I was 22. So vibrantly young, living and breathing my truth. Being my absolute truest self. No holding back, not for society, not for… love. Not for family. Just living, for me.
A decade later, at 33 years old now. I’ve come to understand that for me, be it my 7 cats, my husband, my nephews and how blessed I am to get to be in their lives, like we spend time together and we go places and do things right? And you know… being expressively nonbinary is hard. I still do it, I still am, everyday. But it’s hard, and they know it. I know it. I never wanted pronouns to be a thing or an issue and now they are. Going through HRT, going off, getting back on it… the journey has been equally confusingly overwhelming as it has been life changing for me. It’s left my outside world a bit of a mess and I find myself thinking thoughts like “oh. I’m that now.” I’m the strange one everyone’s a little uncomfortable with because my genitalia is obviously male but it’s also obvious that I very much and in a refined sort of way don’t care. …
I don’t put on a show with my sense of style or fashion anymore like I did when I was as carefree as the wind. But in small ways, I get to be me and yes thats confusing and difficult sometimes. But I am so blessed, more so than I was back then. So much has changed and I understand now why it all had to happen the way that things did. How I’m becoming the next version of me. Stepping out and away from Elliott, not forgotten, I am still them and will always be. But Elisha is the person I’ve been becoming for over a decade. The person I have become and am still becoming.
When I created House of Alexzander, it was a blog for me to reference myself because there was no one like me in the mainstream. I had to be the vision, for myself, and Tumblr was like my little photo diary of that becoming. Something that became bigger than myself and I had no idea what I was doing. … and I know now that was okay. It was perfect, and innocent. To lead myself when I couldn’t find a leader. So I did, and lord did folks take notice. And I let folks take, until I had nothing left.
That’s how deep down, that’s how I wanted it to be. To leave my mark and then leave. I’ve watched for how I’ve impacted the internet, how my mark spilled over into everything from Pinterest to YouTube. Be it mocking me or looking up to me, inspiring or instigating, people notice when something is different. …. And THAT has been my biggest affirmation that I am not a boy, and I am not a girl. When people notice me, many get caught up on my gender or whatever. But when I’m really noticed, I’m seen as the human being that I am, for better or worse. Not the prescribed image of my genitalia, but also not the standards or liking of a woman, but ultimately alive. Im Human. That makes some folks uncomfortable.
I love me. And if you’re Nonbinary, I know times are very hard right now, for many. But please do your best to love yourselves. From the little things to the big things, be present in each moment, in all of your thoughts. Choose the uncomfortable path, because those that can weather your storms with you will. And you keep those people close you hear me!
I was scared for a while. I was going to run away. But then I thought “you know Elisha, if they drag you out of your home for being nonbinary, transgender, whatever the heck they wanna call it these days. … well know that this blog is proof I wouldn’t be the only one.” …
Because somewhere along that seemingly more and more potentially possible horrific journey... I’ll be thankful that I got to be there, with them, for them, the human beings like me. Because they’re like me, and I am like them. Human. There I'll continue to lead, to be, me.
