Intimacy - an integral part of a healthy relationship and essential in building bonds within interpersonal relationships.
To honestly know and feel emotionally close to another person, developing intimacy with them through appreciation and affection is crucial.
Feeling close and comfortable with partners is the key to long-lasting relationships.
Ways to Build Intimacy in a Relationship
It takes effort to build and maintain intimate relationships as people can grow and change. Consider the following ways to increase the level of intimacy in relationships:
Show your appreciation. Showing appreciation demonstrates that you value the other person in a relationship. You can show appreciation by saying thank you, buying gifts, and returning favors.
Display physical affection. Intimacy commonly refers to sexual activity, but there are many ways to build physical intimacy. Hug your loved ones and give them a shoulder to lean on to strengthen the bond between you. If you are in a sexual relationship, holding hands in public and cuddling can help maintain intimacy and a healthy sex life.
Work on communication. No matter how long you’ve known each other, there’s always more to discover about your loved ones. Human beings grow and change. Make an effort to learn about each other on a deeper level by asking questions and listening. The more you talk to each other, the more layers you will uncover about the other person. Communication can help build emotional closeness.
Spend time together. Schedule time together to share an experience and learn more about each other. Prioritizing friend dates and romantic dates can strengthen your relationships.
Work on a project together. Do an activity together you both enjoy. Activities, particularly challenging ones, can give you time to bond and can help build your experiential intimacy.
Intellectual Intimacy - the intellectual connection between two people in a romantic relationship.
To share intimacy of any sort, people need to feel they can be their true selves around their significant other.
On an intellectual level, this means feeling happy to freely share opinions about current events, enjoy similar forms of entertainment, or learn how to do new things together.
Benefits of Intellectual Intimacy
Intellectual intimacy helps build a foundation for successful relationships. Here are just three key benefits to expect when you become more intellectually intimate with your partner:
Greater intellectual stimulation: Both parties in a relationship stand to gain from intellectual intimacy on a purely individual level. If you and your partner share the same interests, it’s far easier to stimulate each other on an intellectual plane than if you had no common ground.
Increased connection: Even though intellectual intimacy might sound quite cerebral, it can bring about an extensive degree of emotional closeness as well. It can help improve your mental health and counteract any insecurities you might have since you’ll develop greater confidence as you see a person you love taking your thoughts and interests seriously. This mutual sense of love and respect is essential to any healthy relationship.
More common ground: The more things you share in common, the more opportunities you have to create a feeling of safety and security for your partner. People feel at ease around others who see the world in roughly the same way as they do. This can help both of you get over any residual fear of intimacy and improve the well-being of your relationship.
How to Build Intellectual Intimacy
Sharing similar interests is just the beginning of intellectual intimacy. Keep these tips in mind while building intimacy with your significant other on an intellectual level:
Ask about your partner’s opinions. Create a safe space for your partner to earnestly share their opinions about both trivial and deep topics. Allow them to work through insecurities and past traumas with you. Talk about your opinions on world events.
Learn new skills together. The more common interests you share, the richer your connection will be. Find hobbies you both have an interest in and commit to pursuing them together. If you’re having a hard time deciding on a specific pursuit, consider asking a therapist or relationship coach for advice.
Plan a vacation together. When you go through life together, you grow closer simply by experiencing the same things. Put your heads together to plan a romantic getaway. Along the way, you’ll learn how both of you think and problem-solve, as well as how you can complement each other. This allows you to pair experiential intimacy with intellectual closeness.
Share your favorite media with each other. Watch movies and television shows together. Read the same books. Share memes and online videos with each other that you think the other will find funny. Send each other news articles. You'll feel closer to each other when you share a similar attitude and outlook about the world.
Talk about core values. Spend time learning how your partner feels about the world. It’s better to seek out commonalities in a relationship than to constantly attack another person’s point of view. Be honest with each other about your personal values so you can be sure you’re a good match.
Types of Intimacy
Intellectual intimacy is one aspect of a loving relationship. Consider 3 more types of closeness worth cultivating:
Emotional intimacy: Connecting on an emotional level is essential to any relationship. Emotional intimacy means learning to share the ups and downs of each other’s lives through good times and bad. It means being a shoulder to cry on, a person to laugh with, or a calming presence in times of stress. At the same time, it means relying on your partner to provide you with emotional support when you need it, too.
