The end of an era; the end of LDR
saying goodbye at the airport one year ago was tough. it wasnât that i doubted our love or commitment for each other - no, if anything, i knew we would emerge from this year stronger and surer of our future together. but at the point of separation, as we were holding each other for the last time in ??? months, the terrible ache of the moment blanketed all the lightness and hope of our future. it wasnât easy, it wasnât easy at all.
my flying up to london was unplanned, a possibility we never considered before your departure. but i give all credit to my parents for the idea (they came into my room as i was grieving the week that you left and suggested that i fly up to see you again). it was six weeks before we saw each other again. then two weeks that we spent together. golden - exploring markets, sifting through the leaves on the ground, revisiting austria, celebrating both our birthdays and our anniversary. when it was time for me to go i questioned if the brief joy of reuniting was worth the excruciating pain of goodbye. we both cried.
yet another unplanned reunion six weeks later. this time, in asia. and once again, credit to your parents for letting you go on this trip, and credit to mine for extending the invitation to you (gotta say - itâs an honour my previous s/o never enjoyed haha). five glorious days - three spent driving around the countryside, waking and ending the day with blue & golden hours, hot springs galore!!!, then the two final days in the city. we spent a good part of our time on the hunt for pokemons and piyos. when it was time to part ways again, i was a hot mess who couldnât stop crying. you definitely took it better than i did.
it would be six weeks before we saw each other again, this time during the Chinese New Year period. it was a chaotic blur of red and rowdiness.. a rather punishing rotation of family obligations, work commitments, me time, us time, exercise time etc. still, we made the most out of it. we celebrated valentinesâ day at the best/only truffle restaurant in singapore, and we had many serious talks about our hopes and expectations of the future. i donât remember shedding any tears when you left that morning, but maybe you did.
it would be 4 months till our next reunion. and what a tumultuous 4 months it was thanks to [insert redacted exogenous incident + my naive one-track mind] - it was a terrible and frightening time for us, wasnât it, baby? i was in such a dark place. we began to question if we had a future, for the future we had conceived for ourselves had been completely destroyed overnight. we begun exploring possibilities, considering alternatives and accepting change. this was an extremely trying time, but baby, i couldnât have made it through without you - your patience, your love, your kindness when i sobbed pathetically over Skype. you literally excused yourself from social functions and sacrificed time on your holidays just to be there for me. you angel, you beautiful beautiful angel with a golden heart. as i withdrew from the world and channelled my energies into picking up the pieces, you were the one i confided in, who cheered me on, who stubbornly believed in me when i had lost all faith. and yet, at the end of all of this, - you are not my crutch, you are not a pillar that holds me up. but you are - the hand i hold as i save myself; as i teach myself to stand by myself and run again. we were not two halves of a whole, but we are two wholes uplifting and strengthening each other.
in June you were back again. this time we were inseparable, joined at the hip. we spent many hour together either sweating it out or chilling in the library, quietly working besides each other, only speaking when there was an interesting fact we wanted to share with the other or a controversial topic we wanted the other personâs opinion on. june was also - seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. 3 offers. and you were there as each piece of good news followed another, and you insisted that this was what you knew would happen all along, that you were right. off to bali for a getaway - oh Southeast Asia, you are so charming.
but oh - two months together in singapore wasnât enough for us greedy souls, was it? spontaneously booked a two-week flight to london so we could enjoy what was left of our freedom together. back to hollisfield we went. back to london we returned. this time, the waterworks were⊠crying on the bed together, knowing that this would be the final time we would be here in the way we have come to see as home; knowing that when we return london would have irrevocably changed and so would we⊠god it felt like a breakup. it was in this room where we had our many firsts - our first kiss our first ahem our first movie our first etc.. so many milestones of our relationship occurred in this very room. as i wrote on my Instagram - âThank you for everything, Hollisfield - the tears, the laughter, the love. It isnât the flashy lights of Oxford Street or the castles and museums and bridges that defines London for me - it is a tiny room on the ground floor of a council estate that comes to mind when I think of London - Home, or London - Heart. To the bed team - Ah foam, Balls, Guest and Ah Warm: It is goodbye forever, for now.â
what more can we ask for? we cheated time, wrested our time in london from the clutches of memory, looked distance & space in the eyes and told them âyou will never keep us apartâ.. and yes - so much of this would never have happened if we didnât have the luck, money or privilege, i know.. we are so privileged, so blessed to be able to fly as frequently as we did in the past year to see each other.. (all thanks to God and our parents for being ever so supportive of our craziness)
and now here we are, you are due to fly home in less than 24 hours. and saying goodbye to a place youâve called home for the past 4 years is heartbreaking.. and oh baby, i wish there was more I could do, but all i know is that we will return, and yes in a different capacity, but we will return and we will also leave - together. thank you for a beautiful year - for the 3-4 hour long Skype sessions on consecutive nights and the sacrifices and for always, always putting this relationship first. one LDR over, but another phase of our relationship begins.
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