mesarchy intercalate

let us not be denied

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She's Jharan: a psychotic, an adult.

The tags are variably-legible: #bodyby holds people in many states (drawn, disassembled, flushed), #microthedas has textposts, #poetry has poetry, #caustic's where slurs are, #spectocular goes on aesthetic posts, #selfsaid's for originals, #piping's for brain noise (anything taken from an auditory hallucination goes here as well, though I don't get those often nowadays) #flashinglights is for epileptic-fit-inducing media, #horus in ebony is pointed at sociality and intuition, #newton's spine of six and more contains durable identity content, #romanticystic is a subset of #bodyby, #goals is goals, #rhatatata is for YouTube or music or games and #putpaces is about fighting, for example. This post's tagged with the regularly-used. The desktop theme and such are all broken and will be fixed at ~soonish(?) (though the intended viewing experience is via the app). Most posts are queued.

Some of the tags contain things you would not like to see, probably. I'm opposed to this in principle, but they're there to block.

Ideally it'd go without saying, but I don't endorse everything said by anyone I reblog.

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trigger-terms was what this Tumblr was called when I used it earlier in life, also.

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fuck me I am such a fucking moron. GLMW indeed.

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You figure being drafted into a brutal hazing as late adolescents has anything to do with why Korean men are so misogynistic? I mean, real women feel safer with bears, because bears are cuddly, so probably not, right?

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People really dislike it if you haven't magically decided your parents were perfect by the time nonfaggots are having their own kids: you're supposed to be anticipating repeating the cycle.

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Screenshotting something with the water filter is about doing harassment of the one screenshotted without giving them warning or right of reply, this being why it's a popular technique for cowards. Either reblog it or complain in a way that doesn't let someone identify the person.

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say so who killed Kissinger?

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I am smarter than many people I meet. Ah! Fuck me, that's so difficult to say. I'm getting a lot of gnar release as I write this part.

I imagine the Australian 'tall poppies get cut down' thing interacts poorly with my trauma history and personal qualities. I dislike it when people talk down to me: I seni-often infer people failing to grasp what I've said, looking at my flat affect and dishevelled appearance and bucketing me as a disabled, after which they start doing this babytalk thing. I've had several people (the wife of the other groomsman at a friend's wedding, for example) say to me in person 'Jharan, I think you're a genius or something', which I do appreciate, but it's not something I can really believe or make use of socially.

I mean... it did come up during the inpatient stay. Someone I'd met inside (downstairs, in the controlled wards, and not in the overflow low-risk zone I was transferred to after the ketoacidotic coma) asked 'you're clever, aren't you?' in hearing of the nurse's station, and I exhaled a couple of times and admitted I'd denormed the NAPLAN written expression section as a primary schooler. My school librarian started harassing me to write after that, which was irritating. I'd read the winning entry for the competition she mentioned, and I was like 'well, this is the kind of pap adults like children to produce' (I didn't think the words, I didn't have an internal monologue then [and still don't usually]), so I didn't see why I'd want to be involved.

[relatedly, giving my medical history to the RN prescribing the HRT they were like 'ketoacidosis is really intense: you're wrong about what happened', and then they checked my file and went 'okay, so you were barely above the cutoff where it's called ketoacidosis, meaning I was technically correct to talk down to you' (they didn't say that exactly). It's the usual thing: the defensive narcissism medical staff use to manage their distress (it's a difficult job) is threatened by a patient seeming to be on the inside of the domain without the piece of paper (meaning they aren't a class apart, so their status is in danger), so they regulate their trauma history by mansplaining(more often women do this in my experience, actually) at the patient until the relationship feels secure again]

I remember... I mentioned to someone yesterday how I have ever gone to a math competition. I went, I... I'd never heard of such a thing, and my sense beforehand was that it was an academic version of a sports day, where people go 'sports! sports! school spirit!' but for maths. It was at least something novel, though, so I was like 'sure'.

