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trainsandcoffee

so.. playing baldur’s gate 3?

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate iii

belamercado

While I can't have you, I long for you. I am the kind of person who would miss a train or a plane to meet you for coffee. I'd take a taxi across town to see you for ten minutes. I'd wait outside all night if I thought you would open the door in the morning.

- Jeanette Winterson

trainsandcoffee

— w.s.

quoteastic

But how do you say goodbye when your heart still wants to hold on?

trainsandcoffee

— w.s.

ptimepoet

trainsandcoffee

— w.s.

08/28/2024

I’m not really sure what I’m looking to achieve when I go on these little side quests to Revy. Why do I keep coming back? I’ve been trying to find W for years, and it’s becoming clear to me that it won’t happen. Me being here doesn’t do me any good — mentally, emotionally, physically, financially… all it does it fuel my delusions.

Megan’s question to me from our dinner a few days ago is still lingering. “Is it just a fantasy?” The more I think about it, the more I realize that it is just a fantasy. I’ve been so blind towards my own relationship because I’m too busy being stuck in my own head.

I won today by getting the job, but it’s difficult to celebrate with all of this brain fog. I have extremely high expectations set for this job, and it will never live up to them.

I don’t want to go home. I want the mountain sub + the shuswap sub.

“Are you running away from home?”

I fucking wish, man.

07/29/2024

The past few days have been peaceful, mentally. Disk golfing with pals, indian food for takeout, a good movie, paddle boarding, hanging out with doggos (even just for a short time). All of these gave me the boost that I needed. I feel rejuvinated, inspired, motivated, almost like I’m alive again. The only thing that dampened my spirits was one grumpy mood, and a warm house causing me to sweat an excessive amount.

I’ve noticed that when things are good, I don’t have much to write about, which makes me feel forced to write something, and it normally comes out negative. Maybe sometimes no news is good news. Maybe I just hate the idea of wasting space in a journal.

07/23/2024

I need to start pushing past my boundaries and getting outside my comfort zone. Finished up a planter box as best as I could, then came inside for A/C and suddenly I was napping. Naps always seems like a good idea in the moment and feels good to fall asleep, but it’s so counterproductive for me. I woke up after that and spent some time on my phone, watered plants, did dishes, and from there, my brain was convinced we did all that we needed today. There are still a bunch of other things that can be done, or little things I can do that make me happy, like woodworking. I could be sanding that planter box right now or putting glue in the seams - lord only knows it would dry in record time with this heat.

Nobody talks about how seasonal depression happens in the summer too. It seems I can’t do any tasks or activities without literally sweating my face off. It gets in my eyes and makes my hands sticky. The smoke hasn’t helped either, but the wind has carried some of it away and I can finally see blue skies today!

I want to spend more time focussing on the real world around me. I’ve been writing in this one story recently where life is exactly how I want it. I live in Revelstoke. I’m a train crew person. I have friends that enjoy fishing, hiking, paddling, and doing all of the stuff I’ve wanted to do irl lately. I think that this story has inspired the online persona that I’ve built for myself amongst strangers. Instead of escaping to this fantasy world of mine, I just want to be able to appreciate the life that I have. I enjoy creative writing, but I think I will have to find a different outlet for it. I’ve been writing in this story here and there, bits and pieces everyday since 2017. It’s for nobody else to read but me, because it is simply just for me to enjoy. That being said, I would *love* to write my own book one day and have it published. That’s a dream I’ve had since I was a kid. I actually have a story that I’ve been working on since 2015 that I told a couple railroaders about, and I have their names as a dedication at the beginning of the story - complete strangers to me, not people that I knew very well, but they had so much faith in me and were genuinely interested in reading it and supporting me. Even if it never gets published, I hope Shane and Ellery realize how much I appreciated them for that.

07/22/2024

I still can’t wrap my head around why it takes me so long to get up and moving and doing stuff in the morning. There are rarely any pressing matters that need to be dealt with, unless something is needed for the day’s dinner, or there’s an appointment to attend.

