Transitioning in the Ivory Tower

My name is mj and I am an aspiring academic and a MtF transgender individual. This blog is meant to document my transition (amongst other things!). If you're new to this blog, I would start the at the very beginning. Tags for relevant posts: Introduction My Story Academia Related Topics Random Thoughts

[transacademic]

Love and loneliness

I’ve been through quite a bit in the past year. It has made me an exponentially stronger person. I feel as if I can do most anything now. Mostly.

This story starts about two, three months ago. I started dating again. I feel like I am in a place to find some romantic connection with people again.

This is where I met a nice girl (let’s call her ATB). ATB is new in town, a queer lady, around the same age as me. She is super intellectual and social justice oriented. Also, she is super direct and nonsense. I had my reservations with her at first, due to her directness and intenseness, but we clicked at some point and things were great. I valud her honesty and her ability to say what needed to be said. I’ve never known anyone who was so transparent about anything. It was very refreshing. 

Our brief relationship wasn’t much of a physical one. I was and still am getting comfortable with my body. But we connected on many other different levels, and it was amazing. I’ve never connected with someone about sensitive issues like gender, sexuality and social justice issues so much before. There was tons of self discovery and it was amazing.

But after awhile, we decided that things weren’t romantically working out and parted ways. It was mutual, but I was more heart broken than she was. I started developing feelings for her, but those feelings were not reciprocated.

I’ve felt melancholy for the past few weeks. ATB and I hang out lots still, which could be weird for some folks. Our relationship was never solely a romantic one though, so I’m OK with it. My feelings still linger, and it is difficult for me not to feel sad or dejected around her. I try to humor her and myself as much as possible. Laughs always made me feel better. And I know my own feelings will improve as time goes on.

The other day, we were having coffee and having a frank conversation about my dating life. I am very insecure with the fact that I’ve only had a handful of girlfriends, and that I’m woefully inexperienced. The conversation itself struck a chord with me (the topic of which isn’t necessarily important).

We walked back to the subway and she noticed I got real quiet. She asked if she was a bit too direct with her questions…and I just started crying. I started crying because I am still sad about her. 

I also started crying because I realized I have an overwhelming sense of loneliness in my heart. I feel as if that I won’t ever find some one or other folks to love me…and it scares me a lot. In the moment, she consoled me and apologized. The apology wasn’t necessary in my eyes, because I realize that my sadness was due to my insecurity around this issue more than anything else.

I know this is not entirely rational, but the feeling exists. My feelings for ATB are a larger reflection over my insecurities revolving around my sense of loneliness. I realize that my issues are not with ATB, she’s great, but with my sense of self worth when it comes to romantic relationships.

I have great friends. That much I know. But I’ve always felt like I needed some one (or some people) to fill my the gap in my heart. I’ve always viewed this as sort of a problem, because I don’t want to have to feel like I need to rely on people for support, love, and affection. Honestly, I don’t want to feel insecure about my love life. 

I’ve been weeping here and there after hanging out with ATB because I’m reminded of what I supposedly lost and how crappy it makes me feel. I feel crappy when I see ATB moving on to other folks while I’m sitting feeling like things are at a standstill. I want her (and all my other friends) to be happy. I don’t want to feel crappy because I can’t get over my own insecurities. This has been a continual struggle for me.

I’m struggling to find the strength to improve myself in this area of my life. To some extent, it is my next transition. I don’t know how long my melancholy feelings are going to last, but I hope they go away soon so I can figure some of this crap out.

[transacademic]

...

Sometimes I just have to sit and cry and wonder what the fuck I'm doing with my life.

[transacademic]

Work blues

So here’s the good news: I went full time this week!

But with every yin, there’s a yang...

I decided to take the plunge and start presenting at work this week. I did not see much reason not to at this point, aside from dealing with all the legal and bureaucratic stuff at this point. I know I am going to have to deal with all the awkwardness of people who I see regularly but do not interact with at all. I work in a hospital, so many people see me. I don’t talk to people regularly though. 

Overall, things went pretty well. I think I confused some people, but I sort of have the mentality that their confusion is something they can figure out on their own. There really isn’t much else to say about me being full time. I have been part time for several months now, and it just felt like time for me to move forward.