In retrospect, you were probably supposed to do something other than keep the problem paper in your school bag, beforehand. I went, was like 'I don't feel like I have enough information to solve this problem', and fucked around until it was over. I got back into my books when I got home and didn't think of it again until fairly recently.

It's not so surprising, really. My mother uses being smarter than others as her narcissistic defense, and whenever I do math out loud she'll make sure to stare at me so I lose the thread. It's a lot like how she said 'I'll totally support you in your transition, by which I mean tell you people will find it weird and tell you 'you will never be a woman' seven times in one conversation. This is why I don't take their help as much as I can avoid it.

[what fucking setup does the android grammar checker have nowadays? If IBM weren't a flailing corpse fit only for carrion to highgrade whining about how "don't be evil" was cringe to say on Epstein Island, they might have noticed how the 'burn reputational capital and use leonine contracts and market capture to fuck over their users as much as is profitable' thing they're doing makes them vulnerable to foreign competition not being rapacious vermin in their provision of technology, but then they did elect their last CEO, so I doubt they're capable of change. many such cases]

One of the issues I've been having is that I'm in a lot of credit card debt. It was a bad idea to get the thing, which is why I didn't for a long time, but I foolishly took my parents seriously when they emotional incested at me about how they were worried about paying their mortgage. I mean, they could tighten their belts even slightly and be totally fine, but they refuse to consider starting ADD treatment even though it'd definitely be really good for them, so they'll just have to keep feeding the reward system with frantic activity, which is expensive, so I do understand. My thinking was 'a credit card increases the damage surface of a manic episode, which turned out to be true.

It's not a *lot* of debt in the grand scheme of things, so I should be alright, though it is about a quarter of my yearly income. It's stressful, in that paying it down means I'm not wasting money, but then it's expensive to manage your stress.

Like, for example, I tried to order some vegan food on UberEats yesterday. My thinking was 'I can afford to splurge on not feeling like I'm committing an atrocity, which should be nice', but the card linked wasn't the one with money (the debit card), and I'd ordered just before close, so that didn't go through. In the end it was cheaper to get the vegetarian fast food meal later that evening, so it did kind of work out.

You may be tempted to say 'but isn't it cheap and easy to be vegan'? Well, not in my case. Food is expensive, because all the cheap carbohydrates (rice, pasta) are both bad schizotypy-wise and bad for the diabetes management.

(as an aside, looking at the McCrelly meal [viral vtuber thing] it was really funny to see the Americans say 'but why diet soda?': visiting AmeriKKA, I was like "why is everything cake instead of what it says it is", and managing the diabetes was difficult. this is why the French can eat pastries every day and be skinny, also: they aren't masking the terrible quality of their food with gallons of corn syrup, and they don't start getting withdrawals if they don't get their sweetums every hour)

Keto diets were first developed as an epilepsy treatment, as was Thorazine, so there are a lot of reasons to move in the fattier-higher-protein direction in my eating. If you're incompetent as a doctor you try to prevent your diabetic patients from doing them, because you can't tell the difference between the sign and signifier, but most diabetics have an accurate contempt for standard medical device, this being a reason to be glad for it (as I am, in some ways).

(am I right about the doctor thing in the above paragraph? I should check)

Relatedly, did you know CGMs and closed-loop technologies only became medical products after patients built their own? You could call this 'actually existing biopunk', if you wanted.

I was talking to the other smoker in my building about this, and he mentioned how he thought COVID vaccines were an op because 'how did they develop them so quickly?' I mean, the regular person's medical attitude is to go 'anything I find scary should be avoided': the losses that come from not doing research quickly are, like, karma, whereas it's abusing the vulnerable if you don't have IRBs enough to prevent research from happening. Like, medical advancements don't have the vibe of something cool and chill and natural, you know? Better to let nature take its course for those who were so stupid as to get reincarnated into a sick.

