TTC: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

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Prune juice.

That's where it's at. This is the first time I've gone to the bathroom twice in one day since my positive pee stick. It is glorious. My bowels are singing.

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The husband FINALLY felt her kick. Three months later.

His response? “Oh. Cool.”

Really? That’s it? I’m going to kick you, husband.

(I posted about the gestational diabetes screen on my other blog btw) http://fosterjunky.tumblr.com/post/150324867044/that-cute-little-elbow-is-henrys-16-pounds

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I am the worst at posting on here.

The past week has been hard. Lots of hormones. Lots of emotions. My vagina hurts. My feet hurt. My back hurts. I don’t really care about the back and feet, but I miss my vagina. It will probably never be the same again. I feel like I need to formally apologize to it. That’s how hormonal I am.

I really just want to cry and eat ice cream. And watch trashy tv. I am one of those awful, stereotypical pregnant ladies who can’t handle their shit.

And I don’t want to sound like I’m whining about the happiest part of my life. I’m really happy but also ridiculously hormonal.

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I can't go back to sleep because

I NEED apple Gatorade and a bagel with cream cheese. Why is this what I crave?!

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Officially halfway there!!

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Healthy baby girl!!! ❤️❤️❤️ Brain, heart, organs...everything looked good! So much relief. So glad it's done.

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19 weeks today!

One more week and I'm half done, I can't believe it. It still feels like a dream. I don't really know what to do with this blog anymore. I should probably change the name of it and make it into a bio kid blog. Or something. I don't know. No more intercourse or orgasm of any kind. The cramps are too disturbing. And my uterus is sore afterward. Normally this would be devastating to me, because I am a physically affectionate person. But honestly, I feel kind of smooshed in there already so no thank you. I've been feeling her move since 17.5 weeks, which is very neat and a little strange. I'm thinking at this point she'll make it, and I feel crazy lucky. And like I need to be a more responsible human being. The responsibility is immense. I feel guilty about bringing a child into the world in its current state.

[ttc-thetruth]

Relief

Woke up this morning, and she was bunched up high on the right side like usual. I really should only use the doppler in the mornings. She's super easy to find and her heartbeat is always loud and clear. I think I'll feel even better after our anatomy scan on the 28th. They'll check my cervix and I'll have a visual peace of mind.

[ttc-thetruth]

Panic

I had my second random fetus-related panic attack today.

Two weeks ago, in Colorado, I was sure I killed her with walking around too much in the high altitude. I panicked for four hours, crying and googling. And then the after-panic clarity came. And she was fine.

The past couple days, I’ve noticed she’s by my belly button when I sleep and by my pubic bone during the day. It freaks me out when she’s down so low, I feel like she’s just going to slide out because of my family history of incompetent cervixes. Anyway. We did the deed this morning, despite the pressure. And it didn’t feel great and I was crampy afterward and obsessively googling and worrying that I was going to go into labor with all the pressure and the cramps. Sigh. Then the cramps went away and the after-panic clarity came.

Jesus.

I’m so terrified of losing this baby all I want to do is lie down until 28 weeks.

It’s like the more I’m showing, and the longer I’m pregnant, and the more she’s talked about…the more pressure there is that I deliver a healthy baby. I think it’s making me panic whenever anything out of the norm happens. Sigh.

[ttc-thetruth]

Olive Garden and Sleep

Are all I want out of life this week.

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It's a GIRL!!!!!!! They said they were 95% sure and that they'll know 100% during our next appointment on July 28th. So. Last appointment was supposed to be just a regular check-up. Nope. I was there for more than two hours, and they had to do an emergency scan because my cervix was thin. Cervix was nice and long though and baby girl was just fine ❤️

[ttc-thetruth]

Long time, no post

I've been meaning to (I have a lot to say) I just never have the mental energy anymore. We got some incredibly disappointing news last week. My husband's initial sperm analysis was 3.8 million, and they told us we would need IVF with ICSI to conceive. A second opinion RE and urologist both told us his numbers MUST be higher, since we conceived before. Nope. His analysis right before surgery was only 2.5 million. That's...bad. I shouldn't be complaining because I'm pregnant (15w2d!) but unless his surgery works (it usually doesn't, especially after age 25) this could be our only biological child. I know I shouldn't focus on that, but secondary infertility is also painful. Anyway. I'm sitting in my OB's office, waiting. It's my first prenatal appointment without an ultrasound so I don't really know what to expect. Our next appointment is the anatomy scan and gender!!! Crazy crazy crazy. You can find out the gender at 14 weeks now, but we have decided not to do any elective scans. They're unnecessary and it doesn't matter what the gender is and what the baby looks like (3D scan). I have a definite baby bump now. Even my doctor commented on it. So every person I see irl automatically knows. It's such a strange feeling. I still can't really believe this is happening. I can't believe I'm growing a person. I still feel so lucky and a little confused ❤️

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Surgery is done

Husband is waking up still, so I'm not allowed to go back yet. Surgery took 30 minutes longer than expected because there were more veins than suspected. I just want to see him.

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Distract me

Husband is back in surgery. I actually did okay up until this point, which is pretty miraculous considering how hormonal I am. He went back at 9:20 and it's 10:35. He still has about 45 more minutes back there. I know he'll be okay, I'm just scared. And I'm not looking forward to seeing him in pain. And he's going to be in a lot of pain. Ugh ugh ugh. Distract me please.

[ttc-thetruth]

13w1d

Less blood. Tapered down to brown spotting a couple days ago, now barely there. Doctor warned me that I should expect to bleed and spot throughout my pregnancy though. Yayyyy. Hormonal mess. Everything makes me crazy. I think I need to stay away from people. I don't know how my husband puts up with me, but he's doing a great job. My husband's double varicocele surgery is in 3 days. I can talk about it here since I don't think my extended family can find this blog. (My other blog, if you want to hear me bitch about foster care, is fosterjunky. Not tagging it, but you can search for it) Anyway. Surgery. Super nervous. And sad. Ready for it to be over. He has one more sperm analysis before his surgery...tomorrow. We're really curious to see what the numbers are. I should probably start meditating or something. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm too stressed out, but it's not my lifestyle...it's the hormones. I can't change the hormones. I get so angry so easily. And the anger stays and festers. Sigh. I'm trying to stay mindful and in the present, but my gosh. It's impossible. I just want fetus baby to be okay, and my foster babies to be okay. Knowing I could lose both foster kiddos this month is definitely adding to the crazy.

[ttc-thetruth]

I have succumbed to the bean bag chair today. I wish I had a non-pregnant clone of myself to cook me everything I want to eat, just the way I like it made. Tamale pie. Really cheesy sliders. Au gratin potatoes... Ahhhh. Maybe I'll feel okay enough to make them this weekend ;-)