Trapped By Fire

[pglang]

nice joke bro now i'm insecure

[proto-homo]

Me at my family

[thesymski]

me: *sends friend a message at 3 am*

friend: *responds*

me: woah woah there what are you doing up go the fuck to sleep this isn’t healthy

[tinderventure]

me irl

[hilarioushumorfromouterspace]

[333mrdr333]

People always think if you want to hang out you have to DO something. Like… No.. Invite me over to your house, introduce me to your pets, give me a plate of Oreos and your wi-fi password. We can sit together in silence for HOURS.

[nonfunctionalqueer]

friendship goals

[hallucin8]

Dirty talk but you both use your customer service voice

[lo-kaia]

Thanks I hate it

[fifty-shadesofgay]

partner: *cums*

me: great! will you be needing anything else today?

[ruffboi-mags]

Customer service but you use your dirty talk voice

[taviacw]

You’re a nasty little bitch aren’t you? Trying to return these shoes after 30 days.

[strawbunnymoon-deactivated20240]

Jeezus fuckin Christ

[deathtokillian]

God is dead

[purplepinecones]

And we have killed him.

[reversewerewolf]

things i say that confuse and worry my coworkers:

“happy birthday” every time i hand them something

“well, that’s not ideal” whenever something is going wrong

“we are in the timeline that god abandoned” whenever i’m mildly inconvenienced

“can’t you see that your fighting is tearing this family apart?” whenever two or more coworkers are arguing

referring to taking medication as “eating medicine”

“time to go back to prison!” when putting animals back in their cages

referring to inanimate objects as (s)he, particularly when i break something and say “oh no, he’s dead.” this concerns them especially when i follow it up with “that’s not ideal”

“what are they gonna do, fire me?”

[dwarvesandrobots]

I work in a blood bank, and constantly refer to blood types as flavors, such as “Oh, you need two units? What flavor is he?” And my older coworkers just look at me confused but my coworker that’s my age doesn’t miss a beat and responds “A Pos”

[reversewerewolf]

this is probably my favorite comment on this post so far

[trappedbyfire]

You know what’s fucked up?

Today i googles “text suicide hotline” and the first 4 things that came up were advertisements, and not a number.

[gotouda]

some guy at the mens bathroom was like oi whatre you doin here and i was like wym im not a girl and he was like aw fuck sorry you just got beautiful features and fist bumped me

[gotouda]

this is so iconic we stan whoever this man was

[ashzxlla]

And I’m back, by popular demand.

[maliciousindungeon]

Boris Groh is one of my favorite artists, mostly because of his works that feature LARGE skeletons just doing their thing

[deactivated-blog]

Remember when you had energy to do things? Those were some wild times

[all-comes-crashing]

me and my friends dancing to “mr. brightside” 

[callunacthulhu]

I can’t get over how well this fits

[jestershark]

“Y’all motherfuckers” is a gender neutral speech opener

[joner]

me, laying on top of my significant other: hey

[ithelpstodream]

[uhmeliamay-deactivated20150305]