thoughts on things / random rambling / tw for me talkin bout glp1s and ed's
i keep finding reasons why i'm glad i went off a glp1...... felt so shit abt myself for months thinking i needed it & feeling the influence of my mom always in my ear telling me how good it's been for her & helping her be more active & that "it's such a negative thing i don't even realize to have extra weight creating physical health problems" but fuck dude living in that world with her was so miserable for a bit and it had fuck all to do with health. i love her but she hasn't deconstructed enough of that "this will make me feel positive about myself" thought process or carrying shame abt beauty being expected / internalized view of what men see and that equaling thinness, and idc what people say, that mentality is unhealthier than striving to exist neutrally as a fat person in a bigger body & learning balanced relationships based out of love & health at any size
i just felt straight up SICK every day for months & felt like it fucked things up more than it "corrected" anything, like even having to go to the ER for how it can fuck up your hormones/stomach functioning & make you unable to keep even water down. ironically i didn't lose anything on it either fr and in fact gained more than where i was at bc i felt so brainfoggy, lethargic, & nauseous all the damn time... and apparently it can even be destabilizing to your mental health and create additional anhedonia and i'm not cool with that. since going off of it i feel like i am not only more able to move, think, and focus... but also - and idgaf either - i enjoy food again & that itself is better than making food feel like slush. making me lose any appetite & eat even more infrequently due to delayed stomach emptying felt like it made me constantly dizzy more than just maintaining a regular sense of appetite + working in therapy on some of the ideas/emotions associated w food & eating habits that are contributors to unbalanced blood sugars / energy levels / additional weight gain
and idgaf either bc one day i'm gonna die and there's no world where i can pretend the reward for this ~being in a thinner body~ is also worth limiting the core human experience of being able to enjoy a meal, cook food with joy, share it with other people and otherwise see it as normal to get enjoyment from food. like emotions aside there is so much love there connecting me with other people & the rotating trends have genuinely fuck all to do with health when they disconnect you from being able to understandably feel pleasure bc you're so fucking in your head trying to manage what you have to do to avoid feeling sick from the shot or shame about what you consumed. the learning how to care for my body nutritionally is harder but also been surprisingly easier in its own way too and what do you know, removing that element of shame makes you realize the problem in the first place was shaped by the experience of guilt and hierarcically valuing certain bodies, to say nothing of the complex underlying emotional & psychological factors
oddly enough the most helpful thing has been conceptualizing habits through the lens of addiction psychology in this class i'm in & how much particular eating behaviors sustain a cylical search for fulfilment / overstimulation / lowkey desire for abundance outside of myself that i should meet with compassion and understanding. i felt so disingenous holding the cognitive dissonance of how fatphobia was contributing to my appraisal of myself yet maintaining the belief that for everybody else there's absolutely nothing inherently wrong, bad, or undesirable abt fatness. it can't exist free of bias & fatphobic prejudice if i myself reach for a solution to fatness.
even tho i was certain i wanted the glp1 not for appearances but to feel more awake, energized, etc... it's funny how a centrality of control was leading the helm, and wanting to take back part of my lived experience that's always affected by knowing i exist in a fat body. it's such a weird thing to know it shouldn't warrant changing oneself and yet to think you would if you could. it's incompatible & hypocritical & it's human too, i know...but i'd rather be defined by what i chose to believe out of integrity's sake, you know? there will never be a cure-all outside of yourself, or escape from self-judgment or judgment of others that doesn't ultimately lead to self-betrayal
looking at how many ppl fall into the experience of "i was okay with my body til i could afford to change it" & the rampant eating disorder culture that's become abundant & chic again with this trad wave of fascism & availability of glp1's just takes me to this place more horrific than i can describe. there's a festering emptiness & dark pain threatening an inner retreat inside oneself & self-hatred & control & disconnection from yourself that i recognize from my days of self injury that makes a brick wall instantly shoot up. it's terrifying & sad & i'm more terrified & sad that somewhere inside of me is a jealousy or desire to embody that kind of outward evidence of inner struggle in a way that romanticizes the pain & emptiness of the human condition we all must find our own ways of responding to with connection, rather than despondency, misery, & self-immolation or destruction of others. it's a certain kind of addiction & desire for oblivion masked as control over your worth & appearance & i simply cannot stomach seeing the twist of the knife every time people out there, some celebrity or someone else i know, expresses that
and that it somehow grants this illusion of having strict self-control recognized almost as obedience
it feels so freeing now to reject it more wholeheartedly & experiencing food differently when i realize i always had the control but there were definitely things underneath that made it more challenging. stress is always such a big one that impacts us so profoundly & the experience of shifting into survival mode, mitigating costs, & coping with the working world that makes all of these struggles more complicated than i ever truly gave credit for and thought well maybe i should reach for what's close to me. i feel so happy to embrace the reality that being in a different body will not erase shame that's taught by virtue of something inherently unfair, being the idea that we are having somehow an inherently different human experience because of our bodies... i am still just as "worthy" & lovable & i don't ever want to act like my body is something to regard as not my own
even just seeing commercials of glp1s feels ironic considering how attractive i find everyone in the commercial who's in a bigger body lol seeing their confidence & happiness.
i can't help but think abt too how different it is based on racial perceptions too & distinctly white beauty standards and like... it's a privilege itself to *have* my body as my own somewhat bc it hasn't been subject to the kinds of treatment enforced upon it by virtue of it being treated as subhuman or subject to being owned. my brushing up against the traps of perfectionism, insistence on white-centric bodily beauty standards, etc is fundamentally different than someone who suffers with it bc they themselves are considered the antagonist of the system that tries to colonize our bodies. the mention of "abundance" earlier is so different for those systematically given lack & i don't want to pretend like my experiences aren't reinforcing shit systems if i basically become this person to myself who can justify this control and wielding of it over my own body bc that will bleed out onto the world & i'll be what? beneficiary fodder for a hierarchical valuing of white values about bodies & it's bullshit all the way down
body size is one piece of the puzzle & while i'm alive for however long i get i want to help people heal & being oppressive in my own way feels inescapable from trying to temporarily adopt this "solution" that i thought would "help" my pcos and make moving more rewarding... but in my experience all it did was fuel hunger by trying to disconnect me from it & it felt like disordered behavior all on its own. i'm not doing that to myself again.
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