Beck's Transition Blog

Beck, 21, they/them. This blog is for my transition updates.

[transbeck]

triptorelin update

so unfortunate side effect is I wanna kill myself like never before, but also I look hot as fuck. I always hated my fat distribution but now it went to more testosterone dominant places I love it. I thought I hated being fat no it was the dysphoria. I even knew I had only physical dysphoria but yknow society is fatphobic as hell so I guess it just seemed the most likely hypothesis. never doubt yourself you are transgender. my body actually looks so good. I have my next shot in a week so hopefully like it doesn't make me want to kill myself again

[transbeck]

Taking blockers after 5 years or so on T

Long time since my last post. So idk if anyone's even following this blog or gonna read this post. I finally actually like my body. The thing that's changed is the GIC agreed to put me on hormone blockers. For the longest time my E levels were really high, like 700 consistently. it made me miserable because it put all my fat into feminine places. I tried reducing my T, I suffered through that for a year! The thinking was that maybe I had excess T that was converting to E, but my bloods showed on a lower dose of T I had low T and still high E.

Now we've tried putting me on hormone blockers and omg there I am, finally. The thing is you'd think it would make me look too masc, but no if anything I look more just neutral, more myself. And! to do this what I had to do was once again lie to the GIC. They are gatekeepers, even if the individual clinicians are nice they have to perform their role to keep their job. I had to tell them my period came back and just like that putting me on blockers was suddenly acceptable.

Why my body has been making so much E is another question. Personally I think it's quite likely I have endometriosis. I used to have terribly painful and irregular periods pre-T. I also do have a large ovarian cyst although what type it is or if they can fuck with E levels idk. I am a little worried about what blockers do long term to your production of other hormones. Presumeably before I was running on T, E, and also progesterone and now if my endogenous hormones are all being blocked then idk if that means I'm missing progesterone now? Idk something to research. I might have to come off the blockers anyway because holy shit the first three months I felt the worst I've ever felt emotionally. Sudden extreme menopause is no laughing matter for the mental health side of things. I am ok now but if it's like that at the start of every shot I think the chance of suicide is just too high.

What I'd like is to stay on them for a few years and let my fat redistribute to a less dysphoric shape. I gained a lot of weight too with the low T so I think there's a chance I will lose it again now, but if I'm permanently fat I'll make my peace with that. The GIC might not let me stay on them that long though, they say if I come off then my ovaries might have "calmed down" and stop producing so much E. Like, my hormones have always been weird so I think it's unlikely they'll react the way they expect, hopefully they won't put me through more hormone fuckery before my fat distribution has shifted a bit at least. For now though, this year at least, I am relatively safe. I don't remember if they want to take me off blockers after a year or two years, six months, etc.

Well if you've read this and you're not simply me in the future, and you wanna ask stuff about my transition you're welcome to. Best way is to message me or send an ask.

[transbeck]

I haven’t posted here in ages because it turns out constantly analysing my body and mind and documenting my trauma from various medical institutions was just not healthy.

You’re welcome to keep following this blog and I hope the posts that I’ve already made can help you make informed choices about your own transitions and access routes.

Also might post about my egg freezing saga sometime. I’m not really sure what I wanna use this blog for now.

Laters babes

[transbeck]

19 months on T

Everything is going pretty slowly atm, the country is in lockdown due to COVID-19 so all the GIC stuff is paused for now. That said a fair amount has changed for me in the six months since I last updated this blog. I am currently on Universal Credit (UK benefits), so I have the time and energy to work on my mental health recovery. I’ve also started taking antidepressants, which have helped me level out my emotional highs and lows. I’m using less energy now dealing with emotional crises and I have more energy for developing emotional skills - good times!

What T changes have I noticed? 

- My beard is slowly filling in, I have to shave every three days now and it grows in very light under my jaw and on my top lip. My cheeks are bare.

 - My belly and thigh and butt fat is almost gone. My thighs look buff now and you can see my v line/side butt dimples.

- I’m just more muscley in general. I can do a pushup now and I’m working towards a pullup and crow pose and headstand in my yoga. I can swim 2 lengths without my arms getting too tired. My deltoids are a little bit more defined, although not much due to my tendency to store fat just under my skin.

