CRUEL BEYOND MY YEARS . . . you do the impossibleใผyou make dazai feel. thatโs why youโre his, you just donโt know it yet.
ft. pm!dazai + f!reader, pm!reader, chuuya is there too, so are oda and ango, jealousy & possessive behavior, some descriptions of depression & violence, 2.4k w.c.
EVERYWHERE, EVERYTHING SERIES MASTERLIST
dazai knows heโs supposed to be in a meeting right now.
he yawns, hands behind his head in a makeshift pillow, overgrown legs hanging off the arm of the couch as he stretches out. the heels of his shoes graze his jacket, haphazardly tossed aside when he first came into his office and laid down.
even with the sleep mask covering his face, blocking out the sun that pools into the top floors of port mafiaโs headquarters, he knows itโs you whoโs approaching his door.
he fights back a smile, something he rarely has the opportunity to do. he keeps his breathing steady and deep as he hears the familiar rhythm of your knuckles against his office door, knocking in a code. you both came up with it when you were younger, freshly sixteen against the hallow walls of his shipping container; your own shared secret. he hears the gentle creak of the old wood as you peek inside.
โdazai?โ he hears the soft sound of your footsteps as you come closer, then a sigh heโd recognize anywhere. โdazai. take that thing off. itโs creepy.โ
he remains still. heโs supposed to be asleep, after all.
โi see mr. executive is as busy as always,โ you say sarcastically, but he can still hear the smile in your voice. you slip your thumb under the soft cotton padding of the sleep mask and slide it up his face, pushing his bangs back. the soft glide of your skin against his forehead leaves tingles in its wake, and itโs easy enough to ignore the burn of his one visible eye adjusting to the bright afternoon light when youโre hovering over him like an angel. โdonโt you want to say goodbye to me?โ
a new mission. he sighs exhaustedly, as if was the one who was assigned. โhow long will you be gone this time?โ
โnot long, probably,โ your hip presses against his as you sit on the edge of the couch. you rest your cheek on your hand, arm bridged over his stomach as your elbow props on the backrest. โchuuya got assigned to it with me. him and i make a good team.โ
โyou shouldnโt hang around him so much,โ he tilts his head back. โyou should be careful. he eats dog food, you know. he really is a dog, isnโt he?โ
โshut up,โ you laugh, and the sound makes his heartbeat quicken without his permission. โi know that isnโt true.โ
โit is!โ he sits up on his elbows so he can meet your eyes, his own shimmering with mirth. โi even saw him do it. you trust me, donโt you?โ
you flick his forehead, giggling as you stand back up and straighten your skirt. โyouโre just jealous you donโt get to come on this mission with us.โ
with us? dazai swears he could be sick and die right there on the couch, as if there even was a โyou and chuuyaโ. the thought alone makes him nearly double over in pain. if anything, it should be him you were paired up with, and if you asked for his opinion, it was a joke that you werenโt by defaultใผ even if little assignments like this were below him now that heโs an executive. no one else knew you as well as he did, and no one else ever would; besides, heโd known you longer than that stupid slug. moriโs negligence on the matter makes his stomach churn and his skin prickle uncomfortably.
โhey,โ he grabs onto your jacket sleeve, where the cuffs are still a little too long and the fabric hangs over your wrists, before you can walk away. โbe careful.โ
you smile at him brightly, giving him a thumbs up, but it barely fazes him. he watches you leave, gaze dark and mouth firm. something bitter starts to crawl up his stomach, growing in his chest like thorned vines intertwining and tightening around his ribs.
when mori first introduced you and dazai to one another, you were both fourteen years old. the first thing he noticed when he saw you was that your clothing was too big, hanging awkwardly off your body. youโve both grown since then, nearly identical black jackets and ties over white button-downs adorning your frames. the second thing he noticed was that you were different from him; he could tell from your eyes, bright and glistening.