However, one small thing happened to me at the end of the work week that really rubbed me the wrong way. I was in a meeting with my boss (whom I will mention, has been pretty cool about this whole trans thing), and he casually mentioned that maybe I should tell everyone I interact with professionally about my change. Also, I should probably tell all of our research participants that we are visiting again the future about my change.

He meant this as a way to help minimize confusion for me, so that I would feel comfortable and to address any questions people might have. 

However, I did not read it that way. The way I saw it, he was asking me to disclose my trans status and explain myself to all my secondary and tertiary colleagues. I was not happy about this.

This is why I was not (and am still not) happy about it. My changes, whether they are very noticeable or not, is not really anyone’s business. The disclosure of my trans status, whether I am presenting or not, is my choice to make. If people are confused about what to call me or my situation, they can feel free to approach me and ask. I will make clear that I am OK talking about it if that’s the case. However, with people whom I do not speak to regularly, I am not going to proclaim to them my changes. 

After he briefly mentioned this to me, we had a lab meeting with some guests. I was zoning out the whole time because I was pretty upset. Afterwards, I asked him if I could talk to him, then proceeded to basically have an emotional meltdown in front of him. I didn’t explain quite as eloquently why I was upset, but I basically said the following:

1) I understand that professionally, I need to clear up things with people. That’s a valid point.

2) However, anything really to do with my trans status is personal not professional. Any suggestions about how I handle my trans status with others is my perogative, and if you want to give me input, you really need to be sensitive in your approach to this matter.

3) Following point 2: Things have been really difficult in my transition. For you to briefly mention how I should disclose my status as something trivial overlooks how difficult my transition has been, and reflect a lack of sensitivity to this issue.

4) I try my damndest to separate out my professional and personal life stuff. If you are going to give me advice about something I view as personal at any level (e.g., instances where personal and professional life intersect), I would appreciate more careful consideration of how it is approached.

I think the fact that he saw me meltdown got the message across. I was upset because I felt like he overstepped a boundary that should have been approached more carefully. I would have been more receptive to the comment had it come from a place that was more carefully thought out in its intent. I spent the rest of the evening upset and actually sort of pissed about the whole situation. I was also not happy that I had an emotional meltdown in front of him. My boss doesn’t deal well with personal stuff of his employees (he’s sort of the awkward dad type). I know I could’ve handled it more constructively, but I was so bothered by it that I had to say something before the weekend started.

I’m not sure how this will changed anything. He re-assured me my gender doesn’t change anything. Which I do trust that it won’t. I’m just concerned that he thinks I’m like on the verge of crazy or something.  

[transacademic]

Continued Reactions

So streak of good times had to end at some point. Up until this past week, I haven’t really encountered much in the way of opposition to my transition, and honestly, I felt pretty...invincible for quite some time. So here’s the scoop on what happened to me last week.

I went to visit my sister’s family in Virginia for July 4th. All in all, it went pretty well. My nieces saw me both as an Uncle and an Auntie. My sister’s oldest daughter, who is 5, I think is mildly confused, but didn’t think it was too strange for me to be dressed as a girl (her words not mine). She still refers to me as an Uncle, but I sort of think this will take some time to sink in for her.

I also saw my parents briefly, who saw me out for the first time, in public. I didn’t give any forewarning, because I didn’t think it was necessary. They were going to see me at some point, right? Well, here’s where things got “interesting.” 

They didn’t say much of anything to me about my presentation, which I thought was odd initially, but maybe they were really OK with it. Turns out they are a little upset (not angry, from what I surmise, just shocked, I think). They went to visit my brother, who lives further south in North Carolina after they came to see my sister and my extended family. So, my brother calls me Monday evening to talk. This is where things get upsetting (and a little anger inducing). My brother is religious. Like, Southern Baptist religious. He first starts off by telling me that he had an awkward conversation about me when my parents came down to visit, and that they had questions for him (about me) which he couldn’t answer. Second, he tells me that they are sad and upset about the whole change (but not angry). This latter point I’ve come to expect. I’m not surprised to hear that, and I know that I will have to continue to deal with my parents as I continue to transition.

THEN, he starts talking about his daughters and his religion. He says that he tried to explain to his daughters (my nieces, who are about 10) about me, but they didn’t understand. He goes on to say that, based on his religion, God intended me to be a man, and he cannot see me any other way. He conceded that he knew I was doing this because I wanted my external presentation to match how I felt internally, but to him, it doesn’t really matter in the eyes of whatever higher power he believes in. FURTHER, he goes on to say, that the next time I visit, he requested that I don’t present as a female because he doesn’t want to expose his daughters to something like that.

