[adventuresinloganscircle-blog]

It’s been a while since I’ve posted because life is crazy but, hey!

This is my chest three months post-op. as of November 2nd!

I unfortunately haven’t been able to continue using the scar strips because Amazon stopped selling ‘em. However, I have been using BioOil as it is something that’s been highly recommended and I like it a lot. I feel as though Vitamin E oil would give me decent results but I genuinely don’t like the way it smells .. I’ve been going between a couple different methods, so, we’ll see what’s up and what gives the best results, though.

I’m going to start going to gym in a couple of weeks so I’m pretty psyched to start building muscle. I’m still very happy with how my chest looks, though. 

[trans-parenting]

Hi, I have a question. What if a transgender guy has a vagina. Like his masculine he looks like a boy, but he still has a vagina (ovaries included) does that he's not fully a boy yet.

A transman who identifies as a man is a man.

Genitals don’t define gender - even if our society has historically conflated the two. A transman with a vagina/uterus/ovaries is still a man. A transwoman with a penis is still a woman. Fully, completely. Gender identity is all about how you pereceive and identify yourself (ie. what’s in your head, not what’s between your legs). There are many trans folks (myself included) who don’t pursue “bottom” aka. genital surgery. Cost is a factor, but there are plenty of trans folks who just don’t find that desirable or necessary. That doesn’t make us any “less than” the trans folks that do, nor does being trans make someone any “less” of a man, woman, or whatever category someone chooses to identify as.

As far as I’m concerned there are exactly two categories of people for whom genitals are relevant: healthcare providers and intimate partners. For everyone else, it shouldn’t matter.

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

Update: 1 month post-op. as of Sept. 2nd! I'm healing up nicely - the swelling on either side has gone down quite a bit, my nipples are still scabbed over but showing some pink and pigment, and the right incision isn't as raised since I've started using silicone scar strips. I'm happy with the placement. My right nipple is definitely a hair bigger than the left but I'm not too bothered by it. I can't wait to get back in the gym because I look stick thin and while on one hand, that's great, on the other, I wish I had more muscle mass. I lost most of what I had built before surgery so I'm eager to start working out. My posture has improved significantly, though. It's much easier to stand up straight. Overall, healing has been pretty easy. No major issue with anything. I'm back at work, taking it easy, and going back to school this week.

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

Some thoughts on being a boy with a period, post-op.

On Sunday, I got my period for the first time since surgery. Prior to that, I was feeling confident and comfortable in my body - my chest was flat, I wasn’t in pain, everything was good. I was feeling an incredible amount of gender euphoria for the first time in a long time. So much so, that I considered not going on testosterone because the body I had finally felt like my own.

But, now that I have my period again, I’m in this weird limbo. Getting it was a reminder that stuff was still happening down there. Like, I really felt good about my top half, how it looked and felt, and having surgery definitely relieved a ton of dysphoria but having the two together, a flat chest and a period, confused my head in a way.

What I’m getting at is that after surgery, the consideration of not starting HRT, was a prominent thought. And it’s common. Some people just need surgery and they feel totally cool - but my period coming back this month threw that off. Now, it’s as if my top half and my bottom half don’t match up, and so, I’m conflicted. I’m sure that as I heal up and go through another cycle or two, I’ll have a better idea of what I want .. hopefully. I might even go back to my therapist to try and talk some of it out. It’s nice to get a second opinion. I don’t know, y’all. Transitioning sure is a roller-coaster.

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

What I bought:

Post-op. supplies

Nipple and scar care:

non-stick gauze pads

large bandages

Neosporin (Original Formula)

Vitamin E oil 

Supplements:

Emergen-C (1000mg of Vitamin C)

Vitamin B6 (50mg - promotes nerve healing)

Zinc (50mg - aids in skin healing)

Relief:

Tylenol (Regular Strength)

Benadryl (relieves itching - highly recommend)

Nauzene (anti-nausea tablets - didn’t end up using)

Colace (stool softener - didn’t end up using)

Hall’s Breezers (pectin cough drops - didn’t end up using)

Hygiene:

Johnson’s Head-to-Toe Cleansing Cloths (for wiping down body)

Johnson’s Head-to-Toe Baby Wash (gentle and lightly scented)

dry shampoo

baby wipes

Neutrogena Oil-Free wipes (for wiping oil from face)

witch hazel (for wiping oil from face)

Food

a case of flip-top water bottles

apple juice boxes

ginger ale

mini saltines (easier to eat)

applesauce

bananas

peanut butter granola bars

cucumber

baby carrots

pasta

I hope this helps as a general reference. Obviously, different surgeons may ask for you to purchase different supplies but this is what I found helped me throughout the recovery process.

