A King's Demons @tubaactorguy - Tumblr Blog

“maybe you wouldnt be so tired if you went to bed earl-”

Nudists Can’t Shit Their Pants

Yeah but then you’re just shitting like a horse that’s almost more humiliating you still have to clean that up if you’re in someone’s home damn

tinystrk

Avengers 4 when RDJ, Jude Law, Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman will all meet

alwaysbewoke

UNMUTE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! #intears #lmao

femmedplume

Cat’s inner monologue: Just…just grab the toy you tit. You absolute walnut I don’t even…why are you making this so hard it’s a TOY, I…man, why are you like this…

drearyhours

2001-2017: smash mouth is the shrek band

2018: shrek mouth is the pussy eating band

drearyhours

the typo i made on this post is funnier than the original joke

notheter

FLAPPIN FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT'S THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Visit Original Link

porterr-robinson

bunjywunjy

this advertising is so effective that it made me want to go buy a brand that’s been defunct for 40-something years

dojacat

gerrycanavan

for your convenience

yui-hirasawa-pregnant-fanfictio

hamtastrophe

it’s sometimes hard to believe rasputin was real. like there’s no non-fucked up part of rasputin’s existence

bigthecat

did he do something problematic i thought he was just russia’s greatest love machine

the-itchy-bitchy-spider

basic (true) story: fanatical russian monk who has almost never shaved or washed and smells like goats shows up at the russian capital with a creepy look on his beardy face and everyone just assumes he’s a prophet or a saint because he’s got a cult following that believes he can cure illnesses. his stans are sexually obsessed with him and he gets just a fuckton of russian pussy wherever he goes cause apparently he can cure his true believers of illness with god-given dick magic. russia’s queen has him come stay at the palace and sets him up in luxury because she thinks he can cure her son’s haemophilia with the power of russian goat jesus, and they (allegedly) become lovers, probably, ‘cause she craves that unwashed goat-scented dick like the rest of his cult which she now (allegedly) belongs to.

then the worst assassins in the history of assassinations try to assassinate him, because all of russia is slutshaming the queen he has too much power over the royal family and it’s helping revolutionaries turn people against the royals. so these idiots have him round for tea and cakes which are poisoned with cyanide, but he is magically unaffected by poison they get the dose wrong and he doesn’t die, and then he drinks three glasses of wine, which are also poisoned, and he doesn’t die, so they tell him to look at a crucifix and shoot him in the chest with a revolver when he isn’t looking, and he doesn’t die, but they think he’s dead so one of them dresses in his clothes and gets driven to his apartment to make it look like he’s gone home to hide the crime, and when they come back he gets up and attacks them, so they stab him in the side with a knife, and he doesn’t die, and then he frees himself and runs outside, so they shoot him a few times more, including in the forehead, and they wrap his body up and chuck him in the icy river, and he doesn’t go into the water, so his body is found on the ice the next day. and get this…. he died…. of hypothermia.

tyrannosaurus-rex

additionally, everyone who wasnt in the party of getting rid of rasputin was pretty bummed out when they found him and his miracle dick dead the next day and there was a pretty bangin funeral of which the royal family themselves attended. however after the tsar was overthrown a few month later they exhumed his body and burned it because the new leadership was very adamant about making sure there were no ties left to honor the old monarchy. however this dudes body had never been properly prepped for a cremation which meant that under the extreme heat his tendons and ligaments began to retract and shrink causing his dead body to move and twitch around as if still animate. according to some testimony his body actually sat up straight on the pyre, and at least one spectator fired a gun at the body and another may have allegedly died of shock.

w0wls

Rasputin was an old god from times before humans

mad-duck

He is like a cleric gone wild

godlessondheimite

“did rasputin do something problematic” i am going to die

shock

if fallout 76 really is a world where “every character is a real person” & there’s no NPCs im making it my civic duty to be like this lowly tavern barkeep and then once i’ve established enough of a rapport i’m going to nuke all of west virginia and it will be in character