the way your contact list can be a graveyard for everyone you've ever known
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Today's Document
noise dept.
cherry valley forever
YOU ARE THE REASON
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Janaina Medeiros

Kaledo Art
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda

if i look back, i am lost
Jules of Nature
Xuebing Du

oozey mess
$LAYYYTER
Cosmic Funnies
art blog(derogatory)

blake kathryn

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ellievsbear

shark vs the universe

seen from United States

seen from Indonesia

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seen from United States

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@trailas
the way your contact list can be a graveyard for everyone you've ever known
I wish I knew you when you were 11 :/
I'm just trying to become someone who the child inside me will not hate. I'm trying to be everything she needed and did not receive. She is so lonely still. It's not fair that she is so lonely still.
Nikita Gill
sibling relationships are so strange... like i love you. you will never understand me in a way that matters. we are the same person in drastically different ways. we are sewn together. we don't talk. we are attached at the hip. you wish i was never born. can i call you. let's eat together. i forgive you. etc
i don't have enough photos of you on my phone to make one your contact picture. we got the same tattoo completely by coincidence. why do you always get to be mario. i love the meals you cook. we live in different universes. you can stay at my house if you need. we have never been friends. you are more important to me than anyone on this earth
You have options. I promise you, you have options. Even if you blow up your whole life, change your name and train hop half way across the country- you still have options. So long as you are alive you have choices and chances. If you can’t see them, ask someone else. Ask a stranger or someone who loves you. Anyone not in your situation will have different a perspective. Stay safe and stay alive.
Chronic suicidal ideation is your brain’s response to having no other coping skills. Your brain is trying to keep you safe with the comfort of knowing you can just opt out of [your problems] life at any point. Equipping yourself with better coping skills, better options, is the only way to combat this defense mechanism.
you're in the habit of denying yourself things.
if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.
but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?
what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.
and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.
you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.
so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.
it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.
sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.
oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.
“I hope this email finds you well”
First of all the only emails that ever find me well are from AO3
honestly if someone gave a fuck about my wellbeing when i was 16 i would be soooo much better at being a person now
hyperfixations are so scary like yeah this could be a month long thing or i might be thinking of it everyday seven months from now. no way to tell
Ohhhhhj so the childhood self doesn't disappear forever they come back as a ghost when you are struggling to break into adulthood and sit with you during your lunch break so you're not alone. Alright
"It’s important to keep your feelings and your self-worth in different places - because when your feelings get hurt, it shouldn’t change how you view yourself." - Unknown
BLACK SAILS 210. XVIII
sibling relationships are so strange... like i love you. you will never understand me in a way that matters. we are the same person in drastically different ways. we are sewn together. we don't talk. we are attached at the hip. you wish i was never born. can i call you. let's eat together. i forgive you. etc
i don't have enough photos of you on my phone to make one your contact picture. we got the same tattoo completely by coincidence. why do you always get to be mario. i love the meals you cook. we live in different universes. you can stay at my house if you need. we have never been friends. you are more important to me than anyone on this earth
June Gehringer, “Category 5 tropical depression”
[Text ID: “the phrase “i love you” / makes me imagine / a time when you won’t.”]
cant stop thinking about this