Bella

Online diary documenting so I don't forget when I estrange ✌️✌️

[turbulentnymph]

Where all my British people at on this site 💔💔

[turbulentnymph]

14/08/2026

I was thinking about how grateful I am for my friends and some adults around me who have been there for me when my family and more hostile peers haven't. They all showed me love when it was most absent and showed me an alternative world where I wasn't confined to the belief that love wasn't real and that everyone secretly hated me like my mother said. They proved to me it was lies not by telling me but demonstrating I am worthy of softness and care even the more flawed parts of me

[turbulentnymph]

14/08/2026

I hate being dependent on my parents for everything I hate not having my own money I hate being treated like a burden for asking for hygiene products I hate the contrast gleefully mockery and and smug superiority I get from my own mother about her being excited to get rid of me once I get to university. Always taunting me about never paying a penny to help me out because she thinks I'm going to come crawling to her in some sick little fantasy and beg for forgiveness for doing god knows what. She speaks in a tone like she expects me to crash and burn once I get to be an adult because she still sees me as a stupid spoiled little girl who can't take care of herself and will drive everyone around her away. I don't think it's hit her I will cut her off when I am of age because of how little she thinks of me - she's got a short amount of time to redeem herself and is only digging herself a hole by dumping delusional accusations of malice and stupidity onto me

[turbulentnymph]

14/08/2026

With September approaching, I am seeing videos and discussions all over online about going back to secondary school (I am British to preface) and can't help but wonder why my peers were so cruel. Not to me specifically no - I did get bullied from Y7-9 but only by one specific group of boys due to my race and being autistic, but I'd say it wasn't as vicious or systemic with how other people who were 'weirder' than me were targeted. The others who were targeted in an all consuming way were done so by the entire yeargroup, and I will admit I didn't do much to help.

Do I have my reasons? Yes. With living with a lunatic family I couldn't afford to burden my mother by being more of a target of bullying due to defending someone, it's not like she cared I was really anyways. She always asked me 'What do you want me to do about it?' ever since I was little about most problems I came to her about, so what would even be the point. I thought back then if no one would protect me then it was futile to do so for someone else.

Though my reasons I don't see as valid in the shoes of those who were thoroughly isolated and treated as untouchable by my peers. I can claim I did try to talk to them when I could, try to be friendly and helpful when I could because I know the pain of being shut out of small, micro acts of niceties most people take for granted because I've been excluded from them due to my race by fully grown adults. I can claim I tried my best in small increments, but what truly haunts me is that it likely wasn't enough to overshadow the sheer volume of vitriol they received.

These people had their existence turned into a joke and entertainment in a way that frightened me so, so much - it wasn't like they were a person anymore in the eyes of these people but an object to poke at to dispense as much entertainment from. Whether these abusive bullies were consciously malicious or not, it doesn't matter.

Maybe it is me being separate to my British peers who grew up without war being close to them or their families, but I know what dehumanisation directly leads to. There have been so many killings and cullings and genocides in my country for decades on decades fuelled by the same ideology behind the entitled nature of bullying I saw in my school and it frightened me very much. It may be a ridiculous comparison due to the consequences being wholly different, but what is truly grim is that the mechanisms are similar in some aspects. It's easier to remove oneself from an inhuman 'unperson' to escalate in what you do to them, an insult becomes a chant, a chant becomes stolen objects, stolen objects become destroyed objects, destroyed objects become shoves, shoves become slaps, slaps become punches, punching becomes grabbing, and it goes on and on and on depending on if someone intervines, or if something changes. The person getting this maltreatment cannot even react the 'right way' either, it is a closed loop system of every emotion they show being twisted into something nefarious, weird or manipulative.

Sometimes I think about how certain people who were treated this way on the escalating ladder of mistreatment and how much danger they were in, and how narrowly they avoided being physically harmed or maimed in a serious way. Of course they didn't leave psychologically unscathed but I just have to think because the worst case scenario can happen and already has.

I get more sad when I think about these ostracised people's reactions more. I remember one of them hiding under the table in class after seeing a group of bullies try to enter their class and everyone laughing at them calling them overdramatic. I know everyone was thirteen, but why couldn't they understand like me that people are frightened by different things? Even now many people aren't any better, they fucking see distress in any situation and just point an laugh and denigrate the person instead of asking what happened and helping in whatever way is available. And then they turn around and blubber about how there's a loneliness epidemic...no shit man look at how you act to vulnerability!

