zenith;

isaiah 41:10 // first you made my heart beat, now you beat my heart

[inkskinned]

you look at him and your stomach twists and your teeth hurt and you say, “that’s her?” and the way he lights up when he looks at her makes you think about how when you were seven your mother caught a firefly in her palms and told you that they were tiny kisses from angels and he says, “that’s her,” and just the weight he puts onto those words is enough to drown you because he’ll never say the same about you with the same heavy meaning and you say, “she’s pretty” because she’s actually glowing because she’s actually a fairy because you’re fairly certain that if you don’t look at your feet and think about something else, you’ll fall apart right there in front of him and god what you’d give to be in her shoes but you’ve learned by now that he won’t notice you no matter how much you want him to no matter what you say no matter how you act no matter what you do.

“she’s the one,” he tells you // r.i.d (via inkskinned)

[tulipsandthesun]

goodbyes.

When the internship ended and we hugged goodbye, you said, “You know, this isn’t really goodbye. I know we’ll see each other again.” And you didn’t say that to anyone else. I’m taking pragmatics in linguistics right now, but I still can’t quite seem to place the intent on that.

[worshipgifs]

[tulipsandthesun]

under the cut, as always

I feel like I only come here to rant about my love life haha oh well maybe I’ll keep this more active - come find me here if you want to read about my adventures though.

I really really liked this guy who was working at the same company I was working at this past summer. I think we got along pretty well, and we’d talk outside of meeting at work. And after the internship period ended, we kept in touch. I have no idea if he kept in touch with the others. I’d make qualifying statements like - “if he reaches out and talks to me today, he might like me”, and surely, within minutes, he would. I don’t know what I was waiting for. I guess I was waiting for too long, because one day, after we talked a little, those mental statements (read: wishes) didn’t work anymore. Then I saw this new girl pop into his life. Yeah, I’m happy for him, don’t get me wrong. But seeing him in his graduation photos with his friends and family and her makes me wonder what could’ve been. Honestly, I could be wrong about the whole thing too. I should just let it go now. We haven’t spoken in almost four months anyway.

I met this guy last week who lives on my floor. We were both not sober to say the least, but it was fun hanging out with him and his friends. When they left, he kept saying he really liked me. He’s an international student so we spoke Mandarin (my parents would be so proud of my language ability haha) and he said he wasn’t like some of my other international student friends who would play around. He even said he’d be willing to move to China with me if I chose to work there (I probably know only like 1000 characters how could I even do that). When the next day he asked what happened, I told him, and he said he probably meant it as a friend. I mean, we don’t know each other well at all, but still. Don’t tell me you’re not going to play around if you’re just actually going to???

All other aspects of my life are great though. I’m going to president of my sorority, I have an internship lined up, my friends are great, all of that. So I have a lot to be thankful for.

[wnq-writers]

And it broke my heart the way she looked at me - Not at all.

resilientworks (via wordsnquotes)

[tulipsandthesun]

fin.

under the cut as always haha

Jackie broke up with me on April 14. He’s been interested in this other girl with the same name as me for a few months and has slowly drifted away from me. I mean, what am I supposed to do about that? He likes someone else and doesn’t care for me anymore. So that’s it. It’s over. He says to not have hope over him coming back, so I won’t have any. I mean, a month and a half has passed already. I’m slowly moving on. It’s going slowly, of course.

He says he couldn’t have done anything to prevent him from falling for her. But I mean, he could’ve, you know. He didn’t have to spend his time hanging out with her and talking with her. He could’ve distanced himself and remembered that he loves me. But it doesn’t matter.

It’s lonely without him, I admit. Within 24 hours, he was kissing her and starting a relationship with her. He couldn’t even wait one day to do anything? It’s whatever. I think I’m getting over it, Slowly.

[inkskinned]

who are you when no one is looking. who are you when people forget to remember you, in the dead of night, in the moments between breaths. does the smile drop or does it get harsh or even worse does it stay. are you happy. or are you pretending.

[deathbypcy]

person: it was a little mistake! don’t beat yourself up about it

me:

[lewis-tan]

Squirtle and Bulbasaur’s goodbye

[mukjjippa]

BEST TEAM EVER!

[tulipsandthesun]

6/16/16

I worked on the 14th and literally shredded papers and cleaned up the place for hours. We also left at 7:30 when I end work at 5, which was strange, but ok by me, I guess.

Jackie came over on the 15th so he could take his physics midterm and we got to eat and spend time together, which was nice. I introduced him to Running Man and now he loves it (sorry...). He finds it so funny and I do too, so that’s something we actually have in common except for being Chinese and being comp sci majors.