Sexual intimacy: Your sex life is one part of your relationship, but it’s still an important one. Physical intimacy often operates as an outward act to solidify how both you and your partner feel about each other on a deeper level. When you connect with your significant other on an emotional and intellectual level, you’ll likely have a richer sexual relationship as a result.
Spiritual intimacy: If you hold spiritual beliefs, sharing the same worldview with your partner affords you both an opportunity for even deeper intimacy. In contrast, if you come from different schools of thought, you can still learn a lot from each other and grow closer as a result.
Spiritual Intimacy - the connection between two people over a system of beliefs.
Romantic partners might be devoted to more than just each other.
Both people, or maybe just one, might also have a religious life in which they believe in the existence of a god, a higher power, or some other divine or special being. Couples who have a spiritual life will find spiritual intimacy integral to their relationship’s well-being.
Couples building spiritual intimacy will find that practicing religion together can strengthen emotional intimacy and fortify a long-term or marriage relationship.
For some, spiritual matters are crucial to finding a partner of the same faith.
Historically, this was common practice—single people and matchmakers would seek out like-minded individuals as partners—and still is in some parts of the world.
Today, however, spiritual relationships can be more fluid; people with different views on God’s love, the afterlife, and prayer are more likely to intermingle and experience a rich spiritual closeness.
Examples of Spiritual Intimacy
Spiritual intimacy can take many forms, many of which benefit the spouses or partners and the health of their relationship. Signs of spiritual intimacy include:
Clear support: Faith offers many people a support system. You can give your partner prayer requests in hard times to know they are considering you and your relationship needs.
Emotional closeness: Discussing faith can mean pondering life’s big questions. This can open couples up to one another and lead to sharing feelings and tighter bonds.
Physical intimacy: Some faiths prescribe how to practice physical intimacy. This can give couples clear guidelines with which to work. Similarly, practicing faith can bring people closer, intensifying their sexual chemistry.
Strong trust: Sharing a set of beliefs can elicit greater trust. Knowing another person’s value system often means understanding how they will behave and what practices they will follow.
How to Foster a Spiritual Connection With Someone
You can engender a stronger spiritual relationship in a few ways. Consider the following methods to promote spiritual growth in a relationship:
Celebrate high holidays. Infuse the high holidays with festive flair and enthusiasm. You can also celebrate the holidays of other religions with friends and family who practice them to give you a deeper appreciation of others’ faith.
Commit to self-love. Practice kindness when it comes to yourself and your interactions with your partner and others. When you love your true self and practice radical self-acceptance, you are better prepared to accept and love others, too—maybe even despite their flaws.
Practice your faith. Set aside time to practice your religion with your partner. You might attend a study group (such as a Bible study), visit a house of worship, or even listen to a spiritual podcast together.
Share your weaknesses. To forge a deeper connection, share your shortcomings and the ways in which faith has been instrumental in your personal growth. Be truthful with your partner.
Emotional Intimacy - the vulnerability and trust that significant others build with one another to sustain a healthy relationship.
This form of intimacy shows emotional support between romantic partners.
Intimate relationships rely on more than physical attraction; building emotional bonds can increase relationship satisfaction and make each person feel appreciated, heard, and loved.
A lack of emotional intimacy can make partners feel distant and unloved.
Examples of Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy can take many forms. Consider the following qualities of an emotionally intimate partner and examples of how to express emotional intimacy:
Appreciative: Expressing thanks is a small act that can quickly communicate how much your partner means to you and how you appreciate their help and support.
Vulnerable: Being vulnerable is a crucial aspect of emotional intimacy. Openly expressing your feelings invites your partner to do the same and shows that no topic is taboo.
Supportive: Stay attuned to your partner’s needs to build emotional intimacy. If your partner experiences stress, be present and available and volunteer to step in and assist.
Thoughtful: Sometimes, it’s the little things that display emotional intelligence: You can buy your partner flowers or gifts, take them out for a date night, or write them a card on a special day or anniversary. Proactively showing affection is an excellent way to express love for your partner.
How to Build Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy contributes to the success of a sustained relationship. Consider the following methods to build emotional vulnerability in a relationship:
Ask your partner how they feel. Sharing your emotions is a necessary process in a successful relationship. Ask your partner how they feel, and know they may return the question to you. Be thoughtful about what you share and express. Practicing vulnerability with each other can help build trust in a relationship.
Change up your routine. Changing daily habits and patterns in your relationship can show new paths outside the comfort zone that may invite greater vulnerability.
