transition station

DK transition log 2023-? you must be prepared to change everything about yourself

[transitionstation]

Next deposit injection in a week.

It feels strange that I will be doing this for the rest of my life. Also the restrictions this puts on my ability to travel internationally or ever again settle, even temporarily, in another country. This specific medical treatment has such a unique set of challenges attached.

I have a prescription for Finasteride lying around, but I haven't filled it. I would like to slow the receding hairline, it's been quite abrupt, and I'm feeling vey naked, facially, since there is no beard coming in to balance things out so far. I also am feeling a slight sting of vanity, for the first time in my life, and would just like to keep my (already very fine and straight) hair for as long as possible. Anyway, the reason I didn't start the Finasteride treament yet is that life is extremely trying this year, and I don't think that I'm in the right place to start a medication with the possible side effect of acute suicidality. So in the meantime I'm just losing hair...

[chillyfeetsteak]

being non-binary pre and post transition

[chillyfeetsteak]

I'M JUST TRYIN TO GET MY GROSHRIES

[transitionstation]

It’s kind of ironic that I currently have access to (public healthcare funded) medical transitioning specifically as a non-binary person, but I don’t have access to any social or legal status as non-binary, since that doesn’t exist here.

[transitionstation]

Had my first follow-up since shifting to injectable T. I’ve been incredibly frustrated with how inconsistent my levels are, and these first two injections (they’ve been 6 weeks apart, and at my GP’s office - that’s how they do them here) haven’t really helped.

They were happy with my levels at the checkup, saying they expected them to rise slowly over the next 4-6 months, where injections will be 12 weeks apart; but I’ve felt no effect on the second injection, I’m exhausted all the time, I no longer experience erections, my body-hair, and sparse facial hair, has turned soft and downy, fat deposits are migrating back to face, thighs, lower belly… It doesn’t feel good.

So far the only changes reliably chugging along have been the deepening of my voice, and a steadily receding hairline. I’m considering trying out a low dose finasteride treatment to slow down the hair-loss. The thought of ending up as a bald, lumpy figure of ambiguous gender, because my body just didn’t respond properly to the T, is pretty upsetting right now.

I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about this transition a lot lately. I know that there is no way for me to trans my gender so that society recognises it, because society does not recognise anything but men and women. So I’m not transitioning into any kind of gender affirmation, I’m just alleviating a lifelong existential discomfort with my physical form. And that part is working, but it’s entirely personal and private. I do actively expect to end up socially more isolated and marginalised than before, when/if people start reading me as male.

[transitionstation]

I am not getting Second Puberty™ from this. If anything, the endless, unfinished spool of Wrong Puberty™ is finally coming to a slow halt.

This may change over time, I suppose, but right now that is the best sort of image I can conjure from what is going on.

I'll do a log of change soon, just -- life has been wearing me down to the bones for months. It's hard to find the time and focus to sit down and put words to things.

[transitionstation]

Speaking about voice -- my throat is starting to hurt, my voice gets hoarse, and sometimes weak/lacking in strength. It seems like I'm straining it a lot of the time, and I could really use some voice exercises to help me not do that, so I don't end up damaging it, but my region doesn't offer them.

Does anyone have recommendations for any good/reputable online ressources for ftm voice exercises?

[transitionstation]

I’ve been getting more and more comments and questions about my voice from people. Older family members, shopkeepers that know me from years of being a regular customer, those sorts of encounters. The voice is honestly the only thing that’s changed enough for anyone to notice, so I’m dismissing it as a cold, when I have a cold, and allergies the rest of the time, because I don’t see the point of saying anything about gender, and am absolutely not going to explain any of that to random acquaintances. The older family members can wait for when (if) I grow a beard/lose my hair, if that happens.

Ironically I have been sporting a cigarettes-and-whiskey voice from february to june or july for years now, due to allergies. It’s just gained a deeper resonance on T, and I guess people pick up on it subconsciously — at least it coincides with children starting to ask what gender I am, despite me looking pretty much exactly the same as always. I haven’t changed my wardrobe. I don’t think I’m doing anything differently from before.

This brought to the timeline courtesy of both an aunt and my regular teashop owner asking me about my voice this week.

[transitionstation]

a weird detail that i started noticing maybe 6 months ago: my lower lip is getting narrower, in that about a 2 mm width strip (height, really) of the skin at the middle of the lower lip is slowly changing from lip skin to regular skin

[transitionstation]

I'm currently having a lot of thoughts about this transition, and it's intended purpose.

