Tsurayu

A place for the man named Tsurayu. Streamer of games on Twitch and video game journalist for Geimaku. Yep. This is what happens on my "downtime". Hope you find it interesting.

[tsurayu]

He Lives?!

Yep. I live. 

Lots of stuff happened. Got an "actual" job, so I don't really have time to write for Geimaku anymore, so that's no longer a thing - at least for now. Also, got hopelessly addicted to Final Fantasy: A Realm Reborn during the hours that I wasn't working or sleeping. Not to mention, now the girlfriend has gotten me back into Pokemon, which I've been pretty much shunning since the Fourth Generation... so yeah, that's a thing. 

Anyway, where do I go from here on this blog? Well, uh... hm... not really sure. 

I guess I'll start with where I left off. 

*reads*

Oh dear, the "space" thing. Yeah, that was stemming from an uncomfortable time between my girlfriend and myself around this time last year. While that is in the past, it still feels a bit unsettling to think back to, so I think I'll just leave it at that. We're good now, and that's all that matters. 

Let's see, the job... I'm a Donation Attendant at Goodwill. Meh, it's a job. I both like it and hate it, but isn't that par for the course with everyone's job? Though, after being that for over six months and the initial idea of "OMG, I HAZ JOB!" has worn off, I do tend to notice the things about Goodwill that irritate the ever loving piss out of me, but again, I think most people get that way. I'm sure I'll get into the details of that in the future. 

And with that last sentence, yeah, I figured I'd come back here. Do a bit of what I used to do, and perhaps a bit more. I did like to come here and rant and blow off some steam while trying to show off my creative side here and there, so I figured I'll give it another go around. 

So... yeah. I think that's about all I have for now. 

[tsurayu]

Why I fear "Space". Part 3

Am I trying to justify my actions over the last several years of my life when it comes to my past relationships? No. 

But rather to admit I have major insecurities because I tend to imprint my bad experiences into current and future relationships. It's not fair of me at all to do. 

I'm just so marred by the mistakes I have made in my past - and being afraid of the word "space" is a convenient outlet for those emotions. 

Scared doesn't even come close to describing how it makes me feel. I instantly cringe every time I hear the word. I start sweating... shaking... I even feel sometimes as though I want to vomit. I literally induce sickness upon myself because of how scared I become!

But the worst part of it is, I induce the problems that can occur when someone says they need space because of the very need for space. I have realized for some time that when someone needs space, it often isn't a sign that anything is wrong in my relationship with them, but my fears start to take over and I create the problem(s) in my mind and manifest them into my relationship causing the very thing I fear the most!

How fucked up is that?! Seriously. 

I know what I need to do - relax. Don't assume everything is my fault, and that even if I am the cause of said space, that it doesn't instantly mean everything is over. It means that I need to take this said space by the horns. Use it to my advantage. Use this "space" too. Realize that I have my own insecurities, admit to them, and work on fixing them. 

I like to think I've been doing a better job over the last year-and-a-half, but I'm realizing my progress is slower than I wanted to admit to myself. So to those concerning: no more texts, no more phone calls, no more Facebook messages, no more blaming myself, no more pretending there are things that aren't really there. 

It has to stop. And I'm sorry. 

[tsurayu]

Why I fear "Space". Part 2

Fast forward to January of 2012. 

I met this girl, online again, after swearing off internet relationships for over seven years. It was during one of my Twitch streams. She came by and instantly we hit it off and were friends. 

To be fair, I ignited the flame. I found myself crushing on her after only having a couple of voice conversations on Skype. I was testing the waters a bit, being slightly flirty in my friendly demeanor. She picked up on it, didn't quickly stop my advances, but casually brought up her boyfriend. I was a bit shocked, but I appreciated the manner in which she went about it. She didn't crush my feelings, she didn't lead me on, she just politely dropped it into the conversation to let me know "Hey, this isn't going to happen." 

So, with that I stopped and things went back to two people quickly becoming friends, or so I thought. Literally only a few days later, she started being flirty with me. I should have said something then, but for whatever stupid reason, I didn't. I returned her flirting...

Next day, things were a little awkward until she brought up her boyfriend again. I'm just sitting there, being quiet, not sure at all what to say. She brought up that things between her and him and been falling apart for months. That she didn't love him anymore, but felt tied to him because all of her belongings were with him. That she couldn't rid herself of him until she was able to fully move all of her stuff and escape him. Then she said something that surprised me: 

"I know this isn't fair to you, but while I work things out with him, and move all of my stuff here with me, is it okay if I consider myself your girlfriend? I've fallen in love with you."

