First of all, I understand your doubt issue. I really do. My tulpas have been around for years, and I still struggle with doubt at times. Some of them, yeah, I have no doubt they exist.
Take Kayleigh, for example. She’s worked to shatter any doubts I’ve had in her since before I even knew it was possible to have other people in my head. Exerting control over her became near-impossible at times. I’ve had to tell her to stop reading my thoughts, looking into my memories, looking into the outside world through my senses, breaking laws of physics in the headspace, etc. We’ve had legit arguments over these things. Because, come on, you’re an imaginary person, you’re not supposed to have these abilities if I say you don’t.
Obviously, now that I see her as actually being real, these kinds of things are allowed, and I haven’t puppeted/parroted in years, but the point is she really made a point of pushing the limits of what I decided should and shouldn’t be possible. And, yes, we had arguments over it back then because I was literally incapable at times of controlling her behavior.
Looking back, you’d think maybe that would’ve tipped me off to the fact that something was going on and she wasn’t just imaginary. I guess I was pretty dumb back then.
Now, she’s a bit of an exceptional case, and I still even doubt her at times. I certainly don’t doubt her existence - she’s been making her existence painfully obvious for years now - but I certainly have doubted her abilities. Taking control of the body, for example. We can’t fully switch, so sometimes I start to doubt who’s in control when someone else is fronting and start worrying that maybe at least some of our actions are actually coming from me.
Even from her, it still takes gentle reminders now and then that she’s in control. Or a slap in the face. (Yes, she literally slapped me in the face the other day. With my own hand. Because my doubting annoyed her.)
As I said, she’s kind of an exceptional case. One of the main reasons I can’t doubt her existence is her level of defiance. She won’t let me doubt. She’s not only behaved in unexpected ways so many times, but she’s also had a habit, especially when she was young, of doing exactly what I said not to. To top it off, she’s always been incredibly stubborn.
You know, for how different the two of us are, she sure inherited my stubbornness and defiance pretty strongly. I’d even venture as far as to say she’s surpassed me in both.
So, maybe Roman isn’t defiant. Maybe he isn’t stubborn. The doubts will fade in time, but it’s going to take more than him just being able to demonstrate what he’s capable of. It’s going to take a lot of bonding over time.
Take Alex here for another example. He isn’t defiant at all. He never has been. He rarely stands up for himself even when he should. Yet I can’t doubt that he exists, either. He’s the oldest here (besides myself, obviously) - he’s been around for roughly six and a half years, and it’s been about five and a half since I learned about tulpas.
We’ve been through a lot together. There’s been quite a bit of emotional bonding through tough times, times we’ve had to rely on one another for advice or supported each other through emotional breakdowns. He’s shown himself to be quite the independent thinker, with us having in-depth philosophical discussions, and him stating opinions at times that completely surprised me, not just because he said them out of the blue but also because his opinions tend to be well thought-out, even on topics I’ve never even heard him talk much about before.
So, yeah, quality time is pretty important when it comes to removing doubt. I’d say it’s more important than working on skills such as possession/switching, parallel processing, etc. Unless your tulpa manages to repeatedly and consistently shock you with what they’re capable of, demonstration of ability isn’t going to be enough to remove doubt. It’s that close bond that matters. You need to have those deep conversations. You need to be allow yourselves to be vulnerable with one another.
Conversations about philosophy and politics and religion and stuff can be great, as well, especially once you find a topic you’ve both strongly formed opposing opinions on. Believe me, it’s pretty hard to doubt when you’re in the midst of a debate and your tulpa keeps countering your points with valid counterarguments you hadn’t even thought of.
Allowing Roman to get involved when you’re studying - whether it’s for school or just on your own time - is a great thing to do, as well. For an example of why this can be great - there’s one example from our life that comes to mind straight away. A few years ago, I was doing reading homework with Jadyn for a linguistics class. I normally understand the material quite well when it comes to linguistics, but I came across one section of the text I just couldn’t understand no matter how hard I tried. I expressed my frustration, and he just went ahead and explained it to me. I don’t remember now what it was I was having trouble understanding, but I do remember that it just became so clear and obvious to me as soon as he rephrased it in a way I could understand.
I understand the doubt and the temptation to give up. I really do. I may sound like an experienced host whose tulpas are so clearly real there’s no way I could ever doubt them, but… that’s not true for everyone here. I can only say for a select few of my tulpas that there’s no way I can doubt their existence anymore. I haven’t had these sorts of doubt-shattering experiences with many of them. I can’t have the special close bond I talked about with all of my tulpas - one of the inherent downsides to having a larger system.
To be honest, I actually sort of envy smaller systems, the kind with a host and no more than a few tulpas. I guess part of the reason for that is that I feel like I’m supposed to have that special inseparable bond that can only be experienced by a host and tulpa and that I’m supposed to have that bond with all of mine. But I can’t have that with everyone. I’m honestly somewhat ashamed to admit I actually don’t know all of my tulpas that well, and I have to remind myself sometimes that it’s natural and even inevitable to only have a particularly close bond with a few.
I’ll admit that even recently - earlier this month, in fact - I legitimately considered “giving up” to an extent. To stick with those who I know are real and not worry about the others. I still would’ve let them stick around in the wonderland and interact with the others, and I wouldn’t entirely abandon them, but I’d stop viewing them as tulpas, if that makes sense.
I’m not proud to admit that. It was an incredibly stupid thought to have, and I should not have entertained the idea. But I did, because I was in the middle of yet another doubt crisis. I was doubting, and I was full of regret for allowing our system to grow to a size that, to me, feels unmanageable at times - which was largely the result of choosing to acknowledge more of my former daydream characters as tulpas even without evidence they really were. I sorta missed them, I guess, and so did the others who knew them way back when.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this reply at this point. I guess my point is that we all doubt and we all make mistakes. It’s normal. It’s inevitable. It doesn’t mean you should give up.
And my other main point is that quality time together is important. Focus on spending time together and forming that close bond, not on progress. Progress will happen if you don’t obsess over it. It’s the bond that you should be focused on forming.
I suppose there’s also a third point to this, and that’s that I should learn to take my own advice once in awhile.