he canโt remember a time when he wasnโt burdened by the feeling of looking through a window, always a spectator. you were different; you had a seat at the table. every bomb placed, every trigger pulledใผ you were there with him through it all, with the same fucked up feeling of adrenaline pounding through your veins, except you were attached to the world around you. you saw meaning in it somehow.
he wants to pick you apart piece by piece and study you under a microscope. he wants to understand just what it is about you that makes you so intriguing. what do you know that he doesnโt?
how are you making him feel this way?
he thinks about you on your mission, even when he tries not to. he flips through his paperwork lazily, pulling sheets from their stapled packets and folding them into origami shapes. he stares at his finger when he gets a paper cut on the edge of a report about some dispute in kyoto, watching the blood dribble down his skin in small beads. he raids the infirmary for chemicals, slipping past the nurses and picking the lock to the medicine cabinet, pocketing bottles and extra rolls of bandages. he plays on his handheld console, sighing in frustration when his character dies again; if only it was so easy.
itโs nearing the latest hours of the night when he decides to sneak into your office that he finds you again, back from your mission and chatting with chuuya, whoโs arms are crossed as he leans against the edge of your desk. dazai skims his eyes over you, noting with satisfaction that there seem to be no new visible injuries on you. he relishes in how chuuyaโs brows furrow when he sees him, and how yours rise in delight, cheeks rounding in a smile. he throws his arms around your shoulders, your faces close enough for him to count your eyelashes as you tilt your head back to look at him.
โi hope you didnโt have too much fun without me,โ he pouts, squeezing you against his chest. โdid you keep chuuya on his leash during your mission?โ
โdonโt talk about me like iโm not here, idiot.โ
โoh, there you are,โ he eyes the aforementioned man lazily, as if he were a bug that landed near him. โi almost missed you because youโre so small.โ
โi fell asleep right after we were done,โ you giggle. โchuuya had to carry me back.โ
โoh?โ he tightens his arms. dazai always thought you were the cutest post-mission, all sleepy and touchy; he always made sure he was around for those moments. โdid he?โ
youโre talking, something else about the mission, but he doesnโt listen. chuuya looks from you to him when he feels his gaze, eyebrow raising in a silent question. they screw up in irritation when dazaiโs eyes narrow as his lips curl up into a cruel grin. he cranes his neck down, nose grazing your temple before he drags his tongue across your cheek.
โew, dazai!โ you try to shove him away, but he doesnโt go far, still clinging to you tightly. โwhat the hell? youโre so gross!โ
he laughs in your ear, even as you try to pry his hands off his shoulders. you twist your hand around his wrist, tugging on it and glaring at him over your shoulder.
โlet go, dazai.โ
youโve only ever looked at him like this when he woke you up in the middle of the night, knocking over one of your chairs after he broke into your apartment; you werenโt able to fall back asleep for hours, and when you finally woke up the next day, you realized he ate the last of the mapo tofu in your fridge.
he loosens his arms, stumbling when you shove him. the feeling of your hands pushing him away is nowhere near as warm as when you brushed his hair back earlier that day. thereโs no pretty, warm smile dimpling your cheeks either; just your back retreating from your office, the sound of your door slamming shut, and chuuyaโs annoyed glare prickling his skin. his chest tightens.
the flickering light of bar lupinโs sign penetrates the foggy night air, like a lighthouse calling lost ships home. ango and oda are already inside when dazai arrives. a cigarette dribbles loose curls of smoke into the air as ango cradles his glass between his palms and oda tilts his head back to sip his whiskey. the barโs most devoted patron hops from dazaiโs seat knowingly, landing on his little white paws as dazai sits down on the stool with a huff.
he rests his chin against his forearm, sighing into his elbow as the bartender places his usual in front of him wordlessly. the two older men look at the pouty pile of messy hair between them. oda knows heโs waiting for one of them to ask, so he does. โdid something happen today, dazai?โ
โyes,โ he bounces the sphere of ice against the bottom of the glass, feeling his fingertip go numb. โsheโs mad at me.โ
โwhat did you do now?โ ango eyes him wearily from behind his glasses.