It's a lot like how people treat Ye: I mean, how dare this horrifying superpredator hurt white women's delicate feelings by noticing how 'Hitler super bad' is the defense Americans use to avoid noticing how Kissinger deliberately modelled American foreign policy after Germany's? He should really be put in chains about it. I mean, using blacks and the disabled as objects to feel morally superior *is* the American pasttime, right, so I assume that's the vibe.

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You know, I'm the way I am after 15 years of regular therapy and psychiatric engagement. Reaching the point of 'extremely mentally ill' has been the labour of my life.

Relatedly, this is why I so resent the superior attitude I often perceive in people advising others to develop a greater distress tolerance. I don't like being so reactive there, but regulating that response really does exceed my emotional regulation capacity, sometimes. I mean... My distress tolerance is very high. The problem I have is more that I'm using most of it for baseline functioning at the moment.

It's like... It's much like how people who enjoy and gain immediate-to-long-term mental health benefits from physical exercise are smug and superior about that. As I've said before, if I too got free heroin with my gym membership, I imagine it'd be easier to stick to a routine.

I tried many things, which I stuck with for periods of months, and none of them had the described effects: I was still in my 'I do not at all believe (well, alieve) this will change anything, but I will still act as one who believes it, because that's what the science seems to say, and I figure I'll notice these things eventually' attitude era, as I was until about ~27.

I remember mentioning to a friend the weirdness of it, after I'd started on the somatic experiencing therapy. I said 'it's the weirdest thing: it's like I suddenly have this mannequin attached to my reference frame'. It's like... Imagine I had the bodily experience of a VN protagonist beforehand and you'll be about there.

I remember, while I was in high school, thinking 'how is my self-worth?' I answered 'high', because that was the correct answer, to my knowledge, and I didn't notice I'd been mistaken for maybe a decade afterwards. Even now... It's a strange feeling, valuing your life. When I first started, I felt weird and vulnerable, because I had to be so careful with the flesh I was in. Even now, it's oddly scary being outside in the world, because everything seems so much more threatening than it did. I keep finding it a little hard to cross the road, because it would just be tragic to finally have even some expectation that I have a future to live for and to then die unexpectedly.

Okay, that's not quite true. I still don't feel it. It's more that I've given the impression I could help people, and I don't want to let them down by letting myself die. Fucking hell, now I'm crying again. Second time in as many days! It's an extremely high frequency: the last time before that was when I read the starfish story by Alexander Wales. I reblogged that one, I think.

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[anarchistkale]

Fact-checked this and it's basically accurate, although the facts are slightly off. The whole affair is also somehow worse than the post makes it sound.

The Zionist gang that murdered Bernadotte, Lehi, was active from 1940 to 1948. In May 1948, most of the gang's active members were inducted into the IDF and Lehi itself was formally dissolved. Some months later, several members of the officially dissolved but still functionally intact gang decided to assassinate Bernadotte to prevent any possibility of peace between Israel and the Palestinian people.

After the assassination, the Israeli government did arrest 200 Lehi members and declare the group a terrorist organisation. However, all those arrested were pardoned, the Israeli government later invented a military honour for them called the Lehi Ribbon, and the former Lehi leader who approved the assassination, Yitzak Shamir, later became prime minister of Israel.

Additional fun fact about Lehi: in the early stages of World War II they considered Nazi Germany a lesser threat to Jews than Great Britain, and they tried at least twice to ally with the Nazis and Fascist Italy.

So yeah, the gang of literal Nazi sympathisers who murdered a diplomat who had saved hundreds of Jews from the Holocaust were either recruited into the IDF or at best pardoned and honoured, and their leader was elected to run the fucking country. That's the state of Israel for you.

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Yeah, the idea that Israel is a better state than the others there is largely propaganda and 'you can't describe the state accurately, because the nation involved is very traumatized and we have to respect their sensitive feelings'.

