horny ass turtles

i write dumb and sometimes sexy headcanons | minors DNI ______ ko-fi.com/turtlebitches ______

[turtleweens]

The Masterlist

hello! it's me again. FINALLY took some time to get everything down on one page so you all could find these without hunting through my blog.

tried to make this as user-friendly as possible for you guys since I'm always confused by masterlists-- PLEASE let me know if the links take you to the wrong post, or if the format is hard to use.

also! if you want more warnings added to a specific post either send me a message or leave a comment on the post. no one's asked yet, but I wanna cover my bases just in case.

organized by date of posting from most to least recent

last update: 6/10/22

My Art

@peikonlainen 's rise!OC rosa

turtle posturing at himself

donnie in turtle jail

All Turtles!

dick headcanons Summary: we all knew this was coming (ha!) Warnings: sexual content, mutant turtle anatomy

prengang headcanons pt. 2 summary: this is just general mid-pregnancy headcanons warnings: pregnancy, fluff

more things that intrigue the turtles summary: turtles appreciating the bod warnings: slight sexual mentions

embarrassing shit the turtles did warnings: sexual mentions/cringe

how to deal with turtle tears (ask)

TMNT Skull Island!AU

reasons the turtles would break up with you summary: very good reasons to break up with someone warnings: angsty

what porn they look at summary: porn preferences for the turtle boys warnings: sexual content (no images)

kiss and makeup summary: you and your turtle get back together warnings: angsty, mentions of sex, not turtle specific

getting through a breakup summary: you and your turtle break things off... he tries to cope warnings: angsty

proposals gone wrong summary: your turtle flubs the proposal warnings: mentions of choking? also fire

turtles and ✨self care✨ summary: turtles learn how to have a bathroom routine warnings: stinky teenage turtles

cute human things the turtles pay attention to summary: turtles are fascinated by your funky little body warnings: none

YOU ARE SICK. GET IN BED. summary: the turtles being sick and the reader takes care of them warnings: bratty turtles

reactions of the turtles to you becoming a turtle summary: turns out having unprotected sex with a ninja turtle exposes you to mutagen warnings: angsty, mentions of sex

pregnant headcanons part 1 summary: Your feral ass turtle boyfriend knocks you up during mating season and turns into a giant fucking dumbass (he’s trying and you love him) warnings: pregnancy (w/ a turtle), sexual mentions (barely)

Spider!!! summary: reader sees a spider and her boyfriend has to rescue her warnings: spiders

mating season headcanons summary: headcanons for horny season but they're not as sexy as you wanted lol warnings: some sexual content

smell headcanons summary: the turtles having scent based communications warnings: mentions of sex/sexual themes

how to annoy your boyfriend for attention summary: literally just getting your turtle boyfriend to look at you while you’re off to the side like >:] warnings: if you do all of these together you might actually piss off your turtle boyfriend so use sparingly

Awkward and embarrassing first times summary: first times are weird. here’s a bunch of shit that gives the turtles cringe attacks to remember warnings: sexual themes, sexual imagery

chat fic: dick measuring contest summary: the turtles send dick pics to y/n and shit gets stupid warnings: sexual themes, swearing

turtle booty headcanons summary: what the turtles butts look like and if they’ll let you smack it warnings: sexual themes, images with nude art

Leonardo

feral!Leo finds out you're pregnant summary: an extension of my pregnancy headcanon post, feral dumbass Leonardo finds out you're pregnant and is very happy warnings: sexual content, fluff

spicy headcanons for a tall, muscular, non-binary s/o summary: you are 7'3" and your boyfriend thinks this is. very hot. warnings: sexual content

Raphael

raph/mona in the turtleweens multiverse

baking headcanons

2007 ramona

turtle!s/o headcanons summary: you are a mutant turtle and raph is into it warnings: sexual content

spicy headcanons for a tall, muscular, non-binary s/o summary: you are 7'3" and your boyfriend thinks this is. very hot. warnings: sexual content

Donatello

donnie getting his ass handed to him (ask)

making you laugh (ask)

spicy headcanons for a tall, muscular, non-binary s/o summary: you are 7'3" and your boyfriend thinks this is. very hot. warnings: sexual content

curiosity killed the cat summary: donnie finds the reader's OnlyFans account warnings: sexual content and themes, nothing overt but it's talking about finding porn

~ more to come ~

[teh-nos]

re-reading my own fic because the author has exactly my taste in tropes, ships the same ships in the right way, and also shares my sense of humour. what a find, what a revelation. i hope they write more of this sort of thing.

[turtleweens]

sometimes going back and reading some of my old work is like reading something a possessed person wrote

[turtleweens]

Your banner scared me. I started crying

I have to be very careful opening my blog around people

[turtleweens]

Which turtle(s) do you think know the most sign language?

I think they all likely learned their own adaptation of sign language specifically for three fingered creatures— it’s probably based on ASL but not an exact rendition.

As for who knows ASL the best, I think Donnie would learn because he’s a polyglot and hunts actively for things that would challenge his mind.

I think they could all sign to the best of their abilities, but a deaf person would need a little bit of time learning their dialect specifically.

