There was anger, occasionally. Sharp,hot anger that sliced her.
But most of the time it was silence.
She hadnāt felt anything in months. Had days when she didnāt really know where she was or what sheād done. They passed swiftly and yet dripped by.
So did the months. Sheād blinked, and winter had fallen. Blinked, and her body had turned too thin. As hollow as she felt.
- a court of frost and starlight
āāāāāāāāāāāāāā
Iām wasted, losing time
Iām a foolish, fragile spine
I want all that is not mine
I want him but weāre not right
In the darkness I will meet my creators
And they will all agree, that Iām a suffocator
Iām looking for people to participate in a huge book exchange. You can be anywhere in the world. All you have to do is buy your favorite book (just one, used and any edition is fine!) and send it to a stranger (I'll send their details through in a private message).
Youāll receive a roughly maximum of 36 books back to you, to keep. They'll be favorite books from strangers around the world!
If you are interested in taking part, please comment āINā below or message me and I'll send you all the details!
srsly tho this is absolutely a thing that dudes do all the f***ing time
like where if he knows a girl doesnāt necessarily want to give him a hug, he will trap her in this position in front of witnesses where she has 2 options- both of which are undesirable for her, while simultaneously desirable for him
if she doesnāt want to hug him, whatever she does, it will suck for her.
she can 1. say nah and be the fucking asshole in front of other pplĀ or 2. forsake her corporeal boundaries and allow unwanted intimate contact
Story time.
One day I was on the MAX (basically a giant street car that goes all over the metro area) on my way to meet up with a few friends. I didnāt look at anyone, I didnāt speak to anyone, I just stood to the side on my phone making sure I wasnāt going to be late to my meeting.
Out of no where, this guy comes up to me and starts to chat me up. Me, being who I am, am absolutely terrified to tell this guy to f*** off. He was at least half a foot taller than me, and was way too bulky for me to fight back. So I suck it up at humor him, say hello. Before introducing himself or asking me for my name, he asks me out on a date. Not wanting to piss him off I try to make light of the situation and I laugh, telling him that my boyfriend wouldnāt like the idea, but thank you for the offer. He just shrugs and says, āHe doesnāt need to know.ā
At this point Iām scared out of my mind. Thereās this guy who, after seeing me run two blocks to catch the train, comes up to me and has made it perfectly clear that he wasnāt going to leave without getting something out of me.
I deny him a second time, saying, āI donāt even know youāre name. Weāre strangers, I donāt know you.ā He finally introduces himself and asks me for my phone number. I tell him I donāt give my number out to people Iāve just met and he says, āFine, but at least take mine so we can meet up later.ā So he watches me plug his number into my phone (which I deleted as soon as I knew I was safe and away from him) as weāre pulling up to my stop. I tell him I need to leave and switch trains and he tells me, āOh, Iāll wait with you. I donāt have any plans, so Iām in no rush.ā Itās important to note what at this point he had previously told me that he was late to a job interview, but he has all the time in the world because he still hasnāt gotten what he wanted from me; a yes.
I get off of the train and he follows me, and waits at the platform with me for over ten minutes until my train arrives, asking me all sorts of personal questions about where I live and where I was going that day. As soon as the train pulls up he grabs for me and says, āDo I at least get a hug before you go?ā
I was terrified. I was embarrassed. This dude, who before even asking me for my name asks me out on a date and then continues to harass me after I tell him I have a boyfriend, asks me for a hug only fifteen minutes after meeting. People around us were staring at me, as if I was being rude for denying him, and every inch of me was mortified. I wanted to run, but I felt like if I had done that he would have chased after me and things would have gotten worse. So I did, and he squeezed me so tight I felt like I was going to burst. It took me a good ten seconds to get him to let go and I ran to the train car just as the doors were closing. He was trying to get me to miss my train so I would have to wait with him even longer. I would have been stuck there for over a half an hour until the next train came by, and the platform (aside from the few buses coming by) was now COMPLETELY EMPTY. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing and he knew EXACTLY how to get me alone with him.
People, if you are in a situation like this do not feel obligated to give in. If someone is making you uncomfortable and asks to touch you in any way, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SAY YES. Make excuses, be blunt, just straight up say ānoā. If possible, go to someone else near by who you think can help you and ask them to help you. Itās important for guys to learn that they canāt get what they want just by asking over and over again.