โhow rude,โ he says flatly, his voice sounding hollow without his usual playfulness. โimmediately assuming iโm at fault.โ
โarenโt you always?โ he sighs into the rim of his glass, taking a long sip.
they both wait in silence before dazai shoots up in his seat, his stool spinning slightly.
โhow can that stupid slug touch whatโs mine?โ
โโyoursโ?โ ango asks, a thin eyebrow raised. โpeople donโt own other people.โ
โi didnโt know you two were dating,โ oda says.
โweโre not,โ dazai sags back down, folding his arms and laying his head down so his eyes are level with his glass again. โthatโs gross.โ
โyouโre not?โ oda repeats. โโฆthen why are you upset?โ
he feels the bandages around his eyes loosen as he turns his head away, squishing his cheek into his elbow. the cat licks his paws across the bar, before reaching up and rubbing his little face. he catches dazaiโs gaze, looking at him with big, round, unblinking eyes. his chest tightens again.
the sun is rising, melting the black of the night sky to gold when dazai arrives at your apartment. his hand freezes inside his pocket, fingers wrapped around his lock pick, glancing back to your door. he lets it go and knocks instead, beating his knuckles against the wood in your secret code.
youโre in your pajamas when you open the door, and he notes the bruise on your leg that was hidden under your work uniform. he looks at you like a lost puppy; ears down, eyes big, with his tail between his legs.
โhey,โ your eyes dart along his body, and he knows youโre scanning him for injuries too. โyou okay?โ
he doesnโt reply, and you let him meekly slip past you into your apartment. your blanket is pooled on the floor from where you were sitting at your coffee table, chopsticks and a bowl of stir fry waiting for you; the schedule of a mafiosa has your circadian rhythm flipped, eating dinner as the sun rises.
โdid you eat anything yet?โ you ask him, sitting back on the ground.
his big brown eyes blink down at you emptily.
you open the side of your blanket expectantly, scooting over to make space for him. you nudge your food between the two of you when he sits beside you. his stomach flutters as he thinks about you feeding him from your chopsticks, a hand cupped under his chin, your soft thumb brushing his lips as you wipe them clean. he ignores it, plucking a shrimp out of your bowl with his fingers instead.
โyou can have the rest,โ you bundle the blanket a little tighter around your shoulders, sighing softly as you lay your head down on his shoulder. โi made extra. i knew youโd come over.โ
โyou did?โ
โmhm,โ you rub your thumb along the edge of his bandages where his palm and wrist meet absentmindedly. โi know you.โ
you do, scarily so. you like your stir fry spicy, but you kept it mild for him. because you knew heโd come over. because you knew he wouldnโt have eaten otherwise. because he only ever gets a home cooked meal when you make one for him.
โโm sorry.โ he mumbles, voice barely audible.
you tilt your head up and look at him, eyes heavy. he holds his breath as you lift your hand and cup his cheek, tracing the dark circle under his one visible eye with the pad of your thumb.
โletโs go to bed,โ your voice is soft in the way it always is when youโre tired. โwe can still sleep a little before we have to go back to headquarters.โ
he knows every inch of your apartment, but he still lets you guide him into the dark of your room, and heโs suddenly surrounded by everything that is so quintessentially you. he has it all committed to memory: the title of the book on your nightstand you swear youโll finish, the delicate splay of jewelry on your dresser, the pajama shorts hanging over the side of your hamper in the corner.
you practically collapse, falling into your bed and splaying your limbs with a happy sigh while he carefully lies down, staring at the ceiling and keeping his hands to himself. itโs after a few quiet moments when he feels something warm against him, and when he turns to look at you, his breath catches in his throat.
youโre so much closer to him than anyone else would ever dare to be. you curl towards him even in your sleep, like a sunflower growing towards the sun. your arm reaches towards his, fingers loosely clinging to his sleeve, as if you wanted to keep him anchored to the bed with you. he could almost make himself believe you really wanted him there.
he watches the daylight fall over your face, just as delicate as the sheet you draped over your body, still thin enough to show off the contour of your legs. you look so relaxed, cheeks full of color with the shadow of your lashes resting against them.
