Yeah, yeah she supposed that's what she was about at this point. It always was. That wasn't the intention when she first started, when she was still alive, but that's the kind of path she set herself on making the decisions that she did. Is that all what was going on, though? Sayaka still couldn't wrap her mind around all of it. She did it, sure--she made the conscious decision. But she didn't know what was happening because of it. She knew, but she didn't.
But it did feel like she was abandoning herself. She didn't like the thought. Once upon a time, maybe she would have liked that idea. When she was on the edge of despair, feeling like she had lost everything she stood for, maybe abandoning herself would have been a godsend. Maybe she still had those moments even now, when she was supposed to have learned better in her afterlife. When she was supposed to be stronger and better than she was before.
Her soul is still that of a human. She was still, a human, in some way. She had flaws.
Still, she didn't want to abandon herself. She didn't want anyone to abandon her. She didn't want to be left behind like that. She didn't want her memories to be forgotten in favor of someone else's. That was an entire lifetime that would just be lost to the void, wasn't it? The people that she cared for and the people that she knew...if their memories were lost, they might as well be lost as well.
It was horrifying. She didn't want that for them. She didn't want that for herself.
But she's thinking too hard again. She doesn't really know what's going on with the strange presence here with her, but she could feel a strain in her mind lessening slowly. Something in her, aware of some distant kind of manipulation, but powerless to really fight against the feeling of weariness that reminded her of just how tired she was, sitting here running herself ragged. She hears that voice again, coaxing her to sleep. Honestly, she didn't need to sleep normally. But she had to do it so much lately. It scared her a little bit. What if she didn't wake up again? What if she woke up, and a decade's gone by, like before? What if something else happens to her while she's not in control?
Her arms lay on her desk as her head lowers onto them, the energy she had to write that entry earlier gone. All of her energy gone, like always. She wavered somewhere between comforted by the influence exerted on her, and wary of the idea of letting go of her consciousness once again.
"...you won't?" She isn't sure why she's comforted by that idea. She isn't even sure what kind of company she's speaking to. But the words invite a pathetic sense of loneliness in her bones. She's scared of falling asleep so much, of doing it again, right now. But she needed to so badly...this company that felt so strange yet distantly familiar...she wanted them to mean that so much that she felt like a child, admitting it. "...I'd like to properly speak to you. Even...even if it's not after I wake up. But at least...I would like it if you stayed with me for a bit. Please..."
Of course, even as she pleads a little bit, maybe needlessly, she feels herself falling asleep, whether she gets a response or not.
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