To put it simply, I was dumbfounded, shocked, upset, and disappointed initially. I didn’t argue with him. What’s the point? I told him he was allowed to practice his religion as he sees fit, run his house as he sees fit, and raise his kids in any way he wants. I have no say in that. But I said I that I disagreed with his belief system. I’ve always been pretty congenial about my brother’s family being much more religious than pretty much anyone I know. I’ve always attended their services when I visited, did all their prayers, and basically kept my mouth shut. I don’t believe that people should shove their beliefs onto others, and I follow my own principles for that. If someone confronts me about my beliefs and forces me to argue, I will. 

The whole conversation devolved into a bunch of religiosity, which honestly, I stopped paying attention because I was upset and pretty much thought all of it was nonsense justification for his lack of understanding on LGBT issues. I was pretty upset for the next 48 hours, but eventually got over it. At this point, I’m really pissed about the whole situation. My brother chose religion over family. And I guess that doesn’t come to a surprise when you are unable to compromise your belief system for any circumstance. I will refrain from elaborating on my moral belief system, but suffice to say, I’m pretty non-religious for various reasons.

I’m sad to hear about my parents. I haven’t spoken to them since this occurred, but I will in the near future. I don’t think they’ll disown me or anything, but I do need them to know that my transition isn’t a reflection of mistakes they made raising me, nor is it something I’m doing to spite the family. My therapist once told me that people in my life will have an initial reaction, but that won’t be the end of it. There will be continued reactions. I simply (or not simply) will have to learn how to navigate all of that.

To end on a positive note: I spent this weekend on a party bus with a bunch of strangers who were acquaintances of one of my friends here in Boston. I was presenting (which is default on the weekends for me), and everyone was super great and supportive of me. It gives me a glimmer of hope that things will change in this country for the better. It brought me out of some gloom I had earlier this week, because I felt like I lost a little faith in humanity. But if strangers, who didn’t know me, can treat me like a person and an equal despite my circumstances, why can’t everyone else? I think it will happen eventually. We just have to keep fighting the good fight.

[transacademic]

Updates!

So it’s been awhile since I’ve updated my tumblr. It’s partly due to some laziness, but also a few big things have happened to me since the last update and today. The biggest thing that happened since the last update was this: I came out to my parents.

I had considered my parents the “final frontier” of coming out at this point. I’m out to pretty much everyone of significance, though I didn’t really know how to do it with my parents. I decided that over Memorial Day weekend, I’d drive home to Ohio and just have the conversation with them. I needed to pull the band-aid off, and I knew I couldn’t hide this from them forever. I will preface this by saying that my parents are very conservative, traditional, Asian parents, maybe moreso than other Asian parents. My parents were raised in Vietnam in the 60s-70s, then came to the US shortly thereafter. They values never evolved with the times, and they continued these values when they came to the US. My parents (especially my mom) implicitly emphasized the importance of representing the family. I remember many times where she would tell us kids that we weren’t like Americans, and Chinese people (my parents are ethnic Chinese) don’t act and should not act the same way Americans do. I never developed close relationships with my parents or siblings growing up, mostly because it was taboo to talk about any sort of sensitive topics. I didn’t get closer to my sister until we were all out of the house, and I feel like it wasn’t up till now that we had a close relationship. Approaching the “coming out topic” was difficult...because I had no basis of how my parents would even react. On top of this, they live in their own little bubble. They don’t really socialize much with the outside world, don’t watch much TV, and don’t have the internet. I wasn’t even certain how much they knew was going on outside of their house.

The week before I left for Ohio, I called my parents and told them two things: 1) I’m coming home to visit to talk to them about something important, and 2) That my hair had gotten pretty long, and to try not to freak out about it. My mom immediately asked me if I was getting married. She wasn’t joking. This immediately set the tone for my trip back home. 

After this, I came out to half of my Facebook friends. The outpouring of support was tremendous. I am truly lucky to have so many great people in my life that I can count on. Not everyone can say this. I haven’t lost a single friend throughout my transition so far. This is not lost on me...other transitioners lose friends and family through their process. I cannot even put into words how lucky I am. I partly came out to Facebook to garner any support I could before I visited my parents. It made me feel much better about my prospects back home.