Instantly I should have thought of all of the technicalities a relationship with her would cause - she hadn't broken up with him yet, just was going to get around to it, she lives in another country, we've known each other for inside of two weeks, etc...

But no, I was so excited that I did nothing more than say it was okay, and that I loved her too. 

Five guesses how long this relationship lasted on such terrible pretenses; if you guessed a month you actually should be correct, but somehow it lasted until the end of March. 

On the second day of April she told me that she wasn't feeling well, and wanted to be left alone for a few days to recover. I was disappointed, but sure. People often don't like to interact with others when they are sick, or they are afraid their inevitable, irritable, attitude will rub off and cause a problem with someone when they never intended it. 

Fast forward about a week, and no word from her. She won't sign in on Skype, she won't come to my stream, she isn't streaming herself, she won't answer on Facebook either... I'm getting extremely worried at this point, so I send her an e-mail... nothing. Next day I go watch my friend's stream to help relax my nerves a bit, lo and behold I see her in the chat. First thing I say: 

Hey, what's wrong? Haven't seen you in awhile. Are you feeling better?"

Seems normal enough right? Well, apparently it wasn't. I could feel the hostility behind her words:

"Tray. Can we not talk about this right now? I fucking feel terrible and I don't need you nagging me right now [...] You know what? Forget it. I'm going to sign off. I can't deal with this crap right now."

In an action that was probably to goad me into making the situation worse so she could use it as a scapegoat in our relationship in hindsight, after saying all of that she signed onto Skype - tempting me to come to her. 

What did I do? Pfft, as if I even have to tell you. I IM'd her. For a few minutes she didn't answer me, but finally she did, seemingly calmly.

"Sorry. I didn't meant to blow up at you like that. I just don't feel that well, physically or emotionally. I just need a little bit of space." She said. 

Oh great, there is that word again... I thought. Harkening back to how that word had already scarred me.

But whatever, people need space sometimes, I told myself. However, I didn't quite follow through on it like I should have. A few days to a week would go by and I would send her an e-mail. First to just see how she was. She'd say she was fine, but with a bit of hostility in the way she presented herself... another week goes by, I send another. This time, things are getting a bit messy. 

"Tray. What part of space do you not understand? I feel fine okay! When I said I needed space I meant from not just my stupid soon-to-be ex-boyfriend but from you, too! Do I really have to spell that out to you?! I come home, finally feeling relaxed. But no, I check my e-mail and who should e-mail me? Why it's Tray Johnson the nagging boyfriend who won't leave me the fuck alone for more than a few days!"

I'm hurt, and pissed at the same time, but realize she had a point. I had become so scared of space, of it leading to rejection that I was causing her to reject me by pushing myself on her. So another week goes by, when I have a realization - why does she need this space from me, too? What did I do?

Well, you can guess where this went. I e-mailed her again. This time not just apologizing, probably for the third or fourth time, but also confronting her on my newfound realization. Well.. that turned to shit in an instant. 

Basically it turned in a shit storm. She asked me if I wanted to break up with her, because of the way I was acting it was either obvious that I wanted us to break up or I was really that dense into thinking that I was making her so angry at me that it wasn't going to be the eventual outcome.

I said I didn't want to, but I wanted her to explain to me what I had been doing wrong. Finally it just snapped. 

She told me that I could have just had the patience to wait a few weeks and she would have told me, but then suddenly she stopped in mid-sentence. I realized then, there was more to this than I thought. She continued to try to push all of the blame on the situation on to me, but eventually I kept pushing to the point I made her admit what was the core of the issue - she wasn't willing to break up with her boyfriend. 

That for all of the terrible things he had said and done to her over the last several months, that he was also gentle, kind and loved her very much. She just couldn't bring herself to leave him. At her weakest, she mustered up and shifted the blame back to me. 

"It's your fault! You keep pushing me! We've known each other for only a few months and you already talk about how much you care about me! How much you'd like to come see me! How you'd like to see where our future leads to! It's too fast! I can't even handle this jerk's (referring to her "technical" boyfriend) crap nevertheless yours! Just leave me the fuck alone already! We're done, and if you think I'm going to change my mind, or that we could go to just being friends you are wrong! I never want to hear from you again!"

Well, for once, I actually stopped e-mailing her. That was essentially the last I ever heard from her. I was devastated. 

----------------------------------------------------

Can everyone see why "space" scares me so much? I've grown up feeling like that no matter what I do, I fuck up. I take a relationship too slow, I somehow don't care. I take it too fast, and suddenly I'm pushing myself onto someone.

Is there a middle ground? Of course there is. Is it my fault for not realizing where it is? Yes! I know it is! But fuck, that doesn't mean that I'm not still terrified every time either a friend or significant other says they need space.

