[torturedconscious]

mental health and vent blog for @hereticsystem

chronoadult (20 yrs old), chronominors do not follow

morequeer + anti radqueer anti contact anti consang

dxd / professionally recognized: audhd, pmdd, dpdr, anxiety, social anxiety, treatment-resistant depression, chronic suicidal ideation, memory loss, and ptsd symptoms

self dxd / suspected: stpd, complex dissociative disorder, and factitious disorder, POTS, ME/CFS, alongside symptoms of ocd, avpd, and szpd, hypochondria, and seasonal depression

kosiplural traumagenic + addgenic system of 200+

overall we are moderate support needs

i mostly post art & diary entries

[torturedconscious]

7/14/2026 at 1:30 AM - diary entry #3

current main fronters: luffy and sabo

today was much better than yesterday! we spent a couple hours on call with our partner, watched some memes, and have been playing roblox all day. we did some work for our blogs as well. i (luffy) don't have much to report or talk about honestly! as soon as we're done writing this out we're going to take our melatonin. hopefully gonna get to see my brother soon!! for now i'm currently just reading fanfic and probably will until we go to bed :3 i (sabo) am a newer split, and i hope that me, ace, and luffy can help get this system back on track in one way or another when it comes to recovery. i hope to help enforce us to take our medications properly and continue trying to form a proper routine, as advised to us in therapy. :)

[torturedconscious]

7/12/2026 at 11:45 PM - diary entry #2

current main fronters: corazon... and whoever else

feel like shit. today has just kind of been a blur. at this point it's just a game of trying not to kill myself. got close to trying. realistically i should go to the hospital but we can't fucking afford that shit and it's not like they're going to do much to help anyways. i have to help myself. but i get so depressed i give up and just fucking can't i hate summer. i probably just feel like this because it's summer. not that it stops me or helps me in any way to know that but whatever. i'm tired of everything and i just want to die. i can't handle being in this world. i don't feel like we were made for this place. we never fit in anywhere. we don't belong anywhere. the world is evil and cruel and unjust and i don't know how to be happy and i don't want to live here anymore. i'm tired. i feel so bad. and guilty. im supposed to be better than this. i'm supposed to be the one helping us. i'm supposed to be happy and loving and caring and everything great in the world. but my mind can't help but wonder if killing us would be a mercy. we weren't even supposed to live. not this long. we weren't supposed to be born viable with life. and i think some part of us still isn't i wish i had an explanation for why i'm like this. but whatever. just have to try to make tomorrow a better day. life is one big pile of fucking cope. all you can do is cope. all you can do is hope and pray when all things are said and done, that the next reality will be nicer than this one. for now you can try to believe in god but you know that, just like your parents, he doesn't believe in you. im a husk of a person, nobody knows my name, nobody cares about me, one day i'll be nothing but a memory, and later a speck of dust, and later, nothing. nothing matters and we're all gonna die and this reality is so impossibly cruel that i can't stay here. all i can do is hang on to this intangible light at the end of the tunnel. a light that doesnt exist but i have to fool myself into thinking it does. recovery is a lot like finding religion. whatever

[torturedconscious]

trapped in my own hell

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today's 5 reasons to live and get better:

for my cats for my fiancé video games to be happy one day because i deserve love

[torturedconscious]

7/9/2026 at 1:30 AM - diary entry #1

current main fronters: corazon, luffy, and law

here's to finally making an effort to start a routine! we just got off of call with our partner around half an hour ago. luffy's been playing roblox for nearly 3 hours. overall, we feel okay right now! once i finish writing i'm going to take our melatonin so hopefully we'll get sleepy soon. law's currently asleep in my (corazon's) arms. today started off okay for us, and for him, until we took a bath and it triggered him into having some very intense self-harm urges. he threw a fit, but i finally got him to relax after a while. he seems to be the part of us who's internalized getting denied disability, alongside the associated depressive feelings and factitious disorder symptoms. in short: he hasn't been wanting to get better, and has been an active threat to us bodily. i love him, he's my baby, and i've been so concerned. i'm trying my best to care for him but it's not an easy process when he refuses to help himself. i hate knowing he feels the need to do these things to himself, to punish himself, to isolate himself. it saddens me. i wish i knew what to do for him.

[torturedconscious]

factitious disorder is like having a personal ticket to hell that nobody else has and the best thing (/s) about it is that the people in charge have no fucking idea what to even do with you

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sticking my foot in the door for hope to see while also secretly hoping that hope slams the door shut and cuts my foot off in the process

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la la lalala for the most popular massively multiplayer online roleplay game reality sure does fucking suck!

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genuinely wouldn't wish PMDD on my worst enemy, this disorder sucks so fucking bad.

every month i have to fight off suicidal urges, falling into a deep, hopeless depression, because apparently my treatment resistant depression isn't hard enough to deal with by itself, irritability so bad i want to cry when people talk to me, chest so tender just my shirt rubbing against it hurts, gas and bloating, diarrhea or even vomiting if i eat anything too greasy, mood swings, and anhedonia that makes it hard to find anything worth living for.

it makes all of my already existing problems just 10x worse. and i have to deal with it every. fucking. month.

[torturedconscious]

being medium support needs is like being in disability purgatory, im too disabled to get through daily life entirely on my own but i'm also not disabled enough for anybody to actually care that i'm disabled

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i just wanna get worse but i want you by my side

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i don't know if the irritability or suicidality is worse when it comes to our pmdd. because while i may not be depressed right now i'm certainly irritable to the point i start feeling violent anytime someone talks to me