It's a little weird and alienating to transition medically as an agender person. I can find some people online going through a physiologically similar process, but all of the people I've come across (looking for post-menopausal people doing hrt) are transitioning to be trans men, physically and socially.

Social transition isn't available (and if it was, wouldn't be necessary) as an agender person. I'l be agender regardless of how I look, and there is no way to culturally present as such. I'm well aware that the only thing being changed is my body (which is doing wonders to alleviate my physical discomfort, dysphoria, and self-alienation), and my own relationship with it.

Once the changes become sufficiently visible, they'll influence how my surroundings interact with me as well--how people decide to categorise and classify me. But it'll just be a slightly different flavour of the same thing that I'm used to now, since nobody is going to view me as agender, and social dysphoria will remain a constant.

I may get stuck being read as a trans woman. Or a gender non-conforming guy. Or just a guy. All of these will result in slightly different flavours of agression and exclusion to the ones I'm used to when I can't conform, but it won't change anything beyond that.

[transitionstation]

i wish i had made a blog to journal about my hrt and transition like you have. really excellent idea.

btw i feel you about being impatient. it took me a while to get to 'cis male' T levels and it was a drag sometimes.

just wanted to wish you well 💞

Thanks for the well wishes <3

I know that in a couple of years time I won't remember most of these things, so making a side blog to jot things down in when I feel like it, seemed worthwhile. Not that I've done much introspective writing on the gender thing, and I suppose most things got processed ahead of time seeing as how long it took me to get here. But just noting down when various changes occur has been helpful as a kind of timeline to check back on. If you feel like it, you can always jot down the things that stayed with you from the process whenever. And the process of transitioning doesn't really end, the social/cultural aspects keep evolving and impacting you throughout life.

I can tell, from talking to younger trans friends, that the primary positive impact of hrt is usually personal--in how it improves our connection with our authentic self, lets us feel real and at home in our bodies. It eases the sense of internal alienation, but not the external one. We stay trans, with or without the hrt.

Hormonal transitioning is kind of a gamble anyway, and one year is not enough to see what outcome I'll get, I'm just impatient!--both by nature and in this instant specifically. The people I meet who are doing or have done this all did so in their twenties, and that's a whole different body to work with, so I don't have much relevant comparison around to curb or guide my impatience.

Anyway, thanks for reaching out through the void of the internet. Hope you're doing well also!

[transitionstation]

First injection today (december 22nd) after an entire year+ on gel. They do depot injections here (don’t know the english term for it, but generally a deep muscle deposit every 12 weeks) and it left a burning sensation for a number of hours, but that’s it. Fingers crossed that this will give me more stable levels of T, as it’s been kind of tough see-sawing all year.

[transitionstation]

In a week I will have been on T-gel for a year. Most of the time I have had T-levels well below the threshold of what's needed for the body to function as intended. And despite being very diligent with how I used the gel this hasn't changed, so I'm going to switch to injections, and hope that they make it easier for my body to absorb the T in a more consistent way. Since the clinic has no idea why my levels have been so unstable all year, there is no guarantee that the injections will change anything, but I hope they will. I could really do with some stability.

[shamebats]

Tiktok post by @ djdott64 (he/him).

[transitionstation]

Do your feet grow on testosterone? Mine definitely seem to be getting broader, my fall boots don't fit well this year...

[transitionstation]

Going throught the world's most glacial puberty

[transitionstation]

Physical gender euphoria from the wind moving the fabric of my shirt freely against my chest and stomach. It's such a basic reminder of finally having an adult body that is correctly updated from my pre-pubescent one. I don't know how else to describe it. The feeling is: I'm finally back. It's such a small weird thing to do the trick, but it's very effective at evoking the reconnection to embodied self that comes with your physical form changing to fit the internal image you have.

[transitionstation]

Wow, building muscle on T is ridiculously easy. Anyone on innate T has absolutely no idea how easy they have it compared to the rest of humanity. Imagine just living like this your whole adult life.

I finally managed to strengthen my core, which also means better balance and stability overall. This was just from paying attention and doing some half squats daily. My body is rubbish, and I absolutely cannot do weights at all (plus I was dealing with a shoulder fracture during this time), but on T this is enough. Ridiculous.

My body-shape is changing slowly. It seemed like it was already changing a bit, but getting a flat stomach has made it more visible that fat is redistributing bit by bit. Not as much or as quickly as I would like, but enough to make a marked difference to how I feel about my body and how it looks.

Still no body hair coming in (sigh), but also still not up to the required T-levels. It's pretty frustrating at eight and a half months, but there's nothing to do but slog on. Next endocrinological check-up is in december.