I got lucky. But not everyone does. Please, everyone, Be Safe.
So I was on the transit bus alone one time. This was my first time riding, and so already I was PETRIFIED. I sit down, pull out my ipod, and begin to play some games. This guy sits down next to me, and begins trying to have a conversation. I donāt really respond, I donāt even look at him, just give half-hearted āmhmās and āohās, as I donāt want to be rude if he was just striking up a friendly conversation. He then asks me on a date.
Now, as I stated before, I already was absolutely petrified. My heart stopped and I didnāt know how to answer. So I just didnāt. He didnāt let up and I could feel his eyes on me. I quietly stammer out a āno thanksā and my stop HAPPENS to be coming up, so I pull the string thing to let the driver know I want to stop there, and once we stop and the doors open I get up and he asks me, āWell, can I at least have a hug before you go if you wonāt go on a date with me?āĀ
This makes me break. There are now people staring, as we are the only people standing up and not getting offā¦ So I just start crying. Hell, I am bawling almost instantly. He looks so fucking freaked out and people are now getting up to come over and comfort me/question him. I donāt stop crying, and he keeps trying to comfort me by touching me, and people are yelling at him for that.Ā
AND THEN. AND. FUCKING. THEN. THE GOD DAMN BUS DRIVER. A VERY EASILY 6 FOOT BURLY MAN. COMES OVER TO US. PULLS THE GUY AWAY. AND KNEELS DOWN. HE THEN ASKS, IN THE MOST CALM VOICE, āDid you request the stop?ā I very slowly and shakily nod, as I am still crying my eyes out. He then asks, āDo you want to get off?ā I give a quiet āmhmā and nod once again, and he offers me his hand. I take it, he stands up, and he escorts me off the bus. He asks me questions such as where I was going next, if I was going to meet someone shortly, if I was going to transfer buses from there. He was very polite and waited for me to answer the entire time, and my friend (who I was going to be meeting there) showed up. He asked me if this was someone I knew, I said yes, and he said alright, have a good day. He then told me- and this is something stuck in my mind forever, so it is word for word-
āIf some guy EVER starts harassing you like that again, do exactly what you did there. Cry. Cry and scream and have a temper tantrum. Not only will it throw him off, but it will get others to notice. They might not interfere, they might, but you will have gotten their attention and if you happen to go missing the next day the search for you will be a hell of a lot easier because everyone in that location will have seen you screaming and crying with a guy now very awkward with his actions. They will know. That is what my daughter did, and three days after she went missing she was back in my arms. I pray for you and every other person like you who has this done. You stay safe now, okay?ā And after I began blubbering again, I nodded and he left.
So this is the second lesson for yall. If you can not have the courage to say no or make an excuse, cry. Let out those sobs and tears and cry your heart out. Because it is going to make people notice and make people aware.
Also, as an additional tip (in case you cannot cry on command or such), you can say, āNo, because youāre creepy/creeping me outā and if he persists or tries to laugh it off, say āI do not want to be touchedā and look at one of the strangers/persons that is watching.
It:
1. Gives them a sense of urgency in the situation, as the eye contact is a way to make them feel as though you are personally asking for their help and it is now their obligation to help.
2. Contains words so that if youāre in a public place but people arenāt necessarily watching, then they (as natural evesdroppers) can overhear the attention-grabbing words and then notice the situation. Note, this does NOT mean that they will come for help, but you might be able to look someone in the eye (as previously mentioned) or just get some peopleās attention.
3. It shows that you have fight in you. As with rapists, those who are physically aggressive (ie. these huggers) choose women they see as an easy target. The moment you show them you are going/willing to fight them, they are less likely to continue. Sadly, this is not always the case, but every little bit helps.
Hopes this also helps, guys, and Iām so sad that this has to even be a post we need.
Dudes who follow me: 1) reblog this 2) donāt be the creepy guy who asks random women for hugs 3) be aware of your friends or random creepy dudes and call them out if they act gross towards girls/womem
Ok, I wasnāt going to comment about this, because there was no way of doing it without talking about a part of my life I really didnāt want to. But fuck that, there be young girls out there who need a hand.