I just get scared. I worry that if I give too much space a person will think I don't care about them anymore. Likewise I worry about not giving them enough and making them resent me for not trusting them. 

Anyway, those were longer stories than I thought, hence breaking them up. I just found myself wanting to get that off of my chest for quite some time now. Feels good.

[tsurayu]

Why I fear "Space". Part 1

I never did think that there was anything wrong with initial phrase - I need space. Sometimes, even without any intention to cause harm to another, you need space from someone because of something in your life or even because of insecurities. 

However, ever since I was a teenager the phrase "I need space" has terrified me so much. I instantly lose all of my confidence and start to rationalize the most insane things in my head to compensate for my insecurities when I hear it. 

You see, there has only been two people in the past who have told me they needed me to give them space. 

Once when I was seventeen I was dating this girl for two years. It was my first online relationship, and things seemed to be going well. It had even gotten to a point that I had talked with her parents, and her mine. And given we were young teenagers, that was quite the accomplishment in a long-distance relationship. But suddenly things soured around Christmas of 2004. 

We were sending each other Christmas presents when suddenly she had this sudden urge to stop me from sending her a gift. At the immediate time I thought it was just that she was shy, and didn't want us to have to feel we had to get each other presents for birthdays and holidays, but something in the back of my mind bothered me about the way she went about it. I didn't realize at the time I was right. 

Fast forward a couple of months to Valentine's Day. Not a whole lot had happened except that she had brought up this guy at her school named Jean. Being an insecure teenager, especially in a long-distance relationship, I worried about what this Jean meant to her. However, she reassured me he was nothing but a good friend back in January.

Well, back to V-Day, I got a call from her. She sounded very distant, even a bit tense with me on the phone. We talked for a bit, I tried to break the tension so the conversation would be a normal one we had every day, but she wouldn't budge. She kept getting distracted, tripping and mumbling over her own words, sighed every time I tried to bring her attention back to me. FInally I asked what was wrong, with ver labored breath, somehow I knew before she spoke a word, what she was going to say. 

"It's nothing. I'll tell you tomorrow." She told me. 

At this point I knew. "No. You are going to tell me right now." I said fairly angrily. 

"I can't on Valentine's Day." She replied flatly. 

"All the more reason to tell me." I said back. My heart sinking.

"I think we should break up." 

She said it in just the driest, coldest manner possible. I wasn't angry, I wasn't upset, sad... anything. Her cold demeanor got to me and I fell in line. I was asking why she felt we needed to do this, but suddenly hung up on me.

I found myself with no urge to call her right back. I remember hanging up the phone and going to my room, in a daze. Nearly a week later she signed on AIM and started talking to me. Her entire demeanor changed, to one of anger and annoyance. She told me I was incapable of giving her space. That things and been falling apart for us since before Christmas, and that I was dense that I didn't realize it sooner, that if I did I could have saved our relationship. I thought back to December and realized - that's when she met Jean. 

After realizing what she said to me about Christmas, I instantly through Jean into the conversation. She tried to tell me that he wasn't the real problem, that it was me - that I was taking our relationship too casually. That in two years I had made no effort to come be with her, and she was fed up with my indecision. While I was terribly angry and throwing accusations of cheating at her, I took what she said to heart for years to come. 

We didn't really have an "official" break up, but an understood one on that day. It wasn't until a few weeks later that it really set in with a confession on her part. 

"Remember how I was late to call you on your birthday last year?" She said. (For the record, my birthday is December 22). 

"Yes." I said cooly. We were talking, but I was at no point ready to go back to "being friends". 

"Well, now that things are over between us and calmer, I wanted you to know the truth. I was late because I was having sex with Jean."

A whole rush of feelings came over me. Sex? She was only fifteen at the time! Sex? You had only known him for like two weeks at the time! Sex? You gave your virginity to this man after everything we have been through! Sex? How could you do that to me on my birthday, of all days...

I didn't even have the energy to fight her anymore. I gave up. I blocked her contact information and shut off AIM; we didn't speak for nearly three years. 

Space. She wanted me to give her space, but at the same time it was my desire to keep our relationship slow, on the steady, that caused this? I realized years later it was both of our faults, not squarely mine, but I took that to heart. Sort of wish I didn't several years later.

[tsurayu]

New Let's Play! - Golden Sun: The Lost Age

Yep. Starting a run of Golden Sun 2 tomorrow. Open to any ideas for the next Let's Play though. 