A few days later, I left Boston and drive 10 hours home. That’s a really long drive just to come out to your parents. I spent most of the time listening to Serial, so I wouldn’t have to think about what would happen once I got home. Every now and again, my mind would wander to what I would say to my parents, and I would start tearing up because it was extremely upsetting. I did my very best to keep myself from going to that place in my head while driving. I did need to get home in one piece, after all!

I had this plan in my head that I would keep myself together for at least 10 minutes before breaking down and becoming a sobbing mess in front of my parents. I had the conversation all planned in my head: I would first talk about things that happened growing up (which they should’ve knew about), and my difficulties dealing with my gender all throughout my life. Then I would allow them to react to that story.

With each ticking hour in the car, my heart started beating faster, until the last hour of the drive. I was basically hyperventilating at this point.

Eventually, I get home and park my car in the driveway. I took a few very deep breaths, and walked inside my parents’ house. My dad was watching TV and my mom was in the shower. I small talked with my dad for about 5-10 minutes before my mom got out of the shower. 

Soon thereafter, we find ourselves sitting at the dinner table. My mom bluntly asks me what exactly I wanted to talk to them about. She also remarks something about my hair and being a “hippie.” At this point, I start crying immediately. My Dad asks me why I’m crying, and my mom, ever the tiger mom, just looks on to see what I will say. I start explaining that I’ve been struggling with something my entire life. I start telling my story...and before I get into the details, my mom turns to my dad and says “I bet that he’s going to talk about what you guessed he was going to talk to us about.”

They knew.

I explained all the things they saw growing up, and both of them acknowledged all that stuff. I went on to tell them that it never went away...even up until that point. I never explicitly said I was transitioning, though I think it was just assumed at this point.

My dad expressed his unconditional love for me all throughout. My mom, again ever the tiger mom, asked me why I was crying and told me that I’m an adult, and I am basically allowed to make my own life decisions. I was dumbfounded by the reaction...this was not what I was expecting. After the talk, everything was pretty anti-climactic. No hugs, no other expression of emotions, nothing. It was pretty weird. We went out to dinner afterwards as if nothing much happened.

This was the best case scenario for me. I didn’t think my parents would be accepting, but they seemed to be. I don’t think they 100% get it yet, though. My dad told me that, should I ever have to interview for jobs, just to hide the fact that I’m trans and dress as guy (I said no to that, and he dropped the topic). My mom harped on the length of my hair all weekend. She is still harping on the length of my hair. I think deep down, she’s upset that I am changing myself in this way, and is trying to hang on to the last vestiges of her son. I can’t say I blame her...I understand where she’s coming from. I know my parents will need time to adjust. I also know that things won’t just end there. I didn’t present while I was at home, mostly out of concern that my parents would have a heart attack if I did. But they will see me presenting at some point, and I will just have to deal with their reactions at then.

If I were to tie everything into a neat little bow, things went much better than expected. I feel as if I can start moving on with my transition. In fact, I have trouble thinking about what my next milestones will be aside from presenting at work and all the legal stuff associated with my transition.

Things are moving along quite nicely, and I couldn’t be happier at this point.

[transacademic]

Airports and Vacations

I recently had the pleasure of traveling out to the southwest to visit some friends I have not seen in about a year now. There were some aspects of this trip that which filled me with anxiety though. Despite this, I think everything turned out well!

I have not done any air travel since I’ve started seriously transitioning. Just to re-summarize, I came out August 2014 and started HRT at the end of December 2014. Between August and December, not much had changed except for some weight loss, and I did some air travel during that time.

I think quite a bit has changed since December. I knew going through airports would be somewhat tricky, but I think it mostly went smoothly. I went through airports in boymode, because I didn’t feel like outing myself to the TSA, and wanted to get through everything with minimal hiccups. The TSA agent at Boston Logan gave me this strange look while looking at my drivers license. I admit I look a bit different, so I didn’t blame her at all. She let me go on my merry way after some scrutiny. On my flight back to Boston, the TSA agent at Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport mentioned that I looked really different due to the weight loss and didn’t really clock my for anything else. I’m really concerned in the future that I will have to out myself to the agents because I will continue to look more and more different as time goes on, unless I’m able to change the photo on my ID at some point.

