of you quietly squeaking when you touched the slimy creature. Later on a photo of you gasping as you pet a dolphin, stars in your eyes and amazement unmasked. You with a sea otter “awwing,” you backing away from gators, you pointing at the big bellied sea lions, you-
“Thank you Gojo. For the tickets, I- I really don't know how you got them, and the price, I don't know what to say.”
The tank was cold beneath your touch, finger feathers lightly tracing the glass that housed colorful jelly fish. The room was dark, save for the glow of the bright sea creatures that reflected in your eyes. You couldn't look away from them. Gojo couldn't look away from you.
The response was immediate, without a doubt. “Don't say thank you. I-..” he swallowed. He didn't know what else to say, knowing sorry would never be enough.
“Sukuna said he was sorry when I went by. Said what he did was pussy shit. When I agreed and said I didn't forgive him, he smirked and said good.” You stayed facing the tank, voice tight and blunt, but not unkind. Purely factual.
Gojo slumped, hands shoving into his pockets, preparing himself for you to end everything for once and for all. His saliva was thick, relaxed state leaving him and anxiousness creeping in. He stupidly hoped for something more, knowing he didn't deserve it from the start. But knowing never made handling the truth any easier.
Silence hung heavy in the air.
Gojo cleared his throat, quiet and nervous. He chewed on his bottom lip, fingers playing with a loose thread in his pocket. “I know you're sick of me saying it. But i am so sorry y/n. I wish I could take it back, but I know I can't." He itched for another glass of champagne. “Im just,” gojo huffed an airy laugh that was more so a sigh of disbelief. “Just so thankful, that you- that you let me come with you tonight. A-and see you.”
A faint hum was your only response.
“C-can i show you something?” he whispered.
You turned, hair framing your face perfectly from where your hands had run through it throughout the night, eyes shiny but bright, and gojo could feel his heart stop, or maybe it was just beating so fast that there was no separation of a beat. “Okay.”
Before he could overthink it and more than ready to accept the sting of rejection, he quickly but hesitantly brought his hand towards yours, lacing his large one in yours. Tears almost welled in his eyes when you didn't pull away. “Come on.”
“Holy shit,” the words came out unintentionally, eyes wide in awe and jaw slack once your eyes landed on the aquarium's new massive whale shark as it freely swam inside the gigantic tank, other fishes and creatures accompanying it in its rounds.
Gojos palm was embarrassingly sweaty in yours and he felt unsteady on his legs as if he was standing on unsolid ground. Maybe this was stupid, so stupid and you'd hate it. He was starting to regret it.
A worker near the tank spoke into a mic, excited and grinning big. “-Our newest edition! Everybody meet y/n the whale shark!”
You gasped in equal joy and shock, a genuine smile appearing on your face for what felt like, no it quite literally was, the first time in over a month. You spoke aloud, maybe to yourself, maybe to gojo.
“Hah! That is so funny that they named it that- what are the odds??”
As soon as the words left your mouth, your eyebrows were already furrowing, body already turning to gojo who looked ghastly and sick on his feet, hand rubbing the back of his neck and skin flushed the brightest you'd ever seen it. He had mentioned wanting you to check it out in the letter, wanted to show you now, looked so nervous… why would he be so..?
“Gojo?”
He didn't look at you, mouth straight and eyes forward. He hummed, but the pitch was too high, too anxious as if he was awaiting some sort of reaction. How would that even work…?
“Gojo…” His eyes scanned the room, fluttered left and right awkwardly, anywhere but you. Your heart stopped, hairs standing on the back of your neck, of your arms, mouth suddenly dry as if you hadn't been drinking the entire night.
“Gojo you didn't…” and he was facing you suddenly, eyes wild, tugging you closer and grabbing both of your hands to hold in his, thumbs swiping back and forth not to soothe you but an anxious tick to soothe himself.
“Fuck, I know it was dumb wasnt it? God- I knew it was stupid, b-but I wasn't thinking, or I was, and I just thought, just thought-” You cut him off, pieces fully falling into place and jaw dropping in unadulterated shock.
“You named a whale shark after me???”
He let go of your hands to pace, fingers curling into tight fists. “Fuck I know, why would I do that? I thought maybe a star named after you would be cool? But-but I just- you know, y-you love the aquarium and I had been researching and saw they were rescuing a whale shark that didn't have a name yet- so i emailed and called and came in and donated, and- and, okay basically maybe begged, but hey, at least I get a plaque now right? Well you get a plaque, I put the donation in your name-”
Your jaw was on the floor, watching the most nonchalant notorious cool fratboy who was known for just that be anything but, frantically pace and throw his hands all over the place as he rambled on and on and on about how he named an entire whale shark after you.