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

4 days vs. 5 days post-op.

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1 Week Post-op.

As of Wednesday, July 9th, I am one week post-op. and doing really well!

I had my first post-op. appointment on Monday. The physician’s assistant removed the bandages, the drains, and the nipple stents. It did not hurt at all getting my drains removed; only when she cut the stitches that held them in place. It honestly feels like something moving inside of you because, I mean, that’s exactly what’s happening as they take them out. It’s a really weird sensation but it’s over quick, so, you forget it even happened.

I got to see my chest in the mirror for a quick second before my surgeon had to give it a look. There was a small clot on the outside of my left nipple that she removed with tweezers. Unfortunately, the left nipple also started to come up on one side, so, she had to re-sew a stent over it to keep it flush to my skin, again. That was an experience, hahah. She didn’t numb me beforehand, just, did it. But it didn’t hurt more than a pinch and it took about a minute. I got wrapped in another Ace which I am not to take off. It’s driving me crazy - not only is it tight but I haven’t really gotten to appreciate my chest.

I, sadly, am not permitted to shower still, so, it’s been over a week since I’ve taken a proper shower but I’ve managed to keep relatively clean with bath wipes and an over-the-sink hair washing. I go back for my second post-op. appointment on Monday. Hopefully, I’ll get the all clear to shower, drive, and go back to work.

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

Post-op. and Recovery

The drive back was easy and painless. I didn’t have an issue at all. I had brought a pillow to put in-between my chest and the seat belt. I sat in the front seat, chatted with my friend, and felt super tired but fought the urge to sleep because I wanted to talk, hahah. 

Once I got back, I changed into some sweatpants to be a little more comfortable and then laid in bed with my laptop to get some rest. I wasn’t in very much pain, maybe a 4 out of 10, so, I didn’t take the Vicodin I was prescribed but I decided to pop two Tylenol to have a decent sleep. Getting to sleep was definitely difficult because I am not a back sleeper, so, I couldn’t get comfy. 

The next morning, I was told by a friend that it’d be likely that I’d feel like I got hit by a truck but that wasn’t the case. I felt a little sore but in the way that you do after a workout. I could get in and out of bed by myself, walk to the kitchen and the bathroom, and use my arms. The night before was the only time I took pain reliever aside from one other time when I took it for a headache. The drains didn’t hurt when I was emptying them, which I know is an issue for some people, but I had no problem. It is true when they say it’s hard to wipe only because you can’t quite get the angle right.

The only real pain that I experienced was from the drain sites and the Ace bandage. They tugged a little bit when I moved around and my chest was achy because the Ace was tight. The pads were just annoying and I couldn’t wait to get all of it off.

I’m a week post-op. and feeling good. My pain throughout was very minimal. I can’t complain.

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

The Morning of Sugery

Right, so, I was told to arrive at the hospital at 6:00 in the morning. I took a shower the night before with some special anti-bacterial soap that they recommend because it reduces the risk of infection. So, in the morning, all I had to do was get dressed and go. I was not allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight to minimize risk during anesthesia. This was honestly the hardest part because I’m always hungry, hahah. 

Anyway, I got dropped off at the hospital at like, 5:45. I was told to wait in the lobby until they were ready to start my bloodwork. They gave me the hospital band, I gave ‘em the check, and we were off to the suite to get ready. They had me change into a gown and a robe. I was given a warm blanket to cover up and sit in a recliner until they were ready for me. 

Not even 10 min. later, the nurse came in to let me know that the surgeon was ready, so, we headed up to a sort of pre-op. room with cots. That’s where I was given compression “stockings” and asked a ton of questions by like, ten different people, but they were all generally the same, so. 

The anesthetic team came over and got me all suited up for surgery. I was given a drip of some sort and a pain killer or relaxant that I cannot remember the name of; they also gave me an anti-nausea patch behind my ear which was lit. I started to feel dizzy and little out of it soon after.

They wheeled me in to the operating room, had me shimmy onto an operating table and one of the nurses put the mask over my face and said it was “just a bit of oxygen.” That’s literally the last thing I remember. He didn’t count me down, just placed it there and let it chill, which honestly, was fine with me. I probably would have fought it if he counted. The next thing I know, I’m waking up in recovery - I was super groggy, but aware of what was going on around me. I remember having someone take the oxygen tubes away from around my face and getting sensor pads removed from my shoulder. The nurse also removed the drip. I was only in recovery for about an hour, just so that they could keep an eye on me, and make sure everything was all good. I was in a little bit of pain but it wasn’t unbearable. It just felt like I had cuts on my chest, which, I did.