Give affirmations freely. Sometimes, you get what you give. If you readily provide words of affirmation, your partner may return compliments to you and stimulate a stronger emotional bond.
Keep a journal. You may have an easier time writing down feelings than expressing them outwardly. Keep a journal to connect with your emotions and better understand how to communicate them with others.
See a relationship coach. Therapists or relationship coaches can help partners better understand how they communicate and show emotional intimacy toward one another.
Sexual Intimacy - a connection between sexual partners that relies on simultaneous physical attraction and emotional vulnerability.
The physical act of sex can be stimulating, but deeper feelings, trust, and care promote sexual chemistry in intimate relationships.
Building sexual intimacy through an emotional connection can lead to more satisfying sexual experiences.
Sexual, emotional, experiential, intellectual, and physical intimacy all contribute to healthy, lasting relationships.
Sexually Intimate vs. Sexually Disconnected
Sexually intimate and sexually disconnected relationships can both involve physical contact and genital stimulation, but they differ emotionally.
Sexual intimacy comes from a positive place: a generosity between sexual partners and a desire to pleasure one another.
Sexual intimacy necessitates vulnerability, risk-taking, and trust.
Sexually disconnected partners, meanwhile, might have sex but struggle with trust and other forms of intimacy, such as nonsexual physical touch or emotional intimacy.
In disconnected relationships, partners want to experience sexual pleasure, but the sex often becomes more rote and less intense.
This might happen to long-term relationships or married couples not working on spicing up their sex life.
Sometimes, couples without intimacy stop having sex entirely, which can breed resentment.
Benefits of Sexual Intimacy
Building sexual intimacy can have several physical and mental health benefits. Consider the following advantages:
Connectivity: Sexual intimacy brings two people closer through communication and understanding. Deep emotional bonds can lead to better sex. Emotional connectedness is an important factor for sexual activity involving kink and sexual fantasies.
Endorphins: Sex releases feel-good endorphins that lead to stress reduction and happiness, which help your overall well-being.
Mental health: Sex can center your breathing and help you relax, improving your mental health.
Self-esteem: Awakening your sexual self and feeling desired by another can increase your self-esteem and make you move through the world more confidently.
How to Build Sexual Intimacy
If you have intimacy issues or want to build sexual chemistry with a new partner, try these tactics:
Ask your partner what they want. All relationships require open communication, particularly when it comes to sex. See if your partner has any preferences and support their desires.
Delay sex. With new couples, delaying sex can increase desire. Waiting a little longer to have sex can keep a charge in the air and boost your sex drive.
Give new positions a try. Change your regular sexual practices; you may find that you like something new. You can also try having sex at different times of the day to see if your mood shifts.
Keep a journal. Writing about intimacy in a journal can help you identify issues and relationship needs.
See a sex therapist. Couples and individuals can also start sex therapy. Professional sex therapists give partners prompts and techniques to break down barriers, speak more openly, and engage in more vulnerable sexual activity.
Nonphysical Ways to Foster Sexual Intimacy
Kissing and vaginal, anal, and oral sex involve physical touch, but there are also nonphysical ways for romantic partners to practice foreplay or foster sexual intimacy.
Sexting—sending sexy text messages—is one way to stimulate you and your partner, and sustained eye contact or verbal banter and flirting are other methods to manifest attraction.
Sometimes, these acts lead to physical intimacy, such as hugging, kissing, or cuddling.
However, they do not have to—withholding from sex can augment sexual desire and lead to more satisfying sexual experiences.
Most fantasy can be placed along a spectrum where there are 3 main points: soft magic at one end, hard magic at the other, and a middle ground between the two.
Soft Magic
Magic that is not well-defined for the reader.
Generally, we don’t understand where the magic comes from, who can use it, or what its limitations are.
Readers can see this type of magic being used.
But they can never anticipate when magic will be used in the plot because they can’t begin to guess how it works.
You can’t break a rule if the rules don’t exist!
Most stories that feature this system will have the magic users be secondary characters, allowing them to avoid explaining exactly how the magic works.
It’s also argued that without knowing everything about the magic, it tends to hold more wonder and excitement for readers.
Hard Magic
Has very rigid boundaries.
Readers know where the magic comes from, how it’s used, who uses it, and what its boundaries and limitations are.
We know the limitations of the characters and can understand why they can’t simply magic themselves out of any particular challenge.
Stories with hard magic systems do not need to avoid the main character being a magic-wielder, as they have the capacity to explain to the reader what is going on.
