At least once in your partner’s transition you’re going to witness dysphoria at it’s worst. I’m not saying all trans people get dysphoria, but most do, especially before and during the early stages of transitioning.
During last summer, my partner was trying to convince everyone around her, and herself, that she wasn’t trans and decided to grow out a beard. At this time I knew about her previous attempt at transitioning and her GID and knew that this was something she felt she had to do, rather than something she wanted to do. Still, I supported her through this, after all it was her choice and she went for about four weeks without shaving her facial hair off. During this time, she would often have little low moments where she felt ugly and disgusting, but the big bout of dysphoria came at the end of those four weeks when she finally couldn’t take it anymore.
Unfortunately, we lived a train journey apart then so all I could do was phone her and comfort her. Afterwards, she shaved it all off and felt much better afterwards, although dysphoria still lurked around for a while after. Since then, she’s started HRT and is transitioning. I think the beard was a reminder to her that she can’t stop having GID by growing a beard, and she can’t convince herself she can’t force herself to be male by doing an incredibly manly thing. It was her wake up call. It was now or never, and by never I mean she probably wouldn’t still be here today.
Even though she has been on HRT for eight months now, she still has bouts of dysphoria almost everyday, although nothing has ever been as bad as last summer. During any main episode of dysphoria, it usually starts with something small and gradually builds up over the course of the day. Something like the tiniest amount of stubble on her legs, for example. To me, it’s nothing, barely visible and something I get regularly deal with because I’m lazy with my legs. But to Frankie, it’s something massive, disgusting and feels massively manly. She’ll then go outside and feel like she doesn’t pass as female and it all mounts up to her self esteem and confidence being knocked down to minus 100. Even in a bath, after she’s shaved, she’ll struggle with knowing she had to shave and will then struggle with seeing the rest of her body because she’s already feeling down. Everything feels more negative. This, will usually result in tears and fears about never passing or being feminine enough, which then spirals into fears about never being accepted by her family. By the end of this, the only place for Frankie is bed.
During this episode, Frankie needs a lot of support and by using this example, I hope to help any family member or partner wishing to support someone through this horrible time.
I guess the easiest way to show this is through steps.
STEP 1 - Listen and Comfort: When Frankie is first showing signs of dypsphoria (looking/sounding down, saying she feels ugly/disgusting, moving slowly, getting easily frustrated etc), I approach her carefully, ask her what’s wrong and then listen to what she’s finding tough to deal with, i.e. her leg stubble. Then, if she’s okay with it, I’ll check them myself and I tell her that they’re not noticeable. If I have the same stubble on my legs, or worse, I would then show her to show that cis gendered women get the same so it’s not specifically a male thing. Once, I actually grew leg hair and arm hair to show her it happens to everyone. I grew my leg hair out until I felt uncomfortable and that gave me a tiny glimpse into how she feels, to this day I still have long, dark arm hair to show her it’s okay. I then would say about no one will see them during the day and that it’s an easy enough problem to sort later on.
Note: Please do not ever lie to your partner about what you think of their issue. Say it was facial hair they had a problem with, and to you the part on the top lip was visibly stubbly but not anywhere else, then tell them. It’s worse to lie to your partner than it is to tell them the truth. They know you’re lying and it’ll make it harder for them to trust your opinions later on.
STEP 2 - Checking Up On Her: Even though I’ve comfort her and shown her it’s okay, that doesn’t mean she’s fully okay. Throughout the day, little “Are you okay?”’s are helpful. I don’t just listen to what she says, I listen to how she says it and watch her body language. This helps me determine how well or not she is coping. I will also tell her how beautiful and pretty she is to me so, for at least a second, she feels good about herself again. If she’s getting gradually worse throughout the day, that’s a cue to me that it’s time for me to step in.
STEP 3 - Stepping In: Using this as an example, I would step in by running her a bath and making sure it was extra bubbly so for the most part, she wouldn’t see her body and feel worse about herself and relax a little in the water. Bubble baths are great for relaxing someone who’s dysphoric. I usually run it but tell her in advance so that she has a plan made up for her. It gives her a point of focus to get through the space of time between then and when the bath is ready to go into. Usually, giving her some space beforehand is a great idea as well so she can clear her mind without worrying about what I’m doing or seeing. When she’s in the bath, I never stop listening out. Depending on how much of a close relationship you have, you can either sit at the door quietly, sit in a nearby room with the door open or sit in the bathroom with your partner. I stay in a nearby room but if she shouts or texts for me, we are close enough that I can come sit at the side of the bath tub and hug her. Then I repeat Step 1 because, by now, this one problem will have turned into dozens.
Note: This might be obvious, but please don’t look anywhere else of your partner in the bath except their face. Just look at their face when your talking to them and listening. Lookinng at their body will increase their dysporia and make it awkward for both of you and will probably mean your partner will be a lot more hesitant to shout for you in the future with this situation.
STEP 4 - Plan For Your Partner: Now I don’t mean plan every single move your partner makes. I just mean a rough plan that leaves room for interpretation by your partner. For example, when she was calm enough that I could leave the room, I would then tell Frankie to shave (if she hasn’t already), finish washing herself and jump out for a cup of tea and cuddles before bed. It gives her room to take however long she wants in the bath and however long she wants cuddles for whilst also giving her a plan to focus on through the dysphoria so she isn’t stuck in a cycle of doing nothing and thinking to much to then getting upset and zoning out afterwards. Like little checkpoints. If she gets too upset, she can come back knowing where she was last. Giving them the plan helps them clear their mind from trying to pick where to go next as well. Imagine dysphoria being like an oncoming tornado. Your inches away and through all the panic you trying to figure out where to move to to get to safety. Think of yourself as a little light beam showing them the safe path. The light in the dark. So even if they do get panicked again, the pathway is still there so they can quickly get back on track.
STEP 5 - Comfort and Sleep: When the dysphoria calms down, don’t think that it’s over. Stay with your partner and keep comforting them, even just by letting them cuddle up with you. It will have been exhausting to go through for both of you emotionally and physically. Just the simplest thing like a hug will give a feeling of support and safety for the both of you and will make your partner feel loved and get rid of any guilt they have for being dysphoric around you. A cup of tea, coffee or hot chocolate will calm them down, give them a bit of energy and something simple like a dollop of squishy cream on the hot chocolate will give them some childish happiness. Lastly, take them to bed. Whether it’s for a nap or a night’s rest, the sleep will do them good. A lot of dysphoria and depression is worsened by general tiredness or lack of sleep. Even just an hour’s nap will recharge their batteries, clear their head and give them strength that they didn’t have before. A nap doesn’t fix everything, but it generally gives your partner, and you, a fighting chance.
I hope these were of some use to you, every episode of dysphoria is different in importance, length and reason but these steps are easily fitted into each situation to hopefully help your partner in getting through the episode. These episodes are sometimes horrible to witness and a nightmare to go through. So just remember to pat both of yourselves on the back when it’s over because it’s thanks to both of you that your partner got through it. I’ve noticed that dysphoria has brought me and Frankie closer because Frankie knows she can find strength and safety in me and she can trust me to never give up in those situations and I know more about what Frankie goes through and can relate to her more on a depression level so I feel less alone and alienated.
Dysphoria is a bitch, but if you work with your partner, or family relative, you can get through it together.