 - I have a lot of acne. I have acne essentially everywhere new hair is sprouting/going to sprout. Blackheads, whiteheads, deep cysts, ETC. It’s grossing me out but I’m trying to stay chill about it. There’s not much I can do about it besides keep my diet healthy, and my routine hygienic. It’s a natural effect of testosterone puberty and hopefully will clear up within a few years.

 - My voice is still getting deeper! I wasn’t expecting it to drop so gradually or for so long! but I’m grateful for how it allows me to take my time with relearning how to speak and sing.

What other trans updates?

People are STILL calling me “she”, but sometimes they gender me as male, and I welcome being slightly less frightening/more relatable to women. Masculinity is very lonely I find! I’m growing my hair out into a bob and I think that’s why I’m getting gendered as female more often recently.

I still can’t bind due to my asthma. I’m trying to improve my posture and stop hunching my back all the time to hide them.

I feel dysphoric about the shape of my hips - they don’t have a lot of fat on them anymore but my pelvis is wide compared to my ribcage. It also makes my butt really wide which I dislike. BUT then I check out other men’s butts 👀 and my butt doesn’t look unmasculine compared to theirs! I think I’m just sensitive about it.

It’s been funny losing the estrogen fat from my butt because my buttcheek crease (or whatever it’s called) is shifting down my butt and atm I just don’t have one... smooth butt boy.

What else?

A month ago I was going swimming twice a week, which made me noticeably less chubby and more muscley, I finally felt good about my body! I haven’t been able to keep it up due to the lockdown and the belly fat is coming back. I feel pretty crappy about it but I’m trying to be kind and compassionate towards myself.

My skin is stressing me out atm. I don’t like all the spots and I don’t like how my antidepressants have changed my skin - it’s too stretchy now and less sensitive to touch.

My hips and back are in pain a lot of the time. I’ve been doing yoga semi-regularly (1-3 times/week) which is helping my back pain but hasn’t had a noticeable effect on my hips. I haven’t been able to walk long distances more than twice a week, carry heavy bags more than a very short walk, or wear more than the lightest shoes and jackets. The pain has been getting worse for about the last two months and it’s keeping me up at night. 

I’ve been having semi-regular headaches too which might be related to the pain. At the moment I’m trying to cut out gluten, dairy, and processed sugar from my diet. I’ve been getting these little bumpy buildups of keratin on my skin which are much worse after I eat gluten. I expect my diet is the cause of my inflammation/pain, and even if they aren’t it’s probably healthier in the long term to eat less of them, especially considering my dad can’t eat gluten or dairy. I’m going to start keeping a pain diary so I can monitor it and so I have something to show my GP in a few months.

I feel a bit stressed out about returning to uni because I’d planned this time for recovering from my own personal mental health crisis, but don’t have as much energy for it as I wanted due to the current global crisis. Before this uni term ends I’m going to get in touch with my PT and Student Support for advice.

[transbeck]

EFREC Counselling Session 14.04.2020

Today I had a telephone appointment with Ruth (forgot last name) at the Edinburgh Fertility and Reproductive Endocrinology Centre (EFREC for short). 

Overall it was a positive experience. I was expecting transphobia and was pleasantly surprised. I spoke about needing to present a palatable narrative to access treatment and my fears about being misgendered or treated transphobically, or being denied treatment etc now, and further down the line when/if I retrieve my eggs, and was at least acknowledged in my fears, although really there’s not much she can do about them. She said that the laws around fertility preservation for trans people are still under development, so I hope that by being honest about my needs and advocating for the needs of other trans people I might be able to at the very least just give them some accurate data to work with.

I learned that I can freeze my eggs and store them for free on the NHS, for more than 10 years provided that I do not drink alcohol, smoke tobacco, use illegal drugs, or have a BMI over 30 at the time I am undergoing clinical procedures. 

To use my eggs some options have NHS funding and some do not, although this funding is likely to change over the next 5,10,20 years so likely will be different when I actually get round to using them. On the NHS either myself or someone I am in a “long term stable relationship” with (which here means: married/civil-partnered, demonstrably living together for at least the last two years, and emotionally stable (as decided by whoever the fuck assesses this at the clinic?)) can use my eggs for IVF or ICSI. Apparently lesbians can only have one baby by IVF on the NHS which is wild, so if me and my legal partner are both legally women that sucks for us I guess?? I would consider changing my legal gender to get more babies tbh.