You blinked hard, again and again, wondering when you'd wake up, wondering when gojo would snap his fingers in front of your face and tell you you were just day dreaming. You couldn't believe what you were hearing.
“You named a whale shark after me…”
At once he stopped, turning to you completely exasperated and arms finally falling by his side in defeat as if you'd hate the idea and chew him out for it, as if you could ever hate the idea. He named a fucking whale shark after you.
“Yes.”
Immediately, like all things gojo seemed to be best at making you do, your eyes filled to the brim with tears. His hands found your cheeks, thumbs moving to swipe under your waterline as he panicked. “No, no, no, wait- don't cry, that bad huh? Fuck, it was supposed to make you happy-”
Your fingers tightly gripped his wrists, biting your lip to stifle and quiet your cries thankful the worker and surrounding couples had moved along. “I… I am, that does make me happy.”
Like a weight that had been lifted from his chest for the first time in weeks, Gojo physically relaxed, shoulders slumping in relief. He gently pulled the two of you closer to the tank, eyes solely interested in you as if there wasn't a gigantic whale shark swimming right next to him, as if you were the only thing worth watching, as if he didn't want to blink in case he might miss something.
You sniffled, small laugh hiccuping out of you. “That is s-so silly..” he was nodding along with your words, palms resuming their once rightful place on your cheeks and now the only thing running through his mind was that if he was ever so lucky to be gifted another chance that he would never take it for granted ever again in his life, never take you for granted.
“I am so in love with you Y/n, you have no idea.”
His mouth frowned at the slightest flash of sadness in your eyes, corners crinkling as more tears silently streamed down your cheeks. “Ill keep showing you I'm sorry for as long as you let me and god im fucking sorry. You are the best thing thats happened to me and i know none of its enough, none of it compares to how i hurt and destroyed your trust in me, b-but fuck I love you,” he spoke softly, yet urgent and severe and he hated the inkling of hope that sprinkled in his chest, the fear and pain that came along with thinking he might not be so hopeless after all. It only made it worse.
“I..” his heart seized in his chest as he waited for you to finish. “I don't forgive you gojo.” and he felt his heart crack, felt everything in him completely ache and throb and the tightness of his throat burned so painfully he wasn't sure if he'd be able to hold back the sob that threatened to leave him. He licked his lips, nodding his head to your response and dropping his hands, tears readying to leave his own. The worst of it all was understanding, was agreeing with your decision.
“Y-yeah, yeah-” It’s all he could whisper, all he could muster. But then a hand reached out for his own, fingers lacing through his once more. He wanted to yank it out, not out of spite, not to be rude, but he was on the cusp of shattering. Didn't want you to see him wail like a toddler in the aquarium, figured you weren't vengeful enough to want to watch it though you had every right to be.
‘B-but... that doesnt mean that one day I wont…I just- I need time, but I think, maybe… I'd be willing to try…” you breathed, gaze flickering back to him, to the floor, to the whale shark he fucking named after you, back to bright blue eyes that looked at you as if you were the air he breathed, the oxygen in his lungs.
A tear dropped down his cheek and he felt his body restart. Felt every function in his body like a car being hot wired and suddenly he was working all over again, electricity shooting through every single muscle, tendon, organ.
A squeal left your lips, strong arms suddenly wrapped fully around your middle as you were snatched up and spun around, hands braced against his shoulder as broken fits of laughter flew out of you.
He was in disbelief, he was in awe, he was dreaming, he was everything you weren't and you were everything he wasn't and he was excited, so hopeful, peppering your cheeks and face with kisses as if he just won the lottery- no, no this was better, this was so much better.
“Satoru, stop!” but you were giggling, you were giggling and gently pushing him back, but at the first syllable of his name that you hadn't said in so long, he just couldn't find it in himself to physically peel himself away. You were everything and more and satoru gojo was the greediest man alive.
You could hear the smile on his face. The intensity at which he spoke, the genuineness in his words and actions.
“Fuck- I love you I love you I love you, you wont regret this, youre gonna be my wife and ill make it up to you every single day from now on, thank you thank you-” the words slightly muffled as he continued planting delicate kisses over your face.
You wouldn't kiss him just yet, despite wanting nothing more than to feel his soft ones against yours.
Baby steps.
You laughed, shy but not fearful, eyebrows shooting up your forehead at his admission and eagerness. “Lets start with one day at a time, yeah?”
Gojo finally pulled back, palms finding their now rightful place on your warmed cheeks, tucking the fallen hair behind your ears. He bit his lip, grinning so wide his face hurt.