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some more description of the whole dynamic last evening, the way I assume most women and not-straight-guy-socialised queer men don't realise how they're frequently endorsing spontaneous physical violence against failed men, threat anxiety and adolescent trauma suppression (theirs), 'big dick energy', the obvious existence of misandry, cis woman privilege, class privilege, not being on the licit violence ladder privilege

It's quite calm as a piece, though I imagine it could be upsetting to read.

I sleep very deeply: it's difficult to wake me up. People have tried and failed. I once went to a summer camp for type 1 diabetics: apparently I was talking in my sleep enough that the other people in my cabin couldn't get to sleep themselves. They told me they'd tried hitting me to wake me up, and I'd started sleep-screaming but not woken. Those people bullied me pretty badly, because I was the most victimizable one in the dorm. That's one of the few times I was properly bullied, now that I think about it.

I will say, I really do consider it a 'seen as (cis woman)' privilege, the ignorance of how being seen as a failed man (or least-masculine-least-woman-liked man, anyway), means you're a licit target for violence by other men, to establish that they're not in that position. It's a dominance hierarchy: being the one who is the assigned failure is what is often meant by being 'gay', as used to be of a kind with homosexuality.

Relatedly, this usually doesn't happen when those seen as women are present, because that's not what you're supposed to do. Everyone knows, only a true villain would expose a lady to violence. I mean, many women (or 'women as a class, say it misgenderily a little) are smaller and on fewer masculinizing hormones, so it's a fair norm in some ways, but the downstream effects have been bad.

I mean, I doubt the people who were saying 'big dick energy isn't a bad concept to endorse' necessarily realised they were endorsing the violent assault of men who can't enact their gender role well enough, but they were. I also figure this is why highschool boys are so obsessed with not being 'gay', and why they use it so often as an insult or kind of harassment on videogame voicechat services.

I think this was a large part of why the four guys were so persistent in their harassment, too: I wasn't playing my part as a less-masculine-man (escalating to physical violence and losing), so they couldn't discharge their sense of inferiority-after-insult and adolescent assault trauma by assaulting me, which made them feel like they were on the losing side again, meaning they needed to keep trying socially and establishing with words and allies that *I* was the faggot in the interaction: they wouldn't feel safe otherwise.

There were two big mistakes I made in that interaction: I'd never met any of these people, and I didn't realise two of the people hanging around were friends of the main two hostiles. I was irritated by them, and accused them of being lazy and cowards for failing to engage in any way when I was being loomed over and threatened, which temporarily made the other two also start on the physical violence threats.

I was dressed weirdly, as well (and carrying a bag, as I often do, which is a medical bag and holds necessary items, but which is another 'this is a failman' indicator to most people). I'd been meaning to go and have 1-2 drinks and then return home, so I'd just throw on what was clean and nearby.

A fifth friend of theirs tried to explain that they weren't bad guys and in fact it was fine, and mentioned that he's bi himself. He gave me some cigarettes over the course of the interactions, as did several of the threatening people as I eventually managed to de-escalate them, aside from the one guy who as he was leaving loomed harder and made explicit threats to find and assault me somewhere in the neighbourhood, being that he is also local.

I was irritated by the woman involved, as well: I mean, I don't know that she could tell, but she kept escalating them back by engaging in a 'but why are you being mean to me?' way with the ones who weren't presently looming, which kept them agitated enough they kept returning to the 'regulate my gender and status feelings through violence' mood I'd been trying to take out of. I didn't do that *so* well, because it was very difficult to not insult them back myself, and my affect probably looked hostile-ish. That I wasn't so afraid I was collapsing and crying uncle during the intimidations probably also seemed queer and threatening to their safety model, too.

I do think having someone on security who couldn't quite speak good enough English to notice the dynamic the first several times was a poor hiring decision, esp. given when I spoke to the bartender they were like 'they made explicit threats of violence? that's enough to have them banned immediately'.