During my brief vacation, I visited some friends and acquaintances that have not seen me for awhile. My goal during that time was to present as much as possible. I’m not out on Facebook, so there are no pictures of me in girl mode. They would have no reason to suspect anything. Although I there were some awkward moments, everyone was super supportive. One of my colleagues told me I was gorgeous, and honestly, I didn't know how to react to that! In addition to this, I was told that most of the faculty that knew me from before probably wouldn't recognize me unless I spoke to them...I didn’t get too many strange looks from faculty when I visited the university there. One professor peeked at me a few times, which she probably noticed that she knew me from somewhere. Otherwise, I went pretty much unnoticed.

I knew I would have to learn how to deal with the awkward moments at some point, but they were generally less awkward than I had it in my head. The only truly awkward moments was having to show my ID at places, where clearly it shows I am a guy. I need to do something about that.

I wanted to use my vacation as a test for myself as well, especially in a place like Arizona. If you don’t know anything about Arizona, they've tried to pass stupid laws like ones allowing police officers to pull over anyone that is a minority, and to basically allow businesses to discriminate on the basis of religious grounds. Not really progressive. For the most part, no one cared or batted at eye at me. It was a huge boon for my confidence and I feel another step closer to going full time at some point.

Today was a completely lost day for me, because I took a red eye back to Boston. Even though I feel like absolute crap today, mentally, I couldn’t be happier with how everything went, and the amount of support receive (and continue to receive).

[transacademic]

Difficulties

In documenting sort of my “day-to-day” thoughts and opinions, what I’ve tried to avoid is having this blog devolve into a self-loathing pity party of sorts. I did that when I had a LiveJournal (god I’m old). That was not a good time in my life.

So I’m going to go against my own advice and do a personal venting post here.

The last couple weeks have been an emotional struggle. I turned the corner in my transition about a month ago, where I was convinced that I’m going to go through with this. I still am. But reality hit me like a ton of bricks.  

(Just to preface, I am still going through with all this, there have just been unforseen thoughts and feelings I’ve ran into over the past several weeks.)

Here are my thoughts as of lately:

1) Oh god, I haven’t told my parents yet, and that’s going to happen soon.

2) Yesterday, I felt pretty trans. Today I don’t feel like I am. What does tomorrow bring? What does this say about my own transgender legitimacy? Is it necessary for me to be dysphoric 24/7 to validate my own trans-ness? 

3) Part-time means switching back and forth between boy and girl mode frequently. It’s tiring. I’m tired. But shouldn't I want this? If I was really trans, I should really be wanting to switch into girl mode whenever I can.

4) What am I going to do professionally?

5) What am I doing with my life? I often sit at home at night and ask myself this question. It upsets me. Part of me thinks this is the hormones really influencing my mood. I think I would be asking this question even if I wasn’t on hormone replacement therapy. I think a lot about the uphill battle I face and am putting myself through. Why in my right mind, would I choose this for myself.

Lastly, I’m traveling out to see some old friends who haven’t seen me prior to transition. Many are acquaintances whom I haven’t come out to, because I didn’t feel like it was necessary (or their business, really). This is a source of anxiety. Although, I’m really excited to take a short vacation. I’ve been through a lot mentally lately, and I need to take a break.

Things in life have gotten complicated, and sometimes, I wish I had all the answers and that things were just much more simple.

[transacademic]

Thoughts on Transparent

I don’t watch much TV. Not because I hate it or anything, it’s just hard for me to get into anything without binge watching the entire show. So this weekend, I binge watched a significant portion of “Transparent”. I had heard so much about it (both good and bad) and I wanted to see what it was all about. (Spoilers ahead)

First to get some of the criticisms out of the way: Jeffrey Tambor did a wonderful job portraying Mort/Maura. I think one of the biggest criticisms is not casting an actual trans* individual in that role. I’m personally indifferent about it. I am satisfied with how it turned out. Tambor has more than adequately portrayed the tribulations of transitioning (and even more, as an older individual transitioning), without getting too trope-y, at least in my opinion. Additionally, there are many trans* actors cast around Tambor, and all generally seem to be portrayed in a positive light. So there’s that.

