towards a better delusion @torschlusspanikattack - Tumblr Blog

Rate my new glasses—fit, pretension, vibes,

(they are very fragile—questionable decision in the wake of a pressing need to replace the previous pair)

#how the old ones were broken is extended universe lore #probably less than a dozen posts down at TOP (time of posting)

and i hadn’t even gotten to unpack my laptop and play around with fable yet

where is phrase rules-based international order actually from?

outmanoeuvred socially and feeling glum and making a website to cope about it

tripped at the finish line and rendered months of miserably picking the less human option at every opportunity pointless

#by maybe a day or less #have to catch a flight within 24 hours and don’t even have the will to care not packed and have #ran out of will to finish sentence

every day ppl ask me why are you doing this and well, i felt bad about being bad at being a person but a p-zombie made of hustle isn’t even failing to be a person

#willposting is just a crutch since a p-zombie made of hustle acts on pure stimulus

what’s up with sam kriss writing about ireland and ethnic violence the day before race riots or whatever breakout?

#allegedly some unionists and republicans hand in hand #very thematic if true

ottimismo dell’intelligenza, ottimismo della volontà

—tony grindsci

they should invent a digestive system that doesn’t throw a fit after a 3 day break

#wish i was a snake and crocodile or some such

there’s a lot of reasons to enjoy travelling but a rlly obvious one is you like someplace and you aren’t currently there

almost as obvious and prob even more common is you don’t like someplace and you are currently there

i <3 group theory

#finally had a type of mathematics solve a problem it didn’t create and make my life noticeably easier

ppl rlly don’t get and mostly make fun of me for how much mental of my life is managing myself via conceiving of mostly internal parameters as a set of external constraints (hallmark of the superstitious deranged and pathetic) but then most of them are not doing as much as me within a very narrow set of accomplishments but they’re also spending way less time to achieve the proportion they are. and then some ppl are getting way more done while also making fun of me and they’re prob right or smth when they say: hours in, hours out, just do it, in some sense, except for the empirical results of this never working for me

this is incoherent bc today is kinda an evil day, but basically vast majority of my life rn is dedicated to maximising ‘good days’ in which i am capable of doing things but limited number of tasks switches, so most of daily life is packing problems with smth like 4 real days per week and up to 14-16 hours (more is unpredictable outlier) each of those days, but splitting anything across a day is costly bc tasks/day is fairly quantised and a day is set by various factors, but is fairly easy to degrade at specific windows and by specific actions, which is p much binary state. degrading a useful day 2 hours into the morning is losing the next 14 hours, which is not super recoverable bc even if everything that was meant to be done on that day fits into hours remaining across the remaining days, days are quantised, so the time doesn’t distribute well.

and then there’s ofc a million superstitions (some of the most classical type, when can eat, what can eat, what are thoughtcrimes, since certain thoughts are very prone to degrading productivity, and when certain thoughts are esp disruptive) accumulated on avoiding dropping from a useful day state earlier than the full time (kind of, a useful day can go for longer than 16 hours but cutting into sleep screws up your future days and it’s way less valuable bc the curve isn’t linear so certain hours in the day are worth much more than other hours).

but basically p-zombie made of hustle rxn to external stimuli resolution working at least 3 days out of the week

when it works there’s just no internality and this silence is a vacuum that immediately fills itself with more tasks bc any other interests or desires have atrophied away from immediate recall (as long as the tasks are shaped the right way)

#this is what happened to my posting #it used to happen on poorly allocated useful days and i got better at squeezing all the useful hours out of them #this is the result of a stumble #wear myself out each day too much to have given a thought to how to feel about the mental encrookeding this obv is #once i figure out how to consistently send a good day back to back ill be free; rn i can hit wakeup send 16 hours sleep without eating or #pause up to 2 days in a row but can’t hit 3 yet

what’s better/worse, naive [beliefism] or vulgar [beliefism]?

#im a vulgar naïvist but those naïve vulgarists are rlly silly

torschlusspanikattack

feeling terribly unwell but mostly a sense that within 24 hours i’m going to get significantly worse

torschlusspanikattack

dunno what this was

slept 2,5 hours and i felt indestructible and it still hasn’t worn off below baseline

the first 8 hours was a very easygoing feeling, like being a bit fuzzy on concept of problems

a bit of a chiller (derogatory)

#if i didn’t believe in animals spirits would have to have some take like hormone imbalance or secret cancer and now that it’s terminal can #autocannibalise immune system for energy bc the time value of organs has dropped

feeling terribly unwell but mostly a sense that within 24 hours i’m going to get significantly worse

#like falling from a great height #sense that it’s too late to avoid it but it’s not quite arrived

“Also you should lock in on climbing. You have climbing build. Take that as you may.”

what did she mean by this…

shirt that says, ‘more dog abortions’, left or right wing?

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