I saw the fratjo one and I was wondering how it would turn out of reader was someone who couldn't feel any feelings at all and was a psychopath lol , I lowkenuinly cant get that out of my head
Wait cuz your mind🤯😳👩🍳🤌 this would be such a good idea but I fear since I made her so chalant in the first part I can’t have her switch up now😩😩 but perchance in the future… 🤭😏😏
WARNINGS: angst angst angst, blood, gore, death, hurt no comfort, no happy ending <3
“Please. Please, wake up.” You whispered, a plea that could only be heard between the sky and the man that laid in your arms. The ground was wet beneath you, and you hated that you knew what it was. That the liquid was now lukewarm against your skin but once held an initial chill. That despite being outdoors, the faint aroma of iron still lingered all around you.
He felt so warm.
You didn’t move, arms wrapped around a built torso that was covered in lacerations, head tucked deeply into a neck that was now damp from the earlier blood and tears that had streamed down the sides of his cheeks.
He still felt so warm.
His scent blanketed you, faintly mixed in with all the rubble and smoke. You tried to ignore the coppery metallic tang that had unwelcomely woven itself in.
Fingers curled into his tight black shirt, chin trembling and lips wobbling. You panted into his neck, each breath a gasp for air. He was here, he was right here in your arms. He just needed to wake up.
“Please baby. Please, wake up- need you here, c-can’t go on without you. Please.”
The quiet was sickening. The lack of a response, the lack of anything except for the cries and insults and pleads that flowed from your torn lips. Each second passed so agonizingly slow, yet so fast all you could do was bury yourself deeper into his neck. Still, you tried.
Beg after beg after beg.
You weren’t sure how long you’d been there for, crying out to some unknown upper power to bring him back, to any god or creature that might’ve existed and took pity on you. You had screamed, cursed, tried bartering your own life and soul to just have him for a moment longer.
Sobs and wails turned into spurts of snarls and growls as if you were some ravaged animal, some crazed thing with a hunger for something that could only ever be satisfied by him. You dug your hands into the blood soaked soil, nails bleeding and tearing on rocks as you raked your fingers through, throwing dirt and hurling insults at the sky.
“I’ll do anything. Please!” The words tore from your throat, more of a demand than anything else.
When there was no response, you were forced to sit with your anger. Forced to sit in silence, save for your own cries that echoed around you.
Curling up next to him, just as you had always done, your hands traced softly over his abs, fingers running and tickling patterns on his skin as if the two of you were solely cuddling. You were careful not to dip too low, to not feel what wasn’t there.
Then they threaded through his hair. The beautiful stark white tufts, damp with sweat, now partially dyed a dark maroon as it seeped out onto the earth behind his head in a distorted halo. The pretty hair you’d tug on or massage and play with after he had a long grueling day, after he found his rightful place with his head in your lap, hair splaying out like he was some angel. He’d grin at you, eyes closed in content as he hummed along to whatever you blabbed on about. He’d make a comment that he felt at peace with you, that he could be himself. That you were his home.
Your nose ran along the side of his neck, lips grazing the skin, nuzzling as close as possible. The warmth was fading by the second.
“You’re okay, my love, I’ve got you. I’ve got you baby.” More whispers and lies that would go unanswered. More tears that rushed down the sides of your face. More love with nowhere to go.
“Did so good- so brave,” your nails gently scraped against his scalp, fingers weaving through the strands, waiting for the soft hum that always fell from his lips at the motion that he loved, that soothed him. Your other hand found his cheek. He was growing increasingly colder, a tell that you had laid there with him for hours. You would stay there with him forever if you could.
So softly, you caressed his skin, thumb carefully avoiding a small wound, unknowingly smearing the blood that had previously trailed down the sides of his mouth. ‘You’re okay’ repeatedly muttered into his neck, as if you murmured the words enough times, as if you treated him so gently and held him so closely, that they might come true. That your eyes would open and he’d be right there smiling at you, sharp piercing blue eyes teasing but flattered, glint of devious humor shining through like always. He’d laugh at you, poke and make fun of, then he’d pepper you in kisses all over. Tell you he’d love you, that you knew better, knew he’d never leave you.
He would come back. He had to.
“We’re gonna go home, ‘kay? G-gonna go home, and-and it’s gonna be fine, I can fix this, we can fix this, baby,” you sobbed. And it was cruel- such a cruel and ugly moment that had no right to be your last with him. Filled with nothing but lies and snot and blood, the smell of smoke somehow becoming more prominent while his began to vanish. The lies you swore only dealt more damage to you, heart thumping and mind screaming that it knew, that your body knew, but you refused to speak the words on your tongue.
A period of silence, of some mock makeshift semblance of comfort that would never come. Tears and wails had slowed to small gasps and soundless whimpers as you laid with him, trying to pretend that the two of you were home in your shared bed, wrapped lovingly in each other's arms- your usual nightly routine. Surely if you willed it enough, it would come true. He remained still in your arms. Frozen.
A new round of sobs made their way up your throat, already stinging and scratched raw from the supposedly endless supply you had. Your eyes burned, puffy and rimmed red while your lips grew swollen, teeth having gnawed them from your past failed attempts to bite back screams.