Maybe because Tambor is in this show, but Transparent really reminds me of a dark comedy version of Arrested Development. The story centers around a dysfunctional family. Sarah is the eldest daughter, and seems to have it the most together, but has an openly faltering marriage and is not so secretly in love with an old flame from college. Josh, the middle child, is the most successful of the three children, but struggles with his own insecurities which manifest in many failed relationships. Ali is the youngest, is a bit of a floater and often seems like she doesn't know what she wants out of life, but wears her heart on her sleeve. Then we have Mort / Maura, who very much loves her children, and seeks to gain acceptance from them, and everyone else, for who she really is.

The story really intertwines itself with themes of gender and sexual identity, intimacy with significant others, and the problems that are associated with all of this. In the first couple episodes, we witness marriage troubles that Sarah is going through. It is later revealed that Sarah is in love with her old college romantic interest, Tammy, and has never stopped loving her. Josh has problems with attachment: he has a revolving door of women and is never able to keep a steady relationship. This stems from a teenage romance with the sibling’s former nanny, and it is clear that is romantic troubles stem from his inability to piece together what happened between the two of them. Ali the most naive of the bunch, experimenting with drugs and sex, but is often shown as the most sensitive of the three. She, to some extent, represents my generation, the millenials. Somewhere in her 20s, not really knowing how to define herself and is very much jobless, but very much sensitive to all the things going wrong in the world. 

Finally, we have Mort / Maura. Watching Transparent, as great of a show it is, has been really difficult for me. We watch as Maura struggles with all the things that us transgender individuals (specifically transwomen) deal with: Years of hiding who we really are, passing in public, coming out to family, dealing with discrimination etc. Most of all, I understand how she feels, like she’s carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, and wanting desperately just to be accepted as a person. Not as the male emeritus political science professor Mort (I liked the fact that he was an academic), nor as the retired parent Maura, but just as person. Watching the episodes has been difficult because I identify with the fact that I just want to be seen as a person, not as a label. I am transgender and I won’t shy away from my pride for being trans*. But the struggles that Maura face during the series are many of the same mental, physical, and emotional struggles that many other trans* individual face on a day to day basis. I often get tired of labels, whether if I want to be addressed as he or she, what name people need to call me, or even how people perceive me in public. On some days, I just want to be “me” without all the pretense. I understand the struggles that Maura goes through, because it is clear she only wants to be seen as a person, with her gender being inconsequential to who she really is. She didn’t change as a person at the core, just how she decided to present herself. 

It’s been hard to watch this struggle, but I am glad that the media is portraying it in a positive, yet realistic, light. If anything, its extremely educational to people whose only exposure to trans* individuals is through media. I’m glad that we are starting to turn the corner in positive exposure of transgender individuals, and I hope that it stays this way in the future.

Oh, and if you’re wondering, I really do suggest watching Transparent. Is not chock full of trans* tropes or jokes. It’s just a story of a family dealing with their own issues. It just so happens that transition is one of those issues.

[transacademic]

Coming out and  the narrative in comic form: Part 2 of 2

Today’s comic comes to you courtesy of tinyshinykey, aka Gavin Greco from Penny-Arcade (yes, if you haven’t noticed, I really enjoy Penny Arcade…)

I found his story rather touching, and again, something I myself really resonated with. Many of us have felt trapped in some way. Sometimes we don’t know if the feeling of being trapped is just a nuisance, part of every day life. After all, as we get older, we learn to simply put up with much more crap. But sometimes, there are things that impact us very deeply, right to the core. We shouldn’t feel trapped within our ownselves.

Whether you are trans* or not, do what you feel is right for you, and never chain yourself down to something just because society tells you to, or that social norms dictate that you act or behave a certain way.

Side note: if Gavin is reading this, I met you several years back at San Diego Comic-Con (I think 2012?). It was at the PA merch booth. I was (at the time) the guy with a Death Cab For Cutie Shirt and you talked about how they were one of your favorite bands, and how you had recently gone to a secret show they hosted. You were the first Penny-Arcade person I spoken to ever, so I secretly gush every time I’ve seen you around at other cons I’ve attended.

If you have made it this far, I encourage you to read his full story here.

[transacademic]

Random Thoughts #4: Holy crap, emotions

Title says it all. You know, being a guy, I never really took seriously the “women are more emotional” thing. Or rather, I didn’t understand it. I have been on hormones, verging on 4 months now. Having been on one side of the fence, and now the other, I totally understand. Here are some examples: 1. Generally feeling more positive and in tune with how I feel about myself

2. Feeling really sad or touched about certain things (and getting teary eyed very easily)

3. When feeling upset, really feeling upset. For example, the last time I got really upset, I sat on my bed and started crying quite a bit, all while thinking “What the hell is going on with me”? So if you’re wondering, it really doesn't bother me in the slightest. I’ve always wanted to feel this way, and now I do. :-) Life sure is interesting sometimes.