[tsurayu]

My new "Offline" image for my stream. Kinda cluttered, yet for some reason I like it? Weird, I usually hate it when it's overly cluttered. Watch me hate it after a night's sleep. :P

[tsurayu]

New stream picture! Wanted to create a new one after a bit of a hiatus, and I think this one is much better. More diverse characters and games, previous one was a bit too closed-circle. 

[tsurayu]

Embarrassing Moments #1

Thought I'd start another series here, while I go back to picking back up GMG later today or tomorrow.

So, yeah, embarrassing stories. Those are usually fun though, right? Those moments years ago you thought you'd die over and would totally NEVER tell anyone about - then years later you think about them and just laugh and think what was the big deal? Yeah, those. Let's try that. :3

So this one happened about eight years ago or so. I was talking with a good friend of mine on Trillian (yeah, remember when we all used that instead of Skype?). We were good buddies on this website together we frequented, but realistically we were very different. 

She grew up in a fairly staunch Christian household, so didn't really have any concept of sexual stuff, nevertheless like pornography or even better - hentai. 

So, I'm sending her a bunch of files for some project we were working on. For the life of me, I can't remember what I was supposed to be sending her anymore, but I was just copy-pasting files from the internet and showing her. Well, I was kinda... browsing hentai at the same time I was talking with her. Yeah, couldn't contain my pervyness back then. Totally different now, right? :P

Anyway, you can see where this is going. Copy-pasted this really like... uncensored, hardcore hentai picture instead of the image I meant to send her. Sent it to her, and I didn't realize until a couple moments later when I got a response from her of "... what is that? Is that supposed to be funny?" 

I remember being really embarrassed. I apologized, but things were awkward between us for the next few days after that. I don't think she ever did treat me the same after that. Hmm, wonder if it contributed to us ending our friendship a couple of months after that happened. ^_^;;

[tsurayu]

Touching is a No-No!

Wait wut? 

But seriously, I've come to realize after a recent conversation with a friend, how much I dislike touching and touchy-feely people by extension. 

I feel that touching is a very personal thing done mostly with loved ones, particularly romantic ones. 

Now that doesn't mean I don't think you're allowed to kiss your parents, or hug them; nor does it mean you can't high-five or handshake random people. However, as a general rule of them, I think touching is something best left to loved ones. 

Particular case in point, stomach. My belly is a big no-no. I don't want to teasingly be touched, tickled, poked or proded. My stomach is for me, and my girlfriend. Just... yeah... touching for me is very personal and very much a flirty, romantic thing, possibly even leading up to a foreplay setting. 

I suppose there is one particular exception - hugging. I will hug a very close friend, but only a very close friend. Hugging, to me, would be my ultimate sign of trust in a good, close friend. 

So, yeah...

[tsurayu]

Nice to be in Love. <3

So yeah, not a lot of Tumblr posts, or streaming, lately. 

Been hanging out with my girlfriend every day/night lately. It has been really nice. At first I was a little worried I was rushing things, but we really enjoy each other's company and really love each other. I forgot how amazing it feels to love and be loved back unconditionally. :3

It is a good feeling to say to someone "I would do anything for you" and not have it be a hammed, papier-mâché, line. When I say it to her I really mean it. And I know she would do the same for me. 

Up until recently, the last several months of my life have been chaotic. There were good days, and there were bad, but as it drew more and more into recent times, the bad days were outshining the good. 

But now things are looking brighter again. I haven't had a bad day since I started going out with my girlfriend. I feel more fulfilled now, even when I just sit there and talk with her for hours on end without really doing anything else with my day. A feeling I haven't felt in a very long time. 

Though with that said, that is also part of my absence from streaming, Tumblr, and essentially the internet in general. When I'm not spending time with her, I'm out job hunting in the field or slaving away at application documents on the internet. She has given me a push in the right direction, a refocus on what I need to be doing - my life. Getting a job, getting a car, and going to see her and see where life takes us from there. 

For the first time, in really a few years, I feel like I'm going somewhere again, and it's all because I love her so much. 

[tsurayu]

Not enough hours in the day...

I never thought I would say this outside of full-time employment, but I'm starting to feel like there aren't enough hours in the day lately. 

Between streaming four hours a night, hanging out with my girlfriend, hanging out with my other friends, chores around the house... I'm starting to feel spread a bit thin for once. Little time to just sit around and relax like I used to except late at night. 

This may sound... odd, but I'd like to start conditioning my body to sleep less. I love my sleep, a bit too much perhaps. On average, I sleep about eight or nine hours a night. Given that I'm in my mid-twenties that is still a bit high. However, given how much I used to sleep as a kid (like +10 hours were very common) it's a heck of an improvement. But, I'd like to try to condition my body to sleeping only six hours a night, and feel like that is a fullfilled night of sleep without affecting my physical and mental state throughout the day. 