So I used to be hot when I was young. I mean, model hot, because I actually used to model. Even now, Iāve let myself go on purpose because I was tired of the harassment. But I fit a UK size 6 with a pert ass from volleyball and a cup c breast. As you can imagine, I couldnāt wear anything or go ANYWHERE without being harassed. I sometimes even happened in church.
Anyway, Iām not a shrinking lily, and when I get angry enough I can do some crazy shit. So here are some of my coping mechanisms:
1) find a matronly looking lady, run up to her with āaunt may! I havenāt seen you in ages! ā then whisper āplease help heās harassing me!ā. 99.9 times out of 100, she will be scandalised and help you anyway even if sheās annoyed or in a hurry. If no older lady is available, find a younger one, or a nun, or a trans lady. We of the sisterhood know what it is to be harnessed, and I guarantee if you look frightened enough, they will help.
2) If you are out alone at night, and someone is following you, spot a house or apartment where the lights are on and knock, asking āmumā or ādadā or ājohnā to let you in. Even if the people inside are annoyed, odds are they wonāt turn you away, and you can phone someone to pick you up, or phone the police from a safe space
3) Make noise. Cry and scream loudly, call them out āi donāt know you and you are terrifying me! Please get away from me!ā if there are people around. Even if they donāt help directly for fear of their own safety, someone around you is calling security or 911.
4) speak a foreign language. If you know it, speak the language to them fast and incessantly, like you have just met someone you knew and youāre just giving the best performance rant of why your OTP is the best OTP. Make yourself ANNOYING. Think about what would be awkward and annoying to you and make it what you do to them. If you make them think YOU are something to get away from they will leave you in peace.
Now beware, the following ones are the CRAZY ones and may not always work. But they are a valid last resort:
5) stare at them. Stare at them like youāre hungry and they are a hapless deer youāre going to tear to pieces. Like yours the girl from the ring emerging from the TV to kill them. Donāt smile, donāt change your expression. DONāT BLINK. Hold their state like youāre Wednesday Adams about to do unspeakable things to a spider, and they are the spider. Even the most courageous of stalkers balk at this, but if they donātā¦
6) Use the Hannibal Lector. After staring at them for and extended period of time (imagine all the things that have made you scared, imagine you could get revenge on them for putting you here, thatās the thought you need to have), if they are getting closer to you, whisper something like āi would fry your liver in garlicā. Even the hardiest ones will be taken aback, but keep it up while making sure you donāt let the others hear you. Things like, occult star readings requiring blood, wondering whether he is the offering the spirits sent. If youāre on this site youāve read some weird shit at least once. Tell him that. Tell him you would like him to meet your lord, Vlad the Impaler, who requires much blood to be appeased. Be a stereotypical ācrazy bitchā like they see in the movies. Believe it or not, this has worked for me twice.
Above all, banish the notion that you have to be polite.
They were impolite by approaching you. If you can, ignore them. If you are not alone, pointedly put headphones in your ear, and donāt make eye contact, wait for them to realise that āyoure a bitch anywayā and move away. If you are alone, evade and find places and ways to fix that as soon as POSSIBLE.
Never underestimate the power of a good āEXCUSE me????ā
Legit. It makes people STOP IN THEIR TRACKS. This is the one I whip out when people start swearing at me over the headset and always, without fail, they stop what theyāre saying, shocked.
Go for offended, and go for loud. Not yelling loud, but giving-your-best-presentation loud. āEXCUSE me??? You approached me two minutes ago, I donāt even know your name, and you want WHAT? Creep.ā
For one, the presentation will shock them. For another, that indignant tone? EVERYONE AROUND YOU IS GOING TO WANT TO LISTEN TO THIS JUICY SHIT.
Now the second key here is, DONāT LET HIM JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). He smiles and goes āI just wantedāā FUCKING INTERRUPT HIM. Firmly. Irritably. āI heard what you wanted, and Iāve already declined once. Maybe you should go back to kindergarten where they teach you no means no.ā Run right over the fucker. Heās not respecting your words, you donāt need to respect his.