Agony was a paralyzing thing, a full force sensation that shook you yet rooted you still, that would make you remember this nightmare forever. You knew years down the road on a beautiful sunny day- if any could exist without him- you'd shut your eyes and this moment would find you. Haunting. Immobilizing. It would force you to relive it, force you to come back here. There would be no escaping him, this.
But you supposed this was the price you always knew you’d pay. Your curse for falling in love with the strongest.
You blubbered out a howl, cradling his head closer, shifting up so that now he lay tucked in the crook of your neck, hands pathetically making a faux display of protecting him, shielding him. As if you ever could. Your hands fisted into the root of his hair, desperately clutching him towards you, holding him like you couldn’t possibly fathom ever letting go.
You’d barter everything, switch places with him in the blink of an eye, anything to not be lying like this with him right now. Your legs were careful to not touch him, didn’t want the reality to hit you and remind you of what he lacked below. It didn’t matter, he could still come back.
Still, you tried to comfort him amongst the sputtering of your cries, absolutely shredded and strained from the complete and utter bloody murder you had screeched. The moment was hideous, flecks of blood now dry on your face, hair matted with his gore, snot you hadn’t bothered wiping away, face puffy and splotched. None of it mattered.
“S-Shoko, she, she will-” and you cut yourself off with a sharp inhale, painful and instant, as if your body and mind were finally accepting the fact that your words were useless and futile. That each lie dug a little deeper, took something from you that you’d never get back. Shoko wouldn’t be able to do anything. and you knew it.
“Please please please, come back. Please!”
The words twisted in your gut, a physical pain that punched so profound a hand left his cheek to cradle your stomach, to clutch at your chest. You writhed, stone and gravel hard against the side of your skull, trying to catch a breath you’d never get. It was overwhelming, devastating, the ultimate display of affection towards a loved one. You’d done it, you achieved it.
There was no amount of soul dealing you could do, no solution you could find, no turning back time. This was real, this was your new life.
Immediately, you shot up, temporarily abandoning him of your touch to grasp at the clothing near your chest and neck, anger and denial ebbing away and panic seeping in as reality finally took hold. It was like ice in your veins, a seer so hot it burned cold. There was a visceral fear, pure unadulterated hysteria that pummeled through you at the reality of having to go on without him- a soul tie between the two of you that had been severed far too early. There was no reparation for a loss so big. Nothing could ever fill the newly gaping hole in your chest. You would truly never be the same. You clawed at your throat, at your face, no amount of oxygen relieving the need for air that you lacked. But you knew that wasn’t what your body craved, wasn’t what your soul yearned for.
Naturally, you turned towards him- always to him, only to be met with the horrific sight all over again. The flat dullness of his eyes, bright electric blues completely fizzed out, replaced with a lifelessness that only confirmed the one thing you wouldn't accept. The gape of his mouth, now dried blood that had dribbled down the sides. White long luscious eyelashes that you’d always been jealous of, spattered with crimson.
But his arms- his torso.
A gut wrenching wail broke through, shoulders rolling with every vicious sob, lips curling and eyes squeezing shut. This was it. This would be the last of him.
You leaned over him, forehead resting on his unbeating too still chest, arms caging the sides of his head to rest in his blood.
“Please- if you w-wont come back- take me with you, take me with you, p-please, I can’t do this, I can’t do this,” you yelled, unsure to who. Maybe to him, maybe to the sky, maybe to no one. You wished you could crawl inside of him, tuck yourself right behind his ribcage and die there, rot with him, fester and become one with nature together.
Raising your head to gaze directly down at him, you knew. When all that reflected back in his now lifeless eyes, was a version of you you’d never seen before, you knew.
You willed yourself to die, rocking back and forth as the stomach churning nauseating grief rattled your bones, making it incapable to stay still, torn fingers clawing into the earth to try and grasp onto something. Tears dropped onto his blood stained face, skin paler than ever before, murky eyes staring right through you. This was it.
“Take me with you,” you begged, making eye contact as the coldness of it all began to settle in your bones. The weather was overcast, skies grey, thunder cracking as it began to softly drizzle. “Take me with you, Toru. Please.”
gurl just read what u answered about part 5 of zombie leon and dont worry take ur time! been busy here too so I totally get it! And about that guy... I personally dont care about him 🤭 maybe do some angst around him before offing him just so u can use it in ur story... like him attacking reader and leon having to step up and protect us 😭 idk just a thought... hope ur week is going fine ❤️ I know u will find out what to do and the story will turn out great
Thank you girl you’re so kind!!🥹🥹
And OKAY PERF that helps so much hearing your thoughts so THANK YOU!! Hope you have the best week too 😚😚