Also the single long term partner thing could complicate my relationships because I am polyamorous and having a single long term partner who I’d want to have kids with is only one of several relationship structures I can see myself in! Possibly I can see a scenario where we use one of our other partners as our sperm donor? IDK but there must be polyam ppl who’ve gone through this who I can read the stories of!

What if neither myself nor my legal partner can/want to be pregnant? Surrogacy does NOT have NHS funding, which means I guess I have to get fake married to someone if they want to be my surrogate??? Which complicates things bc I wanted to be able to get usefully fake married to someone for immigration reasons... Apparently atm surrogacy costs upwards of £10k, including medical and legal fees. It’s not currently legal to pay for a surrogate although you can give them financial aid and gifts.

What if the law changes? I can get up to date legal information from the clinic by asking them for it to be posted to me. If the law gets more restrictive, well, that would suck. Hopefully the law will get kinder towards queer people.

Can my eggs could be moved around the country? Yes although funding may be different for procedures as different postcodes have different clinical commissioning groups. Do I have the right to travel back to Lothian and have my IVF/ICSI here on the NHS if I move to a different postcode? Unknown - she will get back to me on it.

Am I allowed to bring someone with me to the clinic? Yes, and it’s recommended! I can bring a companion with me to appointments but they aren’t allowed into the operating room with me. I also have to have a lift arranged for my return after the oocyte retrieval due to the effects of the sedative and she’s going to check for me if I can get a taxi paid for by the clinic.

What else did I learn? I have the option to have more counselling, which I’ll probably take her up on after I’ve seen the clinician. Currently all treatment is paused due to coronavirus, but I am on the waiting list and I’ll be told when my next appt. is when they know! I might not have to stop taking T to have the oocyte retrieval. If I use a sperm donor the child will have a legal right to find out who the donor is once they turn 18. I have to go for multiple scans where they stick a camera probe up there... The procedure involves using instruments that go into the vagina so I should have a think about that - what I want to tell the doctors etc...

Things I still want to find out: 

- do I still get IVF/ICSI for free if I’m legally male

- how does the procedure work?

[transbeck]

I’m about to have my first fertility preservation clinic appointment, telephone counselling. I’ll write it up here afterwards. Also some point soon will give more general updates

[ukftm]

Hi there, I don’t know how up to date your i for is for Manchester. I just wanted to let people know they no longer have a cancellation list and just work down people in the waiting list until someone takes the cancelled slot. It is also around 12 months to first appointment, 3 months to pre op and a further 12 from then for surgery

Thanks for sharing!

~ Alex

[transbeck]

13 months on T

cw: body talk, mention of disordered eating

I haven’t written an update in a while, I stopped because I was finding it too stressful to examine my bodily changes so minutely! I’m still going to give updates but will be more chill abt it and not make myself stick to a monthly schedule.

So I’ve been on T just over a year. At 6 1/2 months I doubled my dose and since then different things have changed. My PMS feeling and spotting went away, I’ve lost most of the weight I gained in the first six months, my moods felt much more stable. I think this dose of T works much better for me. 

My voice dropped between 7 and 9 months and is fairly androgynous atm. I am learning to speak from my chest to get a nicer sound quality.

 I am HAIRY AS ALL FUCK, like shoulder hair, chest hair, butt hair, lower back hair. And it’s long for body hair too lol, AND it’s only 1 year so I’m fully expecting to be a rug man. I’ve started getting more facial hair? I have to shave every 4-5 days or my chin starts looking fuzzy. Atm it is mostly blonde and not very thick but I’m seeing some darker hairs on my cheeks and chin which I imagine will fill in slowly. Also I think I’m going to go bald eventually - receding hairline at the temples and the air on top of my head looks thinner :( unless I miraculously do a complete 180b and stop being stressed forever. The beard growing means my face is very spotty too, but I can deal with it for a year or so!

My skin is rougher, I’m starting to get arm veins, I don’t have excess BO - I’d say I smell similar but not like ~ fertile woman ~ anymore?, my sex drive has chilled out altho I am hormer than before for sure.