A further note: if youāre an iPhone user, you can use Siri to call 911. (I know Android has a similar function, but I donāt know what it isāplay with your AI and find out.) If youāre in a secluded area, this works well; I used to walk home from work at 2am and had to do it twice. Make eye contact with your harasser, activate Siri, and loudly, firmly say āSiri, call 911.ā Siri will immediately reply ācalling emergency services.ā (It actually takes five seconds to activate, but thereās a Call Now button if you need it.) Almost ALWAYS the person harassing you would rather take off than wait for you to get a dispatcher on the line.
So...itās been a few months, but this is finally here! I hope you enjoy. Any comments, suggestions, likes or reblogs are appreciated!
Iāve created a Masterlist for the other chapters and any other fics I do. Let me know if you have any specific requests, whether it be prompts, certain scenes you would like to see or any pairings. My schedule is becoming more open, so I will have more time to write these fics!
Chapter 7 should be up tomorrow.
Chapter 6 NSFW(ish)
TW: Discussion of Sexual Assault
Cassian was speechless and Nesta wasnāt sure if that was a good thing. Heād said that he felt the same way just this morning, but what if he didnāt want her? What if despite what he felt he thought she was just too cold and too broken?
āCassian,ā Nesta started, her voice unsure. āI know that Iām hard to be around, stubborn and cold. Iām selfish and I judge others too often and Iāve done a lot of things Iām not very proud of. So I understand if you donāt want meāā
āNesta Iāā
āNo, let me finish. There are many parts of myself that I need to face, to accept, and to heal. But this part,ā Nesta pressed her palm to Cassianās chest. āThis part I want to heal with you.ā
Cassianās lips parted and he placed his hand over hers. His lips were inches from hers and his hazel eyes were burning. A storm raged within them.
āNesta, I know who you are. And I want you, flaws and all.ā
Nesta felt tears trail down her cheeks and closed her eyes as Cassian took her face in his hands and wiped them away with his thumbs. She curled her fingers in his shirt, bringing him closer to her.
Cassian spoke again, his voice hoarse with grief and longing. āThe war took so much from us. It is going to take time for all of us to heal, but I donāt want to a lose another moment I could have spent with you.ā
He crushed his lips to hers, warm and demanding, but gentle. Nesta dragged her hands through his dark hair and opened her mouth for him.
She kissed him with desperation, weeks of yearning pouring through her. Cassian moved his hands from her face down her shoulders and to her waist. He clutched the silk of her nightgown in his fist and wrapped his hands around her back, tugging her closer. Nesta walked into him, moving them towards the bed. Cassian fell back onto the mattress, pulling Nesta over him.
āNesta,ā he breathed into her mouth. She molded her body to his, covering it like that day against Hybern, only this time there was no threat against them, no injuries or wars or unsaid words keeping them apart. His hands trailed down her back, over her behind and gripped her thighs. He pulled her legs so that they were positioned on either side of him, so she could feel every inch of his desire against her. Her breathing was ragged and a wave of heat washed over her.Ā
Cassian moved his lips to her throat and Nesta let out a soft moan.
āNesta, do you want toāā
āYes,ā
Cassian gripped her thighs tighter at her answer. āWe can stop any time you want--ā
āI donāt want to stop, but thereās something I want to tell you first.ā Nesta pulled away so she could see his face.
āOf course.ā Cassian scanned her face, waiting patiently for her to continue.
Nesta took a breath to steady herself.Cassian swallowed and cleared his head of the lust-filled haze that had washed over him. He was still shocked she was even here with him, that she had opened herself up to him like this. He wanted her so bad it hurt, but he wouldnāt rush her, wouldnāt make her feel like she had to do anything. He remembered the way she had reacted those months ago at her familyās estate when he asked her if sheād ever been with a man. He tried not to let himself think about what might have happened to her, what some monster might have done. She would tell when she was ready, or she wouldnāt. It was her decision and he wouldnāt take that away from her by demanding she talk to him about it.
Nesta began to speak. āBack when I was human, I was engaged.ā
Cassian couldnāt stop his eyes from widening. That was not what he was expecting to hear.