I was wheeled back into the suite after the hour had passed. I was still super dizzy and out of it but that was really it. The nurse asked me what I wanted to drink, I said ginger ale, and she brought that along with some crackers. My mouth was super dry so eating was rather difficult. She told me that I had to eat, though, in order to take a painkiller. I got as much of it down as I could without choking because my mouth was like that fuckin’ Sahara and took the pill. Afterward, I was shown how to empty the drains. Easy process, nothing I couldn’t handle following while drugged. After sitting for a little while, and waiting for my ride, one of the nurses helped me get dressed. With help, it wasn’t anything too difficult. Once my ride arrived, I was put into a wheelchair and wheeled to the car outside. And we were headed home!

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

Pre-Op.

I bought just about everything that I would need for after surgery about a month prior. My surgeon’s office gave me a whole packet full of information on what to do to prepare before and after surgery, so, I based my purchases on what that suggested. I’ll make a list in another post for reference if anyone’s interested.

I packed clothes to move into my new residence into a small duffel bag. That mostly consisted of plenty of underwear, socks, some pants, a couple of t-shirts, and button-down shirts for after surgery. I threw a couple of books in there and all of the post-op. supplies as well. To be honest, I over packed. I’ll get into that into that in my next post, though. I also bought a ton of stuff to snack on, as well as stuff I knew would be light and easy on my stomach for the days following surgery. Oh, I also made sure place everything where I could reach it, like, at about my waist height. 

The night before surgery, we drove down to P.A. and stayed in a hotel. The plan, at first, was to drive in the morning but my mother suggested getting the hotel to avoid traffic and whatnot come the morning. I’m glad that I took her suggestion because my “call time” at the hospital was six in the morning. I was okay with it being super early because it just meant everything would be over with fairly early. I couldn’t really fall asleep because I was extremely anxious about everything as I had never gotten surgery before in my life, so, being put under was what had me worried. I talked with my friend about it for a little and that helped a bit. 

That was really it, though, in terms of prep. My surgery took place a little over an hour away so I didn’t have to pack an insane amount for the night before. I was being discharged on the same day and didn’t have to worry about a long stay in the area. 

The next step was surgery itself.

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

Surgery was this morning and I'm feelin' pretty good, actually. Can't wait to see my chest!

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

Right, well, with surgery being a week and a half away, I’m having one emotional breakdown after another .. it goes back to what I last said about nothing going the way I had hoped it would.

Like, sure, I have a place to stay and people volunteering to help and all but I’m ridiculously stressed over the fact that I have to make sure I have someone to care for me through the first week; stressed that I need to be reaching out to see who’s around to come help me since I can’t be left alone.

I’m scared that I’m not going to have the proper care because everyone has other stuff going on and it’s not something they can easily get out of, either. I just .. I just wish there was one, one person, that could help me through all of it but that’s not the reality, anymore. That ship sailed a long time ago .. and I just wish it didn’t have to be as complicated as it is but there’s nothing I can do, nothing.

I’ve been so torn up and sad about being alone, in general, that this is what's stressing me out most about surgery and recovery. Everyone I know that’s gotten surgery has been “so thankful for having a girlfriend” that cared for them throughout that they “couldn’t have done it without.” And I have a couple of people who are willing to help me but I just feel saddened and almost emotionally burdened by the whole thing. I wish it could be easy; I wish I only had to rely on one person, but, that's not the case. Whatever, forever.

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

With just about two weeks left before surgery, I’m starting to feel like, super anxious about the recovery. At first it was about the surgery itself but now, I’m just, nervous about the care and support I’ll require. 

Since I won’t be staying with my family, I’ll be relying on people who I am close with but being that I’m a really co-dependent person, I just have trouble being alone and like, needing reassurance and stuff like that. 

My mind always goes to “this isn’t how stuff was supposed to play out,” but I guess it’s honestly better than nothing and what I thought it’d be, so.

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

One month until top surgery!

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

I *live* for carefree transmen. Men who aren't afraid to talk about their vagina; men who are flamboyant; men who are their true selves. Because that's me! And whenever I see that in another boy, man, does it make me happy.

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

I’ve never needed a cigarette so badly in my life. Can’t smoke a month before surgery, though.

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

I had my physical today to get cleared for surgery. 

The EKG showed a very minor abnormality. My doctor said not to worry; it could likely be from the machine itself. She’s sending the result to a cardiologist to double-check it but I might have to go in to get another test.

I’m not that nervous about it, I mean, I’m a healthy twenty-one year old but if it does come up that there’s an issue and I can’t be put under, well, fuck.

[trans-cendingboundaries-blog]

Just got a call from the doctor and I am in fact being referred to a cardiologist.

I’m stressed.