A letter to a place it can not reach.
It's actually bizarre that 3 years ago today was the last time I heard your voice. Little did I know that it would be the last time and that the next day you would be gone. It's so sad that I never got to tell you how much you meant to me one last time. Never again did I say I love you and never again did I get one of your hugs that felt like nothing else in this whole world.
You were the strongest woman in my whole universe, shortly followed by my mum of course. It is so hard to know you lost an uphill battle and you closed your eyes for the very last time and joined Opa in what I hope is a happy forever for you.
I miss you so much it hurts. Whoever says that time is a healer is a liar. You just get used to the missing presence that there is but never ever again will my world be the same. I miss your little anecdotes, your loving nature and the way you put everyone above yourself even if it meant that you weren't happy. I miss your meddling and your constant will for a family unit. It terrifies me that you know exactly what has happened and that that isn't the case anymore. I do hope that you understand what has happened. I miss your smell and the feeling of home when we were with you. I just miss you so much that even three years on I can hardly breath when I think about losing you. I'm scared that your voice in my memories is fading. Slightly out and not quite the way it actually sounded. To be honest, I am scared that all of the memories from you will eventually fade!
I thought I would write a letter to fully get down my thoughts and feelings because I don't know how else to tell you everything that I am feeling and to tell you everything that's been going on. I know you won't see it but I just want you to know everything.
So firstly biggest news I guess is that I have had a baby! You would have loved him. Everything about him is so perfect and when I look at him I just melt. You would have too. You would have been the greatest great grandmother that my Teddy could have ever asked for. It hurts that you two will not ever meet but I promise you I will tell him all about you and it will be as if he knew you better than I do. I promise he will know how kind you were, how much you would have loved him and how he would have made you so proud and so damn happy. I'm sorry I didn't do this three years earlier. I'm sorry you didn't get to meet him.
Other than that nothing much has changed. Being a mum to Teddy takes up all of my time but you'll be pleased to know I'll be heading back to uni next year. I have finally decided what I want to do, who I want to be and I am going to follow that with a passion and complete my dreams. Not only to make you and Opa proud but to make Teddy proud to be my son.
The past three years have flown by and not much has changed. Apart from the obvious loss of you life is pretty similar. Mum's really struggling with you not being here. She would never admit it but we all know. I hope one day she finally gets some peace and happiness that she deserves.
To be honest, that's it. Nothing else can be added since I wrote to you last year. I hope that some days you are by my side with Opa aiding me to make the best decisions. I hope you can see everything I have become. I hope you understand how much we all love and miss you. You were one in a million. We all miss you like an ache you cannot fix. I love you so much it hurts.
titsay
gummygunk
2087
discoholicmusic