āI didnāt love him, but his family had more money than ours. Not much, but enough to have a hot meal every night. I knew I could never do what Feyre didāgo out and hunt like that. I didnāt have the patience or the skill and I didnāt want to give my father another excuse to sit back and do nothing. I thought that if I married this man, I could get Elain and Feyre out of poverty, or at least gain our family enough social standing so that they could find decent husbands who would be able to care for them, maybe even find someone they loved.
āThe next week I broke off the engagement.ā Nestaās hands began to shake. Cassian took them in his own, rubbing circles across them in an attempt to soothe her, to distract himself from the dread he felt at hearing the rest of her story, of what might have happened.
Nesta stared at their hands. āHe was angry and heāhe tried to rape me.ā
Cassian felt sick to his stomach, felt rage welling in his chest. He wanted to demand the manās name, ask where he lived. Wanted to beg her to let him hunt the bastard down and kill him. Slowly.
But he saw the shadows in her eyes, saw her retreating into the memory. He didnāt want her to stay trapped in that darkness. He sat up so that their faces were only inches apart and gently lifted her chin so that she met his gaze.
āHe said that heād have me, married or not. That after heād finished with me heād go after Elain, and Feyre, too, if she ever returned. Until Hybern, I had never known such a fearāfor myself and for my sisters. I clawed my way free before he got what he wanted, but in those moments he stole everything from me. My body, my mind, my very soul. I was ashamed, even though what he did and tried to do wasnāt my fault. I was scared, tooāI was afraid heād come back for me, or Elain.Ā
āFor a long time, I lost myself. It was worse after the Cauldron, when again my body was taken from me. And after that last battle with Hybernā¦I donāt know how long it will take, or if I ever will, but I want to try to put the pieces of myself back together. And I want to try and gain this piece back, with you.ā
Rules: answer the 20 questions and tag 20 people you would like to get to know better!
I was tagged by @wolffrising, thanks for the mention!
Name: Emma
Nickname: Em
Zodiac: Sagittarius
Height: 5 feet 2 inches
Orientation: heterosexual
Nationality: USA
Favorite Fruits: strawberries, kiwi, pineapple
Favorite season: Fall. I absolutely love the changing colors, the crisp air, and wearing sweaters!
Favorite books: I have so many, but to name a few, the whole ACOTAR trilogy by Sarah J. Maas--especially A Court of Mist and Fury, Uprooted by Naomi Novik, The Remnant Chronicles trilogy by Mary E. Pearson, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, Strange the Dreamer by Laini Taylor, and the Six of Crows duology by Leigh Bardugo.
Favorite Flowers: lilies, roses, and tulips
Favorite scents: pine, mango, jasmine
Favorite colors: blue, purple, green
Favorite animals: wolves, ravens, tigers
Coffee, Tea, or Hot Chocolate: Tea, but only iced green, black, or white tea!
Average hours of sleep: about 6 to 8
Cat or dog person: I love both!
Favorite fictional characters: Nesta and Feyre Archeron, Rhys, Cassian, Lia from the Remnant Chronicles, Agnieszka from Uprooted, Hermione Granger, Daenerys Targaryen, Nina Zenik
Number of Blankets you sleep with: 3 because I get super cold!
Dream Trip: Anywhere in Latin America or Europe!
Blog Created: August 2017....I think...
Followers: 41 and I am thankful for each and every one of you guys! I literally started this blog for myself and never imagined ever even getting 10 followers, so thank you so much!
Hey guys! Sorry itās been so long since the last chapter, Iāve been busy with university and working and such, but Iāve finally managed to post this! Chapter 6 should be up over the next few days as well!
You can find the previous chapter here and the rest of the earlier chapters are linked on that post:
Nuala and Cerridwen brought Nesta spiced soup and honey rolls for dinner. She barely acknowledged their presence, too engrossed in her book. It had been the same way at lunch, except then the wraiths had brought a platter of bread and cheese. They left wordlessly, softly closing the doors to the library behind them, well aware of the consequences of disturbing a reading Nesta.
She finished the last page of her book and gently closed it, setting it aside and turning towards the soup. She broke a roll in half and dipped it into the orange liquid and brought it to her lips. She closed her eyes and stifled a groan as the spices touched her tongue. Feyre was certainly right about the food here: it was incomparable to the dull potatoes and cabbage they ate in the human realm. There were so many flavors here, most of which she had never dreamed of tasting.