I'd like to start going to bed earlier. Since I'm moving my Xillia stream to 8PM anyway, I think it'd be nice to think about going to bed at like one or two in the morning, and getting up at around eight. 

This all sounds so easy on paper, but I know it won't be. ^_^;;

[tsurayu]

Wee! Tales of Xillia CE! <3

So yep, picked up my pre-order of the Tales of Xillia Collector's Edition when I got up. Had a bit of a hassle though. Apparently Gamestop has my old phone number still, despite the fact I've done business with them twice since I got my new phone and at least once gave them my new number. So they guy wouldn't confirm my pre-order until another employee was like "It's fine." and asked for my full name and zip code for verification instead.

So yeah, pictures! Sorry that the second picture is so bad. Lighting is terrible in my room, but even considering that, the picture was still bad and no matter how many times I took it, it was always blurry. But the following shots are in better quality, at least. 

So yeah! Super excited. X3

Know what I'm streaming through the night. 

[tsurayu]

Multiple Twitch Teams

Incoming Twitch Rant!

I don't know why I feel like disclosing this still, given I've made it clear that my Tumblr is many things, one of them is for my rants that some people got upset at me over on Twitter. So yeah, this is a rant. Don't wanna hear it? Well, there you go. Don't say I didn't tell you. 

Anyway, multiple Twitch teams. I'm sorry, but people should not be allowed to be on multiple Twitch teams. I feel bad being on two, and even do this day there isn't a week that doesn't go by where I consider leaving one or the other because it isn't possible for me to give equal love for both teams. 

Yet, there are some assholes who are on like three... four... or even five Twitch teams. Funny thing is, those people are always Partners and/or Subscribers. I'm sorry, but it is not possible for ANY of those people to actually "share the love" between all of those teams. All they are doing is being greedy, selfish pricks trying to be as part of as many big teams as they can to increase their viewership count with less effort. 

I try not to let the things other streamers do bother me, because face it, it happens. There will always be a person, or group of people who say or do something that you really dislike. It's the price you pay for a community so big and diverse as Twitch. However, I admit I let this multiple Twitch team bother me more than it should. I just see people on half a dozen teams and I know that there is no way they are capable of spreading their times and efforts so thin. 

And if you aren't doing that, what are you doing? You are taking advantage of another team's community to bolster your own viewership. To me it's a give and take. You give the team part of your time, devotion and community and in turn the team does the same for you. However, if you are part of multiple teams you are unavoidably taking advantage of one or more teams and giving nothing back to them. That's being a selfish prick. 

[tsurayu]

At least I'm proud... oops.

"And I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free..."

Oh... wait... right...

[tsurayu]

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears? #7

Dollar Bills Not Face Up/Right Side Up

This stems from my working in retail most of my life. It seems like this is a pet peeve shared by many who have worked in retail or the food industry. 

Money should be facing up (President side up) and not upside-down either. It's common courtesy. It's annoying when someone just scrambles some money together and throws it at me. Not only are you supposed to count the amount back to me, you hand it to me face-up and right-side-up. It takes no additional time, and it's courteous. 

This isn't a pet peeve that makes me simply yell out in anger and rage, but I do get miffed, and often give the person a bit of a glower while they are handing me my change. 

[tsurayu]

UPS Next Day Air Ain't No Joke

Seriously. 

So I got an e-mail literally moments after my stream last night ended, at around three this morning, saying that my package had been shipped. So I'm thinking, yeah, August 2 maybe August 1 should be good. Borderlands 2 should be here in plenty of time to get it set up for Friday night. 

Yeah, well I get up this afternoon and check the package. I go to UPS tracking and it's like "Delivered: Package Left at Front Door." So, I proceed to go... wut? I check outside. Sure enough, oddly like in my Hasta patch, is my game. I checked the shipping time and it was delivered at 10:41 this morning. 

... that's not even quite an eight hour shipping window. That's insane?! Priority Air is amazing. You get what you pay for. 

So...

Ta-da!

[tsurayu]

We 'Hopefully' Have Multiplayer Fridays back!

Yep, finally gonna get things set up again for the return of Multiplayer Fridays thanks to the beautiful Bombbunny. <3

Borderlands 2 should arrive Friday evening, just in time for a return to the event. I loved the first game, and have heard nothing but good things about the second game from fans of the first. I just never got around to it because I had been so busy catching up on PS3 games I've missed over the last several years. 

However, it's time for a fun return to Multiplayer Fridays. So much for my break from shooters huh? Blame Bunny on all of that. Still not crazy about matchmaking, multiplayer shooters anymore, but I'm good with fun co-op games. :3