[transacademic]

Random Thoughts #3: Balance

Over the past 6-8 months, I’ve come to the realization that I really need to strive to achieve an optimal work-life balance.

In the past year, I’ve struggled to find my own identity again, sort of going through a second adolescence (as some people describe their experience with coming out and transitioning).  In the first year of my post-doc, I struggled (see a theme here?) with finding my career path and figuring out what the heck I was going to do in the future. My path is a bit clearer to me now, though a year ago I was much more focused on figuring out my career and working as hard as I can.

As I’ve started transitioning, I've found that I really, really need to spend time working on myself, and spending time on things that are not work or research related. Academics are typically thought to be workaholics. We work all throughout the day, then take some work home at night in case we find time to do things.

My experience might be similar to colleagues of mine that have children. With them, they set aside time for their kids and family life (which is very important). Finding the balance between work life and family is very important for many of my colleagues, and understandably so. 

For myself, I set aside time each night just for myself. I spend so much time worrying about work, worrying about being trans*, that I occasionally get really stressed out and forget that I need to just relax sometimes. I forget that the time spent for myself is time that is needed for my own little self discoveries (and to keep myself from going nuts).  My motivation for keeping and finding this balance is mainly to keep myself happy. In the bigger scheme of things, my happiness is the top priority. All the work will get accomplished at some point, and I just need to be happy with myself and my situation. 

I’ve learned to try to prioritize my happiness and well-being above everything else, and sometimes I think people in academia forget that this is just as important as their work.

[transacademic]

Trans day of visibility

Sorry for being late to the party.

A few recent pictures (first one a few weeks ago, last one a few days ago). 

Please excuse my perpetually messy bedroom. 

Cheers!

[transacademic]

Trans* in academia

One thing I have been always worrying about, even pre-transition, is my place in academia. To make a long story short, I want to live the dream of teaching and doing research at a university somewhere in this country. Universities are thought to safe havens for diversity, but do a quick google search and you will see this is not always the case.

I will note, there are a number of visible trans* people in academia Lynn Conway is probably the most well known, and arguably a trans* pioneer in academia (and in general). There is also Deidre McCloskey, and more recently, Jennifer Finney Boylan. The visibility of some of this women put me at ease a little bit, but I’m a worry wart and there are several things that are always on my mind about obtaining a career in academia as a trans* person.

Right now, I’m a post-doctoral research fellow, which basically means I’m post-PhD, but pre-tenure track professorship position. It’s sort of a limbo area for academic, but it allows us to build our resumes / CVs in this competitive work environment. At some point, I will be applying for jobs. This prospect scares the living crap out of me. Below is a list of questions that little voice in my head constantly asks me when it comes to my career:

1. Will I face discrimination as a trans* person applying for faculty positions at universities?

I really don’t know. I don’t think I will, and even if I do, no prospective employer will say anything to me personally. I hope not. In most of the places where I have colleagues, they are exceptionally accepting of people from different backgrounds. That’s on the surface, anyways.

2. Will you disclose the fact that you are a trans* individual? How will you do this?

Honestly, my plan is to let my CV do all the talking, for the most part. I imagine my application materials will consist of me using female names and pronouns. My CV will have pieces with my male name and pronouns, and at some point, a change to a new name. I will let that speak for itself. I personally don’t think my gender really matters. If potential employers are curious about it, they will ask me. I’m not going to hide it, nor am I going to highlight it (unless of course, it somehow becomes a focus of research at some point in my career).

3. Where will I apply for jobs? Does it really matter?

Hmm, this is a hard question. I’m really hoping to move back out west at some point. The west coast mindset fits me more than the stuffy east coast mindset. I wouldn’t mind staying in the northeast. I wouldn’t rule out places in the Great Lakes region or the mid-atlantic. My only true criteria is that I be somewhere near a mid-sized city. I really have no inclination to live out in the sticks. Most urban areas are a bit more trans* friendly. As long as its a place where I’m not living in sort of constant fear of harassment or physical violence...