As she ate her dinner, she wondered what Cassian was doing. She hadnāt seen him all day, not since she jilted him earlier. Though he had deserved it for insinuating that she would be so easily seduced.
At least thatās what she told herself.
It wasnāt that Nesta didnāt want to have sex with Cassian, it was just that she was nervous about it. She felt such an overpowering yearning for Cassian that had only grown stronger after the war. But she was afraid that the moment she let him touch her she would see Tomas. It was true that the commander had already touched her, and each time her core had filled with desire. But he had never tried to take off her clothes or touch any farther than her waist.
She did want to try with Cassian though, wanted to explore the desire she felt, toe the edges of whatever this bond was between them. But before she did that, she wanted him to know about what happened with Tomas. To know what taking that step with him would mean to her.
Nesta decided then and there that she would try and make love with Cassian, maybe even tonight. This gods-damned townhouse was usually so filled with fae ears and crude jokes that she didnāt know when she might have another chance. Not to mention that sheād likely lose her nerve within the hour.
So she finished her soup then took the dishes downstairs, hoping that she would run into the commander. Unfortunately, Cassian was nowhere to be found, so Nesta headed upstairs and into her bedchamber. She waited for him to knock on her door for an hour, but he never came. As the sun sunk further into the horizon and the sky darkened, Nesta rose from the edge of her bed and opened her wardrobe, pulling out a nightgown and a pair of matching underclothes, both black. Neither was too flashy--she didnāt want to seem desperate. And what if after she told him about what happened with Tomas he turned her away, deeming her too fragile?
She knew she was being silly, that Cassian wasnāt that kind of person, but still her doubts plagued her. Oh, she just wished he would come to her room already! Nesta unbraided her hair and let it fall in loose waves down her back. She stared at a bottle of perfume, but decided that if she was going to give herself to the commander tonight, she wanted to just be herself, no makeup or fragrances to hide behind.
Another hour passed, the sky outside her windows now black and glowing with stars. Nesta couldnāt even bring herself to admire the dazzling scene, all too aware that there was still no sign of Cassian. She huffed and rose from her vanity stool. She would have to go to him, it seemed.Ā
She left her room, gently closing the door behind her before padding barefoot down the hall, all the way to Cassianās room. She wondered if he was even there--half hoped he wasnāt--but an orange glow was visible from the crack beneath his door.
Nesta loosed a shaky breath and softly knocked.
Cassian had heard Nesta coming down the hall; the rapid pounding of her pulse gave her away. He opened the door immediately after her knock sounded.
āHello, Nesta. What can I do for you?ā He began a slow grin that he knew would rile her up, but his face froze when he saw her.
It was suddenly as if he couldnāt breathe, couldnāt think past the black nightgown hugging tightly to her curves, the hair that flowed freely past her shoulders.
āCan I come in?ā She asked softly.
āOf course,ā he said warily, stepping aside so she could enter his room.Ā āPlease, make yourself at home.ā
Nesta sat on a cushioned stool by the lit fireplace, the flames outlining the side of her face with orange and red and gold. She avoided his gaze, staring down at the pale toes peeking from under the hem of her nightgown.
āNesta?ā he asked, curiosity and concern forcing him to speak.Ā āWhat is it?ā
She looked up at him, flames dancing in her eyes. For once they were flames of desire, of passion--instead of anger.Ā āI think that I might even love you too, Cassian.ā
The words were an arrow through his heart, a sword through his chest. And yet again, Cassian found himself breathless.Ā
So, everyone seems to think that Nesta would be that girlfriend that comes off as kind of bitchy, right? Like, she fights with Cassian all the time and she pretends that she doesnāt love him as much as she does? Thatās an awesome theory. I like it, in fact. But I have another one.
Nesta is cold, yes. But I honestly donāt think sheād be like that towards Cassian. In fact, I think she would treat him like a King. He isnāt scared of her and heās proven that. He letās her be herself, no matter how scary she can be. When she finally letās herself fall for him, Nesta will fall completely. It will be clear to everyone who looks at them that Nesta belongs to Cassian.
I was just thinking about Cassian and Nesta and I justā¦ this. I want to see Nesta drop her guard for him. Completely. I want her to love him the way he loves her. ā¤