They’ve got Turtle Sign Language down pat though :-)

[turtleweens]

What do you think it's like for S/O's first meet with the turtles to be in a haunted apartment? I wanted to write it bcs it's such an intriguing thought and I have a hc that Leo(leaning to the 2007 version more since he was literally dubbed 'Ghost of the Jungle' but probably a bit OOC) to be into haunted stuffs and would do test of courage with the brothers and some dastardly pranks too.

Also, so far, I haven't seen anyone write a tmntxreadear or S/O or OC meet in a haunted place. Just wanted to hear your thoughts on it.

I could see Leo believing in ghosts, honestly! I think he’d be a bit more serious about respecting spirits. Which, I know plays a bit into Leo being more serious— but I think that as goofy as he can be around people he likes, he’d still be dead serious about ghosts. I’m not sure he’d be afraid of them as much as he’d have a healthy respect and keep his distance.

Also I don’t think it’s too OOC for 2007 Leo specifically to believe in ghosts! I don’t think it’s tied to the “ghost of the jungle” as much as it’s tied to his upbringing in martial arts with an emphasis on spirituality. living in South America would also add to that on its own I think, there is a lot of firm belief in superstition and the supernatural, especially in small villages.

As for meeting in a haunted place— I think what you’re suggesting is something along the lines of a famous/well known haunted/abandoned place? And the turtles and the reader both separately decide to go visit the spooky location?

Would be super fun, honestly! I could see both groups accidentally scaring each other. Mikey would definitely want to mess with the reader more after getting the jumpscare of his life.

Leo would go mostly because he wanted to prove he’s not scared. I could see him at first refusing to go, mostly because he thinks it’s a bad idea to mess with spirits, but would concede after the others claim he doesn’t want to go out of fear. He’s not afraid, but he is certainly wary. But he would definitely insist they not do anything that would agitate the ghosts. He is staunchly anti-seance, or ouija board (even though he KNOWS they don’t do anything he’s damn sure not going to ANNOY the ghosts), or anything besides walking through and observing and then leaving promptly.

He does love spooky locations, a little bit. I think everyone likes a bit of macabre. I think he would prefer something where he can visit in a more respectful manner, though.

[turtleweens]

Are you still willing to write a TMNT story?

I unfortunately don’t write super often anymore, mostly because I’ve got a job that takes up a lot of time and energy ^-^; and partly because I’ve got a lot of hyperfixations that I cycle through.

I still love tmnt though! I check back here and read everyone’s notes often, and I want to tell all you guys how much I appreciate the kind words on my old posts, it’s just… sometimes it feels a bit weird to bring everyone’s hopes up that I’ll write again by popping up.

I’m not a writer all the time, but in my heart I am. I just can’t get the words out sometimes.

I don’t mind the asks, though! It’s nice to know I’m not forgotten. I will say I prefer to not write spicy stuff anymore

[turtleweens]

Turtweens I will never forget you as the one who established that the turtles absolutely smell like ass because they live in the literal sewer. Whenever I read a TMNT fic and it gets spicy I always have a voice in the back of my head telling me that I would not want to touch/kiss/lick any part of a creature who has been sliding around the NYC sewage system. You live rent free in my mind.

I once read a fanfic where the reader meets the turtles by swimming in the sewers. like for fun. and that changed me

[turtleweens]

I'm going to say something horrendous.

I started reading 2012 tmnt fanfiction before actually watching the show beyond clips so I had NO IDEA what Fishface looked like.

I thought... I thought he would look cooler ;-;

[turtleweens]

I have no clue where the mental picture came from but I imagined him as a banded eel mutant with an expressive eel face and like. Robo-Gills. 100% did not realize he had fucking LEGS I thought he just slithered around the sewers being a rapscallion

[turtleweens]

this is how I thought he looked when I first read 2012 fanfics 😭

[turtleweens]

it’s rough following normal fanart accounts outside of the heathen realm bc all I want to do is comment on their old man art and say ‘this is the hottest man I have ever seen in my life. I am frothing at the mouth as we speak’. but the vibe of all the notes is “lovely! :-)” and I’m not about to be the village freak hollering in the town square about wanting to boink the fictional funny man

[bookwyrminspiration]

if you all could see all the fanart i imagine in my head and never draw it’d blow your tits clean off

[turtleweens]

I’ve read so many fanfics that are centered around family dynamics and slow burn romance, that now anytime I read a story where shredder shows up im like “this fucking guy again.” as if he’s not an integral part of the franchise 😭

but it’s like. go home dude the party’s over. we’re talking about boys kissing now.

[turtleweens]

“pizza gyoza” my brother in Christ that is literally a ravioli

[turtleweens]

every time you introduce the ninja turtles to a new configuration of cheese and tomato sauce they explode

[turtleweens]

“pizza gyoza” my brother in Christ that is literally a ravioli

[turtleweens]

say what you want but I think every donatello is weak for hot evil women

[turtleweens]

if we got a new ninja turtle movie every summer I think life would be better. happier, even.

[turtleweens]

I’m so conflicted about splinter sometimes Bc on one hand I’m like “:-) hello mr splinter!!” and on the other hand I’m like “pls stop giving ur sons more trauma”

[turtleweens]

I allow some leniency to 2003 splinter bc he’s got some “born a rat” morals