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Ah, I've just woken up, and I'm still shaking. I ordered a vegetarian burger and fries before I went to sleep and had no insulin for them, and I'm not hyperglycemic now. That's strange. Though perhaps I was metabolically demanding enough as I slept that the long-acting insulin as combined with the heart rate was enough.

That's happened a couple of times, or the inverse. It's been strange: like, when I was doing the 'throw magnesium pills at the walls, attempt to destroy ghosts and sporadically see render over vision a spectre of a former tenant's cat' thing last month, I also drank 6-8 mocktails, which I'd mixed up with something else and assumed were alcoholic and artificially sweetened. When I later checked, both of those were wrong, meaning I was doing so basal metabolism I took no insulin for 240g of sugar and didn't have my blood glucose rise. It's odd: I would not have expected that to happen, though that it's usually directionally true if you exert yourself. It's more... I didn't notice myself exerting that hard.

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On the inverse, several times now I've had the same foods and drinks over the day and woken up at either 7mmol/ml or in the 20s, with no idea what's precipitating it. Was I doing lots of glycogen release as I slept and had stressful dreams? I figure that's why, but it's not predictable beforehand.

I don't usually remember my dreams, or rather it's rare that I do. I very rarely have nightmares, though I have a different standard there than most, most likely.

(lots of abdomen twitching and jerking now, also)

So, I was in this concrete structure that was kind of like a block of classrooms in my high school, with several stories. It looked Christopher-Nolanesque. It was sinking into the open ocean, and I don't remember whether it was day or night, or if that detail existed.

There was a generator at the bottom I had to turn on, like a mission in the last of us (a sibling played through it, and later did a lot of the online multiplayer: I enjoyed the live let's play). I reached the water-surface and started to swim down, and managed to turn the thing on. Then, I started swimming back up, but I couldn't outpace the sinking of the building.

I swam up the flooded stairwell, and my breath started to give out: I accepted that I wouldn't make it to the surface, and shortly afterwards I woke up. I was a little discombobulated, but that I'd woken up and was alive had me going 'actually, no issues'. I only consider it a nightmare if I'm still affected emotionally after waking.

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Ah, I've just woken up, and I'm still shaking. I ordered a vegetarian burger and fries before I went to sleep and had no insulin for them, and I'm not hyperglycemic now. That's strange. Though perhaps I was metabolically demanding enough as I slept that the long-acting insulin as combined with the heart rate was enough.

That's happened a couple of times, or the inverse. It's been strange: like, when I was doing the 'throw magnesium pills at the walls, attempt to destroy ghosts and sporadically see render over vision a spectre of a former tenant's cat' thing last month, I also drank 6-8 mocktails, which I'd mixed up with something else and assumed were alcoholic and artificially sweetened. When I later checked, both of those were wrong, meaning I was doing so basal metabolism I took no insulin for 240g of sugar and didn't have my blood glucose rise. It's odd: I would not have expected that to happen, though that it's usually directionally true if you exert yourself. It's more... I didn't notice myself exerting that hard.

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the last two hours, this fucking country, local bar smoking areas, cowards wearing security uniformsz other kinds, misogyny (not-anti-trans-kind), violent threats, sexual harassment, 'true blue Aussie battlers', faggotry, accents, my childhood, contempt, literal shaking, 'the lucky country', why Australians are lucky there isn't a hell (what the majority clearly deserve), wrathfuldietyposting, intense shouting

I'm trying so very hard to not choose violence (with words: this is the third draft) here, at the moment. No-one on the internet's caused this: it was a local thing. I hate this fucking country sometimes, you know? It's easy: for example, 'the lucky country' was an insult, because the success isn't deserved, but most people are so complacent they think it's a compliment.

I also dislike how learning to speak English living on acreage in Jimboomba (so, pretty far out, though not in the interior) means I don't have the suburban accent, meaning I'm constantly accused of lying when I say I was born in the city I live in. Like, it'd be funny were it not so characteristic of the contemptible midwits swanning about thinking they deserve what they've received, that level of understanding being the ceiling for anyone who doesn't go somewhere that matters.

