Thank you so much for bringing this up.
Most of my dysphoria is social, especially now that I am further in transition. How people treat you is very important, because how we perceive ourselves is often very tied to how others see us. If you are treated like a dude every day, but identify as fem, there is a serious conflict and thus dysphoria.
When you are looking fine as hell and guys are flirty and everything is going great, you are out shopping for some groceries… but then the cashier misgenders you it’s like someone punched you in the stomach.
That’s fucking dysphoria, just as much as looking down and seeing in-congruent genitals can be a punch to the gut. Maybe even more so. I can come to terms with my body, but I have a very hard time coming to terms with people treating me as if I am the sum of the genitals in my pants.
Sure, a lot of that are other social emotions. But the root of it is the sick to my stomach feeling that makes me just want to crawl in a hole and die when someone treats me or perceives me as male.
It’s because my entire view of myself is challenged by the obvious conflicting perception of the opposite from another human, is that not dysphoria? How the fuck is it possibly not dysphoria.
At this point in my transition, I am very happy with my body. I would like bottom surgery, but I am not sure it’s ever going to be a financial or physical reality. But I have learned to cope with the physical dysphoria, and to accept and learn to love my body the way it is. Because I cant spend my whole fucking life in misery.
And all the walls and internal supports that hold up my feeling of comfort and acceptance for a body that isn’t exactly congruent with my mind are shattered and shook every time someone misgenders me, uses the wrong name, or calls me dude and tried to bro-fist me.
I keep it inside, I never let them see me wince. I defend myself as I see fit or I walk away. But I go home and for the next week every time I look in the mirror I want to cry. I wont leave the house for a week or more, I stop showering, I hate myself, I get depressed and grumpy.
And I don’t even realize it, its so internalized. Until my partner or my kids ask me if I am ok, and start encouraging me to get out and get some fresh air… then it hits me: I’ve been all fucked up about life and everything for weeks ever since that asshole at the grocery store misgendered me in front of 4 other people.
And then I begin to make the long climb back out of the hole of self hatred and depression, back to acceptance for the body I see when I look down. It takes weeks of hard work and mental tenacity to re-establish my self view and validate myself. I often post a lot of selfies during these times to try to get social support from my online network.
Social dysphoria is absolutely devastating, and if you don’t believe it exists then fuck you.
andulkaphoto
ellievsbear
titsay
baratheonpilled
romaincrisis