Since December I have been managing my disordered eating, specifically avoiding my trigger foods - junk food and sweets, and as a result my body is much happier! I feel like I’m starting to see myself in my body and although the me I see is tired and looks a bit ill it’s a lot better than before when I just ...could not recognise my own body. It’s been very difficult! I was addicted to junk food and I’d been using it as a coping mechanism for a long time and I’ve found it very difficult to change my food habits. I feel precarious in my eating habits atm but I’m still very proud of the progress I’ve made. If you are struggling/have struggled with this I see you.

Since I’ve lost some weight I’m getting gendered female more often than male, which SUCKS. It makes me very aware of my big hips and butt, although I haven’t actually asked anyone “Hey what made you misgender me today?” so I feel that’s more my own insecurities than based on evidence. 

Also I’m hyper aware of my titties at all times which is wearing. It fels like they’re just glued to me. I can’t bind for long periods or on successive days because of my athsma and I am having a hard time with this. I’ve gone back to wearing sports bras because anything slgihtly flatter is better (also I have a ‘nobody can ever know my nipples are hard sometimes’ thing leftover from secondary school? did anyone else experience this? the shame of being known to have nipples?). I am waiting to be referred for top surgery by the GIC, If I’m referred in around November then the waiting time is around 15 months til surgery and that would be right in the middle of third year - not ideal! I’m wracking my brains to figure out if there’s any way I could afford to get top surgery privately this year.

Outside of my transition I’ve started running again, aiming for 3x per week, although I might not be able to keep it up in the winter (cold is an asthma trigger for me), and I am trying to do a pullup and a handstand. I might be joining a drumming group for a performance on Samhuinn, and I’m taking this year off to do a job and transition in peace. I’m also trying out dating, with interest in every gender! Trying to remember to have fun and not let every man I consider dating become Man himself.

A few months ago I had a telephone appointment with a nurse at the GIC to talk about just “how I was getting on”. He wanted to know what changes T had made to my body and I was like “I don’t see why this is relevant but here’s what’s changed”, we talked about egg freezing and he’s going to refer me to a specialist if I haven’t already been referred. We talked a bit about top surgery and he’s where I got my 15 months figure from. I will write another more formal update after my top surgery referral appointment in a few months.

[transbeck]

:) baby boy is starting to grow sideburn hairs! my first beard hairs!

[transbeck]

lol I got too much sun and now I’ve got my first arm vein like alarming! but also ..nice

[transbeck]

8 months babes

So six weeks ago I upped my dose and things have changed more significantly since then. In the last month or so I’ve been having fewer mood swings, my voice has started to get deeper, I have a few chin hairs, the fat is shifting off my hips. All these things are wonderful and so welcome! I’ve also started to get acne which is still getting worse. It’s difficult not to pick at it.

Still not really passing, and I feel guilty that I care abt passing but it would be nice to have the option not to be read as female. It’s tiring to be misgendered constantly and to be visibly trans. I haven’t changed much compared to some other ppl who’ve been on T for 8 months, and it’s really hard not to compare myself to them! I think bc I started out on a low dose I’m changing slower. Also important to remember that as long as I stay on T I will continue to change.

I’m finally starting to feel like I’m not constantly at war with my body which is nice! I’m reconnecting to my body and refinding memories in my body. Honestly I think taking T is saving my life. It feels weird coming out of such a difficult time and readjusting: not needing a lot of the things that had kept me alive but not knowing who I am without them. I feel like my personhood is very much in transition and my sense of self is rapidly changing. I hadn’t really thought about this before starting T and it’s a scary thing to adjust to when I hadn’t planned for it! It’s also freeing to know that I’m a growing changing person and not like? the image of a person I was trying to be before. It’s really nice to let myself be a bit messy and contradictory. 

[transbeck]

turns out the place u apply T gel is important!! I got a tattoo on my upper arm so I was like ‘no problem I’ll just put my T on my thigh for the next few weeks’ and within less than a week I felt absolutely awful. Today I put my T on my arm just like avoiding the tattoo and I feel pretty well back to normal. I had a hot flash today which to me clearly indicates that my terrible mood was down to hormone changes.

Just to be clear the problem I was having wasn’t to do with the specific place I was applying the gel, it was because I was inconsistent in my application place.