It felt good to be productive today - lifting and moving stuff made me feel strong, like I had forgotten what it was like to work, and fair, I *have* been unemployed for a few months. Did I do anything that needed to be done today? No, but I did something that felt good for my soul. I haven’t touched any tools in such a long time. It feels good to be building stuff again.

I’ve had so much time alone since January that it feels like my thoughts are ready to consume me. I’m convinced my relationship is broken, when in reality, everything is fine, and I’m trying to find any tiny excuse to cause problems, when I know there are no problems to solve. *I* am the problems, but I don’t know how to fix it.

I have to stop thinking about the darkness when I write - I want to have a positive outlook on journaling so I can keep doing it.

It’s gotta help me.

Nothing else can.

07/20/24

This year has been the worst so far when it comes to my thoughts of leaving. When I say leaving, I mean starting over, throwing it all away, new beginnings, somewhere else. I often wonder about how hard it would be to change my identity and live a new life, one that I have control over and know how to handle a bit better now that I have some experience.

I know that this won’t fill the void, though. It can’t turn back time and make me feel young again, nothing can. Realistically, I don’t WANT to start over and run away from this awesome life that I have, it’s just been an urge I’ve always had since I was a kid. Like an adventure video game that always started with you leaving home for the first time by yourself - maybe that’s why I’ve always liked the Pokémon games?

There's a group that I've connected with online that knows me anly as the persona I've described to dern - they don't know the true me, but they know the person I want to be, which is ironic, funnily enough, because most days, I don't even know the person I want to be some days, I can hardly even recognize who I currently am.

Maybe if I write about this feeling every day, it’ll start to dissipate and free me from this dark cloud constantly looming over me.

07/19/2024

This specific journal has been in my possession for nearly 8 years. It's been used, abused, and restarted MANY times. I remember buying it specifically to put some of my bigger emotions onto paper - not for any specific reason, other than maybe it would help me feel better - but I’ve matured a lot since I was näive and 18.

One thing that has been consistent this whole time is finding a place that truly feels like home. I would give every ounce of my being to be closer to the Shuswap, and this is such an overpowering feeling, to the point where I canNOT be happy with where I am and appreciate the life I have right here, right now. I wish I could shake myself out of this rut, but the only way i can think of fixing it is just DOING IT.

We committed to 5 years in this house. We've barely even reached 1 year. I want out so bad. I want out of this town.

I’ve taken every opportunity possible to visit Revelstoke. Maybe it’s because I love the town so much, but I think realistically, I just want another chance to see W. I still can’t fathom why he left such an intense impression on me, and part of me believes that if I see him again, just once, maybe that will finally give me this odd sense of closure I've been searching for.

…

He was a regular customer of mine that always appreciated my extra-strong coffee, and Irish creme flavored creamer if we had it on hand. I remember the small things about him - his birthday, January 11, the comments he made about my first tattoo and how he was a Capricorn too, the way he took the time to describe the technicalities of working on the railway to me, how he encouraged me to follow my heart and apply, and the smile on his face when he genuinely thanked me for making coffee, then said ‘come here’ and gave me a hug. Oh man, that hug. I got razzed constantly for showing favouritism towards my regular coffee crews, but I got teased the most about W, and even some of my coworkers admitted that for his age, he was pretty handsome, likely the handsomest of the three brothers (that we knew of) and even though he cleaned out his room of soap, coffee, and sugar packets, my coworkers deduced that he was probably the most mentally stable of the three brothers too.

He was authentic, kind, and out of everyone I talked to, he was the one railroader I knew that hardly ever complained.

Describing W gave me a dopamine boost.

I wonder why I think about him this often?!

(spoiler: I know exactly why) ◡̈

cache-e

“I’m sorry you couldn’t find me. I have been in the woods. I put myself there because I couldn’t be good. I have been running with foxes and running with crows and I have found myself a home where no one goes.”

Florence Welch, from “Useless Magic.”