[turbulentnymph]

12/08/2026

Was thinking about my mother saying I 'bring things onto myself' to justify her abuse of me as my problem - and probably was also implying that whatever other people did to me was also my fault because I am apparently the type to bring things onto myself because I am an apparent 'drama queen' and 'attention seeker'. Her classification of things I bring on myself is apparently being kicked out, threatened with being killed, being called every awful thing in the book possible and taunting me about how she's going to make me suffer after 18 but not supporting me.

She's never been on my side consistently - only when I am acceptable to love being obedient and pliant. Whenever she was on my side it's always been distorted too - people trying to manipulate me, trying to steal my money, people likely backstabbing me in the future no matter how much they've proven and shown they love me because my mother sees me as a person who deserves to be a recipient of this kind of treatment - she did say that I would drive everyone in my life away for being argumentative with people after I had told the social worker things.

[turbulentnymph]

11/08/2026

Currently on a trip related to an academic programme with my abusive mother giving me the silent treatment for four days so far having ignored requests for money to buy food. Luckily most of my meals are provided here but they're not on the journey back. It's easily solvable if I ask the programme for assistance but it's shocking that someone so old can be so immature

[turbulentnymph]

The most recent realisation I've had about how entitled my mother is is how she has recently been woeful about how I only supposedly speak to her whenever I want something like money...for school supplies, going out with friends, hygiene products. She then said that she wished I would ask about whr day at work and how she felt and found it... meanwhile this was the same woman who kicked me out for a month, calling me evil and 'like Judas' (calling herself Jesus basically?? We aren't Christian mind you we are culturally Buddhists??), claiming that my father abusing me was me lying for attention etc. And she still expects me to be at home like a cheery housewife asking about her day in a saccharine tone like our relationship is not beyond repair after her kicking me out and still threatening to do so 💀

[turbulentnymph]

With turning eighteen next year - I've recently reflected on the strange nature of how much I've been mistreated just to the notions of various adult figures in my life on how teenagers stereotypically act. In my experience at least the mistreatment based on faulty or exaggerated stories of how teenagers, specifically teenage girls and living within an abusive household has contributed to my view of how strange such notions are held about my age group.

The contempt and smugness from adult figures in certain situations especially when I grew into puberty always confused me - for example it was almost always gleeful for my mother and other folk adjacent to her to lecture me on things. There's a difference between teaching and taking enjoyment in adding little digs and reminders of 'I am superior to you thus I am better and if you object I will abuse you as loving correction'. Of course many of my teachers, social workers etc were never overtly like this in comparison to my direct caregivers, but on some level they operated on that same logic swapping the word abuse with something like 'correct' or 'tough love'. Perhaps my autism made the smug superiority especially confusing because socially, I have always been behind my peers and found the whiplash from usual childhood patronising care to outright abusive corrective glee even more confusing because mentally, I could not understand it as fast. I understand it now but it took longer than my peers too who caught it intrinsically. It made me very, very sad when I tried to reach out and talk, because as an autistic child sometimes you are more naive and trusting because of how you just are and what you know. And that attempt to understand just gets hurled back at your face just because adult figures are now seeing you through a lens of a rebellious, outrageous teenager?

My experiences are possibly influenced by the fact my caregiver has always been abusive and unpleasant to me from a very young age - though I still saw it in how my peers were treated when struggling. None of them fit the stereotype cleanly because I still managed to see them as whole people and not caricatures even when my social understanding has been underdeveloped for most of my life. For example many girls I knew with eating disorders were dismissed as merely frivolous or overly sensitive whenever it was largely the fault of the adult figures in their lives putting such contrived poison in their heads about their body image or unhealthy notions about food. Or when bullying took place, something rampant within British secondary schools these girls, and boys yet again were dismissed as being overly sensitive and I suspect being looked down upon as silly and especially 'not to be believed and protected' with being visibly queer or disabled. It disgusted me to no end especially with my experiences of being brown within a white majority school. A common pattern I picked up from this wasn't only who was deserving of protection and not, but also just the dismal way especially teenage girls are seen by adults as hysterical and beyond reasoning or going through 'phases'.

More sad is I see adults in their thirties, forties, fifties even speaking about how they still have traumatising experiences from that small window of time during their adolescence of social/psychological violence, physical violence, isolation, self harm, etc from their peers or from adults around them. It's always been clear that the simultaneous infantilism and adultification of teenagers regardless of what era they're from has produced awful results but yet it's still being repeated much to my disappointment.