[transbeck]

me: can I have a deep voice and muscles

testosterone: here is your fat hairy belly you’re welcome

[transbeck]

7 months on T

This month quite a lot of medical stuff has happened: had to change GP, had more bloods done, had my 2nd GIC appointment here in Edinburgh (which I haven’t been writing up individually bc I’m tired out), doubled my testosterone dose. 

My old GP discharged me after learning that over the summer of 2018 I’d been living out of catchment. I then registered with a different GP, got bloods done -which are the ones I was talking abt last month- but forgot to bring the letter saying which tests to ask for so I had to go back a week later for more bloods. (Also bizzarely Notts asks for a different set of bloods.) In the time between this I was like ‘huh I feel like shit what happens if i take twice as much testosterone’ and so at my next bloods my levels were I think 37ng/dl? and at the follow up GP appointment I asked if she’d write to the GIC asking if they would double my dose. A week later I got a letter from the GP telling me to double my dose. So I’m now taking 40.5mg of testogel every day.  Last month I was feeling pretty low energy a lot of the time, my mood was very changeable, I had some light spotting for a few days and was worried my period could come back. Since doubling my dose I feel better: more settled and more consistent. I also haven’t had any periody symptoms this month.

My 2nd GIC appointment was pretty unremarkable. I found out that there’s abt a 5 month wait til my assessment at the GIC for top surgery, and then I should be referred to the Manchester team and have about a year’s wait until surgery. I was surprised at this because a friend of mine told me he’d been told it would be at least two years wait, although honestly I’m not surprised that we’ve both been told different things because the GIC here seems to be inconsistent with patient information. I’m trying to figure out when the best time to have top surgery would be considering my degree and starting to think if i could possibly afford to go privately.

I also found out that they just had no clue what I was taking which was a bit alarming. They thought I was taking 10mg/day tostran and they had doubled it to 20mg/day. I have no idea where they got that from because they’ve recieved my documents from Nottingham who had prescribed me 25mg/day tostran, and presumeably also from the GP who had written me a prescription for 20.25mg/day testogel. Hopefully their records will now be accurate.

Something I’ve noticed about taking hormones is that I’m very aware of my body and things that are changing about it which is actually pretty tiring. Even though the change is welcome it takes energy to adapt to. I’m constantly scrutinising and measuring myself in a way that doesn’t feel healthy for me. I want to take a step back from it but still figuring out how.

I’ve also noticed that my body is changing relatively slowly compared to other bodies taking testosterone. I still look female in the body and am still largely read as female, my voice has got deeper but is more of an alto than in the male range, my body is hairier but not so noticeably that I read as male. My fat still sits mostly on my belly, hips, butt, and although I’ve gained some muscle my body shape is still pear shaped. Thinking back on my first puberty this makes sense - my body changed more slowy and less dramatically than most of my peers.

I feel sad thinking about how long it might take me to be able to rest in my body, but I feel hopeful knowing that in just over half a year I have started a process of affirming myself that I can continue for the rest of my life. I feel more confident knowing that I have made a difficult decision and that I feel better as a result.

[transbeck]

6 Months on T!

SO I’ve noticed that relatively not much has changed since 4 months and I have two theories as to why: 1) T makes your skin thicker and I take my T as a gel which you absorb through your skin so I’m absorbing less T as time goes on. 2) I’ve started eating better and exercising again and my body is readjusting its metabolism, including sex hormones

In my most recent blood results my T levels were about 17ng/dl and the ones before that (november???) my levels were at about 23ng/dl (and I was very consistent with the time after application!). I had more blood tests last week which I can pick up the results for tomorrow - hopefully I’ll be able to figure out what’s going on. I think if I do need my dose increased it’ll happen in about a month since that’s when I’m next seeing the gender clinic.