A lot of writers this system because it gives them very explicit guidelines to follow in their plot and creates some more satisfying pay-offs for readers.
The Middle Ground
The meeting point between the soft and hard systems.
We might understand a bit about the way the magic works, but not all our questions are answered.
While most of the content adheres to rules, these rules aren’t fully explored.
This system relies on the reader’s suspension of disbelief.
The main character can be a magic-wielder or not, and it’s up to the writer to determine when magic will be used in terms of plot.
How to Choose a System
You can and should use these guiding principles to build your magic system. Remember that you don’t have to choose one or the other. Your system can draw from aspects of both. Just stay aware of the weaknesses of the path you choose, and ensure you utilize its strengths.
Use a hard magic system if:
You are going to use magic to solve problems
Your audience is accustomed to the tropes of hard magic
You are okay with jumping through hoops to expand your system
Your magic doesn’t convey a theme
Use a soft magic system if:
You want to convey a theme through magic
You want to create a sense of wonder
You want the ability to expand easily
You want to be accessible to a broader audience
Your magic won’t regularly be used to solve problems
Branches of Magic
Like most writing processes, there isn’t really a correct place to begin designing a magic system. A common, and efficient, place to start, however, is by choosing what type of magic system(s) you wish to employ, such as:
Nature-based magic: water, earth, fire, air, and everything in between
Divination magic: see beyond sight and peer through time and space
Conjuring magic: move objects through space over any distance
Psychic magic: master the world of the mind
Life and death magic: tap into the very forces of life, death, and un-death with this surprisingly versatile collection
Animal- or creature-exclusive magic: some creatures just do it better
Magitech systems: the blurring lines of sorcery and science give magic a next-gen, high-tech flair
Eclectic magic: it doesn’t have to be “real” magic to have a real effect
Uncommon magic systems: the unsung heroes of fantasy magic
AALC Method
How to create your own magic system using the AALC (Appearance, Abilities, Limits & Cost) Method
Appearance
What the magic looks like
Makes the world feel more exotic
Can cause problems for characters but cannot solve them
Usually tied to a character arc
Abilities
What the magic does
Points calculated based on magical effect, range, number of people affected, and duration
Characters have a finite amount of fuel (mana) to use abilities
More powerful abilities require more fuel
The fuel does not have to be overt for the audience to understand
If points not overt, cannot solve conflicts unless a cost system is added
Limits
Unlimited uses of magical abilities
Abilities stratified in codified levels defined by their limits
The more the levels' abilities and limits are known by the audience, the more they can be used to solve conflicts
Focused on clever uses of abilities against stronger foes
Cost system can be added to enhance dramatic moments
Cost
Costs must be greater than or equal to abilities to make them dramatically satisfying
Costs can include time, exhaustion, materials, sanity, morality, etc.
Adds dilemma to magic by forcing characters to make choices
The greater the character's sacrifice, the more audience satisfaction at conflict resolution
Each system builds on the previous ones, so that Cost Systems use all four, while Point Systems only care about Abilities and Appearance.
Multiple systems can exist within the same story, and systems can harden over the course of the story.
The Force, for instance, has been a Soft, Point, Level, and Cost System depending on who wrote it at the time.
SOFT SYSTEMS (Appearance Only)
Window Dressing - magic for secondary characters; can instigate conflict but cannot solve it; e.g., Gandalf
Soft Villain - No explanation or upper limits needed; makes villains more powerful to make heroes greater underdogs; e.g., The Emperor
Chosen One - Unknown power keeps hero safe throughout story; can be considered plot armor unless earned through character arc
Sort Hero Incomplete - Curse or positive ability the character cannot control; hero still learning limits of ability at story's end; powers and arc continued in next adventure
Soft Hero Complete - Hero embraces ability to complete arc and solve main conflict; magic must become harder in subsequent adventures
POINT SYSTEMS (Appearance + Abilities)
Points Opaque - Non-explicit reservoir of energy fuels powers; cannot solve main problems without cost option because characters finding hidden energy reserve feels like deus ex machina
Points Hard - Both abiliites and points system must be explicit like in video games; becomes about resource management; easy to understand but takes sense of wonder out of magic
LEVEL SYSTEMS (Appearance + Abilities + Limits)
Soft Level Static - Unchanging power without upper limits; cannot solve conflicts because feels repetitive; power must be used cleverly; e.g., Wolverine's healing factor
Soft Level Advancing - Increased powers or new powers with unknown limits; cannot solve conflicts unless tied to a character arc like Soft Hero Complete, at which point "unlocks" new abilities
Hard Level Static - Unchanging abilities with clear-cut limits; can solve conflicts so long as setup is properly seeded, usually resulting in sacrifice; e.g., Genie
Hard Level Advancing - Well-established abilities with limits; can solve conflicts based upon clever uses of abilities, usually against stronger foes; e.g., Airbender
COST SYSTEMS (Appearance + Abilities + Limits + Cost)
Static Cost - Well-established cost remains consistent for each use of ability; can solve conflicts since based on personal sacrifice
Cost Fluctuating - Costs change based upon dramatic need; costs must be greater than or equal to ability; possible costs include lost time, money, sanity, health, memory, life, morality, etc.