I got to see Alex on campus while Jackie was taking his test and it was like nothing has changed; it felt the same with easy conversation and making fun of each other the whole time. He still motivates to study hard and have intellectual conversation with him.

Today, the 16th, I went to eat lunch at Tiger Lily with Kim, Haebin, and Kriti, which was good. I saw my 8th grade Spanish teacher (Scripture) there, who seemed to recognize me, but not Kim. And it was nice eating and talking with them.

Alice picked us up and we went bowling with Sander, Jeremy, Andre, Amir, Peter, and Savvas. I didn’t do terribly and even got a few strikes, but 2 hours was long. At least we had fun with it. (Also our group chat names are weird, but the guys have much weirder ones.)

We then went to the nearby dinner and ate and talked. Alice and I shared a sundae.

It’ll be the last time I see Haebin for a while, which is sad, but hopefully sometime in August we can hang out.

[wnq-anonymous]

You are so good. So good, you’re always feeling so much. And sometimes it feels like you’re gonna bust wide open from all the feeling, don’t it? People like you are the best in the world, but you sure do suffer for it.

Silas House, This is My Heart for You (via wnq-anonymous)

[thevoicestudio-blog]

Visit Original Link

[tulipsandthesun]

6/11/16

On the 10th, I went to Manhattan to the court for work, which means a long commute, but I don’t mind.

Jackie met me for lunch and we shared a warm bowl of beef and vegetables, sunshine pineapple bubble tea, and matcha made in heaven from 10below. It was so wonderful getting to spend some time with him.

And he got a job at a public school, which is nice.

Getting to see everyone last night at Jake’s was fun. I wish I got to spend more time talking to the guys, but they were playing sports and doing their own thing. Talking and cleaning with Haebin, Kriti, and Kim was awesome too. (Nipple shields...) Amir drove me home with Peter and I don’t know, it feels like nothing’s changed.

I read last night that Christina Grimmie was shot and when I woke up in the morning today, the 11th, I found out she had passed away. I’ve been watching her since 2011 and a fan, albeit not too dedicated, since that album dropped. It’s so sad to see someone so talented leave and not be able to pursue her dreams.

[inkskinned]

you can live in the same house for 14 years and still trip while walking down the stairs and i don’t mean to be cheesy but i guess i just worry that it’s the same thing with people. what i mean to say is that today i woke up and thought of you even though i didn’t mean to. what i mean to say is that in 14 years i might still trip over you and that terrifies me. you can really get hurt, you know, falling.

[everysongaday]

Visit Original Link

HOODY (후디) - Like You

[tulipsandthesun]

6/8/16

This is the boring part of my summer, with my ehh job and all. But I’m really excited for Russia. I can wait it out a little longer.

June 2 was the Dilo awards and Ezhao, Fawn, and Jamie came over to my house and we just got to catch up and go together.

The art, tech, and videos were amazing, as usual. I didn’t cry for a video this time around though.

June 6 was my yearbook adviser’s last d-day and to see everyone again and the beautiful yearbook being distributed was awesome.

Yearbook was a big part of my life throughout high school and without it, I don’t know what I would’ve done with my time. Maybe actually got super good grades? I don’t know, I always regretted being a part of yearbook but after I stuck it out and saw what I produced with everyone and how people cherish yearbooks, it was always worth the hardship and challenges.

But at one point, some girls did bully me (like, mocking me and being passive aggressive all the time) and room 111 didn’t feel like a sanctuary. I could never really get comfortable in that room. I don’t know why...

I guess I feel like I’m on the sidelines all the time and in college, I really don’t want to feel like that again.

So on the 1st of the month, I got notified that I got the GHC scholarship, which is awesome, considering my doubts about my computer science skills. It’s kind of a validation, but it means I need to work hard so when I go to the convention, I can actually understand what’s going on.

Richard’s mom will be there again and I haven’t seen her since 2004, so that will be awesome.

Yesterday, the 7th, was not a good day, but I’m so glad to have Jackie support me and love me. I don’t know, I guess I don’t want to be blamed for other people’s problems. There’s no need to rub salt in the wound over and over again. My job’s ending in a few weeks, which will be awesome.

Upon starting to walk with my mom yesterday, we saw a neighbor and her life is really hard right now and I don’t know, I wish I could help. She’s coming to church with us though, which is good.

I’m probably just gonna study a bit today and I don’t know, be productive.

Can’t wait to see some friends from high school this Friday.

I think one year of college has made me more introspective, at least.