4. Why did I choose to come out during my post-doc fellowship, why not worry about all the trans* stuff after you found a position somewhere?

Well, the time seemed right. Living in Massachusetts was a golden opportunity. Plus, I really couldn't stand waiting anymore. I think about this a lot sometimes, but at some point I was going to have to cross this river. Why not do it before I get a tenure-track job? I honestly don’t think it will make much difference in the long run.

5. Are you crazy? This is crazy.

I think about this a lot too. Yeah, I think this is all really crazy. Honestly, I’m not joking when I say that all this stuff makes me feel sort of frightened and upset. Despite this, I know what I have to do in some regard. I guess I’ve been trained really well by my respective mentors at every step of the way (thanks! :-))

I’m not sure if anyone out in there has any answers, but feel free to chime in if you do. I’m still figuring things out, but I will provide updates in terms of how I will further navigate some of these professional things....

[transacademic]

Coming out and the narrative in comic form: Part 1 of 2

I’ve come across a few comics which sum up coming out (whether coming out gay or trans) as very inspiring, but especially informative. It goes back to the part that all of us in the LGBTQ community have unique narrative, but on some level, we understand each other and have many shared experiences. The first series of comics comes courtesy of amytfalcone (of Strip Search fame!). These comics are not necessarily trans* related, but I personally resonated with them.

While I’m talking about her, I’ll plug her webcomic, Clique Refresh. Enjoy!

[transacademic]

Thank you.

The past week was a bit of a roller coaster for me. Relevant for academics…I came out to one of my colleagues from grad school. She was one of my dissertation committee members, and I was recently soliciting a letter of support for grants I’m writing. In the messaging asking her for these letters, I came out to her. She was one of my biggest supporters in school, and I was afraid of losing her. 

But all went well, and she voiced even more support for me.

Professionally, I think it could be hard to come out to colleagues. Lucky for me, I know most of my colleagues in some personal capacity, so it has made it easier in some regards. However, I would suggest drafting a letter explaining your situation…I think that’s the best way to convey it professionally. I would also tailor it as well. My letters have been personal up till now, because I had close relationshios with my dissertation committee members and other colleagues. I would be happy to answer questions about how to approach this (I think another post will be forthcoming about this).

I’ve been reflecting a lot about my situation lately and have come to 2 conclusions.

1) Despite the struggle, I cannot remember being this happy about anything, and actually feeling satisfied with who I am as a person. I am happy. I am happy!

2) I could not have made it this far without such wonderful people in my life. Everyone has heard me drone on about my problems, but I want to tell you how much I appreciate just being there and listening. Thank you.

There will be many more thank you again in the future as well. :-)

[transacademic]

Random Thoughts #2: Awkwardness

Just a small note here: I’ve taken to part timing it on the weekends. I feel comfortable enough to do so now, but also I have a few outfits that I wear regularly (overhauling your wardrobe can be pricey).

I went to the grocery store today and some folks at a table looking for donations said hi to me. I said hi back, I’m my deep gravelly man voice. I immediately scurried inside the store a bit embarrassed. I've been working on my “girl” voice lately, trying to use it when I’m presenting. It’s not automatic yet, apparently. I still have to think about it before I can turn it on. I know I have ways to go with it too, but I think I’m managing a decent voice so far.

Also, its one thing to go to a huge nerd convention and present, its another to go to the store. The store still causes me some anxiety. Mostly I’m just really nervous to get odd looks. I suppose I really should get used to that.

Lastly, one of my roommates saw me presenting for the first time. What’s awkward is that he’s a well-built, scruffy guy. He knows about everything, and was really cool about it (he never questioned me). It’s weird for me, because I feel like every time I talk to him I go into “male” mode. That is, I start speaking in a more male type pattern. This is naturally automatic, after having done this for so many years out of my life. I sort of had to prevent myself from doing this as well.

Life is strange sometimes.

[transacademic]

Pronoun pins

Press XY had these awesome pronoun pins at PAX. Although I wish pins weren’t necessary, it saves everyone from some awkwardness if someone doesn’t know what to call you.

Also, rule of thumb: When it doubt, ask what pronouns a trans* person prefers to use! My rule is: When I’m presenting as a guy, male pronouns are fine (he/him/his). When I’m presenting as a girl, female pronouns are most appropriate (she/her/hers).