Remy But Worse

Christopher/28/male(?)/bi What is this

[cirrates]

monopoly mermaid monday

[tonysopranobignaturals-deactiva]

this should be required viewing in every economics class

[seat-safety-switch]

"Hey bro," says my buddy Wylescroft, "the news says aliens are real."

Sure, okay. Makes mathematical sense. "Are they buying our used cars?" I ask.

"No. They're doing some weird stuff to our brains. I don't get the news anymore now that it costs money. Ted in 4-A told me all about it when I was down doing laundry. You know the dryer is broken again?"

Fucking dryer. Of course it's busted, it's always busted. "Less competition for me, at least."

I return to endlessly searching the local classifieds for low-to-high-mileage 1970s economy cars. Or at least I try to, because I keep getting distracted by sirens as everyone outside is freaking the fuck out about something. Down the street, the police station is on fire, but that could be for any number of reasons. I close the blinds so the roaring flames stop flickering on my phone screen.

There's a good deal on a '75 Scamp. I pick up the phone and call directly, because that's the kind of thing that this sort of seller prefers. "Will you take $1000?" I ask as soon as they pick up, without looking at the original asking price.

"Yeah man, yeah. I gotta get out of this city. The Goddamn Martians are coming for our frontal lobes, man. You got cash?"

I realize I have highballed myself. "No," I tell him. "The coin dryer ate all of it. It's broken again, you know." I'll call back later with a fake voice and offer $500.

[pochowek]

where is “p diddy calls bjork”

[pochowek]

[niceinchnails]

[seat-safety-switch]

A truly great recliner is not just a gift to yourself. It's a present to your entire family, because they'll get some glorious moments alone after you pass out in it while watching the game. Even well before Ted Laz-E-Boy died from being crucified (recreationally) in 1962, people have been enjoying the recliners he left behind.

You are not as special as your kindergarten teacher told you that you are. Let's look at your home's seating configuration. Sure, you've probably got a couch or a sofa – Laz-E-Boy makes those too, they just don't try very hard – but they're not the same. Sleeping on a couch is sloppy, piggish. Sleeping in a recliner? Comfort. Think of it as being in the business class of your living room.

Or, if you're into cars, and we all know everyone on Earth is, there's another way to visualize it. Remember bench seats? Back when cars came with those, it was like driving around on a big sofa. You shared the same ass-cushion with everyone else in the car. Whenever you had to take a sharp corner, you were either holding on to the door card or the dashboard to keep from falling onto the driver. A recliner? That there is a bucket seat, like in a race car. A race car... for television.

We hope to be seeing you down at the mall. We're having an eternal going-out-of-business sale, and you can get discounts of up to 70% off the ugliest recliners we couldn't sell anywhere else. It's real easy to find us, too. Here at Laz-E-Boy, we're the only store left in your local mall, like a jungle fungus slowly breaking down an infested corpse. A jungle fungus, that is, of comfort.

[voidambassador]

[voidambassador]

[voidambassador]

[fruitsoftheape100]

A Fog Upon The Field, The First Cold Sighs Of Dawn

Entrenched, The Platoon Gathers To Put Their Helmets On…

[fruitsoftheape100]

Four Years We Lay In Waiting

All Huddled In The Grime

Until “At Last,” THE LIEUTENANT Said,

“I Do Believe It’s Time.”

He Brought His Bugle To His Lips;

Cold Silence Cracked Like Ice

He Blew The Horn With All His Might:

Once, Then Twice, Then Thrice

He Roused Us Then, His Soldiers Eight,

And Checked Our Bayonets.

“Let’s Rendezvous With Fate,” He Said,

“OVER THE TOP, CADETS!”

[fruitsoftheape100]

THE LIEUTENANT Led His Soldiers Then,

He Led Them Right Over The Top

One By One I Saw Them Go,

One By One I Saw Them Stop.

The First To Die Was SARGENT TONGUE,

His Body Blown To Bits

For A Stone Launched ‘Ere By Trebuchet

Did Smash The Ape To Grits

[fruitsoftheape100]

Next Went LITTLE MICKEY,

Who Passed Without A Peep

The Sneak Fell Down A Punji Pit

One Thousand Meters Deep

[fruitsoftheape100]

Then MR. RASCAL Perished,

Although His Fate I Did Not See

One Moment, There Was A Little Guy

The Next, Artillery

[fruitsoftheape100]

After That, SPOON LICKER

Charging Forward With Great Force,

Was Cut In Half Most Cleanly

By Papers Of Divorce

[fruitsoftheape100]

KILLING SPHERE, The Next One

His Death I Mustn’t Speak

All I Can Say Of The Loathsome Fellow

Is That He Simply Sprung A Leak

[fruitsoftheape100]

FUNNY GUY, I Hate To Say,

Failed To Survive The Raid

The Chap Slipped On A Banana Peel

And Was Impaled On His Own Blade

[fruitsoftheape100]

The Bell Rung Then For KINGDOM COME,

Who Had His Gun Into A Bomb Recast

The Lout Forgot This, Then Took Aim

He Perished In The Blast

[fruitsoftheape100]

That’s When THE LIEUTENANT,

Seeing His Troops’ Demise,

Turned To Me Most Solemnly

And Looked Into My Eyes:

“Go,” He Said Discreetly,

“And Let Me Die In This Disgrace;

Survive, Boy, I Beseech Thee:

Go Fuck Your Wife Posthaste.”

[fruitsoftheape100]

What Else For ME?

I Turned Away And Ran Like Never Before

And That’s How I Survived The Battle

And Fucked My Wife After The War

[dongboss]

Needed to get this off my chest to someone. But. I think someone should make Queen Elizabeth smoke a joint that's laced with weed so she dies. Literally foolproof

you want to give her a joint. laced. with weed. a joint. with weed in it. you want to give her a joint. and she looks at it and says. "oh a diet joint" and she goes to smoke it but then it's. it's weed. and she hates it? I think? and she dies. from the weed?

[roaldamundsen]

never ask a woman her age a man his salary your mutual how late it is in her timezone when she starts posting about that bisexual man

[roaldamundsen]

?

[roaldamundsen]

can people stop saying insane things on this post

[mxnrique]

HAPPY PRIDE

[hydrattan]

I was feeling agitated and artblocked yesterday so I decided to give my brain a rest by watching TV and then the next thing I knew these were in front of me

[taiwanesekid05]

[ganondorf]

[airframeextender]

pants around my ankles. puke everywhere---in my hair, all over the front of my shirt, in the hair on my legs, on my underwear. drying on my glasses. get the vacuum out. stumbling, pissing myself, one shoe missing. fucking faded off that madam

[games-for-gamers]

When a friend sends this to you, you know youve done something right

[sloppystyle]

[corpsebanger]

I took your skull off display because my guests kept saying it looked noticeably gayer than the other skulls