This is 27th years old me and postpartum hormones speaking..
Pertama, aku bingung mau mulai dari mana. Apakah harus mulai dari sudah lama sejak aku membuka situs ini dan mengetik sesuatu? Atau haruskah aku mulai dari pengakuan banyak orang mengenai usia 27; "something just get unlocked, totally different than hitting 25" kalau kata dua sahabatku yang kebetulan sudah duluan menginjak 27.
Banyak hal sudah terlewati sejak terakhir aku curhat di sini. I ended that toxic relationship, I took the oath, I made it to Borneo to complete my obligatory clinical internship, I met a man who later took my hand in marriage and is the father to my lovely baby girl. Diceritakan seperti ini membuatnya terdengar sangat terburu-buru. Tapi sungguh bersama lelaki ini jiwaku merasa pulang. Mungkin itulah yang dinamakan jodoh. Hanya 2 tahun kurang sejak pertama berkenalan untuk kami menikah, dengan mayoritas waktunya dihabiskan membahas pernikahan meski sayang harus long-distance karena internship.
Setelah menikah, kami tidak langsung menargetkan untuk punya anak. Setelah memeriksakan diri ke dokter, ternyata aku punya PCO(S?). Mungkin itu biang masalah dari gangguan mood, gangguan tidur, gangguan metabolisme yang selama ini aku keluhkan. Ternyata selama ini, aku gagal ovulasi. Setelah usaha olahraga, jaga makan, dan minum suplemen, tidak disangka datanglah karunia itu. Aku hamil.
Trimester 1 sangat berat buatku. Kerjaan dokter jaga dan IGD benar-benar tidak sanggup aku lakukan karena energiku hilang. Mual-muntah pun memberat dengan terlewatnya waktu makan. Aku akhirnya resign di usia kehamilan 4 bulan. Meski di trimester 2 aku agak menyesali keputusan resign karena beberapa keluhan mulai membaik, tapi di trimester 3 penyesalan itu hilang kembali karena perutku tumbuh sangat besar. Seperti paus. Aku bisa terengah-engah untuk kegiatan sederhana. Untung aku sudah resign karena di trimester 3 aku energiku benar-benar habis. Sehari-hari aku hanya makan, tidur, dan rebahan.
Puji Tuhan, bayiku lahir dengan keadaan baik. Akupun sukses melewati proses melahirkan hidup-hidup. Namun, tidak ada yang mengalahkan rasa sakit menyusui. Aku dengan sadar akan lebih memilih lahiran lagi daripada menyusui pertama kali lagi.
Kalau aku boleh jujur, motherhood really is a secret society. You wouldn't understand a thing, unless you're part of it. Even when you've heard everything from me, or from other mothers, you wouldn't /get/ it. To be honest, I was shocked at first. By having a child, by becoming a mother, by being part of this secret society. I was angry too. To other mothers generally, to my own mother specifically. Why didn't she tell me firsthand before everything unfolded. Especially because she was the one insisting on not to delay having a child. But all of those are behind me now. Today, I'm grateful of my baby girl. She's a little piece of heaven for me after a hell of pregnancy and childbirth.
Postpartum really was not a joke. The moment I birthed the baby was the moment I was also born again as a whole new person. I saw differently, I acted differently, I thought differently. It's beyond the looks. I looked different that's for sure. Sometimes I look through my old photos thinking I miss that girl so much. But it's no use looking back. Stop trying to go back, it's gone. Right now I wish I could be kinder to my pre-pregnancy body. Maybe a few years from now, I would wish the same thing for this body. The body that birthed a cute baby girl.
I am actually so melancholic nearing my birthday. I am typing this as I wait for midnight to strike. An old habit of mine since I graduated high school. I let my mind wonder (or more like, spiraling). Is there anyone out there who's grateful of me being born. Is it childish? Yes, but it does matter to me. This year, actually, I would like to think I don't have a birthday. Because it just really sucks to know no one is grateful of me being born to this earth. Maybe except my baby, who doesn't speak yet.