So in light of that, some changes I’ve noticed in the last month:

 - more shoulder hair, my upper arms are fuzzy

 - I can do a pullup! Finally! tbh I could have done this pre-t if I’d exercised but it’s been a lot easier to get there as I am finding it way easier to build strength

 - voice has gotten a little bit deeper, just after 5 months it started getting deeper and now it cracks a bit and ppl have commented on it

 - my first sideburn hair has arrived

 - oily oily skin I am getting so many spots (and scratching them ugh it’s an anxious habit I want to break)

 - the veins are showing up on the backs of my hands all the time and there’s one that shows up on my wrist sometimes which I love

 - my old shoes are too tight - I’ve got some new ones from clothes swaps which are about an 8? I fit a 7-8.5 now (depending on make) whereas before I was a 6.5-7.5. My feet haven’t got any longer but they are wider which I think is from cartilage thickening. I’m broadening out of some of my smaller t shirts too - I think I’ll have a clothes sort out soon.

 - I used the mens’ room and got some curious looks but nothing was said to me. Taking every opportunity to use a gender neutral bathroom where I can until I feel safer in the mens’ room.

 - got some swimming trunks and a sports shirt in a cltohes swap so I might try going swimming this month (scary!)

 - proper dirt stache if I don’t shave every 3 days or so

 - my forearms are looking a bit beefier

 - I’m super horny and also? I’m horny for guys and I wasn’t expecting that? I think I’m more comfortable acknowledging my attraction to men because I feel more confident in my gender, but I’m still afraid to act on it bc I’m scared that at best! they’re going to make me feel like shitt and bc I’m scared I’ll be subject to transphobic violence

 - people don’t say this but like fat redistribution also includes ur downstairs! it’s all looking a bit deflated but functionally it’s the same :)

 - I am stressed really stressed. This is mostly bc of starting uni again and getting into a routine and managing stimuli, but I don’t think it’s helped by fluctuating hormone levels. Part of why I chose to use gel is because it gives you a more consistent hormone level day by day because I knew this would affect me.

 - slowly starting to lose fat - I’ve been strictly avoiding junk food since mid december, and since the start of February I’ve started exercising at least 3 times per week, running and lifting weights/doing yoga on alternate days. I have lost some fat from my upper belly. I still feel very negative about the fat on my hips and butt - it’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that this body is me. I’d also like to have less fat under my chin and on my upper back, but it doesnt upset me to the same extent.

 - dysphoria about my chest is intensifying. It’s really hard to leave the house without a binder, but I can’t breath well enough to wear a binder for more than a couple of hours max. It’s really hard to leave the house but I’m managing it! I want to learn to change how I think about my body and be comfortable in it. I think I will eventually get top surgery, but I need that decision to be an act of love towards my body.

 - I’m becoming aware of just how much I was hurting pre-t. I’m grateful to be able to take T and see my body changing. I think that over the past month I’ve acknowledged that I don’t have to hold that pain inside me, and I think allowing myself to take testosterone is a big part of that. It feels like it’s the beginning of coming back to myself. I still feel alienated from my body, but I’m feeling hopeful about my future self.

[transbeck]

5 months on T

Honestly not a lot has changed this month. I’ve basically had a month off to reset myself and I’m feeling much better for it, so compared to that mood shift T changes have felt less significant. I think overall everything has continued to happen very slowly? The two things I’ve really noticed are my voice and my belly fat.

My voice is continuing to get deeper, although very gradually, not at all like the sudden voice drop you hear trans guys talk about. I downloaded a voice recording app and according to this app the lowest my voice will go is very comfortably in the male range, but my voice is mainly in the female-androgynous range. I use a wide range of pitches when I speak which is apparently more common in women. I feel much more confident in my voice now but I’d like it to be a bit deeper still, and I think it will get there!

My body fat has started redistributing, which means it’s all moving to my stomach. My lower thighs look more muscular and less soft/smooth. Honestly this month I have really had to confront my body image and I’d like to write about it at some point, although as uni starts again next week it might not be for a while.

As well as this I have made a commitment to eat and live as healthily as I am able to for the whole month of January. after which I’ll review. I am getting up and going to bed at regular times, going for a walk every day, eating meals at regular times, taking time to relax every day, and most importantly I have completely stopped eating junk food. This has been very difficult for me and some time in the future I would like to write about it too! I chose to do this because I’d noticed that even on T my body felt like shit. Already I’ve noticed that my body feels much better.

I hope that in the next month I’ll be able to maintain my healthier routines and add in my uni work without feeling overwhelmed.

[transbeck]

I’m thinking of getting a tattoo when I’ve been on t for 6 months