Always trying to find myself, always getting lost

Hey it counts if I am trying though

[trying1moretime]

Tones and tunes

The room is filled with sounds

that hang around

and float between my thoughts

listening to you create

listening to your peace

the sounds are free

chasing memories and living

from moment to moment

watching the sunlight

take flight into the wind

to come back around to you again

[moominirl]

[moominirl]

[herpsandbirds]

American Toad (Anaxyrus americanus), family Bufonidae, Pennsylvania, USA

photograph by Nathan Jordan

[moominirl]

[inertblue]

my friend told me it was fat bear week!!!

[blackvelvetofnight]

okay but fr I think it's so sad that so many people are taught (usually indirectly) to be fearful of or hate bugs. that there is a little critter, a silly thing, a little animal. it is so so different from us but we get to look at it and think about its tiny world! I think that's real neat

[trying1moretime]

What is it like

What is it like to feel at home?

To feel less when you're alone?

What is it like to appreciate the unknown?

Give me back my life with the throne.

I can sit and wonder for years.

I can cry and cry and release many tears.

But nothing will ever compare

to where

We sat awaiting our fears

[accidentalslayer-deactivated202]

[hwhwgwhnwnwbwbwg-deactivated202]

Haruki Marukami

[trying1moretime]

Looking out the door for something to see

I like to feel the life seep back into me

The moon, the moss, the trees

The tires that are lost in the sea

of woods surrounding the house

I like to keep an eye out for even a wild mouse

I love when the deer and the hawks let themselves be shown

I love when I see the smallest pine cones

When the leaves start to change their color,

when the deer frolic with their mother

Living in the middle of trees

was something that was definitely meant for me.

[trying1moretime]

Faces

Let's face what makes you itch.

I have a story to tell and I don't share it very well.

I have a past that created a bitch.

I lost myself along the way,

and I'm searching while I pray.

I want to feel whole again,

I want to take back my sin.

I hold guilt and envy for those around me.

I made it out alive.

You see, I was once abused.

I was once, beaten and abused.

And left to face the truth,

of who I thought was my knight in shining armor,

was the devil disguised to harm her.

I loved a man who sold his soul.

I loved a man who had no shame in his eyes.

I loved a man who had the devil disguised.

I lost my trust, my lust and my passion.

I lost myself, I started crashing.

I sat for hours, then days, then weeks.

I tried to not repeat.

The mistake that lead us to your death,

the mistakes that caused me to loose my breath,

I didn't even say goodbye.

I was able to look at your body one last time,

and I think I even regret that.

Faces.

Memories, Im great at pacing

I didn't know the devil was telling you to go.

I didn't know we wouldn't ever see the snow,

in the mountains we dreamed of,

changing our life and trying to change.

But you left and I had to arrange

The funeral of the man who took his life

Face it, when will I be able to face myself in the mirror

and see the girl I always thought I knew.

Ive lost her too

[trying1moretime]

Escaping

I write to clear my head.

I sit in my head without thinking and the thoughts don't process.

I hold onto fear and triggers and it physically affects me.

I feel my chest get tight.

I feel not right.

I am unsettled very easy.

I don't need to escape this world.

I see the beauty.

I feel sometimes I need to escape this body.

I feel this pain.

I feel the pain of the past, the current moment.

I feel the currents, in the moment,

shocking my core.

I feel sore.

I feel the pain in my teeth through my toes.

I don't want to chase the woes.

Our body is a temple, treat is as such.

Because without it,

we are nothing much.

More than a painful excuse.

painful truth.

[trying1moretime]

Fishing for flattery,

trust me I'm happy

Looking for some meaning

into my feelings

you see they've been coped up,

hiding behind my own skin

waiting to be let out again

chasing happiness,

avoiding sadness

when do I find balance

life is pure bliss

bliss is fine

when you have the dime

to afford the time

to take to yourself

moments come

and moments go

I don't know where to begin

in the sun or the snow

you see I don't know the real me

I've been masking all along

coming undone and learning to love

myself

it's a hard process

and I am willing to learn

because my heart is

beginning to yearn

for something worth while

to my soul and smile

[trying1moretime]

Workaholic

I wanted to be the cute stay at home mom schooling mom.

It's what their father and I dreamed of

Raising chickens and living off grid

It's what dreams were made of

But he passed away

Chose to end his life

Taking my soul along with him

I tried my best to keep up the fight

Learning to float and swim

Instead of drowning like I thought I would

I began to tread the water

I moved from the coast and became what I could

Mother and father

I tried to keep up the fairy tale I always longed for

But truth be told,

I really was not too sure

Where to go next and how to cope

After all, I just learned to float

So I take my time,

one breath, one wine

Giving myself the grace

that I pass on to everyone else

[perfectfeelings]

“Two souls are sometimes created together and in love before they’re even born.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald; The Beautiful and Damned

[trying1moretime]

Weightloss.

I was able to go from 220 to 143 with major handwork. I was also able to go from 143 to 160 with getting a job. I need to find the happy medium and I can't stop thinking about that but also like I am still super proud of myself.