Partially inspired by the excellent thread about words for those in the struggle, I want to address something I haven't seen talked about in concrete terms. I'm 100% open to discussions and opinions on this, but here's something from my observations.
Emotional blackmail. The handy tool in the arsenal of a controlling and often narcissistic parent.
What is it?
In the case of this sub, it's where a parent tries to get their desired outcome via playing the heartstrings of their children. Whether this is manifested by them via extreme disappointment for not doing exactly what they wanted, extreme disappointment for not being able to meet their impossible expectations, extreme accusations that you don't love them (or actively hate them), or even threats of (their) self-harm.
What does this stem from?
Guilt. It's a powerful mechanism -- not just limited to asian parents, but even to religions as well. And while this isn't about religion, the mechanism of garnering your parent's approval is most likely highly ingrained in you if you frequent this sub and/or relate to the stories.
In a normal, loving parent/child relationship, I think it's pretty natural for most kids to look up to their parents and to want to do well by them. However, I think this very often gets highly perverted with asian parents. I don't know if this is as common as I think it is, but it seems like many asian parents pervert this idea into something more like: "if you don't do what I want you to do, you obviously don't love me." You start to develop an overwhelming guilt when you're not abiding by your parent's wishes.
When you're raised to have a dampened notion of self-worth, and a heightened notion that you need to do well by your parents in order to do anything good in life, you're very likely trapped in the cycle of guilt and emotional blackmail.
What can I do?
Well, there's no silver bullet.
The first step though, is being aware that all of this is a thing. If you weren't aware of this before, you have now been given a lens that you can look at your past fights/interactions with your parents with. The more you look at these interactions from a "am I / was I being guilted" point a view, the better you'll be at recognizing it real time. Furthermore, practice distilling the message from the guilt. What do they want from you and why? Never mind the emotional content -- are they pushing you into a specific career so that you don't have to, say, do physical labor to make ends meet? It's not a bad sentiment in it's own right, but the delivery can often be brutal to your psyche. Learn to separate the wheat from the chaff and see if there's anything worth keeping after. This way you can start to protect your emotional sanity without doing the "shut yourself out from the world" kind of thing.
The next step is understanding that, your life is not about them. They might push you to do what they want to you to do, or want to brag about the stuff you did, or guilt you by saying so-and-so is going to some prestigious college, or whatever thing that might make you feel bad and/or less confident in yourself. It hurts, no doubt, hearing that kind of crap, but you should use that hurt to realize that you may be tacitly accepting their opinions about yourself. I don't think seeking your parent's approval is explicitly a bad thing, but you should not be living for your parents. You are an individual with wants and needs. Your opinion matters. This isn't a cry to outright rebel, but it is definitely a call to not let your feelings and thoughts get steamrolled.
Next, plan. Everyone's situation is different. Some people are 100% financially dependent on their parents and may be subject to not even the emotional part of that kind of coercion and more the "you'll be homeless if you don't do what we want you to do" kind of coercion. Some are financially independent and just need a nudge to stand up more for themselves. Whatever the case, start planning.
If you have to wait, don't leave matters until college or some other milestone -- look at scholarships, employment, and more to see if you can start edging away from your parent's control. Start thinking about where you might want to live, what it would cost to live there, and more. I don't encourage anyone to run away from home, or to do anything rash, I just want to encourage people to direct their frustrations into something more productive (like planning). Sometimes you have to play the longer game in order to come out with an outcome you're okay with in the end.
Either way, only you will have any kind of idea of how your parent's will react. Some parents will fold because you call their bluff. Some parents will go off the deep end. Some will be mad and eventually see reason. Whatever the case, I'd make sure you have some/all of your ducks in a row before you commit to that action because theres very likely no going back.
Last, act. When the time/situation is appropriate, act. Take your life and very importantly, your emotions, into your own hands. There's no need to rush this though. Often times, I feel that being aware of what's going on, and being able to separate the wheat from the chaff are tools that help you cope with a crappy situation until you're in a better position to act. But I encourage you to act. You are not a puppet for your parents to control your whole life.
Final thoughts
I don't want this to come off as a doom and gloom type post or something that gives you yet another thing to worry about. I just want to you to be aware of this phenomenon if you weren't already, and now that you know, you can do something about it.
I also don't want to give the impression that every asian parent out there is bad, mean, and/or unreasonable. I have a very good relationship with my parents now but that was the product of a lot of tears, arguments, frustrations, silent periods, and more -- both with myself and them, alongside my siblings and them. At the end of the day, despite their failings as parents, I know they really and truly care about their children -- it might not manifest in the most positive ways all the time, but I know they are trying.
Ultimately, I just want to reiterate that everyone's situation is different. If your parents really aren't that bad about it, don't make mountains out of molehills -- even great parents aren't perfect and aren't always aware of what they're doing or how it'll affect their children. On the flip side, if it really is that bad, don't be afraid to see things as they are. Don't shy away from the truth -- that's all I can really encourage you to do.
I'm sorry if any of this is too preachy or overly opinionated -- I'm definitely interested in what people think and have to say.
areudirty
annaxmalina
origamiaround
andulkaphoto
2087
yousharknotpass
izzy806
jacobvanloon