I was told I'd have my nose and jaw broken by a group of four dudes rotating through the smoking area: I didn't let them harass a woman sitting there with me without using my words to say it seemed not cool, so I had to spend a while sitting in the seat (if you're sitting, it's not dominant to punch you, whereas standing means you've agreed to fight, as a friend once told me and which has always been useful to know).

Now, I'm 5'4 and skinny, and I've been on HRT for about a year. I'm not winning that fight even 1-1. Of course, it's been an emotionally exhausting (in a good way) day, so I couldn't stop myself from describing them accurately: like I said to the other staff after the coward on 'security' did fuckall, the fucking pathetic cowards they were gave me extremely bad vibes, they'd pursued her to the smoking area there, and between us she was prettier and seemed more upset, so if one of us had to get our jaw broken the right choice was clearly me, because I could take it better, that being why I redirected them to me after security showed how fucking cowardly they were by appearing and doing fucking nothing as they surrounded her and tried to alpha dog by being so loud we couldn't keep talking. Of course, they understand the world to work by how not gay you are, and that I accurately told them to shut the fuck up and stop fucking chimping out like the fucking pathetic faggots they were (not in those words, but equivalently insulting) meant I needed to get my face caved in for being a foreign gay faggot (they aren't allowed in Australia, did you know? Such fonts of wisdom, like most of the people in this fucking country) as they repeatedly cycled through the smoking area to tell me, preventing me from getting the one staff member who isn't a fucking coward to do literally fucking anything at all about the repeated threats to jump me and break my face sometime later or right now (let's go cunt you fucking going me -them) for the temerity of preventing their harassment of someone actively trying to flee them.

They're great representatives of the upstanding moral character of the true blue fair dinkum Aussie battler, like most Australians are, a dumbcunt born with a silver spoon in their mouth who goons about being Paul Bunyan because they're too fucking stupid to grasp how they deserve fucking none of what they have. 'The lucky country' is an insult if you're not a midwit, but any not so afflicted go somewhere that isn't infested with these fucking vermin who swan about like they're so fucking hard. You know, outnumbering a faggot 4-1 and individually outweighing such 2-1 is what your typical Australian believes is a fair fight, because they're so fucking stupid they think their gooning about being UBERBIGCOCKBDE bushmen isn't so fucking obviously pathetic to anyone not fucking fried by the narcissism the national culture calls 'Aussie Pride'. You could burn this fucking city to the ground and kill most inside and I'd be like 'fucking finally, GG, praise be to fate for justice finally occuring, it's not like it's ever happened before, I was starting to lose hope that that was even possible': it's not like they don't fucking obviously deserve to not be able to die screaming for several thousand years in fire for the most part, so that they would get to die quick-ish as their flesh boils off is actually pretty merciful, really. They should all be so fucking glad there isn't a hell they can go to. Many such cases.

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Peter Watts produces great prose. The idea that he doesn't is a product of the kind of idiot who cucks themself by getting an MFA disliking how Blindsight was popular on Reddit and figuring they can pretend like they're able to tell the difference to said Redditors.

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Similarly; if you're a lawyer, you're great at using state violence to enforce your will. Of course, for the reputation to get so bad, these people would also have to go on about how they're amoral monsters, so it 's lucky so many are so honest. How else would those poor unfortunate morons who didn't minmax their shiny and special souls (it's not like just anyone can pass the bar exam, after all: the language is deliberately obscure, so the cucks who spend years on a program that definitely won't get them a job, because every other wordcel had the same idea): relatedly, philosophy majors have higher post-bachelors incomes than most, because your IQ needs to be, like, biggus-brainus-ful in energy to give a shit about the topic, even if it's not practical in a direct sense.

It's relevant! Teachin:

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culture jamming works, btw. a friend pulled off a great piece on rideshare scooters a while back