Having a conversation with a few friends at once can be fun, fast, and full of crosstalk and chit-chat.
For a fiction writer, writing dialogue between multiple characters in one scene should give the illusion of a real life conversation, but with less small talk and more conflict.
Once you learn how to write for multiple characters, you can craft great dialogue that creates a scene rich with tension, exposition, and character development.
Writing Dialogue for Multiple Characters
In a scene with several characters engaged in conversation, it’s important to make the conversation easy to follow. Learn how to shape a conversation between multiple characters with these dialogue tips and techniques:
Format your dialogue for clarity. When you write dialogue, format it so that it clearly stands out from the rest of the text. The most common way to do this is with quotation marks. When a character speaks, use double quotation marks. If they quote someone else, use single quotation marks for the quote within their dialogue. Know how to punctuate dialogue properly within double and single quotes. Begin a new paragraph of dialogue when you switch characters. Formatting helps dialogue stand out on the page and makes it easier for readers to interpret as speech.
Use dialogue tags sparingly. Writing “he said” and “she said” is a universal way to identify the speaker in literature. It’s particularly helpful when there are more than two characters in a scene. After that first line, make sure to mix dialogue tags with other ways of identifying the speaker. Have characters refer to one another by name.
Stage your characters. In visual mediums, like film, television, and theater, it’s easy to see who is speaking. In theater, actors are positioned in front of an audience and move so they are in plain view at all times. When you establish the setting of your scene, stage it—even if you’re writing a novel. Create a visual of where each character is in relation to the setting and in relation to one another. This makes it easier for the reader to track the conversation in their mind.
Write dialogue with action. In a scene with dialogue, give every character something to do that creates movement. This further establishes them physically in the scene for readers. It also continues the momentum of the plot. Movement can include body language and facial expressions. Actions differentiate multiple characters, and they can also reveal emotions through subtext. Giving each character a physical role helps set the scene and allows the reader to track who’s speaking during a tense exchange.
Create a unique voice for every character. Every character should have a unique voice that identifies them. Make characters’ voices unique through accents, word choice, or speech patterns. This helps readers recognize who’s speaking with just a single line. A character’s voice can reveal a lot about them, like age, culture, and where they’re from. A high school student talking to their best friend will use different lingo than a CEO running a business meeting.
Keep it real. When you write dialogue in fiction, make it believable. Listen to your own dialogue when you speak with other people. Take that and filter it. Eliminate the common mistakes people make when speaking. Real life dialogue often uses filler words like “um,” “like,” and “uh.” In creative writing, craft lines of dialogue without those unnecessary fluff words that slow the scene down. In a character's dialogue, don’t ramble, keep pleasantries to a minimum, and skip the small talk. Keep every piece of dialogue deliberate so that it supports the scene and the overall conflict.
Read dialogue out loud. The best way to know if your dialogue works is to read it out loud. Choose dialogue examples from your story. Read those lines of dialogue to yourself or someone else. Does your dialogue sound like real people conversing? Good dialogue should sound natural. Bad dialogue will sound clunky and awkward. As you read, listen to cues for who is speaking to see if you can follow the different voices and tell who’s who.
Avoid introducing new characters during a conversation. When you create a scene with multiple people in conversation with one another, only use characters readers are already familiar with. Introducing readers to new characters in a group setting can be confusing. They’ll spend time trying to figure out how this new character is relevant to the story rather than following what the characters are talking about.
Give characters opposing views. Every character in a scene should have goals that conflict with one another. It’s easier to follow characters when they have a unique point of view and they’re passionate about the views they’re expressing. Contrasting characters also build conflict. If there’s no sense of conflict or tension in a scene, make sure it serves a purpose in your story.
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