It was quiet in the Alberich household - not uncommon but certainly strange as the man himself was in fact situated on the settee in his living room, and not in the bar he oh-so-dearly loved. Yet tonight was different.
Tonight, his lover sat beside him with their arms wrapped loosely around his stomach.
How long had it been since they were last like this? Too long. His title of Cavalry Captain and theirs as a mole stationed in Snezhnaya meant that time spent together as such was a luxury they couldnโt afford to waste.
Kaeyaโs fingertips grazed the side of their head softly, his lips relaxed into a line and eyes wandered down from their head to their shoulders. Their hair was as soft as he remembered.
Was that a scar on their cheek?
โYouโre staring.โ
A voice piped up from below him and he quickly snapped out of his momentary daze. The corners of his lips curved swiftly.
โIs that so? Then how is it that you noticed?โ he countered, to which he was met with silence.
โI just knew.โ
Kaeya chuckled heartily, wrapping his arm even tighter around their shoulders. It was strange - how light his chest felt around them.
They didnโt mind how much he teased, nor how genuine he could be with his feelings for them. Albeit clearly embarrassed, they took it headstrong.
He felt the heave of their chest as they sighed and sunk deeper into his embrace.
โIโll be setting off at 8PM sharp tomorrow.โ
And suddenly his heart sank.
There was a pause in the air as Kaeya tried to regain his confidence to speak. He shouldnโt be all that surprised at this point, however he couldnโt stop the tension rising in his body at the thought of not being able to see them for so long.
He cleared his throat.
โSo soon? I was hoping to spend some time with you before you left.โ Kaeya offered with a fake cheeriness in his tone. Forever an actor - he would much rather hide his hurt from the one he cared for than to have them see how deprived he was of their love and attention.
To say Kaeya was popular with the ladies would be an understatement. Women adored him and grandparents wished to have him as their grandson. Countless times he had led someone on only to inform them that he wasnโt interested. A heartbreaker, true. A fool, even.
Yet the one person in the world he craved most was always just out of reach.
He was far from being a good man deserving of a love - but just this once, couldnโt they just stay?
โI canโt. They want me in Liyue to help deal with some brokers who crossed boundaries within their contracts. If I donโt go, it wonโt look good.โ
A silence overtook them. Neither knew what to say.
Shuffling began to stir from next to Kaeya before they began to depart from him entirely.
โIt was a mistake to come here, Iโm sorry-โ
Quickly cupping the side of their face, Kaeya turned them so that their eyes connected. His icy blue eyes which once were full of mirth were now filled with panic and uncertainty.
โDonโt leave.โ
Another silence.
โJust . . . for tonight, letโs not think about it. It doesnโt matter. Just continue to let me hold you, okay?โ
For a few moments, no one moved - too afraid to break the stillness between them. His partner nodded their head slowly and Kaeya found himself swallowing his nerves.
Running his thumb over their cheek, his eyes carefully glanced down towards their lips. When was the last time he had indulged himself in those sweet lips? Two, no, three months ago? Some time around Christmas if he remembered correctly.
Leaning forward, he sighed in relief as his own pair came into contact with theirs. It was almost ludicrous how euphoric it felt to be this near to his lover again.
One kiss turned into another, and Kaeya somehow found himself maneuvering to tower over them.
He placed a kiss against their temple, then their nose, then each of their cheeks before moving to hover over their lips once more.
dailybridgerton
turnnoffyourmind
snowghoul
izzy806
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
gracieabrams
